A jerk or a darling?

[Hunny1607307342]

Just out of interest, how have your break-ups been? Has the guy/girl been cold-hearted, or cheated and brushed you off, or has he/she been as sweet and nice as possible? Because my guy was all sweet and nice, telling me all the good things about me, and that I deserve better etc. etc. and being slighly 'fake' to make me feel better.

 

BUT now that I think about it... I'd rather he made me angry than upset. I'd rather he admits to being a jerk for leading me on like that, rather than giving me puppy dog eyes telling me that he's not. Because that way I can sprawl out all my emotions through anger right onto him. Now I feel rather weak and naive. It all ended with me smiling sweetly. I just want to yell at him WHY DO YOU LIE LIKE A RUG?! WHY DIDN'T YOU ADMIT TO BEING A PLAYER WHEN I ASKED YOU FROM THE START?! But I'm just upset. He was sweet. Sometimes I wish he was mean. Anger is easier than sadness.

 

Do you see where I'm coming from? What are your experiences?

 

xXx

[red10]

my ex was drove 2 1/2 hrs. to tell me he wanted to pursue another relationship with someone else (which i will not get into)....he stayed the night, everthing was fine, and then the next day he told me - so i don't know....he wasn't mean about it, no yelling or argueing....just talking and crying. He cried, told me he loved me, and when he left, he took away everything that i looked forward to...it was really sad, and i knew this was extremely hard for him.

 

sometimes i wish i had a reason to yell at him - but he's just been too good to me (before this) and i know he is sincere, it hurt him a lot too.

[friscodj]

My experiences? In time, it all won't matter who broke up with who, under what circumstances, etc.

 

You'll meet someone and will feel love and true happiness again or for the first time. Your heart will race and your smile will beam after experiencing the joys of a first kiss and a heart stolen. That is what you should be focusing on, not the details of a past break up...

[merickso]

My ex is being kind - she is a kind person. A year and a half ago I dealt with the opposite: my ex cheated on meand hid it from me for 3 months and kept me hanging by telling me she loved me but that she needed space.

 

Because I have been in both situations recently, I can tell you that its much harder to deal with someone who is cheating, lying, mean, etc. I know it may seem like it would be easier if the ex was a jerk because it would make you know 100% it was over, but it is not (or is not for me). I do see where you are coming from, and right now my ex has told me that she wants me and her to work, she loves me, she isnt interested in anyone else, and she misses me. I wish so much that she would just choose one route - either with me or without. But I think it is giving me some comfort during this super rough first month of the break up to know that she isn't with anyone else and that she is missing me.

 

I think that, regardless of how the ex is being after he or she breaks the relationship up, we, the dumpees, will just wish it was different so we didn't feel the same. The bottom line is that you (and I) are hurt because the ex doesn't want us for some reason.

 

For instance, when my ex cheated on me, I kept saying to her that it would be SO much easier if she broke up with me and wasnt with someone else right away.

 

now that my current ex left me citing religious differences but she "loves me and wants to be with me and misses me, but needs time"... I want so badly to make her choose definitely, even if it is me finding out she is with someone else.

 

Those are my experiences.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hmmm... I suppose. Being cheated on is one of the worst things.

 

But what's annoying in my situation was that the guy was being FAKE. All he felt was guilt, he wasn't hurt. That's what annoys me. And I think he DID do something of a jerk but pulled it off as a sweet guy. And I couldn't help being like 'aw'. And as a result I've never lost it with him, even though I have in my own mind several times.

 

I know now that 100% its over, but I see him everyday at college and he still flirts with me - and at first I was it was like jabs in the heart have him be so flirty but not mean anything by it. But he told me 'he can't help himself'. I was being cold to him for a while and avoiding him and his comments...but that wasn't natural either. He was too sweet for me to be mean. I suppose I've just gotten used to it now and the other day I was even like what the hell might as well flirt back.

 

Such is life........ I don't know what else to do. lol.

[merickso]

yeah thats tough. does he have a new girlfriend?

 

the advice I have seen on here suggests that trying to be friends with someone who you want more from usually doesnt work - so maybe the next time he "flirts" with you, you can just let him know (nicely) that its hard for you to continue to communicate with him when you want so much more, so its best that you guys just simply nod and smile when you see eachother, and cut out all of the flirtatious chit chat. I dont think that would be "being cold", but do you really think that you are going to be able to get over the breakup if you and him continue to flirt?

[keenan]

Interesting thread, Hunny.

 

We have a long, great history together, and the most part my ex has been genuinely kind and caring...he feels sad and guilty. BUT I admit that I've grown to dread and loathe a whole family of "wolf in sheep's clothing" one-liners that seem to pop out of his mouth when he doesn't have anything of substance to offer: "You're absolutely perfect, I know I'm going to regret this someday [uh...you wouldn't regret it if you didn't do it]"; "You're such a catch; you deserve somebody who can give you so much more than I can right now [thanks...but not a good enough catch for you, huh?]"; "Everyone thinks I'm crazy to be doing this, and I feel like I'm making such a mistake [yet you're going to keep right on making it, right?]"; "I'm going to miss you so much [mmm, you wouldn't have to miss me if you were with me]". And my personal fave: "I love you so much [subtext: but not enough to actually want be with you]."

 

Drivel. Seems like nice drivel on the surface, but feels like hurtful drivel underneath. I think it makes it easier for him to sugar coat falling out of love with me. I know he intends to be nice (or maybe he's just a big chicken), but these mixed messages made it really darned confusing for me for a long time.

 

No, I don't want him to be mean, but I would have appreciated a little more honesty...or bravery...or self-control...or at least some insight into what his "sweet" lines were doing to me.

 

Wow...thanks for letting me vent.

[Hunny1607307342]

That's what I experience too keenan!

 

Post breakup I tried the POLITENESS ONLY comminication, but he just can't help being flirty, he's like that with other girls too, so I can't tell him to change his nature. I could, if I said 'I want more, so don't do this please', but (a) I dont what him to think that I'm not over him, need to keep my dignity and (b) even if I did tell him, he might listen at first, but he'd just eventually go back to how he was. E.g. I was planning no phyiscal contact at all, but what am I supposed to do when he lunges himself on me with a hug. So I've just gotten used to it now. Being around him so much like this will probably slow down the healing process, but unforunately we're in the same room every morning for registration, just moping about... so in my world, theres no such thing as NC...

[keenan]

Ugh. I wouldn't know how to deal with that. I think I'd feel like he was trivializing our relationship by not realizing that LUNGING at me with a big, friendly grin might be confusing and sad and just...weird. He apparently does NOT feel that this is hard, so it just rubs salt in the wound. But maybe he's just wanting everything to be normal and happy and friendly as possible so that he doesn't have to feel guilty, or feel like he has unfinished business with you. Maybe he wants it to be all smooth and pretty, so he's trying to fake his way to that place without actually earning it by respecting you. Want him to stop? Next time he lunges at you, 'accidentally' kick him really hard in the groin. Do it again the second time. Unless he's really dumb, he'll keep his distance. Sigh. That is not a practical solution, I know. But it's fun to think about.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hahaha that's one thing I HAVEN'T tried. I think you're right about his intentions for behaving this way; he wants it to be all 'rainbows and butterflies': a smooth transition from girlfriend & boyfriend to 'just friends' with no hard feelings. I was pretty upset about him not finding this difficult.

 

Although, being friendly is one thing, but he's such a flirt too. He made a flirtatious comment the other day and I was like 'What did you say?' and he replied 'Oh I am going to be flirty. I can't help myself'. Sigh. MEN.

 

Some would say just ignore him, I've tried that, but I can't have that kind of tension between us every morning, I never hold grudges against people, and also its too hard when he's so friendly. So then I tried just strict politeness, and then he keeps flirting again. If I give him a slap he'll think I'm disturbed. The other day I just thought whatever and even flirted back. I don't know what else to do with the boy. lol.