WildChild Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 The general consensus of men who look have said to me it is not about their partner, but about fantasy. In addition, they are embarrassed to admit to it. However, when it affects your relations and they lie about it, it is no longer considered normal but problematic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 A guys insight would help greatly, maybe if I could understand why a little bit more, it wouldn't bother me. Which is how we got through it last time, and all the other issues that come up in every relationship. If there was a reason or a way of thinking that led to it, I would be more inclined to it. As of right now, he cannot really explain it himself, he admits that it is just an urge he cant seem to calm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Derek's message on this page of the thread seemed to offer some real insight, especially in his P.S. I personally think the Internet can be addictive in many shapes and forms. In fact, I hate to say this, but I have spent four hours on eNotalone today when I should be writing a brochure for a client, lol. It could be as simple as getting your fiance involved in some outside activities you two can share together. I mean, get him away from the Internet as much as possible, and that could help him forget he has those urges. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildChild Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 How is it that you came accross him turning to the net instead of the mags and movies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bethany Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 It's a turn on and he enjoys it, it's as simple as that. I don't think that you can do much about it exceptt tell him that it is bothering you and ask him to stop. If he doesn't or won't stop its because he doesn't want to. It's up to you then to think about his actions and his disregard of your feelings and decide whether this dsregard of your feelings is enough to make you want to leave the relationship as I think this is the real issue here rather than what he does in his spare time. BTW, I wouldn't worry about the age of the porn girls as most porn is Teens anyway and there is no escaping the fact that these girls are exptremely pretty but most people, both men and women, look at Teens, it's almost impossible to avoid and you shouldnt feel 'threatened' by this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildChild Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 BTW, I wouldn't worry about the age of the porn girls as most porn is Teens anyway and there is no escaping the fact that these girls are exptremely pretty but most people, both men and women, look at Teens, it's almost impossible to avoid and you shouldnt feel 'threatened' by this. I don't think threatened is a term I would use, however it is comparing apples to oranges. When a man is looking at a girl or young woman and his SO is 15 years this young woman's senior, you cannot tell me there is not some fantasy in their head that they would like to be with the younger more taunt girl. If it wasn't about younger bodies who have firmer boobs, slender bodies then they sure in the heck wouldn't be looking at them would they. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 Okay, Derek, thanks for that, I admit I didn't read the PS the first time around. I do understand the need, and the desire to escape sometimes. But so much? It worries me, though I have noticed it increases before bed and when he is home alone with nothing to do. Maybe it really stems from lack of something else to do, but how do we, as a unit, help to remedy that? I realize that it is most likely me having a 'female' moment and overthinking the situation. But I still worry if it has something to do with me. And when I say something, it makes him feel bad, I know he feels ashamed about it sometimes, and he can't really put it into words. Words that would satisfy me I guess. Everytime I try to talk about it, I back off, because it had started to make him uncomfortable to talk about it, or it seems it is taken the wrong way. General it feels like we didn't get anywhere closer to a problem that may be causing the desire to escape more often, and with that pathway. It went from magazines and tv to internet when we got the comp hooked up online. I know because I was aware of this with the other two mentioned above, and he would do it in the bathroom or when I wasn't there. Or if I was, he would get aroused from it and then come and find me. Then with the computer it seems to be whenever, even intruding on our own personal time. Looking to me less then he needed, or in better words, just as much as always even while his desires were increasing. I know its a confusing situation. And I know there is a reason, I just have to get to the bottom of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildChild Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 It really isn't confusing because in general it is normal for most people to look. I think our concern for you is that he is spending HOURS and locking you of the room to satisfy himself knowing you are on the other side ready and willing. It is very addicting. I don't know if you ever go to these sites on your own, but try doing so. You will see what I mean with what I posted before about link, after link, after link. You enter one site and it will take you anywhere your mind wants you to. As well as sites you have to sign into to even enter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Then with the computer it seems to be whenever, even intruding on our own personal time. Looking to me less then he needed, or in better words, just as much as always even while his desires were increasing. I know its a confusing situation. And I know there is a reason, I just have to get to the bottom of it. I would suggest going back and reading Derek's post one more time again, because he actually gave some interesting points on how Internet porn in particular can suck people in (er, no pun intended) even more than other forms, i.e., mags and videos. For example, he mentioned the constantly new content that is put up on the Internet porn sites, it gives people a reason to keep coming back every day, even every hour. EDIT: or was it WildChild who mentioned this? So yeah, maybe part of the answer does mean changing the activity level in your relationship. Maybe you two could take up a hobby or something together...I mean, you have to think in terms of replacing his Internet addiction with other activities that keep him stimulated. Honestly, I think all Internet addictions result from being bored with not enough to do. If you're busy and involved in interesting and stimulating activities, are you really going to stop in the middle of everything to get on the Internet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildChild Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 I would suggest going back and reading Derek's post one more time again, because he actually gave some interesting points on how Internet porn in particular can suck people in (er, no pun intended) even more than other forms, i.e., mags and videos. For example, he mentioned the constantly new content that is put up on the Internet porn sites, it gives people a reason to keep coming back every day, even every hour. EDIT: or was it WildChild who mentioned this?quote] That is what I said way earlier. Everyday these sites change with different faces, women, men and sexual encounters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 I have been to these sites, and all it does is make me want to log off and find my fiance, so I suppose I just don't understand the jump from that to multiple times while online, without a thought to me. Ultimately leaving me feeling completely left out and uneeded and confused. I am probably reading too much into all of this, he has a high sex drive, so what, he looks at porn and masturbates, so what, all of that is normal. So why does the frequency bother me? Maybe I need to take up a good hobby...and even maybe find a way to not feel so replaceable..maybe then it wouldnt worry me so.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WildChild Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Here is an article I just came accross. Maybe some of it will help you to broach the subject. Let's see if I did this right LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 Thanks, that'll help a little bit, seeing as how I am perpetually confusing. Most of what I do or say doesn't make sense in the normal logic, so trying to explain to my SO why something he does that is completely normal bothers me is always a hurdle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novaseeker Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 I am a guy as well. As Ive written elsewhere, porn use is a problem when it becomes a problem for the relationship and starts causing problems in real life relations ... and thats a subjective thing. Whats tolerable for one person, isn't for another. As a result, Maple, I think you have to discuss what your real boundaries are in this area with him, and stick by those, even if it costs you the relationship, because clearly this bothers you. Either he will accept that and modify his behavior, or he won't, but either way your own boundaries remain intact and your sense of well-being is preserved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Thanks, that'll help a little bit, seeing as how I am perpetually confusing. Most of what I do or say doesn't make sense in the normal logic, so trying to explain to my SO why something he does that is completely normal bothers me is always a hurdle. Eeeks, I just can't hold back from saying this. It seems you're trying to talk yourself into thinking you are being unreasonably upset. Honestly, I don't think you're being unreasonable. And I don't think his behavior is completely normal, either. That being said, you've tried to talk to him multiple times about this, he's embarrassed by the issue and can't seem to cut this behavior out. So, instead of driving yourself nuts over figuring out what to say, why not try some indirect tactics? Getting him away from the Internet without him really realizing that you're doing so is what comes to my mind. Maybe he really does have an addiction problem. As another poster said earlier (I think it may have been Derek again, lol) it might be your turn to offer some help for his problem. The trick is how you go about it - subtly, or directly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 Yeah, still something I need to figure out myself. SIGH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 You have received some wonderful advice so far (and this is turning into be a very popular thread it would appear!) and I really have little to add to that, my concern here is you are really denying yourself the opportunity to feel and express your needs, concerns and self to your partner over this issue. You reaction points to me you are so insecure and scared of losing him, you will deny yourself your freedom to feel and express yourself and your opinions, even if they differ from his. I personally have no issue with porn, I can understand many do and that is their right. I have never taken it personally, and can have it as part of my partner's life, and our life together as long as it is not affecting our intimate life in a negative manner, and of course not well, questionable content. I have never felt in the position where I was not good enough or being degraded. I have had partners whom liked porn a lot, others whom could care less about it. My current partner really has relatively little enjoyment in it. However, even with my acceptance of it, if I was in your position, for one thing I would be hurt too….6 hours a day to me is not exactly "healthy". It may not be an addiction, but it certainly IS him clearly crossing boundaries that he knows you have….he KNOWS it hurts you, and yet continues. Why are you so afraid to express your feelings? Yes, the risk is you could lose him, but then you also lose the worry and pain, and realize he never deserved YOU in the first place. A man whom chooses porn over you is not the man for you, quite simply. Like I said, I am fine with porn, but it should never come before me, my relationship or intimate life. I would NOT tolerate that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
escape_velocity Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 IMO, i believe your SO is harborring resentment for trying to control his behavior. That is why he doesn't bother to hide his actions, and stick to the compromise you 2 agreed on. This is his way of getting back at you, to put his foot down so to speak. I believe he knows that you will put up with it. You say in your post, that you are completely dependent on him. You even owe your life to him. You are definently co-dependent. The only advice i can possible give you is to seek counceling, for yourself. Not because you are a bad person, but your way of looking at this is very unhealthy. What else would you be willing to put up with? An affair, physical abuse, emotional abuse? I believe you are already being emotionally abused. Your selfesteem wasn't great prior to the relationship, and now its worse. Plz seek counceling, its the best gift you can give to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Ok, I will go with the assumption that you are starting with an emotionally, physically healthy relationship. (even though many in the thread would dispute that assumption) You specific question was how to brooch the subject. How to talk about it. You said he seems to feel shame sometimes, he seems embarrassed to talk about it. The best time to talk about it is not in the moment it is happening because emotions are high and confrontation will probably be high drama situation. Perhaps after a dinner, everyone is satisfied and happy and calm, curled up cuddling on the couch together, TV off, distractions off. Softly, calmly, maintain eye contact, don't raise the voice... Talk about how his actions make you feel. "I feel"..., give him time to respond, don't place blame, try to stay on an informational level (just the facts) and not emotional, avoid using "always" and "never", try to echo back what they said in your words so they know you really heard them, "so by saying that you mean..." "You know honey, I really feel like second best when you look at those pictures. I feel more distant from you when you close off from me like that. I am worried for you that you are spending so much time on this that the rest of your life is going to suffer. I want you to have the best life and to be happy with yourself and with me. Are you unhappy about something that's making you escape to the porn? Are you scared about something that's making you escape away? I feel rejected and hurt when you do that. " (Freg, I don't know either exactly what to say =) You use your own words and what works with him. Try using a word picture. Tough love sometimes means hurting the one you love by telling them they are wrong in this case. I don't think you can be his therapist though because you are too close. A priest/rabbi might help, a counsellor, a trusted person that could come alongside and lead him to some help. Accountability etc. Let me add, that a healthy guy in a healthy relationship would not want to be hurting his partner continuously over and over. If it was something that physically hurt you every time he did it. Would he still do it? Maybe he'd like to stop, but can't and that's not your problem, it's his. From what I've read, I think you are meeting his sexual needs very well and millions of other men would be grateful being your husband with the physically frequency and flexibility (quickies) you've already describe. Of course there is more to life than just sex, but don't sell yourself short. You have alot to offer people and you are more than just his partner. You are more than just someone he supported through hard times, you had to have strength too. You have an individuality that you should cultivate and not have to suppress because of past guilt or an "entitlement" you are giving him. A man supporting you through a hardship should be the norm, not the exception. Whether he is your lover or not, a human being should help another human being in need. Just because he did, doesn't make him a saint. That should be what everyone does shouldn't it? You are worth it aren't you? (That's the biggest question of all really) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 Thank you Derek for actually adressing my question without reading too much into it. I gave up a couple posts back, it seemed to turn into coach the crazy women instead of what I tried to intend it to be. I think I will do that, first I am going to wait a couple of days to calm down and blow off steam, and maybe go out for a walk on the beach to talk about it. The main problem always seems to come back to the actual act, he thinks I want him to stop, and I have such ahard time explaining that I accept it but just not to this extent, its like he thinks if I accept it it should be to all degrees, and I just can't seem to do that. I tried, I tried for a long time before even bringing it up. I always seem to say the wrong things while trying to talk about it, thanks for the ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted February 16, 2006 Share Posted February 16, 2006 Maplesyrup, sorry if my posts were the ones that seemed to be "advising the crazy lady." That wasn't my intention at all. While my take on some aspects of your situation might have been off-base from your perspective, please understand I responded to your problem because I genuinely felt concern for the anguish you are clearly experiencing over this issue. As did everyone else on this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maplesyrup Posted February 16, 2006 Author Share Posted February 16, 2006 I know, I don't mean to be unappreciative of the help I have received, its just the feeling I got. Everyone, thank you for your time, and patience with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lgirl Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 maplesyrup, sorry but it's no good saying we've been 'helping the crazy lady' when what we have been picking up on is how low this has brought you. you must take responsibility for what you tell people and you have painted a picture of a woman who is so low in self-esteem that she's too scared to talk to her partner about an issue that's bothering her b/c she's so grateful he has anything to do with her. that's what people have reacted to; you have put out a very negative picture of yourself in the process of outlining yr problem, and we have just been trying to help you past that, is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spunkykatt Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 Ok I have a suggestion...why not have parental blocks enabled on your computer, I mean I know it sounds childish, but if he cant stop looking for six hours straight then you need to fix it where he cant...or at least not when your there. You can set times too, allowing him a certain amount of time to look at porn and then the parental control kicks in and boots his butt off the internet for the rest of the time. Its just a thought, and Im sure the guys are gonna be mad that I even said that, but you need to take control of YOUR situation, and if he wants to look at porn that much he would at least have to go somewhere else to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gratefulpain Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well I was in a relationship.. im on the healing after break-up boards.... I would go get a magazine (nothing slutty) probably once every two months just to glance or whatever... no video and no internet and no strip bars... she asked me "so im not good enough?" we had a big argument... she ended up leaving and a week later was with some other guy... I believe that wasnt the main reason we parted.. but it was the last straw..... I didnt think it was a big deal.. she obviously took it personal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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