Why are previous girls I dated like this?

[gersanos]

Hi,

 

Havn't been here on a while, but there's something that's been bothering my mind recently.

 

I've bumped into a couple girls I dated before the past month, and one of the girls I bumped into a few times in the past month.

 

Each one of the girls were constantly looking over at me, and we did speak, but just light friendly stuff and we went about our business with the group of friends we came with.

 

I caught them looking over bunch of times, basically constantly checking me out, etc. I wasn't uncomfortable or anything, but I guess I started to be because they kept looking over all the time.

 

Here's the deal. 2 of these 3 girls I dated before broke up with me. These aren't recent break-ups. These are from high school and college (I graduated college a year ago).

 

I did like them obviously at a certain point in my life, but, with time I got over all these girls and I have no feelings for them, but, I hope that they are happy with there lives and things are going well for them, but, I don't care about them in that way, and I don't think those feelings can ever come back.

 

One of those girls I ran into again last weekend, and we spoke for a while, and out of nowhere as were talking she asks me, "You don't find me attractive?" Talk about the hot seat.

 

She tells me how she cares about me so much, and that she has such strong feelings, and that they never left her, but she doesn't know why things didn't work out between us before (she mentioned a few possibilities), etc. This is coming from a girl that broke up with me years back, and I remember that I was pretty hurt at that time, and now this? I pretty much skirted the issue with her, and gave her no answer because it's such a loaded question as well as an awkward question.

 

With the other 2 girls I ran into it was similar, but we didn't have a talk about how we feel, getting back together, etc., but I can sense that they still felt something for me, were interested again, etc.

 

Why do girls do this? I don't forget if I was hurt. And I don't get back together after things fall apart. I keep the memories, let go of the rest. Why do they to want try again as time passes, and we date other people?

 

I know how I feel. I don't want to get back together. I don't hate them. But I run into them, and they try to reconnect. They keep checking me out. They try to get my attention.

 

The only answer I got with this was from a good girl friend of mine that told me it's because they never wanted to break up, but, they had no choice because you were being a jerk, and they wanted you to break up with them, but since us guys are cowards when it comes to breaking up with girls (me especially) they end up doing it once they lost all the nerve, but they see you and still like you, and it rests upon you, the guy, to reestablish something because even though she broke up with you, it's because you gave her no choice and trapped her at the time, and you have to be a man and go back and talk with her and treat her right if you still like her.

 

Haha, I realize that the older I get and more experience I get, the less I know.

[Beec]

They broke up with you because of thow they felt, and do what they do now because of how they feel. That simple. How they have felt about things have changed. What bothered them enough to break up has faded.

[gersanos]

Hi

 

Thanks for the responses. I was a jerk to the two girls that broke up with me at a certain time.

 

The one girl that I spoke with recently and said she had feelings for me and all, I was a jerk to because I didn't like her. I did at first, but as I got to know her I wouldn't accept her lifestyle which was clubbing, partying and drinking. That's fine to not want in a girlfriend, but, I didn't approach it in the right manner. I should have brought it up, told her how I thought and felt, instead of just avoiding her and her calls, not being honest with her, and not being a good boyfriend, but a jerk instead.

 

Sort of a similar situation with the other girl I've bumped into a few times but havn't spoken with, but got all the signs. I really liked her actually, but there was one thing I learned to resent about her and that was how she was with money. She never worked before, but gets a ton of money from her parents (parents pay for her apartment, car, bills, and give her a 1000 bucks a week for food, expenses, and shopping for clothes). Basically I was jealous of her lifestyle because my family is not rich, and how she just threw money around. I complained about her and her money until she got fed up about me complaing, not appreciating, and being a jerk.

 

It's so strange because both these girls are great girls, but that one flaw that they each have in my perception is fatal. Perhaps I'm just too picky, or perhaps were just not right for each other. I'd say I'm being too picky. Sort of like when I find a flaw I don't accept it about her, but instead I sabotage the relationship. Perhaps that is an area for me to improve upon. That I won't like everything with every girl I meet and date. Maybe I was too young and immature in my thinking. Maybe it was something else. As you can see, I too think that maybe this time I won't find those flaws in them, or I'll view them differently, or they won't exist.

 

But as was mentioned, if we get back together it will be a matter of time before these things resurface, unless I come to terms with it and accept them for these flaws I see/saw in them, or if I change to better work with the flaw I saw in both of them.

 

Is this common among people? You are attracted to certain people, you date, you break-up because you can't stand the other person, both people move on, both people run into each other down the road, and the sparks fly with interest through the roof. Now the cycle repeats itself. It just seems so common in my life. I've done this with a few girls I've dated in my life.

[gersanos]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

 

So this seems to be almost like a classic here. Boy and girl meet, things are going well. Boy starts to misbehave, and not treat girl right. Girl is not feeling the boy and breaks up with him. Time apart. Boy and girl meet, boy behaves well, girl feeling boy.

 

If I gathered anything from this thread it is this: I need to learn to accept that anyone I date will have flaws and try not to focus on those. I also need to communicate things efficiently when something is bugging me about the other person, and not just keep silent about it until it gets to the point of resentment and mistreating the other person.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Dating Coach]

The only answer I got with this was from a good girl friend of mine that told me it's because they never wanted to break up, but, they had no choice because you were being a jerk, and they wanted you to break up with them, but since us guys are cowards when it comes to breaking up with girls (me especially) they end up doing it once they lost all the nerve, but they see you and still like you, and it rests upon you, the guy, to reestablish something because even though she broke up with you, it's because you gave her no choice and trapped her at the time, and you have to be a man and go back and talk with her and treat her right if you still like her.

 

Your friend has no clue about what she is talking about. That is the most outrageous assumption I have heard in some time.

Without knowing more details it will be very hard to determine what the causes of the break ups were, but I can tell you that your friends explanation is silly. Since some where in High School and College, it is not uncommon for the girls to have been looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence, so they dumped you and went looking.

[Dating Coach]

It's so strange because both these girls are great girls, but that one flaw that they each have in my perception is fatal. Perhaps I'm just too picky, or perhaps were just not right for each other.

 

No, you are not too picky. Guys must have "dealbreakers". apparently their actions were dealbreakers to you. You don't owe them to like them. If they are demonstrating deal breakers then you need to break up and move on. Of course you shouldn't have just stopped calling, but there was nothing wrong with ended a relationship because you don't want to be there.

[gersanos]

Diggity

 

I can't say it's a silly assertion, but I cannot say it's entirely valid either. She knows pretty much all the details, whereas on here I didn't want to type a novel so I summed it up as succinctly as I could have.

 

However, I think there is a lot of truth to the green grass syndrome. I was plenty guilty of it back in college, and especially in high school. I'm sure I'm not that unique in that girls never did it to me.

 

I agree with dealbreakers to a point. I guess it depends is my answer to any scenario. More details are needed. Create a rigid list of dealbreakers and well, good luck finding a suitable partner. Maybe she'll make the cut, but you won't find her attractive, or vice versa. I broke up with a girl I dated back in high school because a new video game came out and I wanted to play it until I beat. I was too into the video game. She couldn't understand that (we were dating a month tops). Was that a legitimate dealbreaker? I guess that rests in the eye of the beholder. Looking back on it now, I was a jerk for doing that. Perhaps it's just me growing up and maturing.

 

Lastly, why shouldn't I stop calling after a break-up? A break-up is just that. I've never called a girl after she broke up with me, even though there was one that I struggled with immensely not to call her, but, in time I got over her. Same goes if I broke it off with her. Best for both people to stay away from each other, for very rare is there a break up where both people can truly be best of friends without any sort of attachment or feeling for each other. Maybe down the road yes, but, down the road for me has always been us dating again.

 

Well, I appreciate your feedback as well. You hit some valid points which others didn't mention. Thanks.

[Dating Coach]

For some reason I read that differently last night... I don't remember reading her comment like that...

 

Anyways, it is possible that those girls liked you but didn't like the way the relationship was going so they ended it. I think it is more likely that they decided that they were no longer interested in you romantically. Flirting with you now doesn't mean they are interested again, but if you want to know for sure then just ask them out.

 

As far as dealbreakers, of course if someone has too many or is too strict with the dealbreakers then it will cause problems, just as having too few dealbreakers will cause problems. It really comes down do you though. I can't give you a list of all dealbreakers, but I can tell you that cheating should be a dealbreaker always IMO.

[gersanos]

Thanks for the reply diggity.

 

Yes, the girl friend that I told this to knew things more in details. She knows I can be a jerk sometimes, but, she knows me so well that she knows that's not who I am, but that I can be a jerk about things at times. We get along great, but, like any girl I've just been friends with, we don't get romantic feelings for one another - never have as far as I know. Just good friends.

 

However, if I do date a girl and something happens and I react as a jerk to it, that's usually the beginning of the end. One girl that broke up with me was so infuriated that she offered some advice about dating to me in spite. The advice she gave me though, little did I know those things bothered her, when there are some girls that it doesn't bother. Guess it's a matter of personalities.

 

I think there is a lot of truth to green grass syndrome. I thought about it a bit and think that had much to do with it, being young and all. It sucks whoever is on the receiving end, but, it's almost natural it seems while we are young.

 

You are right about dealbreakers. I have a list of those things. Nothing too crazy, but I look at them as standards. I'm not much of a partier, I'll go out to the bars and drink yes, but most of the girls I dated back in high school and college were into smoking pot...big no-no with me. I still meet many girls after college that are still into partying. Granted, I meet these girls whenever I do go out to a bar or whatnot. But I find it odd when a 24 year old whose a 7th grade English teacher offers to get me high in her car, then I decline, and she goes and comes back, or the grad students that are inviting me to parties and doing dope. Guess I just don't fit in with all those people since I'm not into partying that much, but I can't stand the girl I meet who isn't into partying BUT lacks ambition, drive, and education.

 

Lastly, these girls simply don't flirt. At least I don't think so when a girl tells me she still has feelings for me, starts to grab me, etc. It's strange because with 1 girl I dated back in high school we never flirted or anything afterwards. All the girls I dated and we ran into each other we always started with flirting, and that then lead to something more. Granted the second time around was usually worse than the first time.

 

The main reason why I ask this, is because it doesn't just happen with 1 girl I dated before. And, this doesn't happen to any of my guy friends with the girls they dated before. Out of my group of close friends it only seems to happen to me, and as much as the attention can be nice at times, I don't want any of it from a former flame.

 

They say don't burn any bridges, or that it's all water under the bridge, but...what if there is no bridge?

[Dating Coach]

Keep looking and don't lower your standarts. You'll be fine.