He broke NC after exactly a month.

[nataliejulie]

It's been exactly one month since NC started...

 

It has been rough, but at this point, NC has really helped in terms of me healing.

 

A quick background -- we were together a year. I started to become obsessively clingy, he bounced back (you know the drill), we started fighting a whole lot.. to when he broke it off in August. We still remained in contact and started dating again at the end of September... taking things slow. He actually told me things were going extremely well and things were.. till I started pressuring him for committment. Then that led to fights and a split on November 3rd. The last time I spoke to him, it was probably one of the worst arguments we ever had. I would be surprised to ever hear from him again.

 

Now, I heard from him today. We talked for only 15 minutes, he was at work. He told me he would call me later... but I'm not expecting it. It went well, catching up, laughing.

 

Now I know to treat him like nothing but a friend for right now and not expect anything... but the hope is still there. I know he was dating someone, a week after me to be forward. But I heard two weeks ago he didn't like her very much and actually said her body was a turn off!

 

I wish we could have talked longer.. I don't know where to go from here.

[DN]

You are right to expect nothing. Let him take the lead and say what he wants. Make sure you know what your best preference is so you are not confused by anything that may happen.

 

If - and I stress if - he wants to get back together, then you should both be clear about where you want the relationship to go sometime down the road.

[Lady Bugg]

Natalie I am glad your ex contacted you, if it's what you wanted. I am hoping my ex will contact me as well. Been in NC just over a month. It's tough but I am trying so hard to be strong.

 

Any words of advice you can give? I appreciate it

[nataliejulie]

Update.......

 

We spoke yesterday, like I said.

 

Then we spent the remainder of the next three hours text messaging each other back and forth, really flirty text messages, too. Then he asked me to call him later on in the night and spoke about meeting up. Well, we did. I even told him to give me a call back in an hour to make sure he wants to hang out... it didn't take very long, he texted me only 10 minutes later. I spent the night, too.

 

After this period of NC, I notice something different. I'm not as emotionally attached as I was before. I'm not expecting as much as I was in the first place. I'm being very cautious, even though the events of last night may have been a big mistake.

 

He made it very clear that there's a lot of strings attached, between the both of us. We both know this. He even stated, "we've been here before, and then...." I freaked out then, that's what I did. I was impatient, needy and couldn't take the fact we were "trying to work out our differences" I just wanted to jump right in the pool where we left off at. So I told him, I don't expect anything from him. Right now, we have a very close, special friendship and an awesome bond between us. Whatever happens, happens.. whatever doesn't, doesn't. And this time, I meant it.

 

He held me all night and GOD it felt great. But I'm lucky enough to have a THIRD chance.. at least I've learned my lessons. But I'm very, very disappointed about having sex....

 

My mind is everywhere, help!

[healinginnyc81]

natalie, you seem to be really strong and doing NC seems to have helped you to be more independent. We could all learn from you. I hope everything works out for you. Don't regret what you did, it felt right to you.

 

However, I do think that you should make him work harder to get you back just to be sure that he really wants a relationship and really loves you.

[DN]

What do you mean by work harder? Surely both people should be working hard to make the relationship work? Testing people is not a good idea.

[healinginnyc81]

I don't mean that both people shouldn't work hard for the relationship but that when one person decided to end it, they should be the ones to prove that they want the relationship back. if they think that you are easy to get back then it will make them (consciously or subconsciously I don't know) feel less respect for your independence and you won't be sure that they aren't just holding on to you until something better comes along or even worse as a backup plan.

This is what I've been told by my counselor and it seems to click with what a lot of the people have said in these posts. Let me know if you have heard differently.

[DN]

I just think that 'making someone work hard' has a touch of playing games about it. It seems to me a hazardous thing to suggest when so little is known about what caused the break up in the first place. The one who left may have had good reasons and they may need reassurance themselves that whatever caused them to leave is not going to happen again.

 

For example: if someone left because they felt they were doing most of the work in the relationship and now feels the other person may have changed their outlook, making them work harder merely proves that they were right to leave in the first place.

 

That sort of thing may not be the case here - but unless we know how the person who left views things, advice to make them work harder may be extremely counter-productive.

 

Relationships are about balance, and equal commitment and work. I think that should apply to reconciliations as well, unless there is good reason to do otherwise.

[nataliejulie]

Thank you, your advice really helped me at the exact moment I needed.

 

I can't be so available. It shows exactly what I don't want to show -- neediness. Let me tell you how much I want to text him right now but I can't. I did call him an hour after I left to see if he wanted a break from his school work (he has finals at college all week - really busy), to get a drink.... he said he'd love to but is busy, of course. I'm sure if I text him now it will just be a bad idea. THANK GOD I read this forum!

 

The only thing I'm worried about..... is that I don't want to be used as some back up, some sex toy. I guess I'll see in the upcoming days, won't I?

[healinginnyc81]

DN, I didn't think of that. I guess it could be game playing if you aren't straightforward with the other person.

 

Maybe better advice would be to take it slow and make sure you know that this is what you both really want.

I apologize for misleading people.

[DN]

Maybe better advice would be to take it slow and make sure you know that this is what you both really want.

 

This I agree with. It is too easy to think everything is ok when, in reality, the hurts caused by the break-up still need time to heal, and the problems that caused it still need to be properly resolved.

[Cherokeelion]

Testing a person can be cruel in ways unknown to the tester. For example, what if the person being tested doesnt pass a pre determined " answer " through no fault of their own? Sometimes people react in ways that are unexpected but not necessarily wrong.