Is he gay and in serious denial?

[FoxLocke]

Okay, the guy that I have feelings for is more than likely gay. He didn't say it in so many words, but my fears of falling for a straight guy are completely inconsequential now. However, he appears to be in a serious state of denial and repression of his sexuality...

 

Today, in class, he pulled me out in the hallway and asked if I could give him a ride to a Walmart in the city. He lives on campus, doesn't own a car, and can't drive(he says he wants to though. He hates being 22 and unable to drive). So he said he would pay for my gas if I gave him a lift. I happily obliged, because it would give me a chance to hang around him.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we had the most wonderful day together. We drove for about an hour(in heavy traffic) going to a Walmart. But we talked about everything. We have so much in common. And whenever I am around him I can't help but feel really excited. Infact, I even started carrying a huge book or notepad around...If you get my drift.

 

Anyway, during the drive, he talked about the first time he saw me. He said he could tell I was very intelligent, classy, and childlike at heart. I thought that was really sweet. We talked about alot of things: our families, school, television and etc(However, talks about hot women did not come up once). But, as we started breaking through the small talk He suddenly brought up the issue of sexuality. I did not have to provoke it at all.

 

Recently, we had this author, J.L. King, who published a book called "The Down Low" come to our campus and have a book club discussion. Well, my crush told me that he went(I guess this is one red flag). Then I said, "Cool, you read the book? So did I!" (I was happy the subject was finally coming up(even though he has brought it up before), while it was just the two of us). He said, "Yeah, it was really good. People were into the discussion in the group! I wanted to meet the author and ask him a few things..."Then he began talking about when he was younger how he had to deal with his own "spirits" regarding his sexuality. He says that he has been "fighting" "spirits"(fundamentalist terms for holding back your sexuality) for a long time, and that it has helped to make him humble. He says that he prays regularly about it and etc...The way he talked about it he became a bit lowkey and somber. Then I piped in with, "I really don't think it is an evil spirit. It is just something some people are born with. I think it is perfectly natural, and that is why I don't agree with the bible in regards to that..."

Then he started asking me questions like, "So, do you think it is a generational curse or anything? Like something that people bring on themselves and their children."

I said, "No, because why would love be a curse?"

Then I furthered with, "If you were gay I wouldn't mind..."

Then he laughed and looked at my funny and retorted, "You think I'm homosexual?"(his lisp was very prominent at this point)

I lied and said, "No, I'm just saying...If you were I think that would be totally cool. I have someone very close to me(actually talking about myself) that is gay and I have no problem with it."

He kind of leaned his head down and said, "Well, my family is very much against that. We come from a religious background and my father hates people who are like that..."

 

By that point in the conversation we were at the Walmart. We walked and talked and laughed before we got in the store. And as we walked I realized that we were totally close to each other, almost arm in arm. No straight guy would ever let another guy get that close...It was really great.

 

Then he got something for us to eat at Mcdonald's. I never eat fastfood, but since he treated me to it I ate some(Mcdonald's is horrible!). Then when we were standing at the check out line the woman checking us out asked us if we were a couple! We both said no...and there was a bit of dead air. But we walked back to the car and joked around like nothing ever happened.

 

Once we got in it was back to small talk, but I was not going to let the conversation die. So I brought it up again. I started telling him all this stuff about myself, without just blatantly saying "I AM GAY." He was very receptive to the conversation...

Then he got to the point of saying, "Even though I'm not "like that" I'm really curious about it...I mean everyone is curious about things."

By this point I am sorta frustrated because I can tell he is in complete denial. So I say some more incriminating things, and then he laughs and asks, "You aren't like that are you?"

My mind started racing. Even though I have a crush on him I've only known him approximately a month...And we've just really started hanging out. So I kept thinking, "Should I tell him? Will it make him not want to be my friend?"

So I kind of laughed the question off. I didn't say yes or no. Then I felt like I betrayed myself...But I think I will volunteer it when I know for sure that he won't out my sexuality to everyone on campus.

Anyway, he gave me ten bucks for gas, and offered to give me a hair cut(he cuts his own hair very well)on Friday for free.

 

Okay, after the conversation I think he is gay. But I also think he is repressing his sexuality. It really sucks because now I probably will not be able to have anything but a plutonic relationship with him because he's still struggling with it. However, I don't want to turn my back on him. I was in the same EXACT position that he was just twelve months ago. I was very religious and believed that being into church could change my sexuality.

The way he described his family and background lets me know that he is trying to alter himself...

Whereas, he is in the midst of that self discovery I am just coming out of it. On one hand I really like him as a person. But I don't want to be closeted to a very close friend. AND it is hard falling for him when I know, for sure, that his process could take along time. It took me along time to admit to myself that I was gay. Perhaps it was because I had no gay friends. When we were talking I THOUGHT he would get the hint that I am, infact, gay. I gave him enough clues to start a scavenger hunt!

 

What should I do in this situation? Should I wait for him? Should I tell him about my sexuality?

I thought it was brave of him to confide in me how he struggled with his sexuality. Maybe if I told him about my tribulations that might help him to not feel so alone? But I am scared of that, because he has alot of girlfriends(I mean friends that are girls...no girlfriends), and I know that girls talk and gossip. And if he tells one she might tell another and another. I guess I have some trust issues, I don't know...

 

But it is awkward having your first major crush on someone who is grappling with himself.

[keenan]

Argh. I WISH I knew what to tell you. I get so frustrated reading your post because I grew up in a SUPER conservative, tiny little town in the lower midwest where being gay really was equated with being possessed by the devil, or was explained as a consequence of child molestation or shrewish mothers. I got the he*l out there as soon as I turned 18, and only go back once a year to visit my grandparents. Out here in Seattle, gay culture is such a totally normal and accepted and *appreciated* part of the character of the city--by folks of all religions. At least half my friends are gay, and I can't bear to think of them enduring what you do, FoxLocke. You're amazing. When I go back "home," I'm appalled to see obviously gay men and women in my family, or who are friends of my family, truly SUFFERING from trying to change for their families, or their church.

 

Ok--sorry for blowing off major steam. I don't know what to advise you, but to ME, it sounds very much like your friend really likes and admires you, is interested in you, and is just starting to explore his own feelings. He's putting out feelers (no pun) and is turning to you because he *suspects* that you're gay, and so might be a good person to question, confide in, (or more!). If I were you (and I'm a straight woman who lives thousands of miles from where I assume you're from, so dude, take that with a big grain of salt), I'd probably pull him aside and "confess" that you think you might be gay, and that you hesitated to tell him because you were afraid he wouldn't like you anymore. You may think that's kind of dishonoring to your sexual orientation, or is a childlike approach to take with him, but I think it's pragmatic. You're giving HIM the opportunity to judge YOU, and you're taking a very humble approach, appealing to his basic goodness as a friend. When you throw yourself at the mercy of a person's good nature, they usually are very honored and take the high road. Then, once he accepts it (and I think he will), you're giving the two of you an opportunity to have all kinds of great exploratory conversations about the issue. And then who knows...maybe more! Good luck. Big hug.

[Prufrock06]

What should I do in this situation? Should I wait for him? Should I tell him about my sexuality?

I thought it was brave of him to confide in me how he struggled with his sexuality. Maybe if I told him about my tribulations that might help him to not feel so alone? But I am scared of that, because he has alot of girlfriends(I mean friends that are girls...no girlfriends), and I know that girls talk and gossip. And if he tells one she might tell another and another. I guess I have some trust issues, I don't know...

 

 

Honestly, Foxlocke, the way you tell the story, I have no doubt in my mind that your crush is gay.

 

I think you're right to think that he might be closeted about his sexuality right now, or at least struggling with it on some level. But hey, at least he had some kind of dialogue with you about it, right? Which implies (for me, at least) that he isn't so closeted that he completely refuses to acknowledge any topic that might bring up the issue of sexuality. The best course of action would be to continue having these kind of dialogues with him -- ones that skirt around the issues of homosexuality or themes of sexuality. My impression is that, were he to find out you were gay, he wouldn't think that much of it at all. In fact, you might find that he sees you as someone he can connect with and can have these honest, open conversations with (as it seems he is already doing with you).

 

So next time the topic comes up and you two are in a relatively private situation, confide in him as much as is comfortable your struggles with your sexuality so that, as you note, he won't feel so alone with what he's going through. It's understandable that you'd be afraid of his reaction -- I know I was afraid to tell my new friend that I was gay. But he ended up being perfectly accepting of it and it doesn't make him feel awkard at all. In fact, it's something that we can even talk about occasionally without it seeming like there's an overweight white elephant in the room, haha. It's always toughest to come out to people you've just made friends with as opposed to older friends (like your ex-girlfriend) because you don't have all those months/years of preestablished memories and experiences in your corner. But perhaps if you were to tell him that you'd like to keep your sexuality just between the two of you for the time being, I don't see why he would break that trust. And if he does break that trust, then you know that he's really not a friend worth having. But then again, from what you say about him (and you do talk about him so well!), I highly doubt this breaking of trust would happen!

 

So yeah, I say think it over and then trust him with this very important part of yourself. You're always going to think of ways in which you shouldn't tell him and you're always going to entertain thoughts and fears of him telling all his friends and suddenly everyone knowing about your sexuality.

 

It's always frightening to trust new friends, but often times exhibiting that trust is the most genuine act of friendship (and, as you hope, more than just friendship) once can do. I feel like this is one limb that you can definitely go out on, one that definitely won't snap under your feet!

[Mrocza]

More likely than not, as you mentioned, he's gay.

 

But he is repressing it, so tread carefully. You're strong enough to not let the ideals of your family and upbringing affect your sense of self, but for a while you struggled too.

 

I think you should just give it time...he'll come around. He seems to like you. He's curious about it...and lets face it, you can't hide your true self forever. Keep hanging around with him, you never know

[FoxLocke]

Keenan, ironically, Seattle has always been my dream destination! I have been researching it for a few years now and I've decided the moment I graduate college I am going to live there! I think it is so great to live in a city so accepting of gays. Where I'm from (Houston, Texas) we do have a thriving gay subculture...But it is a totally "Us/Them" thing...People are still very homophobic.

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate them.

 

 

 

I'll take all of your advice here! The way you put it makes more sense. That is why I want to bang my head against the wall for not just telling him I'm gay...But I guess the moment and timing wasn't right. However, we have plans to hang out again. It just makes me sad about the process he is going through. I know all too well what it is like. And, perhaps, if he sees that I'm gay then maybe he might feel better about it. Because I do think that he has alot of respect for me(and vice versa), and maybe I should just trust him...Because he trusted me enough to talk about his struggles with his own sexuality.

Hopefully, one day, it may turn into more. I am not trying to rush things but I think we could be good together...

[keenan]

Keenan, ironically, Seattle has always been my dream destination! I have been researching it for a few years now and I've decided the moment I graduate college I am going to live there! I think it is so great to live in a city so accepting of gays. Where I'm from (Houston, Texas) we do have a thriving gay subculture...But it is a totally "Us/Them" thing...People are still very homophobic.

 

Fantastic! I used to live in Austin, and it's pretty good compared to Houston or Dallas or Fort Worth (yeesh)...but Seattle is way better. We're like a snug little oasis up here. A bit sheltered, but in a really nice way. Portland is a winner, too.

 

 

 

I'll take all of your advice here! The way you put it makes more sense. That is why I want to bang my head against the wall for not just telling him I'm gay...But I guess the moment and timing wasn't right. However, we have plans to hang out again. It just makes me sad about the process he is going through. I know all too well what it is like. And, perhaps, if he sees that I'm gay then maybe he might feel better about it. Because I do think that he has alot of respect for me(and vice versa), and maybe I should just trust him...Because he trusted me enough to talk about his struggles with his own sexuality.

Hopefully, one day, it may turn into more. I am not trying to rush things but I think we could be good together...

 

Go for it. Good luck, and keep us posted if you feel like it!