sweetlyloved Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 My fiancé and I have been together for a little over 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship our sex life was fantastic. We literally had sex every night, sometimes several times. But now… things are so different. I’m lucky if we have sex once every 3 weeks or so. I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. He downloads a lot of porn and looks at a lot of dirty magazines and masturbates all the time. So I know his sex drive is there. But it seems like he’s more interested in having sex with himself than he is with me. I’ve tried spicing things up by wearing costumes, using toys, suggesting we do something in public… and it may work for a night… but after that he’s right back to not being interested again. It’s a big issue in our relationship because I’m a young woman who enjoys having sex… and I could probably get laid more if I were single than I do being in this relationship!! But I love him.. But I’m not satisfied. I do anything he asks me to do in the bedroom but he refuses to go down on me. (He’s never tried it before.. on any woman and for some reason won’t do it) Last night he was in the shower and I walked in to wash my hands and he was masturbating. I made a joke out of it and he said to me ‘Would you just give it a rest!’. This upset me and I replied ‘Oh so I’m not allowed to be upset by the fact you enjoy having sex with yourself more than you do with me’ and he said ‘frankly babe. I don’t care’ That hurt me A LOT. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if we can fix things because I seem to be the only one who’s doing anything to help. I’m sick of the porn and I’m sick of feeling unattractive. Does anyone have any suggestions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 I can see why you are hurt and I don't blame you. I am not one for ultimatums but I think this is the time for one. Tell him unless he agrees to counselling, alone or together, you will call off the engagement. Don't marry him unless this issue can be resolved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 I agree with DN. This problem has come up so often here it really is sad. There must be some way to treat his addiction, but if he refuses you might just have to find a healthy guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomAdvisor Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 I agree with DN. Porn isn't always a problem in relationships, but when he starts to become more interested in porn than he is in you - it becomes a big problem. You'd be making a terrible mistake to marry him unless this is fixed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 There are many different levels of this addiction and how to approach it. In my practice i have found the list below which comes from BYU's Women's Science Group very helpful. I wish you the best whether you chose to stick it out or end the engagement. RC What to do if a Loved One is Addicted to Pornography According to the Family Life Center International[1], Hearts of Darkness[2] (an anti-pornography organization founded by a recovered pornography addict and his wife), and link removed[3] (another anti-pornography foundation), the following steps are recommended: DO: 1. Do learn all you can about breaking a pornography addiction 2. Do contact a hotline or counselor to get assistance in developing an intervention strategy 3. Do confront your husband's problem 4. Do practice "tough love" with your husband. Assist him in overcoming his addiction, but do not enable his addiction by covering up his behavior 5. Do resist any perverted sexual demands from your husband (pornography addicts frequently desire to "act out" the perversions they view) 6. Do resist the false notion that if you make efforts to become "sexier" it will solve your husband's pornography problem 7. Do break secrecy: Sex addicts like to stay in the dark. Family and friends fear embarrassment and judgment if they tell others. Breaking secrecy helps dispel the fear and open doors for getting help, both for you and the addict. Ways to help break secrecy could include joining (or starting) a support group or talking to a trusted friend or family therapist. 8. Do be careful in accepting addiction recovery advice. An addicted husband is more concerned with a selfish fulfillment of his addiction than with how the addiction is harming those around him. Get professional help. 9. Do participate in an organization or activity that can help you and your husband to rebuild intimacy and strengthen your marriage. 10. Do let your spouse vent. He has more pent-up feelings than you probably know. 11. Do pray. 12. Do realize that you can go so far, but he is the one who decides how much he wants out. 13. Do invite an overcoming former pornography addict into the family life for an encouragement to him and as a source of help. 14. Do set boundaries. Let him know that you will not cross those lines. 15. Do show love. People usually don't get into porn to harm or offend others. They are drawn into porn by their own desires, and then discover that they're hooked. Love is one tool that can help rescue them. 16. Do be honest with him. Let him know how his actions make you feel. 17. Do set up computer-use rules such as moving the computer to an open area, using the computer for specific, planned tasks, being online only when family members are around, or adding net safety tools and screens DO NOT: 1. Do not blame yourself. Men with gorgeous and precious wives turn away from them to use porn. Pornography is addictive and it is a spiritual problem. 2. Do not yell or use accusing statements. 3. Do not enable him by keeping silent or secret. Pornography use is a secret sin. Bringing it to light is the first step in overcoming it, along with his confessing it and admitting his need. 4. Do not stop praying for him. 5. Do not stop loving him. 6. Do not embarrass him in public. 7. Do not threaten to leave (if you are married). Simply making idle threats to leave rarely produces positive results. However, there may be times that it is necessary, for the physical or emotional safety of your children or yourself, that you must either leave or demand that he leave. 8. Do not deny the problem or delay seeking assistance. Although you might be tempted to ignore your husband's pornography addiction, don't. Pornography isn't a problem that gets better with time if left untreated. Involvement with pornography is an escalating habit. 9. Do not condemn the person. Condemnation seldom accomplishes anything more than causing the addict to become defensive and angry. 10. Do not visit the porn sites that your friend or loved one is visiting. It's like jumping in the lake to save a drowning person when you don't know how to swim. One glimpse could give you unwanted memories for a lifetime. 11. Do not enable their habit: If you are doing things that help them continue their sex addiction, we encourage you to stop. You could: 12. Get filtered internet access for your home 13. Set boundaries for behavior and set consequences for breaking them 14. Conduct random checks of their room and computer. Before doing this, ensure your spouse understands that you love him and that you are doing this to help him get free. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [1] Family Life Center International. (2003). A word to wives whose husbands have a pornography habit. Retrieved July 16, 2003 from link removed [2]Buford, M. (2002). Dear hearts....Do's and Don'ts. Retrieved July 16, 2003 from link removed [3]Cook, P., & Cook, M. (2003). Sharing truth about pornography and sex addiction. Retrieved July 16, 2003 from link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 You've definitely put an effort into overcoming thus...you guys really need to see a counselor... His behavior might be showing the true colors of the relationship, sorry to say. He might be with you for the wrong reasons? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eriko Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 That is really horrible. I'm only seventeen years old, but to even hear about something like that just pisses me off. The female is a beautiful thing, I worship my girlfriend's body and only masturbate when I don't engage in anything sexual with her for a while (which isn't that often!). I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, but rather to make you aware that your fiance's mentality is not healthy, and neither is his existential attitude. Psh, "Frankly...I don't care." What an * * * * * * *. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScreenagerX Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Sounds to me like you are making all the effort & getting little to no response which is worrying. I myself got involved with pornography but I wasn't using it a replacement but as a fill in for a lack of actual sex, which I believe is about right. I would always prefer the real thing to the alternative but in the end it all fell apart anyway as I had been hiding it from my wife & she found it (whole other story). Unfortunately Porn addiction is a real thing & it can have detrimental effects on ones life & all things associated with it. Your best course of action is to help him to seek help but be supportive as it can be difficult to admit to. At the same time, don't get in over your head. If it gets to much you may need to walk away which in itself may be the shake up he needs. I am sorry that someone as young as yourself is having to go through something like this (not that its any better if you were older) but you need to start dealing with it now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, but rather to make you aware that your fiance's mentality is not healthy, and neither is his existential attitude. Man, you're doing really well at 17 to be using "existential" in context...nice word dude... Porn is really bringing down our society...sad to say...it's a real shame... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Porn is really bringing down our society...sad to say...it's a real shame... No kidding! I've only recently learned what's going on , and it's a surprisingly big problem. At first I thought it was some kind of joke. I wish it were. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadows Light Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 No kidding! I've only recently learned what's going on , and it's a surprisingly big problem. At first I thought it was some kind of joke. I wish it were. I know what you mean. My X was addicted to porn. Known as the "PORN KING" to his friends.. anyone who wanted to see a video.. come see the "PORN KING" he'd lend you one. It was quite embarrassing. Much like the poster above. I tried to accomidate him in the bedroom. Possibly even compete w/ his addiction. The lapses inbetween lovemaking grew greater and greater. 3 weeks?? 3 weeks and I'd call that getting LUCKY.. try.. more like 3 months!!! or longer. I cracked a joke to one of my friends once..."I"m Bi-Sexual" I only have sex 2X a year. Hey.. it was a way for me to cope. To the orignal Poster.. I say that you set your boundaries and stick to them. Set boundaries of what is and what is NOT acceptable to you. Don't vere from it. Do Not Get married.. unless he's willing to go to a counselor or couples counseling.. maybe a sex therapist. Until he's willing to listen to an outside source. He has got to admit to his problem.. before he can begin to make correction. I was afraid to Throw out my "X's" tapes, magazines, books, DVD's... I was afraid of the repercussions of destroying "HIS" property.. and the INTERNET STUFF... uggghhhh I don't even want to go into that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Yeah, my ex liked porn too, and kept telling me, "You know, I don't know if this relationship is going to work out. I just can't see us going to the porn shop together..." Now I'm glad she's an ex... It goes both ways, men and women, my friends...it's bringing us all down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 My ex used to get home from work about midnight. She's sneak up behind me while I was on the PC chatting with someone about VW engines or power kites, and say " Oh, PORN again?" Our little joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 My ex used to get home from work about midnight. She's sneak up behind me while I was on the PC chatting with someone about VW engines or power kites, and say " Oh, PORN again?" Our little joke. A whole new line of sex toys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NinetyNineAndFortyFOur Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 I'm a husband who has sometimes been seen by my wife as you see your fiancee. We've been married for a number of years now and the problem has not gone away. So don't marry this man unless you are prepared, not to overlook, but to conquer it. Conquest doesn't mean eradication necessarily which may not be possible, unless perhaps you move to Saudi Arabia. This is a problem that, in my experience, requires a fight though. There is not amount of understand and alternative that is a solution, those are only weapons in the fight. While I happen to be very opposed politically to "oppression" as far as censorship and so on there is nevertheless an often overlooked, but healthy and necessary personal "repression," whether we're taught that's a bad word and concept or not, really has to exist to maintain equilibrium. There's an influential book called "Shame: The Power of Caring" which puts accross the notion, too disused, that it's actually a constructive emotion. It's a good idea to hit the reset button. To step back and take a puritanical tack for a while, until perfectly nice things seem naughty again. I'm going to tell you what I wish my wife would do but that I could never ask her: Go dominatrix, essentially, but with a church lady thrust. Be a witch hunter, but keep a little wink in it. Let him know if he follows orders there is a small reward.... Hope that's helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 The "frankly babe, I don't care" is what concerns me the most in this situation. If you two are getting married, that is a reation that won't bode well for the next 10, 20, 20, 40 years....as there will be more issues that come up that need more effort from both sides. Don't get married until this IS resolved, as marriage sure won't magically fix the issue. I know it is hard as you have been with him for three years, and since you were pretty young too, but you do deserve someone whom will work through these issues with you, and show some actual "care" about your feelings. I suggest you bring up counselling, and if he refuses to go, at least go for yourself and sort through your feelings and figure out how you are going to deal with this......and even if it does mean an ending, help you through those issues too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 moved................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candy604 Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 there's a dr.phil article on porn, search it up and show him. Porn isn't healthy for your relationship. Don't marry him if this continues, get it fixed coz it won't go away unless he gets help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 If he has a porn addiction then he needs help and if he fails to get the help that he needs then you need to do the responsible thing and leave him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holyohio Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 Is this a porn issue? or an excessive masturbation issue? because you say he is addicted to porn, but also that you caught him whacking off in the shower (assumingly without the use of porn). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treefrogkate Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 My boyfriend and I have an extremely healthy sex life (1+ times a day), and we both still masturbate, and we both know the other watches porn. Masturbation and porn shouldn't really be a problem until that interferes with the relationship, and this sounds like exactly what happened here. As someone who married a guy after overlooking all of his serious flaws, and then got seriously hurt by him and divorced him, please get counseling before getting married to this man. Change can only happen in a willing partner, and if he doesn't care about your feelings, change isn't going to happen at all. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life having sex once every three weeks? Are you willing to constantly feel like you come in second to his hand? I know I wouldn't. I hope things work out for you. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, and you shouldn't suffer because he can't stop whacking it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
witsend Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 I am new to this site. I have never actually entered a chat room at all but I am desperate for others opinions. I have been married for 16 years and we have had our share of problems but the big issue for me is that I don't trust my husband. He has had issues with porn in the past and has had an "emotional affair" with a co worker because he said he couldn't talk to me because I was angry at him all the time. He has lied to me repeatedly about that subject and even started talking with the same woman again a year ago even when the first time almost broke us up. When I asked if he had seen her at all, he told me no and that I was crazy and why do I keep bringing this up etc. etc. Then I presented him with emails between him and her....he even asked her to go to dinner over email when we were on a family vacation back east at his parents house with me in the other room. Porn has creeped in and out of the situation but when I confront him he gets defensive and tells me it was just that once or that its all in my head. My daughter has found a porn DVD in his desk and yesterday she and another friend found a random picture of a girl in her underwear when she uploaded some pictures onto Picasa. Then I decided to look in the garage where he plays guitar and instantly I found a DVD labeled "archive 5". He says he doesn't look at porn anymore and makes me feel like I am crazy then this happens. There are many more examples I can state about what I have found but you get the picture. What do I do with this? Our sex life has been a problem in the past. He didn't want to have sex with me for months but I found out he was looking at porn and masterbating. Of course, he didn't want to be with me because he said I was angry all the time so he has his side of the story too. I went through a tough post partum depression and he didn't know what to do so he poured himself into work and porn and masterbating. My questions is, does my husband have a porn addiction or am I crazy? I don't look that often but when I do I seem to find something. I am going insane. I can't take it anymore. I feel like he has a secret life and I have just touched the tip of the iceberg. He is basically a decent family guy but I don't trust him and he actually creeps me out when I think of it. He also lied to me recently and said he was going out to dinner with friends and I found out that he and one friend went out with 2 young sweedish girls as part of some "mentorship program". I am silently going crazy with all this.....................Help!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
witsend Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 I should also say that our sex life has improved recently....my husband needed some help and with Viagra everything works fine! We don't have sex that often but then again, we are both very busy and tired with 3kids and a hectic life. Just thought I would add that because its not all bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whenamansloveisreal Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 in my opinion if i had to choose between a little porn and wanking on the side and a rerun of everybody love raymond - i'll take the lube please and thank you. hey, i don't know of any man or woman that hasn't done something like that, its a phase - jebus - my ex was doing that way before i was and i didn't mind. and if anyone believes that porn is something someone would pick over the real deal they are delusional. sometimes its all about communication. if things become routine and one-sided stuff like that happens - doesn't mean they stopped loving you. the worst thing that can happen is when a couple puts sex as the last thing they do in the day. if u knew someone that watched porn and u didn't tell him it upset u - then why? men are dumb - spell it out. porn - no biggie. seen it, don't need it. whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
witsend Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 Are you guys talking to me? I am wondering if my husband has a porn addiction and I am in the dark. For years he chose masterbating and porn over me and working on our relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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