The other end of the stick

[Alpar80]

I am facing a dilemma of my own. Just 3 days ago my girlfriend of whom I've only been with for 5 months and who is also 10 years older than me (I'm 25) informed me that she is pregnant with my child. She is already a mother of an 11 yr old and she runs her own business, not much income tho. I, on the other hand, am a 25 yr old starving student with no income, no financial backing, and just getting by on my own. I asked her how she feels about abortion and she doesnt want to hear it, she is 35 and wants another child. We have used protection all throughout the relationship, due to the fact she had been diagnosed with genital herpes a while back. The only time I can think of was one time when the condom had slipped inside of her and I came, not to find out well after it was done that I came inside her. This is really, really, tough. I cannot afford to take care of this child and being in as much debt that im in it makes it even harder. We have only known eachother for 5 months! Plus not to mention she wont even hear of an abortion. What the hell can I do to bring her to reality here?? This just is not going to work!!!

 

HELP!!

[RayKay]

Well, you can't "bring her to reality", it's both of yours reality now...and it's her body and her choice under the law.

 

Condoms or not, the fact is if you were sleeping with her, you were risking pregnancy, even condoms are not 100% against STD's OR pregnancy.

 

There is not much I can say, other then if she chooses to file for custody the courts will look at your income, and make their decision based on that, and in the future may adjust it to suit.

 

And, that I hope you will be a father to your child...even if you are not with her, your child did not make a choice in the matter, and deserves to have parents whom love them and are there for them.

[NJRon]

I have to echo RayKay's post 100%

[CarnelianButterfly]

It's seems alot of people forget that sex isn't just a recreational activity that it comes with consequences. The reality of the situation is that you're responsible for your actions. It is her right to refuse abortion and it is very immature of you to expect her to make the problem go away. You maybe a starving student, but she's a sigle mother who you've just treated very poorly, by law you are going to be held responsible. You may not want to, but you're going to have to grow up.

[ShySoul]

Alpar80,

 

Take some time to relax. I think that right now you are still in panic mode. At 25 you weren't expecting her to get pregnant and you aren't ready to have a child. A guy in your position would be scared. However, you take that risk of it happening each time you have sex, and you need to take responsibility. It's her right to have the child. And since that child is yours, I would hope you would want to play a role in its life. The child should have a father while growing up. No one is asking you to marry her or completely support her. I think she just wants to know that you are going to be there and be supportive. Talk with her and be reasonable. Work something out so that you contribute what you can. Be fair and try to work with her, don't react hostile or upset. If you work together, you can make this work.

[Alpar80]

Hey Shy,

Maybe you're right, I'm freekin out. I just hear people from all angles saying that shes just in it for the money and that this was planned. I dont want to believe them but, could this be a reality??? I mean I dont think it is, if she wanted that why go after a 25 yr old student? I truly think she has fellings for me.. I think my family is just concerned and are a bit angry with her, but people are right on this post, it takes two to tango. Whatever her decisions are, I just want her to know that I'll be there, even if im not with her. Im just wicked scared! I feel that I am too all over the place now to even be around her, one minute Im alright and the next Im wanting it to be over. And yes, it is the woman's decision in the end whether or not to keep the child, but shouldn't she realize that when there is no income, it isn't fair to the one who is being born?

[RayKay]

shouldn't she realize that when there is no income, it isn't fair to the one who is being born?

 

 

To be fair, you should of also realized that before you did the deed! But you already know that.

 

Look, many people manage to do it, she probably feels a bit more confident about it as she HAS done it before. For you it's new...and it's normal to be a little freaked out.

 

I don't think she was in it for the "money", and I imagine it was an accident (she did not "make the condom slip" after all) for her too, but she is making the best of it, as you must too.

[arwen]

If she were doing this for the money, she'd have picked a rich guy. I am sure she did not plan for this to happen, after all it was a condom that slipped. It happens, and you are both responsible for having sex and its possible consequences. I think you should keep all communication open with her. It is your child, and abortion is really not an option if she doesn't want it. You don't JUST abort a child for the convenience. This is a very heavy experience, for both of you. You are scared, of course. But, as Ray said, your girl has experience. She knows how to take care of a little one, and how to make ends meet as well. Make the best out of the situation.

 

Ilse

[hosswhispra]

This is one of the reasons why I do not believe in sex before marriage.

 

It's understandable to be freaked out at the moment--it's a big change in your life as well as your girlfriend's life---a major life adjustment. However, I a believer that humans are quite adaptable beings---and although it seems hard to see it now--you too, will adapt.

 

For example, this happened to a friend of mine--she did not have any money. She was 24, unmarried without a college education. Her boyfriend left her after the baby was born. However, as resilient as human beings are she managed (without her boyfriend's support). She went back to school earning her bachelors degree---and got married a couple years ago. Her 9-year-old daughter is the light of her life.

 

Hang in there--I will pray for you and your girlfriend.

 

hosswhispra

[ShySoul]

People are probably confused and suspicious of the situation. It isn't everyday that a women who has one kid of her own goes for a guy 10 years younger then her. So they jump to conclusions like she is after sex or money. They probably are only trying to look out for you and help you the best way they think they can. But it doesn't matter what they think, this is about you and her.

 

The income situation, I'm sure she was aware of. And you were using protection, so effort was made to prevent this from happening. But as effective as condoms can be, they aren't foolproof. Pregnancy can still happen. Can't change the past, so its up to you to decide how you are going to handle things from this point on. Abortion is one option, and it seems a convenient one. Don't feel you can take care of the baby, just don't have it. But its more complicated. Bringing a life into this world is a special thing. It's not something that can just be dismissed. And she is actually carring that life in her, forming a bond with it no one else can. So the idea of killing it is something she can't live with.

 

Things will be difficult. It will take a lot of work and communication. But if you work together, you guys can make it through. And when that baby is born, and you hold him in your arms, odds are you will be so in love with it that you'll wonder why you ever wanted to not have it.

[Alpar80]

Thank you guys so much, I am just freeking out and really have no one to talk to about this. My family does not want to accept it because it isnt how "it should be". Well it happened and they are going to have to live with it, so am I, and her. I know I can't change her mind nor am I going to try to, I am going to have to live up to it and bring that child up the best I can, showing it everything in life that I have learned, which is a lot. This also means I guess I can't hang out with the guys as much as I had before.

 

Thanks all who have helped

[ShySoul]

Alpar80,

 

I'm sure that you will do a great job. It may not be easy, but you can do it. And if you need someone to talk to, you can always post here. You've got a lot of women who can help you see things from her perspective, and I'll try to balance out the testosterone level. Take care, and keep us updated.

[NJRon]

Good luck to you. You sound like an upstanding guy.

[Alpar80]

thanks compadres