How to open up...

[antigravity]

I have real trouble opening up to people. Not just on an emotional relationship level, but even just to say a joke, or act a bit silly.

 

I'm always so controlled, and I think I come accross as boring and calculating. I know deep down i'm not like that at all... How do people not care and just act and say what they want?

 

Can it be learnt?

 

Also, I've found that when I open up to someone on an emotional level, it seems to come out too much! Almost like once I start I find it hard to stop.

 

How can I deal with that?

[Eyre]

Hey, did I write this and not remember??

 

While I can't really give advice...because it seems like I'd be talking to myself sometimes you have to just pretend. Pretend that you are one of those people who can talk to people. I come accross as someone that can talk to others because I try very hard to remember that people can't read my thoughts.

 

Some people really feel the way you describe (carefree) but I've found out that many people have a hard time opening up. Just don't give up. Keep trying. Talk about the weather, or a movie, or that you just like someone's hair or shoes or jacket. It may seem cheesy (I feel like a flake all the time) but it may be just the opening you need to strike up a conversation.

 

And if you think you are saying too much. Think about what you are going to say, and then don't say half of it. It is a place to start.

[ShySoul]

Don't try. Just do. More you try, harder it might become because of the pressure you put on yourself. Do you get thoughts in your head of things to say, put then don't say them? If so, just say them.

 

I don't really think it is something that you can have a step by step guide to learn. I think its something that just happens. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but its what I think. I think just staying calm, relaxed, and thinking positive is the key.

[antigravity]

It's gotten to the stage where I don't even get thoughts in my head, because I'm so worried of saying the wrong thing, or saying a joke that isn't funny.

 

Sometimes my mind is completely blank, however when with someone I know really well (my ex for example), I act completely different. I said silly things, acted stupidly.

 

Maybe I need to stop thinking about myself, and put my attention on someone else a little more.

[Alabama]

It can be hard to truly get through our thoughts and not worry. I suggest trying not to worry about it. It can be very hard, but the more depressed you get about saying the wrong thing, the worse it can get. As long as you try to make an effort, than you've gotten closer to solving your problem. Don't think, just act. Good luck.

[antigravity]

Thanks for the advice everyone... I know i've had this problem for a while, and I'm trying my best to work on it.

 

Thanks again! I need to stop worrying so much on what other people think of me. It's just so hard.

[PocoDiablo]

Two things:

 

1. Treat all people as friends you know, but just have not seen for 6 months. Ask THEM the questions, ask about THEIR life. Get to know them through asking questions and getting them to explain fully. Not only do people like to share their lives with you, but you will get to know them.

 

2. Don't tell people about your feelings or emtotions. Save that for your therapist or mother. No one wants to hear you whine about a bad day, how you screwed up something (unless you hurt yourself, then it's funny!), or how depressed you are.

 

Oh, I should add, if you make a joke and nobody laughs it's because THEIR sense of humor sucks. That's not your problem other than realizing you need to find some new folks to hang out with...

[antigravity]

Two things:

 

1. Treat all people as friends you know, but just have not seen for 6 months. Ask THEM the questions, ask about THEIR life. Get to know them through asking questions and getting them to explain fully. Not only do people like to share their lives with you, but you will get to know them.

 

2. Don't tell people about your feelings or emtotions. Save that for your therapist or mother. No one wants to hear you whine about a bad day, how you screwed up something (unless you hurt yourself, then it's funny!), or how depressed you are.

 

Oh, I should add, if you make a joke and nobody laughs it's because THEIR sense of humor sucks. That's not your problem other than realizing you need to find some new folks to hang out with...

 

I've already learnt that number 2 is right!

 

I normally ask a lot of questions already when I talk to people, because it gets them to talk... And I generally am interested in other people anyway.

 

I want to make myself more interesting, so I can actually talk about myself a bit, and get people to realise that I'm a person too.. Not just a shell of a person.

[Amano Ginji]

It's gotten to the stage where I don't even get thoughts in my head, because I'm so worried of saying the wrong thing, or saying a joke that isn't funny.

 

Sometimes my mind is completely blank, however when with someone I know really well (my ex for example), I act completely different. I said silly things, acted stupidly.

 

Maybe I need to stop thinking about myself, and put my attention on someone else a little more.

 

Ur absolutely rite bro!Stop thinking.Dont change ur self.Remember one thing..A person with the best sense of humour is not always funny..there are times when the funniest of d people act lame!!Its just like a jackpot..Be silly 4 times and the 5th time,U will end up saying something that is really funny!. comes with practice..After some time..U ill b comfortable wid saying wateva comes to ur head...Dont think it..Just say it!..

[PocoDiablo]

I want to make myself more interesting, so I can actually talk about myself a bit, and get people to realise that I'm a person too.. Not just a shell of a person.

Believe it or not, I have found that people think I am more interesting when I *DON'T* talk about myself.

 

I've gotten through entire job interviews with saying barely 20 words - and have gotten the jobs!

 

I've asked women on date with barely more than 5 word sentences that have nothing to do with anything.

 

I think at the very least the LACK of problems, boring rambling, life stories, etc., people find me interesting. While I may talk a lot on this site, in real life it's a whole 'nother story.

[ShySoul]

Don't tell people about your feelings or emotions.

 

If you are talking to a close friend, they'll want you to say how you are feeling or if something is bothering you. It's better to express your emotions then to bottle them up until they weigh you down and depress you more or they erupt in a burst of anger and frustration. Talking about your feelings isn't the same as whining about them.

 

Treat all people as friends you know, but just have not seen for 6 months. Ask THEM the questions, ask about THEIR life. Get to know them through asking questions and getting them to explain fully. Not only do people like to share their lives with you, but you will get to know them.

 

People also don't want to feel like they are carrying on a conversation with themselves (unless they are really vain). It needs to be a two way street.

[antigravity]

Yeah I don't have a problem opening up to people I know well...

 

What I mean, is I find it hard to relax around people I don't know. I put a wall around myself, and guard myself well.. So Im not overly funny, or overly interesting because I play it safe.

 

But I'm starting to get out of that trap.

 

I've been speaking to a few girls at work, and all of a sudden, they're asking my to go for walks with them, join them on their breaks. Ask me if i'm going out after work. Stuff like that.

 

It's funny.. You show a bit of interest, talk about heaps of stuff, and it's surprising how easy it all is.

 

I've been speaking to a girl who I think is WAY outa my league, and I've heard that she might be interested in me. We went for a walk, hang out at a pub after work with others, but she sat down next to me the whole time.. And we spoke nearly the whole time.. I didn't want to leave my seat

[Derge]

Ill put my 2 cents in here just take the pressure of yourself and have more fun you will not be rid of your confidence issue's but its a step in the right direction.

[ShySoul]

What I mean, is I find it hard to relax around people I don't know. I put a wall around myself, and guard myself well.. So Im not overly funny, or overly interesting because I play it safe.

 

That's not uncommon. I think most people have their shields raised and guard themselves until they have gotten to really know someone.

 

It's funny.. You show a bit of interest, talk about heaps of stuff, and it's surprising how easy it all is.

 

It is easy. Things are usually a lot easier then people make it out to be. Just keep calm, relax, and go for it. You can do it. And you are doing it well.