He is dangling a carrot! What do I do????

[designer71]

Hi everyone. I need some advice – or maybe a course of action as to what to think and what to do.

 

I have been dating this guy on and off for 2 years. He was acting like a total * * * * * * * for the month of December because his business was going down the tubes and his financial problems were weighing on him. I was understanding, and I allowed a certain amount (small amount) of rudeness, gruffness and emotional abuse because I knew what an awful situation he was in. It was difficult for me to allow him to be mean to me, because I will admit, I am needy and insecure and usually need reassurance that all is well frequently.

 

Fast forward to New Year's Eve. Long story short, we broke up because he was disregarding any emotional needs I had for months. I was fine to be there for him during his difficult time, but he just had nothing left for me. I actually told him on New Year's Day that I wanted to be just friends, that I was so unhappy with the way our situation was. (New Year's Eve was a flop – he went to sleep at 10pm after we planned a romantic evening – and that was after an awful Dec.) And he agreed. Then I panicked and missed him desperately and asked him if we could try to work things out a few days later. That I still loved him. We didn't get back together, he didn't want to, but we have stayed friends since then. It was against everything in my best interest to stay friends with him because I am not wired that way. It takes me a long time to get over people.

 

So anyway, things have been going well and he tells me that he thinks he could work his way back to a relationship with me. So that's great. We talked every single day, and even did things and made plans like couples do. In short, we did everything exactly the same except we didn't have sex. I've been patient and understanding. But then the other night we were on the phone and I found out that he gave his e-mail address out to yet ANOTHER woman. He goes onto Yahoo games and link removed and plays games on his computer. He even had me join, but I have no real interest. Anyway, you can talk in a chat room while you play, and he sometimes exchanges e-mail addresses with some of the people he meets in there. He has 10 women and 1 guy he talks to now. I get so upset and hurt that he does this. To me it's like the equivalent of picking someone up and getting their phone number – except it's in cyber land. Am I right to be bothered by this? So I lost my temper over it the other night. I was so tired of it and had enough. I feel like he is dangling this stupid carrot in front of my nose and in the meantime, our not being together gives him license to do whatever he wants. So we argued about it and he told me that I was emotionally unstable, blah, blah, blah. Then he tells me how he planned this wonderful Valentine's Day for us (kind of like a let's get back together thing) but now I can "forget it". But only a few sentences before that he defended himself to me saying that he has never led me on to think we were going to get back together. What the hell is this guy's deal???? So last night on the phone he told me he didn't even want to try anymore, that's it's over. So I said the only thing I could say, which was: if that was the way he wanted it, then there is nothing else to say. I wished him luck in his life and I apologized for my mistakes in the relationship. He didn't apologize for his. He wanted to keep me on the phone listing all of the reasons why he didn't want to get back together. I cut him off by telling him that he had said all he needed to say to me. I understand what he said, and I accept it. He sounded hesitant to get off the phone and asked again if we could be friends. I told him that we couldn't, and that I should have never tried to be just friends with him like I have since New Year's. I told him that if he no longer loves me or wants me, it is unfair of him to try to keep me around. He then tried to go into why things weren't going to work out again – defending himself – when I really didn't want him to.

 

I guess to wrap this long story up, why do I feel so conflicted? A huge part of me wants to call him up and tell him OK – that we can be just friends. But I don't really mean it! I am going to do no contact with him. But the problem is with him it works. He ends up missing me and calls me so we can argue some more. How can I convince myself to really let him go? How can I not fall into the comfortable zone with him again? And to top it all off – I had promised to lend him $2,000 and said I still would – for him to just let me know when he needs it. I feel so stupid for that promise. I hope he'll pay me back, but who knows? But he needs it to move. I don't want to punish him by not keeping a promise I made to him months ago. I keep thinking that he doesn't REALLY want to not see me anymore, that he is just trying to push my buttons for me to beg him again. Am I just fooling myself?

 

I feel so confused. Does anyone have some objective advice?

Thanks!!!!!!!!

[PrincessLinzay]

Ick. What an awful situation to be in. ((Hugs))

 

Well, I think you definitely have the right idea. It is selfish of him to expect you to wait around being his "friend" while knowing that you are hoping for a reconciliation. You are completely justified in telling him that you aren't capable of being his friend, and he will just need to accept that.

 

As for the loan of $2000, I definitely don't think that you should proceed with it. I also do not think you should feel obligated because of a previous promise. As you have already told him that you can't be his "friend" and he has said he doesn't want to reconcile your relationship, loaning him that money would be akin to "giving" him that money. What has he done to deserve such generosity?

 

I know that you're hurting right now, and the temptation to take any scrap he offers is very real. But don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be with someone who isn't only giving you half measure.

[Itsok]

He is dangling a carrot, and your biting the end of it quite nicely for him.

 

You two are still basically dating but he still feels free enough to give out his contact information to a bunch of women online. I agree that it's the equivalent of cheating.

 

He's trying to punish you by saying that he won't take you out for Valentine's day, etc. You are being emotionally abused here in my opinion. He doesn't sound loving towards you at all.

 

Yes NC works and then he comes crawling back. It is time to do it, and have the strength to stand up for yourself! If he calls/texts/emails ignore it, period. No matter how hard he tries to get a reaction out of you, you must learn to ignore him and worry about yourself.

 

Do NOT try to be friends with him. You've put off your healing long enough letting him treat you like ****!

 

Take my advice: ignore him and all his advances and move forward.

[keenan]

Re: the carrot. I suggest peeling, grating, or chopping.

[Blue In Texas]

The very name of your thread answers your question. You dangle a carrot in order to manipulate someone into doing something she otherwise would not do. The operative word is manipulate. You, like everyone else, has insecurities. He has found them and is playing on them. Why in the world would you want to be friends with this man? He treats you badly and wants to borrow money, which you hope he will pay back, to boot. Designer. You do not need to settle for this. Tell him the bank is closed. The emotional well has run dry. I leave it to you to suggest to him what he can do with the carrot.

[07071970]

amen blue in texas. im sure your better than that. u seem like a good girl, you can find someone better maybe?