Crazy!! Is he interested or just being friendly?

[sprkal]

I went out for 'a bite to eat' with a long time friend last week. Now its been a week and I haven't heard anything from him.

 

So I guess I should start at the beginning. About 4 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. This was really hard for me, but it was the best thing and all is good.

 

About a week after my ex and I broke up I accidently sent a text to this male friend of my ex's. (the text was meant to go to a girl who is below him on my mobile contacts list). After I texted him apologising for accidently texting him he texted back saying something along the lines of 'I've been meaning to get in touch with you, how are you, sorry to hear about you and (my ex)'. Over the next few weeks we texted each other every now and then.

 

Then last week there was a party that I was meant to go to with this same guy and some mutual friends. We had decided we were to have a chat about an aspect of my uni degree that he had some knowledge of, having done a similar degree.

 

The party got cancelled but he suggested we go 'grab a bite' at a local bar instead. This was fine and we ended up chatting for 4 hours - we have a lot in common.

 

As we were leaving, he suggested we catch up two days later. I simply said 'well you know my number', and then we went our separate ways.

 

I haven't heard from him since.

 

I even sent him a text a few days ago thanking him for his advice and asking him if he had followed through on contacting someone who might have been helpful to me at his uni - but I haven't had a reply.

 

Can anyone tell me what is going on in this situation? I hope I haven't scared him by being too friendly when we went out - but I couldnt help it as I was having such a great time. And he asked ME out in the first place - WHAT is that??? HELP!

[DN]

Maybe he realised that getting together with his friend's ex is considered a a betrayal of a friendship and would rather not lose a friend because of that.

[sprkal]

Thanks DN, yeah that could be it. DAMMIT! #-o

 

The thing is they aren't close friends anymore - they move in different circles these days. I did speak to my ex a couple of days ago however and he mentioned that this guy had told him about us going out to talk about my degree and had asked him if he minded. My ex told me that he said he was cool with it...but maybe something else went down there.

 

Usually I would be able to brush it off, but I can't get the fact that we had such an indepth, interesting conversation and that I felt completely at ease talking with him.

 

He's also very good looking...

[ducky]

Just a second opinion on this. I would think he's waiting for you to make the next move.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. On one hand, you don't want turn a friend into an enemy by openly pursuing his ex. On the other, you like the girl but you aren't sure this feeling is mutual. The dominant strategy will of course be to maintain status quo as it is and play the "come and get me" card. i.e. drop signs of interest, and hope the girl takes the hint.

 

If you are attracted to him and want to take this further, then make the first move! Look at it this way: if he makes the first move, he'll be "betraying" a buddy (or at least risking turning an acquaintance into an enemy). If you make the first move, it's OK. Funny logic. I suppose you ladies term it "guy logic".

 

All the best!

[sprkal]

thanks ducky and DN!

 

Yesterday he texted me out of the blue. He said 'hey I heard you were out (at a club) last night. I didnt see you there'. Now after a week of NOTHING what is that meant to mean!

 

A friend suggested he's trying to play me, but he really doesnt seem like that kind of guy - he's more relationship focussed I think.

 

I just wonder if I'm trying to see too much into it!

[DN]

Did you reply to the text? If so, what did you say?

[sprkal]

I replied about 12 hours later (he sent the text at about 12noon and I texted him back at about midnight)

 

My reply was: 'Oh well your loss then! You shoulda seen me TEEHEE!! Maybe you'll see me tonight!'

[DN]

OK, well that shows a certain interest, let's see if he responds to that.

[traz]

Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to come on too strong...and he may be unsure if you're interested in him as a friend, as possibly more, or as just someone to discuss your degree

 

To me, it definitely seems like he might be interested, but for one reason or another he doesn't want to be too forward...if you made some kind of "next move" to help show assure him you are interested, that might clear things up. But I may be wrong

[Caterina]

You might be rebounding, also.

[charley]

First of all, I don't think dating a friend's X is a betrayal, if enough time has passed. I think that's fine. However, he might think different. He might be concerned. However, I doubt this is the problem based on your posts, or perhaps it figures in a bit.

 

As another poster said, it might be that he's taking it VERY slow because he knows your X.

 

I think he might just be a bit shy too. I used to be very shy with women (outside of writing). Now I'm only a little shy. I've changed some. However, I think I understand shy people.

 

If he is shy, that would explain a lot.

 

It's also possible that he's not interested, but I don't think that's the case. I think he is interested.

 

In your first post, you said you had a 4 hr conversation with him. Then he suggested you catch up two days later. IMO, that indicates interest beyond a friend. I don't spend that much time with my male or female friends. This has to be interest beyond a friend, IMO.

 

However, your reply was, "You know my number." That would be a suitable reply for an aggressive guy. Anything would work with an aggressive guy. However, as a somewhat shy guy myself, I'd take your reply as you aren't that interested in me, but I can call you if I want. A discouraging cold shower to me and I might give up right there. Perhaps it was the same to him.

 

If you'd said, "Sure. Call me. I'd like that." Then he'd know you like him and that he's welcome to call you. That's a lot better than the indifferent reply you gave him.

 

An aggressive guy will chase anything and the challenge is to get them to stop. A shy guy is the opposite. They need encouragement. I don't think you've given him much, if any, encouragement.

 

This probably explains why, when I date, its with slightly aggressive women. Who else would encourage a shy guy?

 

Give him some more obvious signs and encouragement that you are interested. Then if he really is shy, this will help. If he's concerned about your X, it will still help.

 

If your being more obvious doesn't work, then at least you'll know to move on. Closure can be its own reward. Not knowing is worst, IMO. But stick with it for a while first.