struggling with the concept that there's someone better

[deejay74]

this snowstorm has left me inside so i apologize for all my posts today.

 

there is something that i am having a hard time accepting or dealing with. everyone says that there is someone out there who is better than my ex. while i am trying really hard to see this, i am struggling with that thought.

 

by nature, i am a picky person with just about everything. i generally know what i like.

 

there are so many characteristics about my ex that i really like and that past women i have been with only had some of them. for instance:

 

- almost identical tastes in music (which is rare because i like a lot of electronic dance music, specifically drum n bass and deep house - friscodj should know about these genres) and so far, i have met only a handful of girls who like 1 or both).

- she and i both used to be involved in the rave scene back in the day in our respective hometowns (i listed this because those who never were involved in the scene don't understand the culture and the type of people who were involved. i've related much better with men and women who were).

- she actually used to live in my hometown for about a year and we have mutual friends back home (well, this isn't so important)

- she's artistic and creative and is going to have a career in the fashion industry (i've always been attracted to girls like this)

- she's got great taste and style with regards to clothing (this relates to the above trait).

- she's smart, easy-going, easy to talk to, positive (she taught me how to "turn those lemons into lemonade").

- she can cook

- she's exposed me to alternative healing methods and opening up my mind to other ways of thinking. i know this sounds weird, i can't really explain it. (she worked at health spas for years and turned me on to these methods which NO ONE has ever done before).

- and even down to her physical features (i liked EVERYTHING - such as body, hands, feet, lips, etc). i know that sounds slightly shallow, i am trying to make a point.

- we were very compatible sexually and were very comfortable with each other

- and she's got a lot of personality

 

i honestly have never met anyone like her and i am very afraid that i won't. the things i've listed above are important to me. i am sure you all can agree that there has to be some things that you and your partner have in common and the more there is, the better it is. (with regards to the good things you both have in common).

 

now, i know she has a lot of personality and character flaws that i don't like. yes, i've made lists about things i didn't like about her but the qualities i did like always end up being the bigger list. i know deep down she's not the one for me but again, how am i going to meet someone who will beat out that list i have above? If i haven't met someone this before, how can i convince myself i will again?

 

the thing is, i would like to know if i have made an impact on her in a positive way too.

[red10]

I know exactly how you feel....it's really hard to move on, and try to see the light at the end of the tunnel - looking back at our relationships is so painful, because we obviously saw it differently than our SO's.

 

I am very picky like you - i know what i want - i know what i like, and what i don't like...but also open to new things - my ex was perfect for me - even with his flaws, we all have 'em!

 

but we will get over this, and just when we least expect it we will meet someone who has all of those same traits as our exes, but even better...you just have to keep telling yourself that!

 

i think it's okay to look back and reflect on the past, as long as we don't stay there for too long! everytime i think about my relationship, i try to come out on top with a new lesson that i have learned...so in the future, i can be a better person to myself - and also to others.

 

i ask myself the same thing, did i impact his life as he did mine? he already answered that for me, without asking...and i know i made a huge impact...the way i see it, is that i prepared him for this new relationship...it sucks, but i smile to myself because i think he is so very lucky to have had me in his life - no matter how long, and if somewhere down the road we will be friends again....but i will move on just as he will.

 

not sure if my post helped, but i think it helped me vent! hang in there though, we'll all be okay

[Dako]

I sure empathize with you, as I have a similar worry.

I've been married so long I never noticed other women. I was so smitten by the ex, I stopped noticing others.

Even after 6 months my ex is my idea of a great woman, but when some posters here mentioned her pedestal, I wondered if I was going through a phase idealizing her. In time I came up with some less-than-perfect traits and realized my lovegoggles were still on.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I still find her amazing, but something happened last week that made me realize all is not lost. I started to notice women again, and feel like a teenager. I may be alone for the rest of my stay but there are a lot of smart attractive ladies in the world.

Maybe even one that would have a similar list of fine qualities as your ex.

Love has a way of heightening our awareness of our partner's fine points and diminishing the flaws.

[Miss M]

One result of looking back at everything that was wonderful, and then believing that there is nothing to compare to that, is that you stay stuck in the past. It's just a way of keeping you from moving forward. It's a way to block you from looking for your next "adventure" in life. Of course it's perfectly natural to look back to wish again for what was good, but you shouldn't accept that it's good and right to stay there forever. Grieve for the past, yes... but then recognize when it's time to begin to move on. While you remember the good stuff of the past, try to also open your mind and heart to the rest of your life, to the love(s) that are waiting for you down the road, and around the next corner.

 

I like what "AntiLove_SuperStar" posted on another topic but it also fits this one...

"I wonder what the next person Im going to meet and seriously influence is doing right now?"

 

Eventually you have to stop looking backward so you can step out to meet your future.

[keenan]

Oh, man...I feel this way, too. I don’t mean to sound sappy or idealistic when I say that I think my husband was fantastic...amazing...in nearly every way--all the way from major personality characteristics I admire down to tiny, idiosyncratic stylistic preferences that really made us click. I'll never find that particular magic combination again, and it breaks my heart. Really.

 

However, I have two saving graces: (1) I realize that one way in which my husband is NOT amazing is that he no longer really feels the same way about me; (2) I think there are other 'magic' combinations that are probably just as rewarding, but in a different way.

 

I never spent much time noticing or thinking about other guys, but I do have a lot of guy friends...and that has given me the chance to see first-hand a little bit of the magic that they share with their wives and girlfriends. That magic comes from characteristics and little preferences that I wouldn't miss, because they were not part of my relationship. They were invisible to me. But I can kind of…sort of…maybe (if I squint really hard and try not to think too much) imagine that a whole constellation of currently ‘invisible’ qualities will become really, really important to me someday if and when I love somebody who has them.

 

one quick edit: I guess that I'm saying I'm not convinced we love people just because they have the right laundry list of perfect qualities. I'm suggesting that we grow to value and love some qualities because the person we love and admire has them. They work in tandem.

[romanticlover]

Despite our differences, my ex herself told me we were meant for eachother. Then she turns around and says she was not good for me and she needs her space. I don't get it. Deep down I miss her liek crazy and from talking to a few girls socially so far, they don't even come close to my ex in many ways. Thsi is really hard as I feel I won't ever have that again. I have only been in "love" twice, and usually they are with very independent strong women. Then I always end up getting hurt because I am not like that. I loose interest rather quicky with girls that have their act together, and go for the ones that are head cases. To go from hearing I love you every day, reading text messages, etc etc, cuddling every night, to go to nc in a hearbeat. Thsi is very hard to deal with. I know she feels that I hate her and it seems she is upset by that. But she hurt me AGAIN. 2 times now. Deep down I just want to hold her, and if we did see eachother in person, I would melt. I dred running into her cause I would probably break down. We just always have had that connection between us. I doubt I will find someone at this point anymore. I am around women all the time, meet them, but just something is always missing. After thi s recent break up, I really see no hope anymore. Even when we first met, we hit it off sooo well. I don't think that can happen again.....

[Miss M]

Keenan, that's EXACTLY what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better.

 

Yes, those relationships were wonderful, but there are so many different ways to experience "wonder-filled" relationships. The "magic" happens when you can open yourself up to the other possiblities, instead of staying confined within the pre-set boundaries. I think part of it is being able to appreciate the wide variety of life's expressions.

[Dako]

Keenan,

You're phenomenal! That's exactly what I couldn't articulate.

[mystik]

I guess that I'm saying I'm not convinced we love people just because they have the right laundry list of perfect qualities. I'm suggesting that we grow to value and love some qualities because the person we love and admire has them. They work in tandem.

 

I am trying to get over my ex, he dumped me a couple of weeks ago...and this site has made me feel so much better in much less time than I thought it would take. I however, only had one last worry that I felt was pulling me back...I was worried I would never find someone who had a, b, c and did e, f, g.... these so called perfect list of qualities I loved. Reading what you said Keenan...it was like you freed me with your words. Seeing it from that point of view...I think I even feel excited to meet this next person full of perfect qualities! I wonder what they will be, what else I could also grow to love and value thank you.

[NJRon]

The reason why people say that there is someone better for you out there is becaus ethere is someone out there that will love you as much as you love them. It doesn't matter so much all the characteristics... when you fall in love, the person has a lot of good characteristics to you, though they may be different and even thing you would have never htought of before.

 

When you love someone, and they love you, then it is 'someone better' than your last relationship.

[Hunny1607307342]

I know what you mean...I was telling my friend the other day; when will I ever meet another guy who has the same favourite song as me?! AND has his birthday a week after mine?! AND etc. etc. But I just have to slap myself with sense; of course there will be someone better, one day. I just can't see them, that's why I don't believe it's possible. The only thing that bothers me is that because I am so fussy and barely ever fancy people, I will be waiting a few years. But at least I know ONE DAY I'll find someone who loves me as much as I love them. One thing that helps the break up easier for me is to picture him coming back to me and telling me he changed his mind, and me saying no. It just brings control back to me, it's like saying 'you'd say no anyway, so why are you crying, hold up your head and smile'. Because as much as my life has been completely shattered, I'd just have to force myself not to take him back. He's not crazy about me, thereforeeee it won't work out and I'll go through this again, because if he was crazy about me he would never have broken what we had. Everyone deserves someone who's crazy about them. The break-up happened, you can either sit thinking about your ex forever, or you can try and make a break-over. Everything happens for a reason, don't forget that. xXx

[deejay74]

hey thanks once again for your replies.

 

i hear what you all are saying and i know what you mean, it's just that until i met my ex, all the women i had been with only had a few of those qualities. after i met my ex, i saw how much we had in common and that really meant a lot to me and made me realize what brought us together. i want to feel that again on as many levels, if not more.

 

thanks again.

[octopus]

iwantherback,

 

Up until a week ago, I thought he was the greatest and completely irreplacable too. And he is, in many ways. I had never been that interested in someone before, although I've had many, many boyfriends. He had everything I wanted, in terms of personality, lifestyle, quite like the list you have there.

 

But like Keenan said, if he doesn't love me, what good are all these? Maybe we were meant to be great friends, I don't know. And I know that someone else, who might have 180 degree different qualities, might still have the right combination of magic to light that spark in us. I don't want to believe this is the end for you, or for me, anything is possible. And that's the best thing about life. You don't know what will happen tomorrow.

 

From my experience, this feeling of being afraid you'll never meet someone like her again, will pass in time. Maybe it'll take you another 10 years to find someone, but I'm sure you will. And so will I. Otherwise let's all commit suicide. There was only one person for us, and that's the one we won't ever have again, forever. I don't think that's how it works

[Miss M]

Wow, I'm so grateful for all the wisdom being expressed here.

 

Twenty-seven years ago, I walked out on 3-year marriage. From then on my ex told each subsequent woman in his life that she was being compared to me... and also that she couldn't measure up. Well, most of them walked right back out of his life, as well they should have. I sure wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that kind of news. And while it was great for my ego, it was a very rotten thing to do to those who came after me.

 

Some comparison is expected and unavoidable. But it's definitely not a good idea to get stuck there. And it's also not at all fair to the next "beloved" in your life to expect her/him to replicate someone previous.

 

So, the best thing is to be grateful for what you had, and yet still stay open to what's yet to be. Yes, it might take a while to find another who fits so comfortably. And you certainly should honor the part of you that wants that magic again... IOW no settling for what doesn't suit you. But that doesn't mean one should give up completely... And know that true love can definitely happen more than once in a lifetime.

[Dako]

I just got off the phone with my ex. I still love her dearly but she's a little pushier, brassier and controlling than I remember. I don't think she changed, I did.