nsbguy32169 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 My girlfriend admitted recently that she cannot enjoy any kind of sexual experience (hand, oral, intercourse, etc...) because she feels it's wrong to do before marriage. We've been together for about 2.5 years and long distance for about 1.5 of those years so we haven't had much time for sex during that time, but whenever we did it was usually lacking in the enthusiasm department on her end. She told me she can't put a lot of effort and energy into it because it feels so wrong to her. She told me sex shouldn't be that important to me either because we're not married. The thing is, I do feel sex is important and if we get married it won't be for a couple more years after we're settled down into our careers... That's two more years of relying on myself for gratification and two more years of seeing that beautiful body and not being able to do all the things running through my mind at the moment. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that this is a perfectly ok situation and that 2 years isn't that long... ugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keenan Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Well, it's a perfectly OK situation if you can live with it, respect her wishes, and not resent her. It's the sacrifice you make for loving her and choosing to be with her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Well, it's a perfectly OK situation if you can live with it, respect her wishes, and not resent her. It's the sacrifice you make for loving her and choosing to be with her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it. These would be my words exactly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desperatelover76 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 I think it's an okay situation and if you respect her wishes and wait you will find it a lot better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PassionatePices Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Well, it's a perfectly OK situation if you can live with it, respect her wishes, and not resent her. It's the sacrifice you make for loving her and choosing to be with her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it. My thoughts exactly.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Well, it's a perfectly OK situation if you can live with it, respect her wishes, and not resent her. It's the sacrifice you make for loving her and choosing to be with her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Ditto! I think the main thing here though too is explore whether her feelings are this because of that guilt and wanting to wait, or low libido. It surprises me if she felt that against it she was willing to still fool around....so I think this needs to be clear. Because if you DO wait for her in that case, and it IS low libido, things may not change. Her response that it should not matter that much to you does concern me, as it indicates she may not understand that desire..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsbguy32169 Posted February 18, 2006 Author Share Posted February 18, 2006 She told me she's felt very uncomfortable about having sex or fooling around because after her parents and her youth pastor found out we were having sex they basically made her feel really bad for doing it (which is understandable on the religious aspect). I'm starting to wholeheartedly believe her because I remember that point where they came down on her for it and up until that point the sex was pretty good and frequent... after they found out however, it started going downhill from there and she would start to feel guilty halfway through a session and want to stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomAdvisor Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Just to play devil's advocate here, who's to say her feelings will change once you're married? She sounds almost like one of those women who has been made ashamed of her sexuality, and wont truly enjoy sex ever again. Does anyone else know more about women who are ashamed of their sexuality? I know it was more common in decades past... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 If she's been made to feel guilty for sex, then there are conflicting emotions going on inside of her. She needs time to work through those things and get to the point where she no longer feels that way. She needs you to be patient and understanding. If you love her, then you'll wait until she is ready because you don't want to do anything that upsets her. It may be hard (no pun intended) to not be able to share in that experience when you want to so badly. It may drive you crazy at times. But it will be worth the wait. And if you are understanding and caring towards her, that may help make her more comfortable to the point where she no longer feels guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Just to play devil's advocate here, who's to say her feelings will change once you're married? She sounds almost like one of those women who has been made ashamed of her sexuality, and wont truly enjoy sex ever again. Does anyone else know more about women who are ashamed of their sexuality? I know it was more common in decades past... Very, very good point. She was essentially emotionally abused it sounds by what happened to her and it has affected her views of sexuality because of it... I would say this is either going to take a lot of time, effort, and patience on both people's parts and/or some therapy to make this work... ...or you guys might do it once, break the stigmata, and everything will be just fine too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flutegirl23 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I think that the real issue is, do you want to be with her? Is the sex all that's keeping you with her? I understand its important in a relationship, but do you want to be with her enough that you will respect her wishes? Maybe you need to sit down and talk about boundaries. Granted I don't know what her parents or youth pastor said, but I'm very very close with my youth pastor and I respect his comments in regards to my boyfriend and my relationship. And yes, he's made me feel guilty a few times, but it's never been enough to make me ashamed or feel like I've been emotionally assaulted about it. I suggest you sit down with her and really talk about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nsbguy32169 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 I think that the real issue is, do you want to be with her? Is the sex all that's keeping you with her? I understand its important in a relationship, but do you want to be with her enough that you will respect her wishes? Maybe you need to sit down and talk about boundaries. Granted I don't know what her parents or youth pastor said, but I'm very very close with my youth pastor and I respect his comments in regards to my boyfriend and my relationship. And yes, he's made me feel guilty a few times, but it's never been enough to make me ashamed or feel like I've been emotionally assaulted about it. I suggest you sit down with her and really talk about it. Yes I do want to be with her and I don't want to lose what we have just because of my desire to be intimate with her. It's almost like we've taken a couple steps back because we had sex for the first time a few weeks after we started dating and did it quite often up until I went away to college, then we were in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half and now we're finally close again... I guess I just feel like we should be having sex for this to work and that's where I'm wrong. I feel sex is important, but I'm not gonna lose someone I love dearly because of it. I'm just going to be patient so that when she's ready to take that step again, I'll be there. What scares me though is if we ever decide to get married and her feelings of guilt go away but in reality she just stopped liking sex altogether and used the feelings of guilt to cover it up, then there's going to be problems. IF we get married, it will be much farther down the line, but that fear is and will always be in the back of my head. I really don't think she feels emotionally assaulted or abused by what her youth pastor said to her, but she definitely starts feeling guilty about having sex when we do and it just makes her very uncomfortable. We have sat down and talked about it. At this time in her life she doesn't consider sex that important (but I do). So she told me to think of it as a bonus to our relationship, something that does happen, but not often. I'm willing to accept that as long as it's temporary because there's no way I'm going to spend the rest of my life with a woman that only wants sex once or twice a month and she knows that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I feel sex is important, but I'm not gonna lose someone I love dearly because of it. I'm just going to be patient so that when she's ready to take that step again, I'll be there. You are a reasonable man. You want sex (as most do), but are willing to wait until she is ready. I think that in time she will become more comfortable with it and things will go back to the way they were. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 I think the main thing here though too is explore whether her feelings are this because of that guilt and wanting to wait, or low libido. It surprises me if she felt that against it she was willing to still fool around....so I think this needs to be clear. Because if you DO wait for her in that case, and it IS low libido, things may not change. Her response that it should not matter that much to you does concern me, as it indicates she may not understand that desire..... I agree. She has every right to wait until after marriage to have sex but potentially you are dealing here with someone who has low libido or issues with intimacy. The whole waiting for marriage before sex issue is vexed. I do respect someone's right to make that choice. But if you are making that choice I don't think it is reasonable to expect someone else to be in a relationship for 4.5 years before getting married and having sex. That to me is to big an ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 But if you are making that choice I don't think it is reasonable to expect someone else to be in a relationship for 4.5 years before getting married and having sex. That to me is to big an ask. As someone who is waiting, I don't think we see it as asking. I think we see it as waiting for the right moment, and if the love that is there is strong, both people will respect it and wait because they want to, not because one person is asking. For those not doing it, it may seem like the person is asking and expecting a lot. But when you are in a relationship with someone who is waiting and can see it from there perspective, you'll wait as long as it takes, because you believe the wait will be worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Yeah Shy I hesitated making that statement. And I hesitate writing this. I think if it is your position that you won't have sex until marriage, and you meet the person you want to marry who is not of that persuasion, then you really should be looking to get married as soon as is practical. 4.5 years is a long time and I personally do not think that such an arrangement in this case is totally fair. I think in this case where she has bracketed all sex as a package to be waited for, not just intercourse, she really is not making any effort to compromise and I can well understand his frustration. I think if that is your goal, no sex before marraige, then you cannot really marry that (excuse the pun) to long, long term relationships before getting married. And if you do, then I personally think you have to compromise in some way. To me here there does not seem to be any compromise. It's too easy to say "Oh if the love is true, then he'll wait forever", that is fluff. His needs are real and frankly, a relationship starved of intimacy for so long is a relationship starved. That's my opinion. Sure have your values but apply them sensibly and given thse two seem to know the ooutcome of their relationship (marriage) then be prepared to make some compromise. Having said all that, I am still guessing there is more happening here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charles II Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Well, it's a perfectly OK situation if you can live with it, respect her wishes, and not resent her. It's the sacrifice you make for loving her and choosing to be with her. Personally, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Yeah, as long as she is ok with you going out and getting some leg elsewhere when you need it, let her take the rest of her life if she wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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