I solved my mystery. Case closed!!!

[octopus]

Dear EnotAloners, Here is my account of my failed relationship that I finally put into words this weekend. It specifically applies to my case, but I wanted to share it with you all, since your feedback was most helpful in understanding the mechanics of what was going on. I hope you will find one or two things in there that will help you too.

 

if you're not familiar with my case, just click on my user name Octopus to see my posts, especially in the Getting Back Together forum. But a short necessary background info: My ex was 31 when we met (I'm 24), and he was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. He was just dumped by a girl he loved.We lived together for 6 monts, broke up 3 months ago, and haven't seen each other or talked on the phone for 2 months. I will see him at a conference the first weekend in March.**********************

 

I finally got it!

 

After spending months thinking "Why did his feelings change?", I finally got it. His feelings never changed. He never had the right feelings. He did a very good job of making me believe he did.

 

He wanted to have feelings. He wanted to be in love with me. He wanted this wife search to be over, and he wanted to have that person to spend the rest of his life with.

 

When we met, he felt sexually attracted to me. I was a foreigner, I was different, there were a lot of interesting things that came with me and my background.We shared the same hobbies, we were both engineers, and we were very much alike. He thought all that was great, and he wanted to see if he could also fall in love with me. Wouldn't that be great if that were how things worked in love??!!

 

He was dumped by his ex-girlfriend only a few months before we'd met; not to mention he lost his dad 2 months before. He was in love with that girl. I know that because he told me, and one time I did something very embarrassing and read his emails (after we broke up). He wasn't over her when we met, but with the excitement that he'd met someone new and someone he was attracted to, instead of taking things slow, he desperately rushed in. One week after we broke up, he took her out to have dessert on his birthday. During the entire time we were together, his phone was set to ring with a different tune when she called. One time she called him because she was locked outside, she asked for her spare keys that he had. Just out of curiosity, I went with him to give the keys (and met her) and he was visibly excited, almost shaking while driving to her house. How could I not see these signs then? I acted cool, because I thought that was the graceful thing to do, but how could I not see that I was in shadow of that girl all that time?

 

Only after 6 days we started dating, I left for Fiji. He offered to pack up my dorm room for me while I was gone, so we could spend more time together when I came back. When he drove me to New Jersey when I started my job, he stayed Sunday night and left back for Boston at 4 AM Monday morning to be at work at 9. When I told him he should have left Sunday night and rested before work, he said "That's what it means to be together". Also one time, he told me that "Love is like building credit; you have to work very hard in the beginning and enjoy it later". He has these things defined in his head under "This is what it means to be together".

 

Now, for 3 months, I was wondering, losing sleep over the fact that he hasn't called me once to ask how I'm doing since the break-up. How could you not care for someone you spent the past 6 months with? He would call me at 9 30 PM, every day, until that day we broke up. And I finally get it. He will never call. Because according to his book, this is "what it means to be NOT together". We're not together anymore, I'm gone, I'm over. I was someone he wished so much he could fall in love with; he treated me like a queen and tried as hard as he could hoping it would work, but it didn't, and it's time for a new contestant now.

 

In the meantime, I was a perfect example of someone falling in love innocently, spontaneously, without any calculations or background thoughts. This is probably why the break-up came as a trauma for me, and it was way easier for him to move on. I bet I'm not the first girl he dumped because of his unhealthy method of starting relationships.

 

When he told me "I loved XX(at college), and YY(last year) before, and I know I can feel that way in a relationship, and I've lost confidence that I can feel it with you", he was proud of himself for being honest, for doing the right thing; breaking up with me because he couldn't see a future. But what he should have done, was to NOT start this relationship when he didn't have genuine feelings for me to begin with. If I were a rebound for him after YY, and if he only felt lust for me all this time, he should have never offered me to move in with him. He should have moved on before he, himself got involved with someone else. it took him 10 years to get over XX, whom he still loves and talks about often, how could he be over YY only 6 months after she left him? I got screwed meanwhile.

 

I think this account of what happened is the most realistic I've been able to see so far. I feel a sense of peace, and hope now. I don't feel I lost something extremely valuable; it was never what I thought it was. I'm not mad at him anymore, I pity him. I don't think this is how love works. He's desperate because he's turned 32 and he wants to find someone. I don't see - unless they get back together with YY, or he completely gets over her - how it'll be different than ours with any other woman he dates. He starts the relationship for the wrong reasons, and when those reasons really become visible, he ends it. Tell me, how could he have felt 'that way' for me when YY was sitting in his heart all this time?

 

Now, besides this really comforting feeling, I feel something else: Power. I think I know what he was thinking finally. And I see that there's an opportunity, becoming stronger and stronger, that wasn't there before. That is him actually falling in love with me, after 3 months of separation. When we were together, he was trying, and it didn't work. Now, we don't talk, we haven't seen each other, and he's lonely (I don't know if YY is interested in him or not) and he's not trying and I'm not trying; I'm no longer the person who expected to be loved by him; I don't live in his house and I'm back at my very exciting small world. Now this makes our meeting at the conference in March even more exciting. I will have the confidence of knowing something I didn't know before, and being in a state of not wanting ANYthing from him, or not even caring that he's there will change the balance of emotions.

 

As of this morning, do I want to be back with him? No, I don't. I want to be loved genuinely, he never loved me that way and I don't want to go back to something that was just a mock-up of true love, that was just wishful thinking.

 

It took me so long, and a really boring trip to North Carolina, but I finally get it.

[keenan]

Wow. What a fantastic post! Thanks for sharing those great insights, octopus.

[Nathalie1970]

Octopus, I'm glad you feel this way and that you had time to sort out your feelings. Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hopelesslee]

That was a really inspiring post. You deserve to find someone really great who genuinely returns your love, and I know you will!

[Shadows Light]

That was an awesome post OCTUPUS...and I'm glad you were able to sort it out and get in touch with your feelinigs. He.. unfortunately is "NOT" in touch with his feelings. Maybe he doesn't know how to do that. Avoidance behavior maybe???? You are right.. until he gets over the feeling of "rejection" by YY... he's not gonna get it. I don't think he was "malicious" in his "trying" to fall in love with you. Or had the "intent" to hurt you. Very few people operate from thats sphere of influence. Yes.. his methodology and way of coping is off and unhealthy.

 

I'm glad you have come to a sense of enpowerment and feel "free" of it.

Good for you. Very powerful learning you've had.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm really happy for you, octopus. You sound like you've really made a leap forward in your healing. It sucks to think someone could treat you like that and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But it seems like you've got a sense of closure now. I hope you keep healing and taking back control of your life.

[deejay74]

i'm very happy for you octopus. i hope i get there soon!

[romanticlover]

I wish I could realize that my ex was not right for me, I could be treated better, and can be happier. Unfortunately, I cling onto someone that I love, which has been rare, and it's hard for me to let go. I can easily write out all teh things she did that were bad and good, and I think there ar emore bad things, but I held onto the small things that were cute, cuddly, and sweet. I guess I can find these things in a girl easily, but with her it was hard to let go cause I didn't feel them with any other girl over the past 10 years. I NEED to accept this, be strong and realize I didn't deserve to be treated that way and it's ok to be different.

[octopus]

You know, RomanticLover, there's a magical feeling about being able to let go, too. Now I was nowhere near that recently, but now when I go to bed, I have the strange confidence of knowing that, if we were meant to be together, years, or lovers later, it will happen. I couldn't think that at the beginning of my break up, only now 3 months later I can stand the thought of it. Read this:

 

“There is so much in the lives of all of us that we don’t know that justifies tolerance and forgiveness”

 

Herman J. Guckenberger (1880-1962)

 

So, maybe the fact that we're not together with that ONE we're so crazy about is because it's not the right time yet? Maybe it will happen when the time is right? OR, even better, we're not together because there's a better relationship in store for us?

 

I don't know. if i didn't think positive things like this, I'd go nuts.

[Lady Bugg]

Hiya Octopus!

 

I had this same EXACT insight over the weekend...after reading a different book, but I basically have the same feelings you do about this who thing. I think it is easy to beat ourselves up for not being the one for THEM. It is refreshing to actually KNOW it is something beyond OUR control...because if it wasn't meant to happen it just was not meant to happen..PERIOD. I do believe that once you close the door on something ..another door opens...but I think so many people keep that one door 'cracked" so long they never get the chance to open the right door or window of opportunity.

We waste so much time, effort and energy trying to change the minds of our exe's..or HOPING they will...rather than looking within US and making the neccassary changes we need to make better decisions on what WE want or need. Not them. Ultimately....all we can control is ourselves.

[Lady Bugg]

I wanted to also mention that I feel like I had what most alcoholics would call a "moment of clarity"...and that I will FINALLY get over this "addiction" move on..and be free. It feels great!