Pain and Hope: For all who hurt

[ShySoul]

In our lives we all experience pain. We all hurt. At times the hurt is unbearable and we feel we can't go on. There seems like there is nothing left for us. Everyday is a struggle. For all those who feel this way, I want you to know there is hope.

 

I hate speaking about myself. I feel like my calling and purpose is to help others. So I am not one to talk about myself. I am one to take on others pain and not unload my stuff on them, because I would rather hurt then see another hurting. That is why in over 4400 posts I've never asked for help for what I am feeling. And I'm still not. But there comes a time when you have to let things out. And now is that time for me. But I want to make clear, the post isn't about me, I'm just one example of the way so many of us feels. What I hope is that people the struggle I've been through, and see that no matter how hard it is or how down you feel, you can fight it, you can overcome it.

 

To put it simply, my life is hell. It has always been hell as far back as I can remember (and longer). And I doubt it will ever be anything but hell. Everyday I am racked with an intense sorrow, a pain that dwells deep inside from everything I have experienced. An emptiness exist, a longing for something that has never existed in me... a sense of genuine love and understanding.

 

I have always been different. I didn't think the same way or carry the same interest as most, even when I was young. I always felt the emptiness. Yes, I am shy and quiet. But that wasn't the issue. Despite that I have always managed to be acquanitances and liked by nearly everyone. But I have never really had friends. Even the people who most would consider friends, were not close. There was never a sense they really knew me or that I could trust them with things. That pattern continues to this day. I am there for everyone, I make myself available. But still, nothing. When I reach out to people, either it is ignored or I get put down for simple being me and trying to do the right thing.

 

I never really cared though. Family was more important to me. But what family? The alcoholic father who if he wasn't at a bar, was yelling or passed out? Who would buy me things, but who wouldn't give me the one thing I needed, simply to spend time with him? Who has called me crazy and told me I'm evil? Who has told others lies about me and painted me into a villian so as to not have to face his own problems and guilt? Or maybe the depressed mother who spends so much time feelings sorry for herself instead of working through things and taking the steps needed to fix her life? The woman who has gone through being abandoned by one guy, physically abused by another, emotionally hurt by another, and taken advantage of by still others? Who if you try to say something that contradicts her, turns it into how you are wrong, how it hurts her, and how miserable she is? Or who will not say it, but quitely let you know how hurt she feels, which makes you feel worse. Maybe I should turn to the brother who for years was addicted to drugs causing problem after problem? Who lied and stole from us, including his own kid brother, and caused me to wake up at 2 in the morning to hear him and my parents yelling. The guy who know prefers to bury everything inside and not even speak to me. Who went 7 months without talking to me, and only called when he gets the news that hes going to be a dad. Or maybe the other brother, the only sane one who I idolized as a kid, but who now I'm lucky to hear from once a year.

 

If I wanted to dig into the hell I've been through with other relatives, we would be here all day. So basically, I have no family.

 

For years I walked through life going through the motions. I hated getting up in the morning. Everywhere I turned there was pain. Two things turned things around. First, I found this site. It gave me hope there was still good people in the world. The site was more then a site, it was a refuge. The slogan, you are not alone, it wasn't just words. It was the first time in years I actually felt I wasn't alone. And I could do what I love doing, what makes me feel the best.... helping others. But even that sun gets covered by clouds. I speak my mind, say what I believe. I reach out to help others in the best way I know how. But for that I get challenged and put down. I get consistently told that I don't know what I am talking about and that I shouldn't be giving advice. It hurts. And I feel I am alone again, left to fend off a barage of people seemingly intent on bringing me down when all I want is to use my experiences and what I know to help people. They say I know nothing of love. But when you've never had real love, it makes you appreciate it that much more. I did not need to be called names, I did not need to be told I was wrong about everything. And at the same time this was happening, my life was crumbling in another way.

 

A year ago I met someone who was a light in my darkness. For the first time in years, I wasn't empty. I could see a beautiful day again. I had hopes and dreams that actually seemed possible. It scared me, but I fought through it and took a chance. I put my self on the line, everything I am. And despite her loving me, depsite what was there, she runs. She does it in a way that is just cruel. I had little left to hang onto, and I placed it in her hands. Now I'm just empty again. Cold and with nothing left. Love killed me. She killed me.

 

So here I am, empty and dead. For years I have spent countless nights alone, crying. The days are long and dark. I can't kill myself, because really there would be no point. Nothing would change. Most likely it would just give those I care about a reason to get worse. I don't feel loved (save for one person who is a saint beyond words and who I feel horrible for unloading it all on). Seeing a doctor or shrink or someone won't help, nor will pills. The only thing that will help is to feel that people actually care.

 

But through all this, there is hope. There is hope for me, as there is hope for everyone no matter the pain. You can't let the hurt destroy your spirit. Even if I feel alone and miserable 99% of the time, there is still 1% good. I still stick to what I believe and what is in my heart and soul. I am still there for everyone, I still love everyone. People can hurt me. They can twist around what I say. They can take cheap shots at me. They can deny me things I am due. They can see me however they want. But in the end I know I am a good person. Just as we are all good people. I will continue to be who I am. I will continue to dedicate my life to helping others. And if they see what is in my heart, if they reach out to me, that is great. If not, at least I am staying true to myself and fighting the darkness with a light of my own. Because if nothing that we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. And because the only way darkness can win, depression can win, is if we let it.

 

So stay strong. Realize you are all great people. You are not alone in your struggles. We are all united together, united as people. And one day, things will turn around for us. You just have to believe.

[kickedin]

thanks i needed to read some inspirational stuff

[Dako]

Shysoul,

 

Your post almost brought tears to my eyes and the similarities with my experiences at your age struck a nerve. You seem to have healthier coping skills than I did.

My family was a mess, but today I joke about them since I cut the cord in many ways. The stories I could tell! I managed to get away from feeling burdened by them. I managed to accomplish a few things that helped build a smidgen of self-respect and met a wonderful woman who eventually left me. Oh well... Life is full of surprises that you really will enjoy. Please don't think I'm patronizing you because of my age. I remember how tedious old poops used to lecture me.

 

You'll have joy in your life. How do I know?

You're a bright, sincere guy who has a good head on his shoulders.

I've been moved by your posts, but to be honest, this one brings you to life in my eyes.

 

Thanks for opening up and sharing yourself.

I'm impressed!

[RayKay]

Hey ShySoul,

 

I am sorry to hear you have been through so much. Not to take away from your experiences in any way, but I think you would be surprised by how many really HAVE been in such similar situations, and like you, generally keep pretty quiet about it. It's one of those ways people cope, by using their pains and experiences to help others...when they could not help themselves.

 

There are some "lucky" people in the world whom go through life relatively free from pain and sorrow, but the truth is, their life is only then half lived. Sorrow it is part of the human experience, it is what lends depth to that glass of life. It makes us unique, it gives us compassion. Empathy is a learned trait - some take a lot longer to learn it then others, and some of us learn it much before we ever should have.

 

In each person we see there is a story - even in your father, and your mother, there are stories behind their behaviours, behind their personalities. I have known many like them, whom are scared to truly live within themselves, or whom really have lost the knowledge of HOW to live.

 

I am sorry you feel you are anatagonized and picked on. I know you and I have disagreed in the past, many times...., however I am not meaning to attack your spirit, or whom you are a person. You can respect someone, and still not agree with them. Not everyone can agree with everyone's views, that is the way life is, it is the way humans are....both fortunate and unfortunate...but it's part of the human experience so to speak. I think some of us, at least me, whom has disagreed with some of your views were disagreeing not with them persay, but rather because the way they were presented. There was one instance in particular where there were some comments about how some of us other members had no idea the greatness of love in our own experiences, with our own partners, as compared to how you imagined it to be....which for me at least, is terribly untrue, and an inaccurate judgement on my sense of love, my depth of experiences, my relationship. Your idea of love may be different then mine, but my reality is something enriching, amazing, and not something I would trade for anything.

 

I think it is also a case, sometimes there are "objections" because many of the posters have been where you are, and wish to save you some of the hurt that some of your beliefs seem to be leading you to. Perhaps not, perhaps you are indeed a rare case where they don't, and I hope you are, however you cannot blame people for speaking from their experiences as well.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and let you know, life holds amazing things in store, sometimes it takes time, but when you are a good person, ultimately good things do happen. Keep the faith.

[mgirl]

ShySoul,

 

I have found your advice to be helpful and think that you are an intelligent, objective and fair-minded person, and that counts for a lot in my books!

 

 

Don't let the turkeys get you down[-X

[romanticlover]

ShySoul, you have given me some great advice by replying to some of my posts and that says a lot about you. Many people here just view posts and do not take the time to reply to them. The fact that you take the time from your life to actually read other people's problems says alot about you. Honestly you would make a great therapist if that's not what you are doing already. Unfortunately we take on our own sorrows at times and we control our emotions. It's not easy to see something hurt you then turn into happy mode. But like many say, we control our own emotions. I wish I could be stronger myself. If you have been following my posts, I have been struggling with my current girlfriend. Our sex life has faded, she is a bit controlling, not nearly as giving or emotional as me, honestly probably not the best person to be with, yet I still stick in there cause my heart says so. I still hold on to that spark of hope that things will work out in the end. I also look at the positive I see in her and me. I will admit it is hard at times and I get very upset and feel like my life is going nowhere, career, and relationships, and I don't look at the positive enough and that brings me down also. It's easier to look at the bad than the good for me. Just keep holding on and focusing on the positive qualities you have and knowing that you have helped myself and many others here. All those posts you have made = help for someone in need including myself. Be strong my friend as we are there with you also.

[Mun]

Honey, if you knew everything I've been through in my life and all the things I still have to deal with day by day you would be crying for me. For me!!!

 

I don't want to get into a sordid tale of my life, what for? but I'll have you know that how you face your situation and what attitude you take to it will determine the outcome...whether it will knock you down and leave you crying or make you stronger. That's the power you have--your attitude.

 

I could whine all day long about how sucky things turned out for me but that won't change my circumstances...and I bet no one would want to be around me if I did that-- so take note.

 

Instead I choose to be positive and just deal with it ! That's what I'm made of.

 

What are you made of?

[Alabama]

Keep it up Shy. I am sure you have been great inspiration for many people here. You have remained strong and by still being here, even after all you've gone through, your still going strong. So never give up. As you have stated, there is always hope. So always believe. You'll find the happiness you seek. I am sure of it.

[Hope75]

Ditto here. I feel fortunate to still have my life after all I have been through, and having it almost taken from me at the hands of someone I loved.

 

I think a story of heartbreak, family or love trauma, or incredible strength is something that brought most of us here. We all want to give something back, to help others as we are grateful to still be here, still be feeling, still be alive.

 

You will get through this too. Mun is right, everything we go through becomes a part of what shapes us, what forms our strength and resiliance, our attitude about life and what we want from it and what we want to give to others as part of it.

 

Take this and learn from it. Believe in your strength and charactor.

[lunatic]

I only have to say one thing to you Shy and that is:

 

What does not kill us only makes us stronger.

 

BTW we all are going thru our own personal hell and if you knew what I am going thru right now and how screwed over by my ex you would be crying for me too. Everyone has heartache and I agree with Mun that it is what you make of it that determines the outcome most of the time.

[ShySoul]

kickedin - Thank you. Glad my words could help you out.

 

Dako - Thank you, you didn't sound patronizing. Problem I've always had is that the rest of the family has cut the chord so to speak, and really they seem just as miserable as ever. And I know that even if I did the same, they would be in my heart and I would still think and worry about them. I'm not someone who can just stand aside and watch when I know they are hurting. So its like I'm torn, say nothing and watch things get worse. Or say something and not be heard. Sigh. I know things get better, just wonder when.

 

mgirl - Thanks. You seem like a fair, reasonable, and intelligent person as well. If you ever need anything, I'm here.

 

RayKay - I understand that people are in the same position as me. I am amazed at times when I read post after post and say to myself, I know just how the person feels. And for the things that I haven't been through, I can often extropolate their feelings and its like I've been through it to. When someone else hurts, I hurt. I try to encourage all to speak out, and think that if they just did then much could be different.

 

I'm glad you mentioned the thing about knowing what love is like. I think that most of the time when I say something like that, it is misinterpreted into something I had no intention of saying. However, if you or someone else had just said you disagreed with me, I would have clarified. Instead nothing was said to me. If I don't know what you are thinking, how can I know I did something wrong? It's a matter of cooperation and communicating. If people have a problem with what I say or how I say it, tell me. But if you don't, then I am not even aware and will continue to say what I think and feel. You will continue to be offended, even when its a simple misunderstanding.

 

What I was getting at was not that anyone's love is greater then another. Doesn't everyone believe there love to be the greatest love of all? No, what I was saying is that I value love to a degree and in a way that few can understand, because they haven't walked in the same shoes. Most people will be able to say they grew up with someone who really loved them. Most people can say they've had relationships and friendships and have experienced some form of healthy love. I never have. When you've never had it, and yet it is the only thing you have ever looked for, you attach a special value to it that others don't. That isn't because they don't value love, its because they haven't experienced the same deprivation of love.

 

It's like when we sit down for dinner and have a loaf of bread or a glass of water. We think nothing of it. We still appreciate and value it. But we don't think of it as much. But in a third world country without fresh water and where they don't have much to eat, everything they get is treated as special and is valued more. So while others value love and its a great thing at all times, in my case the love I ultimately find will mean just a bit extra, because I've been starving for so long without any love at all.

 

I've also stated on numerous occasions that everyone is free to say whatever they want. I've never criticized a person's right to say something, I've always encouraged others to say whatever is on their mind. On this site, everyone is equal and everyone may speak there mind.

 

As for others wanted to save me from hurt, that would make sense if I was hurting when I wrote it. Thing is, I got the same criticisms even when I was presenting proof that everything I said was working for me and for countless people I know. I'd get it even after I gave the people compliments. Sometimes I think my and others success with what I say reminded them of what they wish they had, of what they've been through in the past and they took out their frustrations and self doubts about it on me. If you want to help me, ok. But they way to go about it is not to be critical of me and say I'm wrong for what I'm saying or to tell me I have no right to say it.

[ShySoul]

Sheyda - Your words moved me to tears. I've always enjoyed reading your posts, feel like you understand a lot of the things that I do. I was hoping you'd respond to my post.

 

I know that there are people out there affected by what I say and do. Just at times hard to see it. I give so much of myself and I'm always there for others. Yet when I need someone, can't seem to find anyone around.

 

I've found one friend, though I often worry about burdening him with my troubles. We are almost identical in out personalities, so it takes us time to share a lot of things with each other. And I have been blessed beyond anything I have known with another person who has been a lifesaver. If not for her, I wouldn't have survived the last few months.

 

I'm also sorry for all you have been through. I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

Thing with my girl, I could tell she did love me. I don't think it was placing her on a pedestal, I could see her faults and acknowldeged them. We did have something, but her past experiences caused her to run away, and she did it rather coldly. She was so afraid of being hurt again, that she turned around and did the same thing to me first. And given all I've been through, starting something with her was putting my already fragile heart on the line. It shattered me and destroyed the little bit of hope I still had left in me. Even if someone else came along, do I have anything left to give?

 

Alabama - Thanks. Though I doubt I will ever truly be happy. As long as there is someone hurting in the world, I can't be completely happy. So is my heart.

 

hubman01 - What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. But what if you are already dead? Not death of the flesh, but death of the soul? What if everyday is empty, cold, dark? What if you've been the rock and held everything up for so long, only to have more and more piled on top of you that you can't hold it anymore and are crushed underneath?

 

And the thing is, I do cry for you. I open the door for everyone, I sympathise and emphasise with everyone, always willing to help. But it always becomes about everyone else. It's always the problems they go through. Even when I've gone to people for help, people who are suppose to love me or who are suppose to be there to help because thats part of there job and title... I still either get told that I'm wrong, that there is no problem, or get blamed for things and have everything get turned around about what they go through.

 

 

Mun - Again, I do cry for everyone who has hurt. And there in is the problem. My heart is always reaching for others. I can't change that, thats just who I am. And I don't think thats anything that should be changed. I see the hurt in people. But often that hurt gets lashed out at me, when I do nothing. Or my words get twisted around into what I don't mean, because people's own personal bias taints their viewpoint. I end up on the negative side of things without having to do a thing. Yet I stay as polite as possible and am still there for others. All I want to know is people are there for me.

 

I don't whine. I take it in stride. And I use it to motivate and help others. Doesn't matter though. Still keeps piling on top of me, no matter what I do or how strong I am. I deal with it and I motivate myself to show myself I am better then all of that. But at what point is it enough? How many years can you deal with it, every single second? How much pain can one soul endure? When all you've ever cared about is doing whats right and helping others, and all you've ever known in return is being hurt and alone, there comes a time when the strongest of us breaks. I don't need much to keep going. But even that is rare.

 

Thing is, check out 99.999% of my posts. You'll see nothing but optimism. So I believe. I have hope. I have to. Otherwise I'd be dead in body as well. That fact I can do that shocks me. Yet, there is still emptiness, and all the optimism in the world doesn't fix that.

[melrich]

If people have a problem with what I say or how I say it, tell me.

 

Shy, I told you this nearly 18 months ago in a PM. If only you had been prepared to contemplate what was being advised.

 

I too am sorry you have had a tough time.

[ShySoul]

Shy, I told you this nearly 18 months ago in a PM. If only you had been prepared to contemplate what was being advised.

 

I do not recall recieving any PM from you 18 months ago. And in case you did and I have forgotten, one letter a year and a half ago is good.... a year and a half ago. You can not expect to tell people something once and then never say anything to them again. People should be talked to and regularly, made each day to feel like they are important and that what they are saying is being heard. That's just good people skills.

 

Every day new situations will raise up. Things will happen. The way to handle things is to work with the person as things come up.

 

I post on my problems. This is something that is hard for me to do. I say that I feel like killing myself and that I don't feel like there is anyone in this world who loves or understands me. I open myself up, make myself feel even more vulnerable then I already am. I expect to hear words of encouragement and support, because that is what the people on this site is suppose to be there for. And yet, I get told that other people feel like they are going through hell and get told how I am doing things wrongs. I admit I am not perfect and have made mistakes. As has everyone. And I am sorry. But the mistakes that I have made does not equate to the hurt and agony I have been forced to feel in my life. The good that I do far outweights anything negative. And yet, no one ever sees it.

 

So, I just had someone tell me to die. Yes, a neighbor who I don't even talk to. In the past few days I have gone out of my way to help someone who turned around to make me feel bad. I made a contribution to something and then was completely overlooked. I manage to upset the only person who really cares anything about me. And I get told to die. So, can anyone find the silver lining here?

[lunatic]

Hey Shy if your so dead inside why don't you seek professional help? Maybe get to the root of your problem so you can grow from it. Learning from oneself is a tough lesson to learn as we all can give advice but, have a hard time following it. Sometimes things are staring us dead in the face and we cannot see it because we are so blinded by other things our lives come accross.

[ShySoul]

Because I know the issues and I know what I need to feel better. Said it in my original post:

 

Seeing a doctor or shrink or someone won't help, nor will pills. The only thing that will help is to feel that people actually care.

 

I know precisely what I need to do. I know precisely where the problem lies. And I know precisely what I need to have happen in order to feel better. A professional doesn't know me nor knows what's inside me. They are people who believe that a degree gives them more knowledge and insight then most. But really, the degree signifies nothing, its about who the person is and understanding them.

 

I tagged along once with my brother to the person he was seeing. I played along and listend to what the guy had to say. Either it was obvious and I already knew it, or it was some catch all answer that doesn't address the issue at hand, the actually people involved. I learned nothing from going there that I didn't already know. And it helped nothing. My brother has seen a few people like that, and yet he still carries in him all the emotional baggage and turmoil and is just as likely to let it out. Only difference is he now has less faith in himself.

 

What I need isn't much. It is to simple know that I am loved, understood, and appreciated. A professional who is a complete stranger can't give me that. The ones who it needs to come from are the ones who know me and who see what I am about. Something simple like Sheyda's post to me earlier, that is what I need to hear. That is what keeps me going. Knowing that there is someone who can relate to how I feel and someone who acknowledges who I am inside. That's what motivates me. That is why I am still alive physically. Because I see that I make a difference to others and that what I do isn't completely ignored, even if its ignored by most.

 

PS. I see the root of the problem. And I have tried to address it. But everytime I do, it doesn't do anything. If part of the problem is not feeling understood or loved.... I can't solve that on my own because I already understand and love myself. I can't always give myself appreciation. So I need it from others. But when it never comes from people? What am I do to then? When I express my feelings, and the response I get in return is, nothing's wrong, or look at everything you do wrong, or well what about everything I go through? Instead of receiving the support and love I need, I get treated even worse or ignored.

[ShySoul]

romanticlover -

 

Thank you for your words. I responded to what everyone else had said, but somehow overlooked you. Sorry for that. Your post was precisely what I needed to hear. I am glad that I've helped you before and I'm sorry for the rough time you are having. I've been busy lately so I haven't followed your posts recently. But if I can I'll take a look and see if I can help.

 

You cheered me up some. Thanks and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.

[Mun]

You might try boosting how you feel about yourself and getting the recognition you want by volunteering your time to those less fortunate. I have been with my son in hospitals where I have seen children suffering from terminal illnesses who have a friendly face to come spend a little time with them, read them a story, change their entire day.

 

Sometimes in our daily living and with all the things we believe to be suffering with we forget that there are others who have much less, and desire much less to just get them through the day. What better than to give of yourself to someone who will truly appreciate it, what you get back from them has no price on earth.

[ShySoul]

Mun,

 

I've volunteered every chance I could. I was the community service officer for my club in college. And each and every time I did, I knew I was making a difference. Yet at the end of the day, I still had to return back to the same empty feelings and life. Same people who don't understand a thing about me. Some people who barely even showed interest in what I was doing, something I was passionate about. I still had the same problem of people twisting my words or attacking me for daring to speak out on something. I still had the efforts and things I do get ignored. I don't want a medal, I just want to know I'm appreciated and not punished.

 

Volunteering is great. But it doesn't address the root of the issue. Only way to deal with something is to address what is causing it. Thing is, I know what is causing. I know how to fix it. I just don't get any cooperation and the efforts I make get tossed aside.

 

You know, its funny. You say I need to boost how I feel about myself. I get told I need to work on having confidence in myself. Yet at the same time, I get told I am too confident. So which is it? No matter what I do, theres no winning. Hence I adopt the attitude, it doesn't matter what others think. You can love me. You can hate me. All I ask is you respect me. I respect others. Yet, I don't get that respect. I get put down. I get used. I get criticized for no reason. I get overlooked. I get held to standards by people who don't follow the standards themselves. And yet I still say that I respect and care about them, because from the bottom of my heart I do.

 

I have a hench something is going to happen shortly that shows it all. I'm going to have to see if that happens.

 

Mun - sorry if any of this seemed forceful or upset. I'm venting off steam. I in no way mean to hurt or be rude to you. I have a healthy level of respect for you.

[Miss M]

ShySoul... Sweetheart... while reading about your pain, my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry for all you've been through... all you're going through. I guess you're not everybody's cup of tea, but I've often been encouraged and uplifted when reading your posts. I'm glad to know you... and very glad you're here.

 

I hope things in your life get better. I hope you can soon realize your dreams. Stay encouraged... And keep shining your light. (((HUGS)))

[ShySoul]

Thank you Miss M. That's all I needed. Just a simple word of encouragement and thanks. It means the world to me and gives me strength to keep shining my light. Keep shining yours as well. I am uplifted when ever I read your writing as well and glad you are here. Good to know a kind heart like yours exists.

[Mun]

I don't know Shysoul, but if I was in a situation where I was constantly misunderstood, unappreciated, ignored or talked down to I would bolt. Why would I put myself through that on a daily basis ?...unless I'm a masoquist which-contrary to what my therapist said-I'm not.

 

I gave up the friends I had because they were bad for my health....and have been doing alot better since. Maybe you should consider a change of scenery, or some distance at least from those people who hurt you???

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't see the point of complaining and then not doing a thing about it. When I do that I feel as though I have let myself down. This is your life, it should matter enough to you to make some changes.

 

Best wishes

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I've read through this thread and well.... firstly, I never realised just how young you are, Shy! You always come accross as much more mature than the average 23 year old in your posts.

 

I am going to have to be a real nuisance here, and suggest professional intervention. Don't dismiss it, even if you *know* your issues, it seems like you need help to change your thinking style to make you feel better. Im not saying you are crazy, or that you arnt an optimist, neither am I suggesting that you become some sort of madly over-optimistic type. It's just that you seem to need help to stop feeling everything so intensely..its like you have emotional burnout thats making you somewhat isolated, even if you do talk to people a lot via messageboards and have many acquaintances.

[nikki blu]

You know, its funny. You say I need to boost how I feel about myself. I get told I need to work on having confidence in myself. Yet at the same time, I get told I am too confident. So which is it? No matter what I do, theres no winning. Hence I adopt the attitude, it doesn't matter what others think. You can love me. You can hate me. All I ask is you respect me. I respect others. Yet, I don't get that respect. I get put down. I get used. I get criticized for no reason. I get overlooked. I get held to standards by people who don't follow the standards themselves. And yet I still say that I respect and care about them, because from the bottom of my heart I do.

 

Your post really hits home for me...my mother just told me that I come off too confident, but a few months before that she said I don't love my self enough. I won't even go into my painful family history, but just know that many others share your feelings, and the ability to bear one's soul is a gift not recognized enough in this harsh world. I pray that you find serenity and balance. Stay strong!

[ShySoul]

nikki blu - Your words mean a lot. I hope that you also find serenity and balance, and if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. We are all connected, even if it is connected through our pain. It is good to know there are other kind souls out there like yourself.

 

AntiLove_SuperStar - Mature? Me? Nah. The joke I have with one of the few friends I have is that I never act my age. Most of the time I act 30 years older. And other times I act 10 years younger. I've always been told I act older, partly because of experiences, and partly because its just who I am. Which explains part of why I never feel like I fit in, because I don't. People my age have few of the same interests. It feels strange being around adults all the time, as I often can't contribute to many of their conversations either. Which leaves children, and as much as I love them, I know its not good to be around them all the time, that I need something else in my life.

 

Thank you for your concern, and you aren't a nuisance for suggesting a professional. I appreciate the suggestion. It's just not right for some people, and I don't think it is right for me. In the end, I don't think I need to change my thinking, because I'm not asking for much. I don't need much to change, I don't need much to help me out. Something small turns things around for me. My birthday just past. Last year, essentially ignored and overlooked. Feel horrible. This year, people actually took the time to do something as simple as write two words to me, happy birthday. And that showed me that people do care. A friend actually made me a cake. Touched me beyond words. These are what I need. Just simple things that come from people's hearts and let me know they are thinking of me and care about me, that I am appreciated. A professional isn't going to be able to give that me.

 

All I wish for, is a little acknowledgment and to know that all the effort I put into helping people, these people are willing to be there for me when I need something. I don't even ask for anything, I just want to know they are there in case I need them.