12 days NC....strugggling...

[shebop]

My story is (I also wrote this to Mj2503...i hope you are doing ok!)... i was with him for almost 4 years...we broke up about 6 months ago. I actually went away and he phoned me and suggested a "break". I knew that maybe he had interest in someone else or that he just thought since i was away that it was a good time to figure out what he wants..... i was upset..but we had discussed the possilbility of us breaking up at one point to figure out what we really wanted. (we were together for pretty much our whole college/university).

 

I called him back after i had some time to think about things and told him that he could have his time to figure himself out and we would talk again at Christmas (which would be about 6 months and i was going to be away for this time). He wanted to keep talking...but i told him that i didnt think that was a good idea...as I wanted him to figure out things. For about 2 weeks we didn't talk and then he would start randomly emailing me...which i responded and he msned me..which i responded...he told me he loved me and asked me serious questions about marriage and life in general ("to see if we were on the same page"). The contact happened on and off until christmas.

 

We finally met at christmas (and I actually had been away this whole time..in a different country). To make a long story short he told me that 5 months wasn't long enough for him to figure out what he wanted...and that he still loved me and saw a future with me..but he needs more time. I had to go back to europe (that is where i am now until march..then i will back in canada). I was pretty upset by this..but we spent time together on the break and it was fun (nothing physical..i didn't allow for it..although he wanted to). I came back here and the whole cycle of talking and communicating was starting up again and I finally decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. He won't committ...and I have to sit here and wonder what he is doing and hope he will message me or email me. He was in total control of my emotions (well i was allowing him to be).

 

I decided 11 days ago...that I would write to him one last time. I emailed and told him that I didn't want to be a person that says one thing and never sticks with it (telling him that we shouldn't talk and then always giving in when he emailed or messaged) I told him that i would never want to be settled for. I said although breaking up is painful, I couldn't think of anything more painful than being with someone who doesn't really respect me and feel excited to be me with everyday.

 

I wished him luck and thanked him for a great 4 years and all that i have learned and then said goodbye. This was sooo tough for me to write....and I am trying to believe that it was the right thing to do. I hope it was. I feel like if he really wants to be with me...then he knows where to find me. If he never comes...well at least i am getting the opportunity to move on and learn from things.

 

So this was all great...now i am doubting what i did and wondering if i made a mistake. I am wondering if he is angry that I stopped contact with him...as if never did respond to my "last email". It has been 12 days now since that email and Iam trying to think of any excuse to contact him... The thing about our relationship is we never left on bad terms, do you think it would be a total mistake to contact him or send him an email...i think it might be..so that is why i decided to write here...i would appreciate any advice or insight...

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think you should stick to your decision. It's enough already. Needing time after 5 months? No wonder if you were left feeling very insecure. I think you made a good decision, and should really try to maintain NC. It doesn't help to contact him. If you allow him back in your life, chances are that he will never fully commit himself to you. And you history will repeat itself. So what if he is angry? He should have made up his mind much earlier, he can't drag you along like this and sort of keep you as a 'safe' option.

 

Take care. Move on. This guy has to learn a lesson, and your decision might have taught him that.

 

Ilse

[NJRon]

You definitely did the right thing. He can't commit after 4 years yet still sees a future with you but need more than a 6 month break? I don't think so. If he can see a future with you, he would be pursuing it.

 

I know it was tough to do what you did... but you definitely did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself.

[no_expert]

...I said although breaking up is painful, I couldn't think of anything more painful than being with someone who doesn't really respect me and feel excited to be me with everyday.

 

I wished him luck and thanked him for a great 4 years and all that i have learned and then said goodbye....I feel like if he really wants to be with me...then he knows where to find me....now i am doubting what i did and wondering if i made a mistake

 

I'm new here - so what do I know

 

But I think the ball is in his court. Decide how long you are going to give him to hit it back. Because you're right - if he wants to be with you, he has the move here. I think you focus on moving forward without him. That way, you keep control of your own heart. If he thinks you're worth it, he'll get in touch. And if the day comes when you no longer sit and wonder if he's going to contact you, you're free. Hope this helps.

[mj2503]

hi Shebop

Sorry I didnt read this earlier, I just stayed away from the computer last night as I didnt want to write an email I would be sorry for in the morning.

 

Anyway enough about me, how are you doing today Saturday? Where in Canada are you from? I am pesently in Calgary, I moved here from Ottawa about 7 years ago.

 

You said your in Europe, Dave lives in the UK, Manchester to be exact, pretty far from Calgary.

 

I watched sex in the city last night and it was about how guys break up, sticky notes, emailes and even text messages from a cell phone. I just dont understand if you have been together for any length of time why you wouldnt want to honour the time spent together even if it is coming to an end.

I think I live in the clouds alot when it comes to romance.

I hope your feeling better today. I like the idea we can be each others support going through this.

 

*hugs*

mj

[AwdreeHpburn]

Stay your course shebop. 12 days is a huge victory. It'll only get easier. Its good you have a friend in MJ - utilize that.

 

Stay strong.

[mj2503]

SheBop

I also wanted to tell you how much respect I have for you for hanging in there and not contacting him. You know how weak I am. Of course you are 100% right when you speak about how we need to be with men that know what they want and want to be with us with no hesitation.

There is a book out there called something like "He Just Isnt Into You" it is written by this guy who was a real player, he has now found the love of his life and is married. Anyway the premise of the book is if a guy is into you he will do anything to be with you, climb mountains, cross water, walk on fire you know the whole nine yards. If he doesnt want to be with you he will find all sorts of excuses not to be with you. Mostly he will be kind as he doesnt want to hurt your feelings.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that mine relationship has out lived its shelf life.

I know your struggling, he will come back to you if he wants you without your intervention.

I am thinking about you and sending you good energy.

 

*hugs*

mj

[shebop]

Thank you for the responses,insight and encouragment... I know that the right thing to do is keep the NC..and I got through today without doing so...but what a struggle. He wrote me an email a few days after i left canada and went back to europe (this was in january) and at the end he said that he loves me more than i'll ever know. Its funny that he has said many things like this to me and i guess he is a perfect example of "all talk...no action"

 

We are both 25 years old and he said that if him and I were going to be together he wanted to go into with strength because once he commits that is it for him...whatever that means (so i guess he thinks going around and being a bachelor and sleeping with a bunch of girls will help so that he doesn;t feel like he missed out on this lifestyle). Is this a valid point?? I wouldn't want to be with someone if they were going to resent the fact that they didn't get this experience b/c they were with me.

 

Also he was my first serious relationship..so he said they he doesn't want me to have doubts (but i just think that is a good excuse for him...) It took a long time to open up to him and love him and he always kind of resented that a bit (i sensed) so when i said to him that 5 months should be long enough to know what he wants..he said that i should be a little more understanding consdering how long i took to open up to him... (it took me over a year)

 

Anyway..I am just babbling..and thinking of the stuff he said to me to justify doing this. If anyone thinks any of these things are valid points or just a bunch of crap.....let me know. It is so hard to imagine myself being able to trust and love someone else like this...this is exactly why it took me so long to open up to him...b/c i knew that i woudn't be good at handling this and i didn't want to go through this...

 

tomorrow is a new day...thanks again guys and any more insight/encouragement is appreicated...

[NJRon]

What he is saying for himself is true. It's just that, what it really boils down to, is he's not ready to commit. Period.

 

The stuff he says as far as concerns for you are just justifications. Trying to make him feel better by "offering" you the same freedom.

 

Hang in there.

[Scout]

I was awed to read how you handled this painful situation. Although you might not have been the one to ultimately decide the relationship was over, clearly you have a solid foundation of self-respect, whether you're fully aware of this or not.

 

Seriously, what you did is the ideal thing most people should do in similar situations - but rarely do. Then the healing process can take them forever, literally. Because now they're not only mourning the loss of a relationship, but also the loss of their self-respect because they caved in, begged, pleaded, and refused to acknowledge that they were doing so to someone who was not as perfect as they thought they were.

 

I love how you clearly stated you deserved more than being "Settled" for. Believe me, there's a good chance one day this fact will come crashing down around your ex's ears. I suspect that by then, though, you'll be with someone who knows without a doubt, he's landed one of the most lovable people in the world.

 

Stick with it. And be very proud of yourself for having such impressive strength and insight.

[keenan]

shebop, scout is right: you're an inspiration. stay your course; you're piloting your ship with smarts and strength. you are WAY too great to be hanging out on this guy's back burner. (enough metaphors for ya?)

[shebop]

thanks for the kind words everyone....i definitley didn't think of myself as an inspiration...but it is encouraging to hear that and makes me feel better about my decision....so hopefully i can keep sticking with it!

 

So my next dilemma...i am in another country until april...and I'm obviously not over my ex, but i am wondering what you guys think about seeing other people. I have been seeing a guy here on and off. I am a bit confused with what i should do. My ex was the first guy that i have been "serious" with (meaning slept with) so now i feel like maybe i should try the whole casual thing and have that experience...well i am kind of doing that with this guy but i feel guilty about it.

 

I am moving back to canada in a couple months and this guy i am seeing seems to really like me. I like him, but i obviously don't have close to the same feelings for him as I do for my ex. I am here in this country on my own (and english is not the primary language) and I have been dealing with this breakup and i guess having this guy and his company helps me keep my mind off things.

Do you think I am better to completley be on my own right now...or do you think seeing other people (although i know i am not really ready for anything serious) is a good idea?

 

Any advice would be great..

[dishrag]

I had very loving relationships fall apart when I was younger and I turned into a person I regret: Boozing and sleeping around. You may need to get out and have more casual relationships to make yourself feel better in the short term, but in the long term, you might realize you weren't being true to yourself. That's my story, anyway.

 

If you feel better sharing your time with another guy, I'd say continue to do what it takes to feel better. I'd be cautious with him, however. No one likes being on the other end of a rebound.

 

I forgot to add that I'm very proud of you for ending the ambivalence. This is very hard to do!

[shebop]

i had a bad day today...and i really wish that i could talk with my ex. it has been 20 days now since i last contacted my ex and wrote him that email (my story is at the beginning of this thread). You know i am kind of surprised and hurt that he didnt write back.. and at least say yeah i understand...good luck or whatever. i am in a foreign country right now with really no one to support me and i really miss his support. He always believed in me..and today i didn't believe in myself at all ( i am here playing a pro sport) and more than anything i would love to call him or hear the encouragement he has always given me. I think what is the point of being successful or accomplishing your goals if you have no one to share them with. It feels like he was the only one that really understood me and supported what i do..and now he is gone and i am doubting my whole purpose. I really don't want to contact him b/c i know that i will feel worse but i just wish he loved me enough to want to be with me.

i just thought i would write b/c it was a bad day and i thought this would probably be better than contacting him

[Scout]

Hang in there. You did the right thing coming here first when you knew you were having a weak moment. I understand the feelings you are having right now, and although they hurt, it's perfectly normal to have these little "waves" of sadness and disappointment. It's actually part of the healing process.

 

I know it would be great if he would contact you - it would be wonderful if he announced he changed his mind - but your last email to him probably revealed to him the truth: you were done with being "second fiddle" and even though it was going to be hard, you were moving on with your life.

 

It may not seem like it, but it's probably showing a shred of decency on his part by not contacting you. He realizes that he needs to stop stringing you along, and so he's letting you go.

 

Sure, it would be wonderful if he didn't want to let you go...and to be honest, I'm sure there is a part of him that doesn't want to...but there's the other part of him that for whatever reasons, can't or won't give himself fully to a relationship with you, and so he's doing the right thing (finally) and not asking you to accommodate his wishy washiness.

 

There's a good chance one day he will realize how much you impacted his life in a positive way, and I do think you'll hear from him at some point down the road...but you really should try as hard as possible not to go back on your word, not to go back on what you said in the email to him. For your own self-respect.

 

Stick with it. It's hard as hell, but you're having a wave today, and it will subside, I promise.

[shebop]

thanks scout..i have read a lot of your posts and I think you give great advice and support... and right now thats exactly what i needed. it's funny b/c although i feel like i am moving on...there is apart of me that just feels stagnant..i still think about him every day..and i rehash our relationship in my mind and what i did wrong (and i know there were many things...such as it took me a long time to open up to him). i still have this hope that he might come for me and it is painful feeling like i am waiitng for that. I know that i can't "wait" for him...there is a part of me that has accepted that we won't be together but then there is another part of me that hasn't at all. i am here in a foreign country so i guess having a lot tiem to think doesn't help.

anyway..thanks again for you support...i really appreciate it

[Scout]

You're most welcome, and thanks for the nice comments. I'm sure it's doubly hard for you to deal with all this right now because you're in a foreign country. It's a little scary when we have to rely solely on our own strength and self, isn't it?

 

But it's also an opportunity for incredible personal growth. Try to focus on the positives of your current situation. That may sound trite, but after all, you're embarking on an adventure so to speak...being in a country that is not your own. Explore, soak it up, and explore some more. In short, live. You might surprise yourself by having an absolutely fabulous time (and those pesky "waves" we talked about in previous posts will appear less and go away faster)!

[shebop]

UPDATE...it ihas been over 70 days of no contact...a 2 1/2 month..and my ex emailed me 2 days ago..i don't know if i shoudl repsond or not and would really appreicate peoples opinions.

Some extra info....He went to my parents house about a week ago and gave them a couple things of mine...and he left me a book ( i forget the name...b/c i am not at home right now..and my parents told me)..it is a classic love story or something...and in it he wrote, i hope that our paths will meet again in the spirit of love...I love you..

 

Now He emailed me 2 days ago and wanted to tell me that he is in the US playing a pro sport (something he has aspired to for so long) so i am proud of him. I am in europe playing a pro sport as well..so we both respect our goals ect.

Anyway..he said he knows that i don't want to talk but he wanted to tell me all about it. THen he went on to tell me about how he is roomates with his teammate and wife and how they are making it work together. Then he asked me what myplans are for the summer and the upcoming year and what i will be doing.

Then he ended it by saying that he doesn't want to get to mushy..but he thinks about me and giggles often about little things he only knows about me also imagines my what i would say in certain situations.

 

I emailed him back yesterday and then panicked and decdied that i didn't want to send it..so i went into his email and erased it. I know that is bad..i should not have done that..but i did. I saw an email from a girl....it is not new to me..b/c i know he has been seeing girls, and i have been seeing guys. But this girl lives in the US and it sounds like it went really well between them...i really shouldn't have even gone into the email..b/c now i kind of feel crappy again, although ithough i was fine about this now..but i guess seeing it first hand didn't help matters.

...then he emailed again today to ask me a question about "busines" in his words and that had something to do with with taxes last year (b/c we owned a house together but sold it).

and then he said it woudl be great to hear from you.

So shoud i respond??

His first game is today and he is said Wish me luck..i am proud of him and happy that he is pursuing his dreams..but i don't want to start the cycle again of thinking that he can email me and we can keep contact

This 2.5 months has been a big step..so i don't know what to do!

Any advice asap would be great!

Thanks

[shebop]

Any advice...anyone????