Seriously do abused people played victims??

[Dako]

Abuse is a situation.

[Beyondthesea]

I walked out of an abusive situation a few years ago, and I can honestly say that what you are saying is true a lot of the time, but not all the time.

 

I know a lot of other people who are abused and walk and then talk about how they can't go on, or are continually going back for more from new abusive people, and it drives me nuts. The first time was enough for me, I have super radar for jerks now and I have no intention of being abused again.

 

When I did leave, he harrased me day and night to return and it was even more draining. I was down for the count and the amount of stress you already have is unbearable. I sincerely commend anyone who walks out of an abusive relationship and doesn't return, because the pressure is horrible and something you will never understand unless you've been there.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Yes indeed children can't escape without a rescuer, but with adults it's another separate issue.

What I was referring mostly was about them who do actually get out and end it, but constantly tell their stories about being abuse, how they were hopeless, how they can't move on, etc. It gets to some point where you're trying to help them find their way out until you had enough of it and you would be then saying "Ok, well screw ya, get therapy already, instead of waiting to be rescue and not doing anything for yourself".

Have you ever had to deal with a person with a severe mental disorder?

Have you ever sat with someone who was suicidal and tried to tell them that killing themselves was not the solution?

Have you yourself ever been beaten by someone and made to feel it was your fault?

You may feel they are "playing" but most of them are not. You can have no concept of the mental anguish and suffering that is involved with being abused unless you have suffered through it. To you it seems so cut and dry, but that is from the perspective of someone on the outside. You obvious have no concept of what it means to be abused. The whole purpose of abuse is to destroy the person, to make them your submissive and to truly reign over them. Its all about power over that person and once someone has established that power, it is not just a matter of one day waking up and saying "I think I'll get over this today" and hoping out of bed and walking out. It takes great amounts of courage and support form others (and telling someone "Ok, well screw ya, get therapy already" is by no means supportive). There are people in this world that will never have the willpower to be their own person, its part of who they are.

You are as equally annoying whining about whining done by people who really do have the right to whine because of the crap they've been through.

[yeawutever]

I'm annoying??? Wow, you're the first one here to point it out, no one else did. But how would you react if you had a friend who constantly, everyday told you about how he/she was abused, I mean everyday, and when asked if they get therapy, they say "no" I haven't. I mean, I'm not trying to be inconsiderate, yes at first in like the first month I would sympatize with them. Afterall it's that their fault, we know that for sure, but if let 10 years passes by and your friend doesn't get therapy, doesn't help himself/herself, his/her daily routine functions get affected and when he/she calls you, it's only to talk about their abuse and you alreay hear their story more than 100 times. Think about it, you were and still trying to get them help and they refused to. So Carnelian, wouldn't it get at a point frustrated for you, if they were to tell you the same story when talking to me, 10 years later and they tell you the same time.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Have you ever thought that maybe you're the one that needs to forcibly help them? Call the police or a women's coalition, instead of sitting there and complaining about it, DO SOMETHING! Making an issue of something you don't try to change is pointless.

I spent 6 months with a very good friend of mine that every day would IM and tell me he wanted to commit suicide, but because he was my friend each time I talked him down and got him thru the next day. His own wife didn't know how he felt, I told her and she had him committed. He had to be forced to go to therapy and to take medication. It took him 2 years to recover, but he can still relapse.

I have compassion for others because I know that an individuals pain should not just be written off as their desire to be the center of attention, that a vast majority are making a cry for help, just listening to them cry and helping them are two different things. Listening can be helping, but sometimes you need to take action to help them.

[Miss M]

Anyone who wants to sincerely help an abused person should spend a lot of time getting educated about abuse, because it's very different than what you think, and doesn't seem to fit the logic of the rest of the world. It's very difficult to understand abuse, and requires a very open mind, and huge commitment. And if you don't understand, you could end up doing more harm than good. Many people who want to help a victim just end up causing more trauma to the victim, and you can behave in a way that can actually push the victim back towards the abuser instead of away from him(her).

 

In the book Why Does He do That? author Lundy Bancroft gives an extensive list of do's and don'ts for those who really want to help a victim. Throwing around accusation, blame, criticism, is even more harmful and confusing to an abuse victim than just keeping your mouth shut.

 

I'd like to post Bancroft's complete list of things to NOT do or say, because it's especially good, but I'll have to check with admin. to see if that's ok.

[Miss M]

I just checked and found that book excerpt on the web...

link removed

 

If you'd really like to truly help an abused woman, please read it again and again. Or even better, read the whole book.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Thanx for the info Miss M, I'm making a close reading of it. There are some very good points made.

[Miss M]

I've not been hit, but I've been emotionally abused for most of my life. And I know the confusions of an abused person, and I know exactly why she can't leave.

 

As I was rereading those points about what not to do, I realized something else. Abusers hook their victims by being a sick combination of rescuer and abuser. They alternate between criticism and seduction. One minute they act like a life-saving nurturer, and then the next, they criticize and accuse. So if you try to help an abuse victim, and then you get fed up and switch to criticizing her, you're really doing the exact same thing. I know you can't know how it feels for her to have you switch in that way, but it's very similar to setting off a hypnotic trigger that the abuser has programmed in her. That's why she goes back to him. Any kind of harsh criticism is a powerful hypnotic trigger that makes her instinctively go to what is familiar, and that is the abuser. If the abuser criticizes her, she feels inexplicably drawn to him, and if you also criticize her, she will also go right back to him. It's just very difficult to explain the logistics to someone who hasn't actually been there. Her behavior is coming from a deep gut-level place that is difficult to describe or understand. But it's not really very different from others who self-harm or self-mutilate. She goes back to the abuser because she feels as if she HAS to.

 

This same thing has been called "The Stockholm Syndrome" (google it) and "The Betrayal Bond" (book) and "trauma bonding." And it's the same tactics used in prisoner of war camps, religious cults, on kidnap victims and hostages (e.g. Patty Hearst, etc).

 

So, instead of complaining, criticizing, or judging, get yourself educated about it so you can genuinely help someone.

 

Other relevant and useful books...

The Betrayal Bond - Patrick J. Carnes

The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Patricia Evans

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out - Patricia Evans

Controlling People - Patricia Evans

Emotional Blackmail - Susan Forward

[KweenofDenyl]

!!!

This is one of the best posts I've ever seen.

Miss M, that was awesome.

[DN]

The royal members, admins and moderators are currently developing a survey and discussion thread about why people stay in abusive relationships. It will be posted soon and I hope that people will take part who can offer useful insights such as those posted by MissM.

 

After the survey there will be a discussion - perhaps MissM would repost that on the thread when it is put up.

[Miss M]

Thanks CB, and KofD, for letting me know it helped.

 

And yes, DN... of course, I'd be very glad to help in any way I can.