selfi Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 (last update of my story; Hello Ive been broken up with my ex for 4 months and been in complete No Contact for just about a month now (has felt like an eternity!) I dont cry everyday anymore, and have really started to feel genuinely happy again. . .Problem is, I cant shake off this damne feeling of *hope* i have. I try hard to convince myself that he's never coming back and that there is no chance, but my subconscience is telling me otherwise Next week will be the first time I have seen him this this year, (college re-enrolement) and I hate to admit it, but secretely in my head something tells me that when he see's me again, NC will have worked its magic and he will want to be in my life again. (??) Arghhh! Question is; how do I completely get rid of this ever so hindering hope? What do I need to start telling myself or do? As only then can I 100% heal from this 'saga' he put me through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NR498E Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Question is; how do I completely get rid of this ever so hindering hope? Unfortunatley I dont think there is anything you can say or do.Everyday little by little that feeling will fade away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 My advice? Find someone new! Bingo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frangipani Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Yeah, it's a toughie. It's made harder for me because he told me 'he still sees future' with me' even whilst with someone else. I think time is the only cure. New pwoplw can just be band aids. I wouldn't jump into anything. When you feel 'hope' you are still not over someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
selfi Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 \ When you feel 'hope' you are still not over someone. really? great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Yeah, it's a toughie. It's made harder for me because he told me 'he still sees future' with me' even whilst with someone else. I think time is the only cure. New pwoplw can just be band aids. I wouldn't jump into anything. When you feel 'hope' you are still not over someone. He's with someone else and he says he sees a future with you?!?!?!? * * *?!?!?! This guy sounds like piece of work... I'm not saying jump into a new relationship, but just getting out there and meeting new people has really helped me see a future past an ex regardless of whether or not anything happens with the new person... I agree though, if you still feel hope, you're not over the person... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
selfi Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 I guess when his final words said to me were over the phone, while he was crying, were; "I know this is Goodbye for now, but hopefully not goodbye forever." Makes it a little hard for hope to creep its ugly head out of my mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frangipani Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 He's with someone else and he says he sees a future with you?!?!?!? ***?!?!?! This guy sounds like piece of work... Yeah, it's very odd and why I went NC with him. So confusing and I know the girl he is with too, so it's worse. Why SAY that to me?? Selfi: I have just finished a book called 'Zen and the art of falling in love'. It's great and has helped me alot. Helped me to realise that everything that happens to us now is going to help us for the better in our future. An analogy used is that all the crap and garbage we collect and go through - we turn it into fertiliser and use it to grow. Another book to read is 'Are you the one for me?' by Barbara D'angelis. Really good also. Helps you understand why things went wrong, the right kinds of people for you and warning signs so that you make bbetter choices next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
selfi Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 Thx Fran they will be my next purchases Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nataliejulie Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 Selfi -- Both of us are so used to being a yo-yo to our ex's. One minute they want us, the next they never want to talk again, a week later... they become our best friends. It's normal to feel a little hope after this. When we think it's over, something in us wonders, "is it really?" It basically comes down to this -- we have to make it over. A week ago, I heard the words "I never want to speak to you again" (this is about the 6th time I've heard that one)... I didn't believe it. But there comes a point where someone becomes so frustrated, you WANT to believe it. Then do it. Maybe it's not goodbye forever, but it is for right now. Maybe a few months from now, you can be actual friends. Maybe a year from now, you can give it an actual go. But that's then, you have to worry about what's now.. and what's now is that you have wasted your precious time on someone who cannot make up his mind to either have you -- or not have you -- in his life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehm doubleyou Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I'm not saying jump into a new relationship, but just getting out there and meeting new people has really helped me see a future past an ex regardless of whether or not anything happens with the new person... I could not agree more with that statement. and even if you do not want to meet people at the clubs and such...I suggest then to join link removed put up a pic of yourself and in your profile just mention you are looking for new friends and not a relationship...and then you will see how you will get replies which will boost your ego and help move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I could not agree more with that statement. and even if you do not want to meet people at the clubs and such...I suggest then to join link removed put up a pic of yourself and in your profile just mention you are looking for new friends and not a relationship...and then you will see how you will get replies which will boost your ego and help move on There is a caveat here though. If you meet someone you really like, start pursuing things and they don't feel the same way about you and call it quits...it might put you deeper into the pain cave...or you might be tempted to run back to the ex...which has happened to me before... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ehm doubleyou Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 friscodj... thats the way it goes in any situation....I already have turned down girls on that site and I have been turned down as well...I do not feel bad about it at all...its all about screening people before you meet...thats way better than goin on a blind date an such ... but I do see your point in a way...its working better for me cause I gave myself some time to heal and such and now I do not want to look back...even if the ex wanted to get back with me, chances are that I will not want her back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nataliejulie Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 I think it's very ironically funny how we encourage rebounds here on the message boards, yet when there's a post about a dumper with a rebound, we all throw the tomatoes. My two cents. It would be great to meet people after the healing process is almost through. As for me, I've already went on my dates, met people... it helped my self esteem for about a week and then it made me miss my ex even more. (And I wasn't about to string someone along just like how I was!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frangipani Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I don't encourage rebounds AT ALL. I have been in rebound relationships in the past and now am dealing with the ex I still love being in one too with a girl. Dating is ok but getting serious early is not. Most relationship break up books and therapists advise that you should not get serious with anyone until you are 'happy being alone first'. Or especially if you are still having feelings of love for someone else. Just give it some time. Six months at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Frangi and Natalie- I'd like to re-emphasize that JUST TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE helps getting over the ex. It's like you see and realize that there are other people out there. I don't condone rebounds either. But I see nothing wrong with seeing for yourself that there is more out there besides you and the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
selfi Posted January 24, 2006 Author Share Posted January 24, 2006 As for me, I've already went on my dates, met people... it helped my self esteem for about a week and then it made me miss my ex even more. (And I wasn't about to string someone along just like how I was!) yeah doing the same thing made me miss my ex even more too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
healinginnyc81 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I took a month after the breakup to spend time by myself and grieve and I didn't really try to meet people because I just couldn't enjoy their company when all I could think about was my ex. But now I've started to go out and meet new people and it's slowly helping me to gain confidence and to see that there are other people out there that have the good qualities I liked in my ex. I'm not going to date anyone for at least a few months but it's nice to meet people and hang out and see that I can have fun without the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frangipani Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 Yeah, I can't see the point of going on dates when you still feel so low. Imagine being the other person on the date. Hanging out with friends is cool, they don't expect you to be happy every second, and on occasions when I have been out with my friends, they understand if I feel like leaving on my own early. I'd rather do that than break down in public. It's been nearly 4 months for me and I am feeling better. It hurts but not as much as it did. I'm sort of at the feeling 'empty' stage now. Just calm inside and I'm not getting upset when i think of him and his new girl. We talk on msn a couple of times a week (after NC for 5 weeks) but i dont buy into emotional talk at all and if I feel myself getting upset, I just block him. I have read some great books too that have changed my attitude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friscodj Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I suggest taking time to grieve (and grieve hard) before getting out there again. I think timing is important here. When you've been feeling empty for a while, that's when I started talking to people again...and as long as both people know it's casual, there's nothing wrong with that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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