NC Broken! Think she wants me back! Now what?

[Orlander]

I have posted a few times here about my breakup with my ex of 4 years. We have been separated since August when she broke up because of the difficulties of a semi-long distance relationship, religious difference and the fact that I didnt ask her to marry me after 4 years.

 

She spent the time from August 4th till December working on finishing her doctorate and had little time to think about our relationship. She graduated and moved into town last week and has all but came out and told me she wants me back. She has:

• asked me if I am still in love with her
  
• told me she has been thinking a lot lately about our relationship
  
• asked me if I had dated anyone and kissed anyone
  
• told me she still loves me
  
• I told her I was sick and she came over and brought me soup
  
• I showed her pics of my vacation trip to Las Vegas and showed her a pic where I carved my name and her name on a rock on top of a mountain. She started crying
  
• she started crying tonight telling me she missing me so much

She has been calling every day since she got back. I can tell she is thinking she wants to get back together. at least that is my impression. I just got a Christmas card in the mail today where she said she is grateful for having me in her life and that she misses me and loves me.

 

Not really sure what to say to her. I've been pretty sick lately and have not wanted any company...just have wanted to rest. My feelings lately have been mixed. I am having a tough time getting past the notion that the woman of my dreams would not have broken up with me (twice now) and come back to me wanting a renewed relationship.

 

We were supposed to meet in April, for a planned date, after each of us had time to think about the relationship, but I see that is not going to be a good idea. I told her tonight that we needed to talk about things but I didnt want to right now because I am sick and heavily medicated.

 

I see that I am still feeling pretty "raw" that she did not make time to think about our relationship until now, that she broke up with me for a second time instead of working through things and that I feel she is still questioning our religious differences. I really love her, but am not sure what to do at this point. Should I ask her out on a date, give us more time to think and talk or just NC for a couple of months.

 

Thanks for your help,

 

Orlander

[Amano Ginji]

Hi orlander!

 

First of all i hope u get well soon.Its tough to think about important matters when ur not completely well!.I completely understand how ur feeling.

 

If we look at her actions,It really shows she regrets breaking up with u and she really wants u back.I dont think NC is a good idea,Unless thats wat u want!.Besides she mite be busy with her studies n must have not got enought time to think about u!..Its highly possible!

 

The real question is,Do u still love her?..Are u ready to go back to her even after she left ya twice already?..The asnwers to these questions are infact the solution to ur problem.

[NR498E]

That is a tough call my friend...But I guess it boils down to this.If she really truly loved you then why did she leave?Regardless of what her reasons are you don't bail on someone if you truly love them, no matter what the situation.Now I am a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance.She did it once that's one thing.After the first time what did she say when she came back?I venture to guess it was very similar to what your hearing now.That fact that she pulled this twice is where I get concerned.If something like school and needing time to think about the relationship is her reason thats totaly bogus.Especialy after 4yrs.Id guess there is more at work her than that.Especialy since she didnt have time to think about the relationship.(yea right)My advice to you is leave her alone for awhile.See what she does.If you go back to fast she's going to lose a little respect for you.You have to be a challenge to her.See how badly she wants this.If she is willing to do anything to get you back,then you may have something here.But if she gives up after it seems to difficult for her,well then you never had anything anyway.And most importantly take time to really think about what you want.What is the type of woman that Orlander deserves.I think he deserves a woman that will stick with him through thick and thin.This is your life were talking about here.If you do marry this girl,do you really believe deep down inside that she will be with you no matter what.Marrige isnt easy.Just look at this site.I think thats what you need to think about.Goodluck

[Relationship Coach]

Orlander,

What do you want? You are in control here and your next step is important. The fact that you are tossing options out there is a good sign. You have realized that you can survive without her and you have gone through this twice now, willing to roll the dice again? I would take things real slow until you have figured out what you are willing to risk.

[DN]

I can tell you that my girlfriend broke up with me for several months to return to her own country but returned. We have now been married for thirty years - so people do go back and it does work out.

 

It seems one of the reasons she broke up with you was because you did not ask her to marry you. In her mind, that may have been tantamount to you not wanting a long-term relationship which caused her to doubt your love for her. That is not that unreasonable and it does prove that she loved you if she wanted to marry you. Breaking up with you may have been a way of guarding her heart by precipitating a break before you did. And things went even more pear-shaped from there.

 

Time to fix this mess - one way or the other.

 

Stop agonising over the past and think about the present and the future. Decide if you love her, decide if you want to be with her in a relationship and maybe marriage. If you do, then get together with her and tell her that you want both of you to get things back on track.

 

If you decide you have been too hurt to make anything with her work, then tell her that and walk away.

 

But make a decision now - or she may make her own decision without you.

[WildChild]

First, I hope you are feeling better and getting proper rest. You may be a little run down from all of the emotions you have had to deal with lately so make sure you are resting good.

 

I honestly think Orlander you just need to straight out ask her,"What do you want from me?"

 

I don't want to lead you in one direction or the other because it is hard to know right now what her intentions are. If A) she is just expressing how much she loves and misses you with no intent of reconcilliation, or B) She does want to get back with you.

 

Before you can make an honest decision about what you want to do, you need to know what path she is walking on. This will also stop you from wondering about many things. AND with your difference in religion, it is not going to be a stable relationship if she is unwilling to compromise on what your beliefs are. Not compromising her beliefs but understanding yours are different.

[Orlander]

Thanks everyone. I have had broncitis for about a week now. I hate to say that I have somewhat enjoyed being sick only as it has taken my mind off things (been too weak to think about my other troubles I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and sympathies.

 

The ex called today and asked to cook me dinner. I asked her to come with me to the mall to finish my christmas shopping. We went shopping and had a good time. She came over with her new dog that she bought yesterday and cooked me dinner. We had a good time eating, playing with her dog and just talking. We didn't talk about anything or make plans anytime soon though.

 

The first time my ex and I broke up was because of something I did. I got angry and said something that I promised not to say again. She was perfectly in her right to break up with me and I dont blame her for it. We did get back together though.

 

I think the fact that I didnt propose after 4 years had a lot to do with her breaking up with me as well as our differences on religion and physical distance from each other.

 

Part of me wants to come right out and ask her what she wants and part of me wants to just hang back and see how things go. Since I already told her we needed to talk but I was waiting for when I felt better, maybe I should wait a week. It's a tough week. Both Christmas AND her birthday are this week.

 

I hope she isnt acting this way because she doesnt want to be alone this week. I dont get that feeling, though. Ok, I must be getting better because I'm starting to stress about this stuff again. Any help would be good. Thanks in advance.

 

 

Orlander

[Cherokeelion]

Oh man... I know your feeling. My ex is coming back home next weekend. I'm on pins and needles dude.