Tired of Healing

[Dako]

Today I got suddenly crushed by the divorce blues really bad.

Just taking each day at a time is fine, but I get so damn lonely and tired.

This has to be the most monotonous and drab thing to go through. I wonder why anyone would ever get married if they considered how divorce felt. I just can't imagine doing this a second time without some serious street drugs or some other naughty behavior to ease the grinding sameness of the hours. How do these multi-marriage folks do it? I've fantasized about some of the most bizarre distractions to keep from flipping out.

 

Wake up go somewhere do something keep busy act cheerful don't drink too much get some exercise eat an apple visit mom do your chores chat with the ex do laundry. By all appearances, I must seem healthy and sane, but once in a while it's far less than amusing.

 

My previous life was such a rich experience with a brilliantly intelligent woman who I loved more than life. Now life resembles watching bad sitcoms from a couch while eating Cheez-whiz. Sometimes I fancy a taste of oblivion to make it all stop.

I guess writing this post and having a few IPAs will suffice until this fog dissipates. It really helps to vent here.

Thanks.

[brando]

It will get better man, it has to. I have been where you are now, and i do still struggle wit it today. I wont bs you about that.

 

All i can offer is watch your thoughts. Check the validity of them. I know i did more damage to myself then my ex did, becasue of all the crap i believed, and wanted to believe about marriage, divorce, being single again etc....etc... etc...

 

hang in their, the road to recovery can be a long one, but a most rewarding one, more rewarding than some marriage or relationship.

 

dont eat too much cheez whiz....

 

be well,

brando

[DN]

I guess the down days are really bad, huh? Stomach feels like crap, brain feels overtaxed and the heart is somewhere else entirely. And well meant advice is like fingernails on a blackboard.

 

But - you are one of the most grounded people on the forum going through this and are an inspiration to many. Might not help you much right now but your grace under pressure certainly helps them. And even your post just now helps them because they know you are suffering too.

 

Just like Churchill said in my signature "If you're going through hell - keep going".

[Mun]

It's ok to hurt. It's ok to feel like you don't want to put on a happy face. You don't have to...Divorce is hell.

 

You are actually doing alot better then some people do. At least your thoughts are clear.

 

This is a mourning period...the past is gone, the future you planned is gone too.. but you know what ? At some point you will start to make new plans and you will move ahead, you're just not there yet.

 

Pass the cheese wiz and the crackers...we are here for you man...keep going forward. Hugs

[Dako]

Thanks for your kind comments. I'll take them all to heart.

 

I'm actually very comfortable with myself. I've ridden a motorcycle to Alaska alone, traveled the US quite a bit alone, and generally found myself good company until that woman came along and changed my life. In some ways, I wish our marriage hadn't been so good. We shared French cinema, Asian food, opera, theater, coffee house gossip, backpacking, sports cars, motorcyling, dogs, old people, ceramics, cooking, home restoration, boating, astronomy, gardening, hiking, college courses, and the list goes on. It's kind of hard to lose that much ground in life in the time it takes her to say, "I'm not happy anymore, I'm moving out today. I'm so sorry." I'll love her until I die, and I know she may well be the only woman in my life.

 

I suspect being so much in love with the most intelligent woman I've known makes the stark contrast of being solo now feel so painful. She is a woman who, when told she'd be the next vice president in a certain corporation, would submit her resignation and apply for an unrelated job in a new field to prevent boredom. Repeatedly. She had so many successful careers over the years it's amazing. I always gave her my blessings to enjoy her various pursuits without guilt or fear of my disapproval. It was inevitable I would get the same treatment, but it was still a shock after 27 years of magic.

I've generally worked alone, played alone and eaten alone while she persued the career that took her away from me. She became so much in love with her job as a merchant marine captain, I rarely saw her. Sometimes I sit at the beach and curse the goddam ocean for stealing her, although I know better. It's just a reminder of how I lost her.

 

Earlier, I had a mega-martini and nice dinner to steel my nerves and I'm off to sleep in an hour or so. Booze is a crutch to which I feel a certain entitlement this evening. I'm sure my writing has become sloppy and repetitive but it feels good to let go.

 

Sure, I know how lame this all sounds but it helps me to let it out. For that I'm very grateful to you all.

 

Thanx,

Dako

[Relationship Coach]

The more you pick the scabs the longer it takes to heal. Dako you know I've been in your shoes and you have to believe me, it will all get better. Those days of dragging your butt out of bed and actually not caring if the brown socks don't match the shoes will be over. When you realize this divorce does not define who you are and you realize that your wonderful and intelligent woman lost one hell of a guy, you'll move on.

 

There were days when I begged for comfort from my dogs, I had no one else. I could not let my then 6 year old son see me fall apart, my employees or my clients. I lived in a world where I hid my pain even from myself at times. I knew the process of healing, yet I couldn't stop picking the scabs. I know the next few months are going to be hard for you and it seems to me you are surrounded by cheese-heads! We will get you through this and when you get to the point where you look back as I did and realize how far you've come and how strong you've become, you will welcome the opportunity for a new relationship. If things ever get too tough, come to Vegas I'd be glad to hit you up for a cup of coffee.

[lewisbn11]

Dako i tried something new last night to change the way im feeling about my ex. Im so in love with her still its a joke but anyway this helped.

 

Idolize somone else. Imagine meeting somone else that much better with even more things in common. I watched point break and the girl on there was amazing. People always say on here you will get through it. I believe them. But i also believe i will get through it and in time the right person will come along even if i believe the right person to be my ex right now. in time the right person will come.

 

 

[Dako]

Good morning.

I really appreciate your comments. It helps keep me in check when I get myself in a spiral.You fellow travelers know how long this journey gets so maybe I'm not flailing around without reason.

 

Picking scabs is a perfect analogy to add that to my internal dialogue. I need to keep moving and watch for a future. Yesterday I went to the house to drop off something on the porch. She had small black and white stuffed dog resembling ours on the mailbox. It tore me up. I need to stay away from the house, and let her deal with selling it. Whenever I go there, I try not to look at the ocean view where I watched her pilot boats into the harbor. I hate oceans.

 

Lewisbn,

You're right on the mark there. I've had some luck with thinking of her faults, and imagining someone who has more in common with me these days. It's not silly at all to find a use for those celebrities.

I still think Isabella Rosselini or maybe Oprah.

 

Today I'll get to the beach and fly kites with my friends. I get pretty focused when I'm doing freestyle tricks, and I'm a bit rusty. Maybe I'll discreetly ogle some ladies.

 

I'm grateful for your help.

[Danny H]

wow Dako 27 years, that is a lifetime of memories.

And the interests you had together were so wide, of course you feel like she was the only one.

 

I can't contemplate what you are going through, I was with my wife 17 years, but we had totally different interests, so at least I have a huge amount of memories that don't include her( which come in handy for proving to me that life can exist without her).

 

I think it must be time to throw yourself into a new hobby ( Scuba?) something with no associations with what was obviously a very special women

 

 

Best

 

Dan

 

(your last post has just appeared sorry scratch scuba as you hate oceans)

[lewisbn11]

Hey dako seems we share the same interest. i do it on the sea though! keep smiling lew..

 

 

[Dako]

Thanks Dan.

I'm planning a springtime backpacking trip in the Sierras to see some bears, and later on, I'll shop for a good used BMW motorcycle.

 

Lesisbn,

Lots of my buddies kiteboard. I almost was interested but at my age I heal pretty slowly. I just sold my kitebuggy but might get another one.

[Mun]

I like reading your posts, there a sense of calm about them. I don't know what it is about you, but you're like a shinning star on here---maybe it's that your avatar looks like one?

I'm sure your healing is helping someone else with theirs...I have no doubt about that Dako.

Anyway, I don't have advice right now but just want to tell you we're still here...........

[DN]

Probably one of the most insightful posts on this situation. Gives a new perspective on a scenario that many people have found themselves in and wonder why their partner could leave so easily.

[DN]

But meanwhile they have no food in the house, the dog looks like this and the hallway looks like San Quentin.

[chai714]

Dako,

 

Sorry for the cliche in advance. Time heals all wounds. Well, it doesn't really heal them, it just makes your emotions more mild about whatever traumatic situation you've encountered. In your case, divorce.

 

I can tell you exactly what I did for the first year after my long term relationship ended. I bought a new workout book, followed it to the "T", kept an online journal at link removed (it's FREE), hung out with my single friends (that number is dwindling fast), and started working with media technology as of recent. As time went on, I dated and dated and dated and that's where I am today.

 

There are times when you won't always be able to distract your mind by doing other activities. When you think of the past and emotions come, just go through them. If you feel like crying, hitting a punching bag, or doing flips, then do it. In hindsight, you will realize that it was necessary for you to go through these emotions to heal.

 

There may not be a fix-all for your emotions, but just imagine yourself running through various hills toward a sunny beach. You will encounter all types of conditions - steep, steep hills with thunder and lightening, sunny peaks with clear weather where you can see for miles, cloudy weather but good enough to keep going, and small hills that are actually fun to run on. Once you make it to that beach though, you will appreciate how far you've come because it wasn't so easy after all. And (God forbid) if you ever have to run down that same road again, you'll know that you can make it.

[Dako]

 

You ask them what they did over the weekend and they tell you that they went skydiving, worked on a novel and taught a class on nuclear fusion. Then they ask what you did and you say you went grocery shopping, washed the dog and painted the hallway.

 

lol

 

I think you're right. Yeah, sometimes it got old being a housewife..er...homemaker... uh ..you know. It took some real patience when she ran a business from the house, and employees would arrive as I left for work, or when she traveled around the country making presentations and I'd stay alone in fancy hotels.

It had its appeal but I was lonely at times. It must be the same for a woman married to a dynamo.

 

Strangely, I never saw her ambition as a curse. I was just happy and proud of her, as any dumb postfeminist hubby would.

 

Maybe I'll find a nice little old lady to watch Lawrence Welk with.

[brando]

Dako,

It appears to me you are giving this woman(your x) tremendous power over you. Sure, she was all those things you mentioned, but what about you? Don't ever underestimate yourself, your abilities, your talents.

 

I understand the wound is fresh, and you will go through the normal stages of grieving, but please dont forget about who you are and the things you want out of life.

 

The other night i was feeling down about my divorce, thinking about my x and it dawned on me she may or my not be doing the things that make her happy, and that doesn't neccessarily make me happy. So if we were together i still may not be happy with her.

 

Finding that happiness within yourself is crucial. I don't know how you feel about yourself overall, it isn't any of my business either, and i haven't read all of your posts, but remember HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB.

 

be well

brando

[Danny H]

Also as a side point Dako, she probably couldn't have done half the things she achieved, without the support of a loving partner, so you deserve a pat on the back for all that was acomplished

 

Best

 

 

Dan

[Beec]

Dako,

 

I don't know how to tell you how to fill that part of your life that she fit into. It's clear from what you write that she was not the thing that consumed all your time. She had plenty going on that she could not give you that much time. But it's also clear that she filled some need or want you had, she gave you something emotionally, which you are not getting now, and you had it for so long that sometimes living without it is just plain old hell. I think lvoe is a good thing, but it can be like any drug. But when the thing you got your fix from can no longer be had, then you cannot even go back to it, like you could if you were addicted to a drug.

 

I'm quite the opposite of you in at least one respect. I was a sailor, and I miss it. My family has had sailors in it for at least six generations, and I gave it up for an office. I miss the water, I miss being on it. I want to sail, body surf, whatever, just to get near it. I don't need it, but it gives me something. That's a drug I keep wanting to get more of, and cannot.

 

I am due to marry a woman who seems much like your ex. She is soo successful it amazes me. I went to a dinner with her colelagues last week. She was about the youngest one there, at her level, and one of only a few women. The dinner was for partner level managers and their spouses/partners, which of course were referred to as the "wives" at least once. Felt very weird. If you have any clues on how to deal with that, let me know.

 

I know you are a fairly introspective person, so my advice would be to figure out just what that thing you got from her was, what the missing thing is, and when you do, you might find some more answers, where to get it again or how to live without it, or a decision that you just do not need it. I don't think anyone can tell you what it is you got from your ex, but you might be able to figure it out.

 

In the meantime, keep plugging.

[Dako]

Thanks, Beec.

 

You've brought up so many good points. I might sit with a pad a list what I got from being with her. Never thought of it exactly that way, but maybe there was some vicarious pride, some loyal support and a whole lot of enabling. Love must've showed its evil head in there somewhere.

 

As far as being a wife, it's something you get used to. When you go to a business dinner, the wives often gather while the men talk shop. It can be pretty comical when you get included with the wives. When she became a captain, it was the same thing. I always laugh at those Captain/First mate tee shirts, where the latter is made for women.

 

I'm really happy you're getting married. It must be exciting an frightening to do. I hope she tolerates cigars.

You were the first to respond to one of my posts, and have been an inspiration since.

 

BTW, I intend to get back on boats, I'm just trying to forget some things.

[Beec]

You are welcome.

 

Thanks, Beec.

You've brought up so many good points. I might sit with a pad a list what I got from being with her. Never thought of it exactly that way, but maybe there was some vicarious pride, some loyal support and a whole lot of enabling. Love must've showed its evil head in there somewhere.

 

Love is an emotional attachment. It has a lot of stuff rolled into it, caring, respect, passion, friendship, but it really seems to me to be a collection of emotions we feel that causes us to be attached.

 

I'm really happy you're getting married. It must be exciting an frightening to do. I hope she tolerates cigars.

You were the first to respond to one of my posts, and have been an inspiration since.

 

Thanks. She does not like cigars, but tolerates me having one once in a while. Not easy to do in NYC since the ban on smoking in bars and restaurants.

[keenan]

Wow, Dako. I missed this entire thread--I joined the site a bit too late. I wanted to bump it up to point out how far you've come in the last month and a half. Well done, my man. Seriously.