broke NC this past tuesday

[deejay74]

first of all, i really would like to thank everyone who's offered me advice and answered my posts. i took most of everyone's advice and maintained NC for almost a month. however, this whole time i felt a nagging desire to contact my ex to get some things off my chest, some things i wasn't able to say during the break up, and to get some clarification on her part.

 

i had to think very hard about what i was going to do and i felt that i had to make a decision for myself, otherwise i would never learn to make choices for myself in the future. while i think NC is a very good choice, everyone's situation is slightly different and only you can really know what's good for you. but again, everyone on here has offered valuable lessons and advice and i am sorry if some of you feel betrayed. it's not my intention to post on her to say "ahh ha, you all were wrong". i am posting my experience for others who may be in a similar situation.

 

i spoke to my therapist and she basically told me i need to think for myself and you can't put a cookie cutter template on every situation. she said there is no specific time frame in when you should decide to do whatever it is you think you have to do.

 

i am also not going to repost my break up situation. you can search for my previous posts.

 

so, here's what happened: monday night i thought of a plan to return some items back to my ex. i thought it would be better to return them to her than to throw them away. yes, part of the reason to return them was to see her as well. i called her on tuesday morning after my therapy session, which was aroound 11:30am. i had woken her up and so she sounded a little annoyed - understandable. i told her i had some items that i'd like to return and asked if she was working late. she said she was and asked what the items were. i told her and at first she said "oh, i don't really care about those" but said i can stop by anyway.

 

after work, i went to her work and i was very, very nervous. i took the elevator up one flight to her floor and when i got out there were a lot of people around her. i sat on a bench and she came around and we chit chatted. i stayed seated b/c i was so nervous but i tried my hardest to look confident and positive. i asked her how she's been and she said she was doing well and asked me how i've been. i said i was very well, i was keeping busy, etc. etc. but i'm not sure how confident i was. so i gave her her stuff back and she returned some of my stuff. she went back over and sat down behind her desk (she was busy) and i said "alright then, it was good seeing you. take it easy - bye" and she said bye. i went down the elevator but felt like i wasn't finished. there was this overwhelming gut feeling of mine to go back up. so i did. when i got off i said, "listen, that's not everything. i really want to talk to you". she said "ok, when do you want to talk"? i asked when she wasn't busy. she checked her calendar and then i asked, "are you busy tonight". she said "no, you can call me tonight" and i said alright.

 

so i go home and she calls me. let me just preface this by saying it is/was not my intention to get her to come back to me. i know she doesn't want to as she made it clear to me. i started off my telling her how the break up left me feeling. i told her it made me feel like i wasn't worth her time or effort and she apologized for making me feel that way. since she told me she broke up with me because it was her and not me, i said there are 2 people in the relationship and i know i must've done something to contribute to the situation and i'd like to know so i don't make the same mistakes in the future. she said "you know my issues with you but that's not why i broke up with you". she reiterated it was because she just wants to focus on herself, school, and her goals. i asked once again if she broke up with me because of someone else, or if she was seeing someone else, or dating, etc. she said no, and also said "i really don't want to get involved with anyone right now while i am school and especially before i go away to london". i really believe her and i know her, she wouldn't lie about this.

 

i then told her how i felt about her: that i still love her, that i still care about her, and that part of me is still in love with her. i asked her a couple of questions so that i know our relationship actually meant something to her. i asked if she still cared about me and she said "you know the answer to that question" and then i asked if she missed me at all. she said "i am not going to answer that question". when i asked why, she said "to be honest, i just been doing girly things for myself and i haven't even had time to think about it." so i left it at that.

 

we also talked about us being friends and she said she's cool with that but doesn't want any awkwardness and i told her i understood. she encouraged me to date other girls and i told her that i will in time but i wasn't comfortable if she started talking about other guys if she does start to date. i asked her if she would feel weird if i started to talk about other girls i am dating and she said she didn't know.

 

[EDIT] - many of you know i was wondering why my ex hadn't contacted me during the time i was instituting NC. i asked her about it and she said she thought that's what i wanted. It was a misunderstanding. When she called me on new years i told her i didn't want to see her right away and didn't know when i would be able to. she thought that meant contact as well. so now i know why she didn't call me. just thought i'd put that out there.

 

we chatted about other things not pertaining to our relationship and at the end i told her i took a big risk by telling her all these things and that the last thing i wanted to do was to push her away or to lose any respect from her. at the end i asked if we, and everything, were cool and she said yes.

 

i know what many of you on here are going to say. you probably will say i shouldn't have done it and now i look weak and pathetic to her. maybe yes, but i don't think so. i did this for me, not for her.

 

did i blow all chances with her in the future? who knows, the way she sounded it doesn't seem like she wants me anyway (or anyone for that matter).

 

i feel better that i got that off my chest and maybe she wasn't being completely honest with all of my questions but i am not going to go back and analyze all her answers and the details in her answers. i do think she was telling the truth.

 

yes, i am still sad and i still miss her and i knew i would. but now, i am going back to NC as i don't really have anything else to say. if she wants to contact me she will. she knows she can contact me if she wants. i really think we can be friends in the future, perhaps it's a little too soon for me.

 

the only negative side effects of what i did is i am a little surprised that she's already moved on and it seems like she has no more romantic feelings for me anymore. again, i don't expect her to come back to me but she didn't break up with me because she didn't like me. but, as some people on here have said before, the dumper usually has a head start on these things so i am probably a month behind her in the recovery process.

 

so again, thanks to everyone on here who's offered me advice. i took it for the most part but came to a point where i had to make a decision for myself.

 

i am open to any comments to my situation and i sincerely hope i have not upset anyone.

 

btw, i am still healing and still trying to move on. this certainly has helped a bit, but it's not over for me yet. i am sure i'll be back on here sometime soon. who know's what the future may bring?

[NR498E]

I don't think there is anything wrong with breaking the no contact rule as long as you are prepared for what may or may not happen.What your therapist said aboout every situation being diffrent is so true.There isnt a set way to handel every relationship.I think what you did took alot of courage.You went in there with no expectaions and kept your cool.I'd say that you stay away from her from here on out and if she wants to talk she can call you.Otherwise you got the clousre you were looking for and now it's time to move on.Easier said than done I know.

I think you should bear in mind that the reasons she gave you are a cookie cutter responses.Everybody says "i want time to myself' and "its not you its me".I would just ignore those kinds of answers get them out of your head there totaly bogus.Learn what you can learn from all this and better yourself.

I really suggest taking time to yourself.I have a good friend who is going through a divorce and its almost like a race now between him and his ex as to who can move on the fastest.Thats not healthy at all.He's just prolonging the healing process.After my breakup I didnt do much for about four months.My mother told me its alot like the old Hair and Tortuse story,slow and steady will win in the long run.What your going through is one of the hardest things that anyone can go through.

I took alot of time to refelect and learn all I could from my expeiance and those lessons I have learned Im more than happy to share.My torture and heartbreak won't go in vain.So please heed my advice and just take care of yourself.

[deejay74]

I think you should bear in mind that the reasons she gave you are a cookie cutter responses.Everybody says "i want time to myself' and "its not you its me".I would just ignore those kinds of answers get them out of your head there totaly bogus.

 

thanks so much for your input and opinion, i appreciate it.

 

in reference to your comment above, yes it does sound like a "cookie cutter respose" and that's why i had to get clarification on it. just to give you some background on my ex: she's 26 and came from a rather poor family. she's the first one in her family to go to college. after high school, she kind of drifted and wasn't focused for several years. in the past 2 years of her life, she's changed and is very focused on herself. unfortunately for me, it's bad timing. my sister was a lot like her and i have confided in my sister a lot with this issue. my sis is 34 and is just now getting focused on herself and her life. she's got 3 kids. my sister told me she has so much respect for my ex for realizing at her age that she needs to focus on herself and her goals. my sis said that had she done the same thing when she was my ex's age, she would be in a completely different place than where she is now. so i can completely see where she's coming from. it is a selfish thing to do, but at this point in her life she needs to do this. not really defending my ex, just giving you a better picture.

 

even though my ex said it was her and not me, i know deep down i could've handled myself better. i do have low self esteem and i am insecure, my ex knew it, and even though she said that's not why she broke up with me i do feel some responisibilty for my insecurities getting the best of me. this is one of the lessons i am taking away from this.

 

thanks again for your input.

[curlygirl47]

I believe my insecurities precipitated my breakup, as well. Though I proclaimed often that my ex was not obligated to me in any way unless his heart obligated him --- because any other kind of obligation ruins a relationship ---- and that I didn't have any expectations about our future (we had only been together for 4 months), those were of course bogus statements; I was just trying to be noble. I said them because I thought his heart did obligate him to me, and I thought he had similar expectations about our future. Anyway, I think he saw right through me. I said these things because he had hurt me on Christmas Eve by suddenly noting his need to "spend time with his son," which implied he wanted me to leave. I couldn't believe it. I did leave, and I pulled back from him emotionally for a few days, and when he asked why, I told him. It was at that time that I made the above statements, and it was right after that that he stopped making any true investment in the relationship, and I finally confirmed the breakup because he just wasn't calling me for days at a time. I know it's too late to dwell on what I did or didn't do, and he says I didn't do anything, so I have to try to let it go but learn something about myself. Go slower, for instance, and hold off on the expectations. Maybe?

[NR498E]

You know thats one thing I took away from my relationship.I got to comfortable and exposed my insecurities.I think that was one of my biggest mistakes.

[Setter5]

You know what, I agree. Sometimes we need answers or some absolute thought or memory to hold onto...so you did what you did.

 

You got things off of your chest. You tried something. You now realize where you are at with this.

 

Notice how I keep using the word "you" in these sentences. That's because you decided to approach this for you. That's gotta be a good thing.

 

One thing that stood out in your post. She claims she is doing girly things, staying busy, etc. Fine. Let her.

 

Andy, you mentioned how the dumper usually has a head start on the healing process. I disagree in most cases dude.

 

What I think really happens is that the dumper doesn't even attempt to handle the emotional loss for some time, often for a long time.

 

We'll laugh if in time, when she finally does realize what she had and what she threw away. You have the head start. You are dealing with this now.

 

So if she ever confronts you in future or distant future, my guess is that you will be in a different place and it won't matter. Sure you might think. But you will probably chaulk this up a timing thing. Or simply someone who did not use their heart and head together at the same time.

 

Either way, the other day you put it all out on the table. For you.

 

Keep it up!

[deejay74]

i am completely surprised about an emotion i am feeling today and i can't even explain why.

 

i am feeling embarrassed (among the other emotions that i've been feeling all along).

 

i am embarrassed that i am still thinking about the break up, that i am still sad, that sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night b/c i miss my ex, that i worry about what my ex thinks, etc., and i am now a little embarrassed about what i said to my ex on tuesday - well, what's done is done.

 

maybe this is part of my insecurity, i don't know but i didn't expect to feel this way.

 

last night we had an event at work in which we were all drinking. well, they played this one song by the Postal Service that my ex and i listened to when we went to New Orleans (to visit her family) and i almost lost it. that trip we took was a milestone (at the time) in our relationship. i know the alchohol made it worse but my eyes watered up and i got embarrassed by that! why does a song that reminds you of an ex always come on at the worst time?

[curlygirl47]

The comments about the dumper not realizing or allowing himself/herself to accept the significance of the loss and of his own guilt are so true. Though I always regretted hurting my husband the way I did, my feelings of remorse and the memory of his pain become more evident to me with every year --- and the memories of how good and sweet he was and of how he loved me. How he stood at the end of our bed, in the middle of our divorce, when I was in many ways unlovable, and said, "I would never have believed I could love anybody the way I love you." It's in my head, and I won't forget it. So for all of you dumpees (including myself right now), your ex will probably suffer his own pain eventually, even if you never know it.

[Setter5]

iwantherback,

 

i understand the song thing. postal service of all things. i know ben and DCFC very well. i shared those songs with my ex as well. in fact, we both connected with music interests so much, I actually introduced her to some DCFC (and Ryan Adams, Wilco, etc)

 

So when I hear this stuff I get all messed up. That was until something clicked. The songs, the memories, and other stuff - I realized that they were mine too.

 

A good example is Ryan Adams - which most of his stuff is incredible and about love lost, letting go, etc. It felt good to share it. But afterwards, it tore me apart.

 

Until I forced myself to take back control of what makes me- me! And it didn't hurt that he came out with a new album that I didn't have to share with my ex anymore.

 

But it fades. You will rock out to some of those songs in time, probably never give a thought to your ex. Or maybe, share them with someone BETTER.

 

Then you will give us an update and your new username will "youcanhaveher."

 

Good luck iwantherback!

[NR498E]

he stood at the end of our bed, in the middle of our divorce, when I was in many ways unlovable, and said, "I would never have believed I could love anybody the way I love you." It's in my head, and I won't forget it.

 

I said that exact same thing to my girlfriend at the end.The exact same thing.That really made me feel good.I didnt think she really listened to what I was saying.Now maybe, just maybe I can think she will remember that.

[deejay74]

iwantherback,

 

i understand the song thing. postal service of all things. i know ben and DCFC very well. i shared those songs with my ex as well. in fact, we both connected with music interests so much, I actually introduced her to some DCFC (and Ryan Adams, Wilco, etc)

 

So when I hear this stuff I get all messed up. That was until something clicked. The songs, the memories, and other stuff - I realized that they were mine too.

 

A good example is Ryan Adams - which most of his stuff is incredible and about love lost, letting go, etc. It felt good to share it. But afterwards, it tore me apart.

 

yeah, the song i am specifically talking about from the Postal Service is "Such Great Heights" - just thinking about the song hurts.

 

But it fades. You will rock out to some of those songs in time, probably never give a thought to your ex. Or maybe, share them with someone BETTER.

 

Then you will give us an update and your new username will "youcanhaveher."

 

Good luck iwantherback!

 

thanks, and i hope you're right.

 

[edit] - reposting in a new thread about being afraid to let go