shorty20 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 so... yesturday was my birthday. I text my guy in the morning because a couple friends and i had been talking about going to dinner, and I wanted to invite him. At first he said he needed to see what was going on, then he said he had plans with the guys... no big deal, he went to my family party last saturday, and my company party last saturday night, and I'm having a big party this saturday at my apartment, which he will be at, so I wasn't too upset that he wasn't coming. BUT, he totally even forgot it was my birthday! When I text him to see if he wanted to go to dinner for my birthday, he goes "OH yea, happy birthday."... then I told him I'd call him sometime last night.. which i did... twice... and he didn't answer. He did text me at 11:30 to say he hoped I had a good night and stuff.. but why wouldn't he answer? Then, today, my phone was shut off so I didn't get any of his texts or anything. I called him to tell him my phone was shut off and left him a message to call the office... which he did. I asked if he wanted to come watch movies with my roommate and her boyfriend, and he said "maybe".... it's almost like I feel like he's putting off stuff with me just to see if something better comes along... and he told my roommate that he likes me because of the way i treat him. I don't know if i'm taking that the wrong way, but I want him to like me for me, not for the way I make him feel. I don't know if that makes sense, or if i'm just being overly emotional right now... and I don't think he got me anythign for my birthday either.... I dont' know whether I should be mad about that or not... we aren't titled, but we are together, as in we only see eachother. I just kind of want to get an outside perspective on everything thats been going on. I dont' know if I shoudl be worried about his actions latley, or if I should just relax and not say anything at all. Thanks for any help in advance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 hrmmm.... big red flags to me. At least pink ones.... First, if you wanted him to be at your birthday, you should have just come straight out and said it. Like, "I want to see you at my birthday dinner." Instead, he decided to go hang out with his buddies (but I'm sure it wasn't any of their birthdays....) That sucks. He's your man, he should have gone to more effort than he did. And i understand what you mean about liking someone for how they treat you... that does suck. I was in the same situation when I was 20. I asked my then-bf why he liked me, and that's what he told me. I wanted to hear, "because you're special, because you're great at this...." instead, it was all about HIM. Listen to your gut.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 And i understand what you mean about liking someone for how they treat you... that does suck. I was in the same situation when I was 20. I asked my then-bf why he liked me, and that's what he told me. I wanted to hear, "because you're special, because you're great at this...." instead, it was all about HIM. Listen to your gut.... Almost as "fantastic" as the "I like you because.....you are a really good person/have a great heart" (guys...this is equal to the "you are a nice guy" comments by the way). Shorty, I agree with Annie, I think it was a bit strange he seemed so blase about your birthday. I can "get" him forgetting...sort of...it happens...though his "recovery" from it left much to be desired! I think it may show his priorities though. My boyfriend has a terrible memory...but he does NOT forget a birthday or any other important date. Why? Because it matters to him. If you feel like you are just being the "backup" plan, maybe your gut is telling you something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 I just don't know if I should really be MAD about all this stuff... because he did go to numerous other things, and the dinner was a last minute thing... I had origionally told him I was just going out with friends and that he should do his own thing.. and I don't know if I should even be mad about him not getting me a present.. or a card... or anything. he takes me out and pays all the time..so I don't know if I should even really expect anything from him, since he does stuff for me all the time, and since we aren't titled or anything... I dunno... i'm just a little confused i guess about what I should be feeling and whether i should be mad about all this stuff... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Shorty, you might be emotional from time to time but I think you are very smart, smart enough to see that you are not a priority to this guy. I'm not sure about most guys who are in a committed relationship but in my experience making plans works 180 degrees in the other direction. I put my relationship first and friends second, any friend who does not understand that or accept it is not my friend. He like's the way you treat him because he has freedom to do what he wants and can put you second to what ever he feels is more fun. Time to have a long talk with him. I don't see you putting up with this behavior much longer. Better tell him to check his calendar and make sure he saves some time for you on the 14th. If he would rather be with his buddies on Valentine's Day, maybe you have the wrong plumbing! RC PS An after though after reading your last post, maybe your relationship needs to be better defined with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 It does sound like he's avoiding commiting to plans, but like you said your not BF-GF so he may feel he has room to wander. As for the birthday thing, how long have you really been going out, he may just not remember or had not known. I forget my family and friends birthdays and I have to think twice when asked about my own. Its just not that big a deal to me. Believe me after a certain point its not goint to be big thing to you either. Something else I've noticed in a lot of posts with this expectation of nearly constant contact. The text messages and cell phone calls, I'm not sure I could stand that 'bugging'. There are people in this world who do work and are busy during the day. I'm a student so I'm usually working well into the night, with little free time which is mostly spent trying to find food. If my BF kept calling all the time, I wouldn't feel loved, I'd feel harassed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 here's the thing... MOST of the time, he makes more than enough time for me. I don't want the type of relationship where I see him every second, and I am consumed by it... and most of the time he goes above and beyond with sending me sweet texts... and sweet emails... and after talking to him, he didn't answer last night because he said he had alot of drama he was dealing with at home (some family issues) and that by the time he got a second it was pretty late, so he just text me before he went to bed. I understand what you're saying about how your relationship comes before your friends, but aren't you married? To me, IMO and my guys as well, friends always come first... until I have a ring on my finger. My logic in this is that guys come and go... and who picks me back up after a bad breakup?? my friends.... why would I put them on a back burner just because I'm in a relationship? Me and my guy both feel the same way about this... but I do see him quite a bit... usually 4-5 times a week. Maybe I'm just overly emotional and worrying too much? I dunno... but I don't necessarily want to sit down and have a "talk" with him yet, because up until the last day or two, I was completley happy with the way things were going... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 You two see each other 4-5 times a week, but you don't see him on your birthday???? Hmmm.... that in and of itself is a bad sign, IMO. Your bday is special, and that if you two normally hangs out so often, but suddenly has other stuff to do..... hmmm..... I don't like it one bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 If I saw my bf/exclusive partner or whatever you want to call it 4-5 times a week, I would hope one of those times would be my birthday...or we would bump it to 6 days that week. At least a more enthusiastic happy birthday wish would be appropriate. "oh yeah...happy birthday" by TEXT does not seem too....enthusiastic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I am not clear about two things. Was this a mutual decision that you not see each other on your birthday because of all the other 'official' celebrations - you said you were the one who told him to go out with his friends? Also - what do you mean 'not titled'? Is he your boyfriend or something less than that? It does seem to me that things are not well defined in this relationship - including birthday plans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 but I don't necessarily want to sit down and have a "talk" with him yet, because up until the last day or two, I was completley happy with the way things were going... I disagree - you've had quite a number of posts about some other issues you two have been having..... Like DN said, a number of these issues are centered around the undefined status. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Maybe I'm missing something, but it seems he is being a part of your birthday...he attended your family's party for you, he's attending your official party, and if your company party was also a birthday party for you...wow, you sure have a lot of parties for your birthday! Maybe he's thinking you don't actually make a big deal about the day your birthday actually falls on since none of these parties are on it. So, he probably doesn't feel it's a big deal and it's ok to make other plans. There's always the other possibility that he's trying to pysche you out because everyone is actually planning a surprise party for you on your birthday, I suppose...but don't expect anything or you'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen. I say it sounds like he honestly thinks you are considering the family party and next weekend's party as the main celebration events. And so is he. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Oh yeah, scout brings up a good point - with all the partying going on, he may have not seen the actual day as a big deal. Some people are like that. Still, you should try to communicate to him what you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I disagree - you've had quite a number of posts about some other issues you two have been having..... Like DN said, a number of these issues are centered around the undefined status. I agree with that. For me it's not so much that he did not SEE her that day if she told him to make other plans. But that he seemingly showed little effort in at least wishing her a happy birthday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Relationship Coach Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Shorty, Yes I am married but prior to that I still put her first. That does not mean that I put my friends on the back burner though. I am simply saying that if a buddy called me and said hey lets go to the UNLV basketball game tonight, I would call my SO and tell her that I was considering going to the game if she was OK with it and didn't have anything planned. Now, she does the same because we have an open line of communication. It was like this when we dated and has continued now that we are married. Just reading through many of your posts it seems that he has a habit of doing this to you often and it bothers you. Why are you afraid to sit down and talk to him? Things are going great? Perfect time to address it, why wait till you are fighting with him to bring it up, then it just gets lumped in to the argument with everything else. He wants a relationship with no strings attached, to do as he pleases and to spend time with you when "he" wants to. So he went to a couple parties or functions with you, did he meet his quota and is exempt from the next few? He should want to be with you not because he is fulfilling an obligation. Take a few steps back and look at how tall these trees really are. Reading back through many of your past posts involving other guys, you have a bad habit of making excuses for their behavior. You complain about them in a thread and then jump sides of the fence and defend them. Look at the pattern if you don't believe me. We all care about you and want you to be happy and treated like you deserve, but you have to want that too. RC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 you're right... we didn't define it well. Origionally, I was just going to be going to the bars with some girlfriends who are already 21. I just turned 21, and my guy won't be 21 until april, hence the reason he couldn't be at the bars with us. Dinner was a last minute thing, and not that big of a deal, since he did come to all the other things (ie. family birthday part, office party, and my big birthday party this weekend)... as far as what him and I are... well, we don't call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, but our friends all do... my roommate's always like "where's your boyfriend" and sometimes my guy will slip and say "oh i'm hanging out with my girlfriend"... I don't know why we're holding off on the title, because it is like we are in a relationship... I know that previously in relationships, every time the girlfriend word was mentioned, I immeadetly felt chains being wrapped around me (metaphorically or course) but I just didn't like the feeling that came with being someone's girlfriend (this was after I went through a 3.5 year relationship and then 6 months later got into another relationship that last over a year) now, titles just kind of scare me. I like to take things slow and just go with the flow. the only thing that is important to me is that he isn't seeing anyone else, and neither am I. That's mainly because if he's seeing more than one girl I don't want to be having sex with him (which we are)... hope that clarifies a few things... oh yea, and we've been "officially" dating for probably about a month.... way more history than that... we liked each other probably since march of last year, but certain people and circumstances prevented us from acting on those feelings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Hmmm - not only was it not defined well but he was actually not included because he couldn't go to the bars. Are you sure he was not hurt that you would make plans on your birthday that he could not attend and that may be part of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shorty20 Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 umm... not go to the bars on my 21st birthday??? I dont' think there was ever a question whether thats what I was doing....I dont' think it would be a good 21st birthday without going to the bars... and no I don't think he really cared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dax321 Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 If it smells like u know then it is! He's holding on obviously because there is something about u he is fond of, but it is also obvious he has something else going on(not saying he is cheating).. I am a guy and I have done the exact same thing.. He is not really motivated.. His comments are not good especially if u are his little honey bun who keeps him warm at night! That's no way to treat your girl! Shouldn't expect him to jump over a bridge, but being motivated for dinner should be natural!-- I would suck it up and cut your loss. It's natural to hurt more from where u are standing, but u will save yourself misery later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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