SO many problems...HELP!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!

[Yvette84]

Ok, this is my first time here and I have ALOT to vent about! I REALLY need your advice!!!! Ok, problem #1, my bf is 15 years older and I don't mind but he is embarrassed. we met at church and people suspect but he doesn't even want to sit by me. he acts like I don't exist at church I don't give a rats butt what they think! anyways he is RECENTLY divorced. like within 1 year. and he refuses to get rid of his wedding pix and pix and letters from her! (and their wedding video!!) they were married 2 years but dated 10 years! she cheated on him and he was MAJORLY in love with her!!!anyways he says he's compleatly over her and that he just wants to keep the pix because their "parts of his life" he has them all put away but I just think if he was over her he would get rid of it and move on!! especially after she did that to him! (by the way I'm 22 and he's 37) what do u think???? problem #2. he is always "busy" so we spend barely any time together. he is a teacher and he is also in college. so we have been spending like 1 to 2 days together and not even the whole days!!! I don't think that's enough but when I talk to him about it he says "i'm just really busy!" but I know he could invite me to dinner during the week or just to watch TV! I only see him for a few hours on the weekend!!! I think he could find more time but he just wants alot of space or something, but I'm very clingy and i want to spend time with him!!! but it's always the same thing. "im busy" and when I bring it up he says he feels "preassured" we don't even talk on the phone everyday!! what do u think?

[Dako]

He may be under stress trying to adapt to the realization of his failed marriage, and has a lot to sort out. With all he has to consider, you may appear demanding to him.

If you push him to get rid of his past and spend more time with you, he'll probably get busier at work.

 

Yvette, have you been divorced? If you have, you know how chaotic it can be. Not everyone can recover in a year and be ready for the pressures of a new relationship.

 

To be harsh and blunt, your post shows an impatient urge to erase his past and demand his attention. If he's worth it, stop pushing and give a little.

 

I'm going through a divorce, so maybe I'm a little touchy, or I just empathise with your guy.

[ElektraHere]

Problem #1 He is newly divorced and he has alot of baggage to work through. Experts say that a person that is newly divorced should be single and NOT date for 1 year. It gives them a chance to bounce back and get used to being single again. He obviously has this to still work through since he wont get rid of the pictures or wedding video. He still hasnt properly grieved for this relationship.

 

Problem #2 He needs his space and you are not giving that to him. You may be ready for a relationship and wanting to spend time together but he wants to be on his own it seems. He may not want to hurt your feelings but after so many "Im busy's" when do you say enough is enough?

 

As for not sitting by you at church I dont know what to say about that except that he seems like he doesnt want others to know about you.

 

My advice to you.....You won't like but I would say leave him alone and leave this relationship. I went through the same thing with someone last summer. Our second date was the day his divorce was final we only lasted 1 month. Your guy needs to be on his own for awhile and do you really want to feel like this all the time? He is NOT available emotionally or physically. Move on sweets and find someone who is

Good Luck,

[LotusFlower]

I think electra is right, he doesn't want people to know about you... red flag number one. If he was desperately in love with her he may not be over her, and even if he was he still has a right to keep his possessions. I still have pictures of my exes, and I wish I had seen my moms.

 

The age, it sounds like both of you have doubts about it. so thereforeeee there is a problem.

 

And yes, divorces are tough. I agree you are best to take some time away or try to detach more.

[fishrrshortae]

I think he is partly using you ... for what, I could only speculate. He's almost 40. I'm not surprised he doesn't want anyone to know about you! They would probably look down on him for seeing someone so young and relatively inexperienced. You should probably try to find someone closer to your age bracket who is not going through so much turmoil. I would say drop this guy, end it amicably and move on with your life.

[fishrrshortae]

Sorry one more thing.. Yes I definitely think something is going on between him and at least one of these other women ... worst case scenario he's getting physical with them. Best case is he's being a total jerk to you. He should have discussed meeting his ex with you. He made excuses and lied to you. That's bad enough in and of itself, let alone that he was doing it to meet up with other women.

[keenan]

and he refuses to get rid of his wedding pix and pix and letters from her! (and their wedding video!!) they were married 2 years but dated 10 years! she cheated on him and he was MAJORLY in love with her!!!anyways he says he's compleatly over her and that he just wants to keep the pix because their "parts of his life" he has them all put away but I just think if he was over her he would get rid of it and move on!!

 

problem #2. he just wants alot of space or something, but I'm very clingy and i want to spend time with him!!! but it's always the same thing. "im busy" and when I bring it up he says he feels "preassured" we don't even talk on the phone everyday!! what do u think?

 

 

Hi Yvette84.

 

W.R.T. the first problem, I have to ask: Do you really expect him to get rid of his pictures and letters? I understand eventually asking him to put them away in a safe place (as he's already done), but...you want him to get rid of them entirely? I'm sorry to be harsh, but your expectation stikes me as somewhat immature and unloving, and hints at a fundamental lack of respect for his history, and understanding of his situation This woman shared life's ups & downs and joys & sorrows with him for twelve years--nearly a third of his life! You can't 'erase' her, and neither can he...even if he wants to. Even if he were asking you to marry him, he wouldn't be replacing her with you..he'd be adding a chapter to his life. His past is part of who he is...part of why you fell for him in the first place. Try to imagine that you had just experienced a painful ending to a deeply meaningful 7 year relationship. Even if you had no expectations of getting back with your ex, you probably wouldn't want to replace your memories of him, or erase all traces of the ways in which he touched your life. Give the same respect to this man you're dating.

 

W.R.T. the second, it sounds like he's both genuinely busy and genuinely a little unsure about you. It's likely that he's interested in spending time with you, but that you're simply overwhelming him. He's got a tough full-time job, he's trying to get through school, he's managing the emotional fallout from his marriage, and he's trying to navigate a new world of dating...with a 22 year old who has different needs and expectations that the ones he's familiar with. He may not be the kind of guy who *needs* to spend multiple days a week with you anyway, but your pressures are clearly not making it better.

 

If you need a full-time, no-strings 'boyfriend', then get one. If you really care for this guy, try to give the poor man time to heal and figure out how to care for you without erasing his past.

[shes2smart]

Lessee, you're with a guy who acts like he's ashamed to be seen with you, shows signs of still working through the baggage of his previous relationship, and is "too busy" to spend as much time with you as you'd like.

 

Why are you still with this guy?

 

The issues you bring up have nothing to do with the age gap. One of my exes was 18 years older than me, and I am married to someone 11 years younger than me. The issues you bring up have everything to do with some very mismatched relationship expectations.

 

It doesn't sound like he wants the same things out of a relationship right now as you do. You can't make him change what he wants, so your options are to change your expectations or find someone else who wants the same things you do.

[Bethany]

I agree with Dako. If you keep pushing him, he will see even less of you, maybe even decide not to see you at all. You may want him to get rid of his letters, pics etc, but it's his decision to make not yours.

 

When he is ready and not before he will do it because HE thinks it's time. You cannot make someone do something they don't want to or feel ready for, he will resent you for this pressure and will eventually, through your own pressure, he will dump you.

 

Relax and enjoy what you have, give him time and understanding. If it's not enough, then maybe your with the wrong guy and you should move on and be with someone who does feel ready and leave this guy get on with his own healing and his own life.

[Relationship Coach]

FISHRRSHORTAE

Sorry one more thing.. Yes I definitely think something is going on between him and at least one of these other women ... worst case scenario he's getting physical with them. Best case is he's being a total jerk to you. He should have discussed meeting his ex with you. He made excuses and lied to you. That's bad enough in and of itself, let alone that he was doing it to meet up with other women.

 

I think you need to read her post again, this post has no merit. You may want to delete it, maybe you are confusing her with someone else.

 

RC

[changes]

i've never been married, but i'd think it would be very hard thing to get over. i think of relationships i still have baggage from and they were no where near that serious.

 

so he's got a lot of things to work out. he may really like you, but doesn't sound like he's ready to be the man and in the relationship that you are seeking.

 

i think you should talk to him, recognize he's been through a lot and that you care about him and don't want to be anything but a positive in his life. talk about expectations for the relationship. what you expect and what he expects. if he can't provide you with a level of commitment that you want, you have to move on..and not accept less than you want/deserve.

[changes]

oh and you probably don't want to hear this, but in terms of your age. i am only 29, but when i was 22 i thought i had it all together..and now at 29, i realize i barely have a grib on relationships now, and i definetly didn't at 22..lol i think you're at a critical age where you've got to come into your own. date and see what it is you want....doh hang yourself up on one person too much if you're not happy. you've got a lot of frogs to kiss before you find your prince kinda thing