Hoping for the best...

[whateverittakes]

Hey everybody at eNotAlone. Great site and great advice on here, it's been helping me cope for awhile now.

 

My story. For a couple of months prior to the new year my ex-fiance(we were to be married

in May) had been talking about wanting to move closer to her family(they live 4 hours drive time from where I live).

I put it off and put it off. I have a 12 year old daughter and I kept saying that she couldn't handle such a move.

Finally my ex told me that she is moving with or without me to get some time with her family and to try and sort things

out, I haven't seen her for 3 weeks now(20 days to be exact).

 

She asked me if I would ever come and see her. In my stubborn manipulating way I said 'No, I won't', thinking that this

would persuade her to not leave. Of course, it only put her into action faster. The first week she moved I was a blubbering

idiot and called her everyday, begging, pleading. At first she was willing to stay a couple and just slowly work our way

back into a relationship, but as the week went on she became more and more exasperated with me and each time I called

left me with less and less hope.

 

I then went 6 days without contacting(before I found out about the NC thing), but it got the best of me and I sent her a package

with letters that I'd written and also a gift and a poem. Oh boy, that was wrong. She called me as soon as she had received it

and told me she wished I hadn't because now she says that she just 'Can't do it Again', then I blubbered again.

 

So, I've come to realize that if I hadn't been a blubbering idiot and not been a stubborn mule that I could possibly be working with her, on

our future, rather than now trying to figure out a way to get her to trust me again.

 

Well, now I'm on day 5 with No Contact. After the last call I realized what I had just done by blubbering and sent an email to

apologize for my insane behavior and explained that I realize that it does neither of us any good and that when she is ready

to give me a call. I'm not sure whether or not she got the email or not because she hasn't responded(it depends on where she is if she can check her email, her Dad has the Internet, her Mom doesn't).

 

In the meantime, I've decided to try and move on with my life here. I've decided that if she contacts me and truly wants to try and work

things out that moving from here really wouldn't be a bad thing(only if things progress to the point in our relationship where a life together is likely). I've also ordered a copy of a book called 'Bonds That Make Us Free', it was recommended. In addition to that, every night instead of writing her a letter I work on writing down the things I did wrong, how that made her feel and then I write down what I could've done differently and what I WILL do differently in the future.

 

Do I want a second chance with her? Hell yeah. Do I sit sometimes and stare at the phone and wonder why it isn't ringing? Yep, but after reading peoples stories here, I've realized that if she does come back to me I better be ready and I better be better and that it may take her some time to find what she was looking for when she first decided to move out. If she doesn't, well, that sucks but at least I'm a better person now.

 

The thing that scares me the most is what if she really does want to move one, or what if she is getting bad advice somewhere because somebody else has ulterior motives and what if somebody else comes along. LOL...I hate what if's, I need to work on getting those out of my head.

 

All I can do is hope for the best.

 

Thanks for your time.

 

Matt

[Relationship Coach]

Matt,

Welcome to ENA! I think you will meet many who have walked in your shoes before and are willing to help you. I'm sorry for what you are going through, I have a 12 year old son and I put his feelings first many times. I think you will find out after you purchase books and listen to advice from here and there, that you really didn't do anything wrong. Whether see was running "from" something or running "to" something, bottom line is, she was running. I understand that she wanted to be with her family but I don't think that with you being engaged and getting married in May, there are some holes in your story. Being told that I'm moving with or without you doesn't sound like a person committed to marriage. I have a strong belief she left because she knew that you would not follow her because of your daughter. How long are you willing to put your life on hold waiting for her to either say she is coming back or ask you once again to move. I don't see it happening either way. I'm sorry but "I can't do it again" sounds like the first real thing she has said.

 

Spend all the time in the world on making yourself a better person but do it for yourself, not her.

 

RC

[PrincessLinzay]

Hi Matt, and welcome to enot!

 

After your initial lapse with the blubbering and the care package of letters and gifts, it sounds as though you've adopted the right attitude. Working on improving your own circumstances is the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself. It's definitely more attractive when someone is confident and happy then whiny and morose.

 

It's good that you can aknowledge your own faults in the demise of the relationship. Especially that you recognize that you exhibit manipulative behavior, which is something to work on.

 

To be honest, your situation doesn't sound as though it's helpless to me. I think with some work, there could easily be a reconciliation.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and hang in there!

[whateverittakes]

, there are some holes in your story.

Actually there are, as I re-read what I wrote. I had become complacent in our relationship and assumed that no matter what she would always be there. After taking a more rational look at myself, although only the beginning of it, I realize that even in my dress and appearance I have let things waiver. Of course, now it sounds like I'm defending her leaving and placing it all on myself but I do recognize a lot of it is myself and my faults.

 

To be honest, your situation doesn't sound as though it's helpless to me. I think with some work, there could easily be a reconciliation.

Thank you, it's good that an outside perspective sees that it's not helpless. Maybe she got cold feet about the marriage and just needs time to think and reassure herself that it's the right decision.

 

I also have a question, I need to send a package to her with some of her mail and tax documents she will be needing. With Valentines Day looming, do I include a simple card or do I simply let it slide. My feelings are that I let it slide because, well, we're broken up. However, I wonder that if I don't send something simple she will think that I'm not thinking about her. Then again(LOL, I keep going and going), my behavior in the beginning of the break up should suggest to her that I'm thinking about her?

 

Thanks all, sorry for all the questions. I'm sure I'll have more.

 

Matt

[Relationship Coach]

Send what she needs, if you think it will improve your chances of reconciliation then send a small token something but I wouldn't. She moved away from you and broke the engagement that is a very strong message. I'll check tonight when I go to the store but I'm not sure Hallmark makes a card that delivers the message she needs to hear!

 

RC

[whateverittakes]

Wow, this NC stuff sure can be tough. This is only day 6 and all day I think that maybe if I call, maybe this time she will be receptive. Or, maybe she is waiting for me to call.

 

Then, I think about the advice on here and that if she wants to hear from me she'll make the call or at least shoot off an email or something. So, starts another round of 'call her, call her not'.

 

When we first started dating she told me that she wanted a man to fight for her if he wants her. That is the thing that makes me want to call the most, yet, she asked for space and if I truly love this woman then I will give her the space she needs otherwise I am just being selfish. I'm pretty sure I can keep myself confused enough today to not call her

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Matt

[whateverittakes]

Any advice, opinions, would be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm getting some documents of my ex's prepared for shipment on Monday and also a few other things of hers that will fit in the box. My daughter has asked me to also send some proofs of professional pictures the two had had taken together. I'm wondering if by sending these proofs/pictures it will enhance my ex's potential feelings of guilt about leaving the relationship? Thus, pushing her further away?

 

Today is Day 8 of no contact and with the Valentines Day holiday approaching I'm feeling the desire to contact her mixed with the 'if she wants to talk to me she will call' feeling. However, I wonder it by not contacting her I am sending a message that I am no longer interested?

 

I'm hoping that the holiday will be the day that puts her over the edge and has her contact me. The previous three years on that day I've done something different and special for her so here's to hoping.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Matt

[Big Jim]

I dont see a harm in sending that stuff. You guys are done for now by her hand, your being mature and sending her stuff back. It may actually shock her that you are so casual about it, she may think "man, didnt he realize this stuff would upset me?" It will bother her you are not taking her into consideration, and rightfully so. Do not contact her, if she loves you she will contact you. You say she may just think your not interested anymore, but put yourself in her situation. Would you doubt that a girl you dumped and was heartbroken was over you all of a sudden? be a little cocky man, she knows how you feel,you dont need to make a spectable of it. You were teh most important thing in her life for a good chunk of time, it will hit her eventually just what is she walking away from. Send the stuff, no sappy notes or Vday wishes, and keep NC. If its meant to be, it will happen

[whateverittakes]

You were teh most important thing in her life for a good chunk of time, it will hit her eventually just what is she walking away from. ............... If its meant to be, it will happen

 

That's what I was thinking, at least I know that sending the documents isn't breaking No Contact especially considering she needs them for her taxes. I keep hoping that she will realize that she is actually walking away from something.

 

Today is my day 9 of NC and this morning I nearly broke it, Sunday is tough because it was a special day we spent together with my family and stuff. But, I will get through, I intend on doing some reading and reflecting on some of the things I could do to better myself.

 

Some people are telling me that people cannot change and that they are who they are forever. In myself I can see that I disagree, in the short time she's been gone I've seen so many things that I can do better, not just for the relationship, but to make myself a better more caring person. One thing that gets me going is when people tell me something can't be done..LOL..I will change certain parts of myself because I want to be better and if she comes back, or when she comes back, she will see too that people can change without changing the essense of themselves. As my name implies... Whatever It Takes.

 

Thanks for the support Big Jim.

 

Matt