Why the ex always call

[kate111]

It seems to be a common pattern that if you let the ex alone and move on with your life they will call you 95% of the time (estimate).

 

What do you think are the reasons why?

 

My ex and I broke up 3 years ago when he left me for another woman. He still text messages me about twice a year. I have only replied twice (out of about 6 times). I have also told him specifically to never call me again, but he has texted me 3 times since then.

 

Why o why do they insist on doing it?

[DN]

Whatever the motive the reason is basic selfishness and lack of consideration.

[kate111]

So what is the best response?

 

So far I have been ignoring. It hasn't worked too well. Why won't he get the message that I don't want to be his friend?

 

 

[KileOriginal]

Look, I don't know the details of your break up, but he apparently misses you a whole lot and is really feeling alot of heartache.

 

Why don't you post more info so we can understand why?

 

DN

Whatever the motive the reason is basic selfishness and lack of consideration.

That's a stupid thing to say, its not that simple.

[kate111]

I'm not sure he misses me and I don't care that much, I just feel a trifle irritated when he contacts me after I told him explicitly not to contact me.

 

We went out for approx 2 years. He went to live in another country and strung me along (didn't break up with me) whilst he had a new girlfriend over there. He came back, I found out and told him "see you later" and didn't contact him again. He moved back to England with the new girlfriend.

 

He would try to contact me every so often and when he met with my friends (accidently- bumped into them) he would talk to them about how he wished we could be friends etc etc.

 

I got a new boyfriend who I now live with and who I love deeply and would probably even marry if he asked me.

 

The ex paid a surprise visit on me one day and met my boyfriend.

 

He texts me every so often (approx twice a year) to tell me stuff about his life and see how I am going. I usually don't reply, or have once told him not to contact me. He also once apologised to me via text and I text messaged him back something along the lines of "thats fine, I wish you luck with your life".

 

I don't have much feelings for him other than not liking him because of the dishonorable way he dealt with me. This is why I don't want to have contact with him. Not because I am angry with him, Im over that. I just don't particularly want to be friends.

[DN]

Look, I don't know the details of your break up, but he apparently misses you a whole lot and is really feeling alot of heartache.

 

Why don't you post more info so we can understand why?

 

DN

 

That's a stupid thing to say, its not that simple.

 

Perhaps - but it seems to me that to call someone that you know misses you and that you badly hurt on a intermittent and casual basis is selfish. It may make the caller feel better, perhaps it assuages their conscience, but it can only cause pain or discomfort to the person they call.

 

By the way - it is generally frowned upon on this forum to say that another member's advice or opinion is stupid. It is fine to disagree but there are more acceptable ways of expressing it.

[Cherokeelion]

I agree with DN on this. Anyone who has read his posts know he's intelligent and insightful. Besides we are all here looking for advice and also trying to be helpful. It's never a good idea to be rude to someone trying to help in their way.

[kate111]

So why do you think he is doing it? What could be the possible motives?

 

Do you think he's doing it because he is curious, or feels guilty or what?

 

I mean, in those circumstances would you text someone again after they told you not to? Cos I wouldn't so I can't understand it.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN. Perhaps the caller feels a tinge of guilt from time to time about breaking his ex's heart and this makes him feel better, or perhaps calling her gives him a boost if he finds out she is still hurting from the breakup, but either way it's pretty selfish and inconsiderate.

 

Speaking of inconsiderate, perhaps KileOriginal you could be a little more diplomatic in your disagreement of DN's advice?

[KileOriginal]

If he cheated on you, then he doesn't deserve to have you back in his life and you should just stick to your guns about him not contacting you.

 

Having said that, he obviously regrets his decision and does miss you. He may be in a less meaningful relationship or feeling lonely, but regardless, the realizes what he lost in you and keeps coming back to it.

 

Have you ever said anything along the lines "your a cheater and don't deserve to be in my life at all, begone" ?

 

He's struggling with feelings he has for you, but hasn't given up and needs to realize his actions have cut that off forever.

 

Also, you have better things now.

 

To DN

sorry for the rude nature of my rebuff, but i did think you were being too hasty given the extreme limit of info presented, and its touchy to me cause my loved one has left me.

[kate111]

KileOriginal: Yes he did cheat on me. No I never directly said that I would never talk to him as he was a cheater. I showed him that through my actions though (not replying, ignoring him).

 

Thanks all. Do you think I should just keep ignoring him?

 

My goal is for him to leave me alone and hopefully learn his lesson (Im not holding my breath though).

[DN]

No problem - when a nerve is touched it can make us react like that sometimes.

[DN]

KileOriginal: Yes he did cheat on me. No I never directly said that I would never talk to him as he was a cheater. I showed him that through my actions though (not replying, ignoring him).

 

Thanks all. Do you think I should just keep ignoring him?

 

My goal is for him to leave me alone and hopefully learn his lesson (Im not holding my breath though).

 

Yes, just ignore him. If he becomes persistent then you might tell him, in terms, to leave you alone, if he continues after that you could always get a restraining order. Hopefully and probably, that won't be necessary.

[newts]

I think that you were a significant part of his life, we all look back on the ones that meant the most to us - just not to many of us will call, however, some people do. As DN (I certainly agree with your post and don't believe it was stupid or hasty) said it is just pure selfishness on their part.

 

I wouldn't read into it, do not respond, ever!

 

He will eventually give up.

[kate111]

thank you kindly everyone. Its nice to reaffirm that I am not being a "biatch" for not wanting to be this guy's friend. The fact that I don't talk to him doesn't mean Im angry at him or not over him.