VERY Frustrated!

[LiquidCherry]

There are really 2 issues here and it is the second one I am more concernend with as it seems to be a pattern in our relationship.

 

This weekend my bf and I went to a LAN party. I like to game but really I know nothing about computers. I didn't know how to set my computer up to the network, suck off the right patches, things like that, and when I would ask my boyfriend for help he'd either ignore me, get mad at me, or talk to me like I'm a total idiot, even using a mocking tone. At one point when he was being mad and mean my ex boyfriend (a mutual friend) came over to help me. And it's not that I wouldn't expect my ex to be nice because we get along fine but I was hurt that my ex was being nicer to me than my bf. I even pointed this out to him and he seemed to understand but then he went back to just treating me the same way, like I'm stupid. The last straw for me was when I needed help moving some files around because I didn't know the right place to put them and he started helping but was talking to me in a retard voice. (I know that's not politically correct term to use but really there is no other way to describe it.) It made me feel horrible. I told him so many times to stop treating me in this way and he never did. I went to bed as I wasn't having fun anymore.

 

The second issue is what happened after he came to bed. He went to lay down next to me and of course I woke up. I started to tell him how much he had hurt my feelings and he just seemed not to care at all. He told me I was asking idiotic questions that didn't deserve an answer which was why he was ignoring me. Then when he finally apologized he managed to say, "Sorry but.. And the "but" was basically followed by another insult. This happens a lot, or similar things anyway. He'll apologize in a way that actually makes things worse because he'll say it in an angry tone or in a way that makes it totally obvious he really isn't sorry. And then I'll get upset about that and he'll get mad because his "apology" didn't work. All it would take would be a sincere apology but I never get one. He seems to think the way he treated me at the party was okay because I deserved it by being so stupid.

 

Also, if I'm upset about something he almost never trys to comfort me. Instead he'll get really angry and make threats like, "If you don't stop it right now..," and I'll say, "You're gunna what?"

 

I hate all of this. I'm seriously rethinking our relationship. I love him but.. I'm not stupid and if one thing fills me with rage it's someone calling me stupid. Seriously I felt like slapping him or punching him. I actually felt violent and I don't think it's fair for him to talk to me like that at all. I don't make people feel stupid when I know more about something than they do.

 

I'm glad we don't fight a lot, once every couple of months, but when we do it always ends up like that. I actually mentioned something about this to his mother and she said she didn't want to say anything bad about her son but his father is the same way and she thinks he learned it from him. She told me that she rememberd going on a fishing trip and his father yelled at him the same way he was yelling at me because he didn't know how to fish like a pro and he was only six. She said his temper was the reason why she left him because she couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I think she's trying to tell me that it probably won't change.

 

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I love him so much and he can be a great guy but one of these times I'll stop loving him. I know myself and it'll be like a light switch going off. It's like I'm looking at the switch now, not walking towards it but I know it's there.

 

I don't even know how to make this better. I don't think we can. If I start talking about it I'm sure he'll get mad and I'm sure he'll be mean and pull away like always and leave me feeling alone and sad. Make me run and chase after him to resolve a right... I'm sick of that.

 

[i wanted to add that we talked about the fight we had gotten into for about 30 seconds. Hold me I was upset because he wasn't spending enough time with me. He couldn't have been more wrong! I just wanted him to be kind. He's the one that INVITED me to go. He WANTED me to be there with him. I never once told him that I was unhappy with the amount of time he spent with me, I said the way he was talking down to me made me feel terrible. So I feel like he OBVIOUSLY either doesn't care how I feel or doens't care about what I say.]

[CarnelianButterfly]

I hate to say this but this relationship sounds like potential domestic violence. Most wife abusers start out with small things like insults and degredation, then it can eventually reach physical abuse. If his father is the same way, he will most likely never change. My brother is just like my father, I don't like either of them, they're horrible to my Mother and I and will never change. Any woman that my brother snares I will tell her this because I don't think anyone should suffer his crap.

[healinginnyc81]

It sounds like he is emotionally immature. If he is looking down on you for not knowing how to use the computer, I think that's a red flag for your relationship. If he just has a temper or gets frustrated easily, it's something he can work on. But the only way he can change that is if he admits he has a problem. I think you should talk to him when you're both calm and just let him know that it hurts you when he treats you like that. If he isn't willing to listen to you and admit that he has a problem and make a sincere effort to change, then you probably want to reevaluate the relationship. That kind of stuff just keeps building up. I've seen my parents and several of my friends parents who are still together but they are often critical and disrespectful of each other and they just don't seem happy to be together.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with everything bkjsun said. Talk to him at a calm time, and if he admits he has a problem and gets help - great. If not, you should probably break up with him.

[LiquidCherry]

I think that's what I'm going to do, I'm just afraid. I don't want another failed relationship and I don't want to break up. I'm also afraid that when I try to talk to him he's going to react the same way he did. But I don't want to deal with that either so I guess in a way it would be an answer.

 

I've posted before about how we communicate. He just can't seem to do it and I'm tired of crying. Everything is wonderful until we get into a fight and then it all goes to hell but I guess that's the way it is when your relationship sucks.

[healinginnyc81]

I can understand how scared you must be in facing the possibility that this relationship may not work out. I think you need to find support from other people such as family or friends to help you see clearly what's best for you and to be there for you in case you realize that he isn't willing to understand how you feel and change. Don't be scared of being alone, it will open you up to the possibility of a better relationship with someone who treats you with respect.

[RayKay]

Hey Cherry,

 

Wow, he sounds a lot like one of my ex’s – very passive-aggressive, critical and also very unwilling to ever admit he may be in the wrong and apologize (a true apology).

 

I can really empathize with your frustration and hurt, and how it really eats away. At the end of that relationship I truly had the feeling of “not being good enough” even though I am intelligent and have many strengths of my own…I never felt I could ever meet HIS standards. And yes…he never seemed to hear or listen what I was saying. Would say I was “upset” as he was not there enough or not wanting to get married (huh?) instead of hearing me.

 

It is absolutely horrible that he treats you as “stupid” and it is absolutely uncalled for.

 

I think yes, you do need to sit down and talk to him about it, and how it makes you feel. But also realize that you need to set some limits for yourself – a relationship should make you feel strengthened, loved for whom you are, and never have you feeling belittled and “unworthy”. If things don’t change, or he does not seem to realize what he is doing, it may be time to walk away.

 

Any one whom deserves you knows your worth, and will never let you forget it.

[Pips Estella]

Hey Liquid Cherry - great name by the way,

 

One thing that upsets me about relationships, is that sometimes we kid ourselves that keeping a bad one is better than being alone.

 

Are you afraid of being alone?

 

I became very afraid of being alone some months ago. I was going out with a guy. He treated me badly. There was cheating, lying, shouting. But I could not break away from him. Why, despite the bad treatment? It felt like such a definitive gesture, and also, I thought I'd feel worse-off if I was by myself.

 

Well, I took a breath and cut him loose. Oh, and he begged, begged for me to come back. But I remember the bad times; you have to focus on them, otherwise you get softened by rhetoric and go, "ok, I'll give us one more try". I wouldn't. If anyone calls you stupid they a) lack respect b) are basically not a good person and c) think they can get away with it. No, they can't. Get angry.

 

A week, two weeks after the breakup, I felt awful. I questioned whether I had made the wrong decision, but all I had to do was recall how upset I'd been *in* the relationship. I developed little techniques for keeping myself sane. I read my favourite books one more time, I wrote my thoughts and feelings onto paper, I listened to my favourite upbeat songs, I spoke to friends and family. Nothing out of the ordinary. I just tried my best to keep a level head.

 

And, my God, after a couple more weeks, I felt free. Sure, I didn't have someone in the room with me all the time but *I began to like myself again*. The more I thought about my ex, the less I could understand why he'd been so mean to me. Then I had the great big epiphany that hopefully one day you'll have too - he was acting like an arsehole to me.

 

I feel better about myself. Much better. I had to go through some * * * * to get here, but it's all over now. I've got the stage where I can say to myself with conviction: I'd rather wait for someone kind, sweet, gentle and warm rather than cling to a bastard. Harsh words, but he doesn't exactly sound like he *didn't* deserve them.

 

Thanks again for replying to my post

[NJRon]

I'll just make this quick as there is some great advice here already. Listen really closely to what his mother said. I think it's probably a good reflection of what you are in for as long as you are together.

[LiquidCherry]

Thanks for all the great advice guys. I had every intention of ending things with him. I do think it was very disrespectful what he did and I can't really think of any excuse for his actions. I could blame it on beer but I don't think drinking is ever an excuse for inexcuseable behavior.

 

I didn't have the chance to talk to him for almost 24 hours. I'm in school and have other responsibilities and he works.. I thought all day about how I was going to bring it up and talk to him about it. In the end I ending up telling him that I was still very angry with him. He didn't say anything really but spent the rest of the evening being very sweet. I didn't hear an apology but it felt like one.

 

I know I'm not stupid, not anything close, and so his words didn't make me feel bad about myself.. Just bad that he would treat me in such a way. Not that it matters, it's just not a self esteem issue. He's never done anything like that before, never even so much as called me the B word, but he does have an anger problem and a terrible time resolving conflicts.

 

It would be easier to end things if we had fights like this all the time.. But we don't. It's rare but I still know that I don't want our fights to turn out like they did and they do. He has made some improvements and so I guess right now I am hoping that it will continue.

 

Pip's Estella- It's not that I'm afraid of being alone, it's that I'm afraid of being without him. I love him and I would be heartbroken. Maybe that's the same thing though.

 

I feel kind of confused. When we fight we fight in such a way that I doubt our entire relationship but when it's over it's like, "poof," and nothing happened. I feel like he sweeps everything under the rug and it's just frustrating to say the least.

 

I'm pretty good at forgiving a mistake once. Maybe that's all this was and he'll never call me stupid again. If he does I'm going to have to leave him because I won't hang around to be degraded. Would it be fair to tell him so or would that be viewed as a threat?

 

Thanks again to all of you!

[NJRon]

That would be an ultimatum and, if you are thinking that you have made up, probably not too good. However, I don't think it wrong, at an appropriate time, to just say that you will not tolerate such abuse, and leave it at that. No reason to define absolute consequences right now, don't want to paint yourself into a corner. If this happens again, perhaps you should lay out an ultimatum if you decide that you still want to stay with him.

 

I would just stay aware of what's going on as much as possible. Sounds like you're doing that, so that's good. Keep your blinders off