stormy_sunshine Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 If this is the guy that you have posted about with whom you have a very rocky relationship I think it would be a grave error to have his baby unless you are quite positive that the problems in your relationship have been properly resolved and that you can provide the baby with a stable home and loving, committed parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Honey, mid 30s are fine! More and more women are waiting until they feel truly ready these days, and the 30s, even 40s, are the time that often happens! I don't plan on having my children until later, as I am going back to school, and not ready yet, have so many things on the go at the moment, as well as want to give more alone time to my relationship. I used to think I would have my first child by 30....and I often sit there thinking at my age how my mum had three kids already and kinda wish I was in that place too...but honestly, I think waiting until I am in my mid 30's is the best thing for ME personally, and my partner. And I am glad I waited until the RIGHT man, rather then had them earlier - since I know he will be a wonderful husband and father. Yes there are some higher risks as you age, especially with Downs Syndrome or a harder time conceiving, but there are so many diagnostic tests these days, you can know ahead of time (and decide what to do) and at least prepare. My cousin has Down's Syndrome and he is delight, and no one regrets him, but some people do choose to end pregnancies too when they find out. There is also so much awareness on nutrition to prevent other complications. I would not wait forever if you want to try to have a family, since you never know how long it might take you (even if you were 20 it could take you lots of time!) but do make sure you are ready. And realize....you will NEVER be 100% ready, you just have to do it when it feels right, and you know you are ready to learn as you go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 My Mom had me at 33 without problems, and that was over 20 yrs ago. Modern medicine is making it possible for women in their 40's to successfully have children. Don't worry about the bio-clock thing, concentrate on the relationship and your happiness. Children change the dynamics of any couple and will strain already tense issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 My mom had me at 36 and she had no problems (and neither do I) However, if you've been together for 9 years, and this guy hasn't decided if he is ready to commit to you, then I think you should move on. If he hasn't figured out that you're the best thing that's ever happened to him, you should just let him go.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 My mother had her last baby (my sister) at 40... no problems. You are right that the risk of birth defects increases at 35+ significantly, as well as other possible defects, because our eggs are present at birth and the older we get, the older they get and the more chance for "error". My bigger concern is that you have been a live in couple for 9 years and he hasn't asked you to marry him..... and you want that... What is he waiting for, that after 9 years he doesn't already know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 Just found this on your other thread: I have no friends except my boyfriend, which half the time I want to break up with (but he'll never leave me) and half the time I want to marry and have his baby (but he'll never marry me). And so I retreat to online video games (MMORPGs for those who know) to satisfy my social needs. I hate people, I need people, I love people, but I hate people. How sad is all this? It doesn't sound like you and this guy should even be thinking about a baby. He won't even commit enough to you to marry you after 9 years (and you say he never will)... and half the time you want to break up with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShySoul Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 From what Hope put up, you shouldn't have a baby with this guy. You should wait until you are in a better relationship with someone who really loves you and things are more stable. You seem to really care about making sure the life of the baby is good, and I don't think the relationship you are in would give the baby that life. Work through your own issues and get your life in order first. Being in your mid 30s is not too late. My mom had me in her late 30s (unsure the exact age at the moment). It's ok to be wanting a baby right now, thats something that most people want and you'll start to feel more pressure on yourself to have one as you get older. But you still have time. The odds are still against you having a child with a birth defect, even if the odds do increase as you get older. However, even if you did, would that be so bad? I am sure you would still love the baby just as much and do everything you can for him. There is no reason to assume that if you had a child, it would have a defect, and if it did have one, the child would be just as special and just as loved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AwdreeHpburn Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Having a child is not like buying a car. Both very expensive yes, but a child is a very delicate, fragile, psychological being. If you are not entirely happy with your current situation, don't bring a baby into it. I don't think YOU should stay in it but you are an adult and can make the decision regarding who you live with. A baby can not. Bringing a baby into a rocky relationship will NOT make it better. The situation will most often get worse and more stressful, which is bad for everyone involved, including an infant. I appreciate the biological clock thing, but like everyone has already said, people are having kids later and later these days. I just think you should be at a place of complete comfort with yourself and your mate before bringing another life into the picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 3) He does want to marry me (but feels unworthy). Let's talk about this. What does this mean???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Ok, well, you two have been together for 9 years, you are essentially common-law married. On one hand, rushing to have a baby isn't a good idea. On the other hand, you two have been together for 9 years, and there's no time like the present. Like RayKay said, there is never a 100% good time to have a baby. So what exactly is stopping you from taking the next step? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 has he been going to therapy for his issues? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I'm not trying to get you sidetracked. I'm just trying to help you get to the bottom of things. It's just that... after 9 years, you two should have a pretty good idea if you are committed to each other or not. And if you are, and you want to have a baby, go for it. But, others have said (and I haven't looked through your old posts) that you've had a tumoultous relationship. I think it's pretty important to go over the issues, make sure that they are resolved, before you take the next steps. It sounds like he has some pretty serious issues if he doesn't think he's good enough for you, after being with you for 9 years. Look at it this way - if you can't afford therapy, how will you afford a baby? There are other places to get counseling for free or discounted prices, including going to a church. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 Yes that was my concern too. In your previous post you said that half the time you wanted to break up with him and the other half you want to have his child. I'm sure you would understand why we would be concerned about bringing a child into an unstable relationship where you often want to break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I've waited till I'm almost old to have a baby, until I knew I could raise it right, and then I'll probably get a serious life-shattering complication because I waited so long. ](*,) Well.... yes, I see where you are coming from. You want to make sure that you are ready and things are stable in your relationship and financially. But, at the same time, as you go into your 30s and 40s, it becomes more difficult to have a baby and the risks of birth defects go up. And plus, the younger you are, the higher energy levels you have to take care of a baby. So.... I guess.... just think about things. Therapists are sworn to confidentiality, so he can go talk to someone. If he really has such deep issues, do you think fatherhood is the best thing for him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 I think it is not working out because you are looking for something that people will not, or cannot, give you, which is validation for your position when they fundamentally disagree with you. Advice that merely validates what you want to hear is only of value if what you want to hear is the best thing for you. In your case, people can see that the unresolved problems you have posted about with your relationship are such that it would not be a good idea to have a baby under those circumstances. Certainly not for the two of you and most definitely not for the baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy_sunshine Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 Thanks for your help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 This is an open forum and people are free to post advice within the rules. It is for the person seeking advice to use or ignore the advice that is given. Otherwise the moderators would be imposing their views on what is good or bad advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 This is an advice site. What makes someone qualified to give advice is that they were asked. And like DN said, you are free to take or not to take our advice as you see fit. The title of your post is, "I want to have his baby....sometimes". I am just trying to help you get to the root of your uncertainty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now