My Dad Passed Away

[lightn]

Well when I first wrote about my dad who was very ill on Jan 14th.

 

I was prepared to fly down to Chicago to see him on Jan 21 2006 and be back Jan 23, 2006. As I came home to I went to bed around 10p.m. I get the call at midnight that my dad passed away, 5 hours before my flight. I was in shock. I think I only slept 2 hours and my body was going for almost 24 of no sleep. My emotions were high and so was my sister and buried my dad on Jan 24, 2006. Found out that he remarried after 2 months only but only found out 3 days before his passing. He was living with this women for 6 years and divorced my mom 18 months ago. IT was a shock. Me and my sister she said some cruel things to me before I flew back home to Atlanta.

 

Anyway, the toughest thing was me being a palbearer and then watching him being buried in the ground. That was so tough. The thing I can say is that he is at peace because he really suffered from the illness. He was at one time 175 pounds and he was down to 120 and his heart rate was 140 and gasping for air.

 

I did go back to work the next day and keeping me busy but my emotions are still high.

 

Here is what I am feeling and some friends I have talked to stated it is normal to feel this way.

 

1. I really wanted to talk to him and say what I need to say but now never had the chance. Those words now will haunt me when he said this 2 years ago that the only time I will see him is when he is dead. Should I beat myself over this, but again cannot help and think maybe I should have gone down earlier

 

2. When coming home, I cried a bit but that is it but have not had a good cry over this. Is this normal or not. I guess my time will come and let it all out.

 

3. I have heard this will take 6 months to a year to get the shock over it. Is is true?

 

4. Now when I see death or someone dying on TV or movies it really upsets me. Why is that? Is it the emotions are still high or will this happen to me all the time?

 

During the time, I wanted to be with people but then again I wanted to be alone. I still most of the time. It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel like am I crazy for feeling this or not? Now my mom is not doing good either.

 

At least one good thing I am busy at work and working out but again the feeling comes and goes and could I have done anything different. I guess I will never know. My sister is going to see a counselor, and she said I should see one but I told her I am grieving and If I need to see one or it gets bad I will consider it.

 

Well thanks for listening. If you care to you can send me a private message or you can email me at link removed[/i]"]whtelightn@link removed.

 

Tom

[KissMe_KillMe]

all i have to stay is i am deeply sorry for your loss..and i am here for you if you need someone to talk to.

your a very strong person... and i envy that!

[NKP]

sorry to hear that. i lost my dad when i was 11 but it took me until i was 14/15 to realise he was gone fo good then i had depression for like a year and i did think it was weird for it to take long but i did go get help and they said that it was normal some people go through it stright up and some people it takes a lot longer. and i am the same when i see someone die on tv or movies i cry i think this is because we now kno wot it is like to lose a loved one. be strong dont break down like i did.

[Beec]

Sorry for your loss. It sems you had a rather strained relationship with your father. But, no matter how difficult it can be, the loss of a parent is tough.

 

We all grieve differently, and I'd bet that your grieving is different because of your relationship with your father. No one can give you plan or a blueprint to follow in your grief. You'll need to figure it out for yourself.

 

My one suggestion would be for you to try to find a for you to forgive your father for anything he did that bothered you. He seems to have wanted a better relationship during the past few years, and he can no longer change anything that he did. No man or father is perfect, and they all make mistakes.

 

Any loss leaves a hole in our hearts, so to speak. In time, the heart heals, often with some emotional "scar tissue". You don't ever really just get over things, but you get on with life and learn to live with your scars.

 

Take care.

[avman]

Hi lightn,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. My father passed away 6 years ago and it was a very difficult time for me as well. The circumstances were similar to yours, though I did get that last goodbye in when I flew down about 5 days before his death.

 

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to take it easy. I too went back to work right after the funeral and it was a huge mistake. I did not take the time I should have to grieve and heal. I also didn't see a counselor for many months and that also was a mistake.

 

It is true that it will take a year to get over it. It took me slightly over that. Things got better after the first anniversary of his death. It may feel like you will never get past this, but you will. You need to give yourself time to let the grief run its course.

 

Talk to your father. Say the things you need to say. I believe he can hear you. Let yourself cry. It really helps. And I do suggest talking to a counselor. It really does make a difference.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sister.

[keenan]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry. My dad died when I was 27. It was totally unexpected; I never got a chance to say goodbye. I was in complete and utter shock for a long time--denial, horror at the situation, complete disbelief that this could happen to me. The thing I wanted most was the thing I could never have--to have just *5 minutes* with him, to tell him how much I love him and how much he means, and will always mean, to me...how much he shaped my entire life. It took me a good year to even begin to feel normal again. I really don't remember being 27. Now, nearly 5 years later, I can talk about it without crying, and think about him without thinking about his death.

 

This is so tough on you, I know. Please know that we're here anytime you need to talk, and that WE will check on YOU. The thing that hurt me a lot when I went through this was that many of my good friends just disappeared. They loved me and wanted me to be ok...but they were also scared and didn't know what to say...or how to say it...so they often ended up saying nothing, and not calling at all. Pretending that everything is FINE is not helpful, imo.

 

And as for how you're coping right now, at this moment? I'm sure that's pretty individual. Not only was I in shock, but I was somehow really mad that the world just continued on as normal. It seemed so bizarre to me that everyone around me (who didn't know) would get out of bed and go about their daily lives just as though nothing had happened...because my world had effectively stopped turning. I had the strongest urge to tell everyone what had happened--from the taxi driver who drove me to the airport to fly back for his funeral, to the people who worked in the coffee shop where I got breakfast everyday. I didn't tell them...but I understand the need to make it real to everyone by announcing it. I also did a lot of 'bargaining' in my head--what would I give up if I could only have those 5 minutes with him...if our last conversation hadn't been a fight...if I had told him that I loved him once more?

 

I found that it helped a lot, perversely, to talk to people who had also had their dads die young. I felt that somehow we shared a special bond. I still do, actually.

 

Your dad wouldn't want you to suffer through this more than you are. Forgive yourself for not saying the right things at the right time. Give yourself the freedom to be alone sometimes, and be with friends other times. Give yourself the freedom to cry or NOT cry, depending on what you need at the moment. It will change from day to day, week to week.

 

Hang tight. Keep in touch.

[hosswhispra]

Hello lightn,

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this most difficult time. When my father died, I really did not want to see anyone socially for a good 3-4 months. I could not get off of the couch for 5 days after he died. I wrapped myself in a blanket and just stared at the television---really not absorbing any of it. I would best describe it as being in a "fugue" state of mind. I just wanted to be around my family or people I have known basically my entire life. You are not crazy for feeling that way at all. The grieving process is a roller coaster ride of emotions...

 

From my reading, men grieve differently than women (hence, the reason why you may feel okay with working and why your sister may feel she needs to talk about her feelings with a counselor). Men like to keep busy...AND there is no right or wrong way of grieving. Everyone handles death differently; and the length of time someone grieves is different as well. So be gentle with yourself, lightn.

 

I relate to you about the movie thing too....I remember watching the "Five People you Meet in Heaven," last year, 3 weeks after my father died...I balled my eyes out the entire movie. And forget the end scene of "Big Fish," I still majorly lose it. I feel like crying right now, just thinking about it. Another thing that would make me lose it was U2's CD---"How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb," tracks #2 and #3 on that CD and U2's Kite song (about the loss of a father) would make my tear clouds burst full force into full fledged rainstorm, faithfully. These things were extremely cathartic for me though...at least I got to get it all out...it is definitely not healthy to keep it all in...otherwise, it'll eat you up inside.

 

You can talk to your dad still, lightn and tell him everything that you want to---I take long walks and talk to my father all the time. Or you could write in a journal, too...these are things that are therapeutic things to do in the grieving process.

 

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself.....

 

Prayers,

hosswhispra

[lost_souls]

My dad also died 2 weeks ago.Im 14 years old and i live in england.I loved him so much and im proberbly feeling just like you.My dad was too stressed you see and committed suiside.I'd do anything to have him back but i cant.

[lightn]

Hey lost souls:

 

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad at the age of 14 about 2 weeks ago. I know how tough it is. I feel for you. Just take your time and I am sure you want answers why etc.

 

Just know this your dad loved you. The toughest part is going to be bday and the day he passed away etc. Even though it has been only a month I still miss him.

[MusicIsEverything90]

Hey lightn,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any personal experience with losing a parent but about a year ago my bestfriends dad passed away, and the only thing I could do for her was be there. And she talked about it all and cried a lot, and that helped her. So try talking about it with someone. And it's okay to cry if you need to, it really does help.

[coollady1957]

I am so very sorry to hear of your recent loss. I hope you are doing as well as you can right now, and that your grief process will get you through this some how. My husband died a bit over two years ago. My children were age 17 and 22 when their father died. They both went through some serious issues of feeling cheated out of having their father in their lives, just as they were becoming young adults. I initially went through some horrible days weeks and months after my husbands death. We are all different in how we proceed with our grieving process. We will always miss the people that we have lost to death. Some how with time it just gets easier to deal with on a daily basis. My son had alot of anger within him. He came to me one day and said mom I need some help. He went through several months of counseling to help him understand his feelings and how to cope and move on with life. I still have bad days, when special occasions arrive, birthdays, anniversarys, holidays, etc. I hope the best for you and your coming to terms with your fathers death.

[lightn]

Coollady1957:

Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your husband death and then the kids having to deal with it. I am glad to hear that your son got some help to grieve etc.

As for me, still it has been only 2 months and your right people react differently. The Bday will be hard for me and then the anniversary of his death will always be remembered and it is going to be even harder.

I am sure one day I will bust out crying where everything seems to get to me, and hopefully will feel better. Again I still have a hard time watching on TV or movies of people dying or getting sick.

Anyway thanks for your response. I really appreciate it.