Lost...need help getting on right track.

[Warbeast]

Ok, to start off I will tell you what got me in the state I am. 2 and a half years ago I met and fell in love with a girl named Jessie. She was a druggie, but I made her stop because I hate drugs. Everything was good until she wanted to do them again. I told her to choose between me or the drugs and she said she wasn't changing for noone, so I broke up with her and broke my own heart because I knew it was the right thing to do. Not the whole story, but the main point. Ok I just got over her like 6 months ago, and I have been single since her. I feel really alone. I have friends and all, but it is just not enough. Everytime I start to like someone or something they don't like me or I find out they are with someone or they just want to be friends. I will get real emotional like crying about it and stuff when I should just brush it off and look another way. I can't seem to just not be sad all the time. The smallest things hurt my feelings now and I can't sleep sometimes and I cry all the time. I can't control my emotions when they need to be controlled. I can't get a hold of myself, and I am scared that if I don't learn how to control my emotions and stop getting upset on things that I shouldn't be upset about then I am going to be depressed and unhappy the rest of my life. I need help, what can I do to get a hold of my life? How do I change? Someone please help me out. I don't know how much longer I can take this pain. I used to be an out-going fun person that used to just walk up to random people and have a conversation, but now I am nervous around people. I am so lost........

[PocoDiablo]

Ok, to start off I will tell you what got me in the state I am. 2 and a half years ago I met and fell in love with a girl named Jessie. She was a druggie, but I made her stop because I hate drugs.

You should try to date people who you like for who they are, not who you can try to change them into, but I am sure you learned that. Otherwise they just go back to being themselves...

 

Everything was good until she wanted to do them again. I told her to choose between me or the drugs and she said she wasn't changing for noone, so I broke up with her and broke my own heart because I knew it was the right thing to do. Not the whole story, but the main point. Ok I just got over her like 6 months ago, and I have been single since her.

It's good to take time to sort things out. Statistically speaking, men take a LOT longer to get over relationships that women. I believe 6-12 months is the norm. You are right there, very normal.

 

I feel really alone.

Do you go out? Go to new places? Try to meet new people? Why do you feel alone?

 

I have friends and all, but it is just not enough.

Maybe you need to make some more friends? Sounds like they are not providing you the support you need. Are they fair-weather friends (meaning they are only around when you are happy, and gone when you're sad?) I hate that.

 

Everytime I start to like someone or something they don't like me or I find out they are with someone or they just want to be friends.

Okay, this is a BIG thing to think about right here. I'm not going to beat around the bush. These people are reacting to your presense, your aura so to speak, who you are and what you do. If people don't want to get involved with you, it's because you are sending out signals that something is wrong.

 

Clearly you are depressed and sad. You probably project this sadness out in everything you do. People want to have fun, just like you do, but sometimes you have to make the first step. You may have to make an effort, like you are doing here reaching out to us, and push yourself harder to learn how to be better at being social. Being social is a SKILL, not an instinct. Unless you get out there and practice being social, making people smile by smiling yourself, make people laugh by telling jokes and poking fun in a light-hearted way... well, then you will never grow and learn. It's like riding a bike, too. You WILL make mistakes. You WILL fall down. If you don't fall down, it's like you left the training wheels on. Sure, you never get hurt, but you also are not really riding a bike - so to speak.

 

You have to start thinking about what you are doing when people blow you off. Immediately ask yourself "Ok, she is not interested in me, or gave me that crappy "let's be friends" line. What did I do? What did I just say? Or was it something I said before? Did she step back, look away, look at me in disgust? I know I did something and I have to identify it and never do it again!"

 

People simply react to who you are acting like. You can easily change your actions, and people's reactions will also change.

 

May I recommend you go buy this book: Dale Carnegie; How to win friends and influence people. It's an old book, but VERY well written. It has a lot of good advice (and some outdated, but so what.)

 

You may also want to go watch the movie "The Tao of Steve", "Bedazzled", and "Groundhog day". The Tao of Steve is all about how not to act desperate, which I think you really need to understand. Bedazzled speaks to your overly emotional nature, which you also need to understand. You need to pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to the beach scene and the volleyball players, who are being honest, real men (albeit a little too ghetto.) Finally, Groundhog day will point out that only with practice comes success. I picked these movies for a very good reason, so go watch them and really think about the message, ok?

 

I will get real emotional like crying about it and stuff when I should just brush it off and look another way.

You lack a very important male trait called Self-Control. You are acting like a little boy. This is probably because no one has ever really taken the time to give you the social training you need. You're a MAN! You cannot cry over nothing, even little things. If you do, women will perceive you as a child - as a little boy - and they will no longer be interested in you. Even if you feel weak inside, you must hold it in and act strong. If you have to be sad, go do it alone! Never let anyone see you sad. (Personally, I go driving when I am in a bad mood, and I get some french fries.)

 

I can't seem to just not be sad all the time. The smallest things hurt my feelings now and I can't sleep sometimes and I cry all the time. I can't control my emotions when they need to be controlled. I can't get a hold of myself, and I am scared that if I don't learn how to control my emotions and stop getting upset on things that I shouldn't be upset about then I am going to be depressed and unhappy the rest of my life.

Okay, look, it could be a few things. On the "lighter" side it could be the fact that your body recognizes that you do not have the social skills you need. It is a cry for attention, and a cry for help. Unfortunately, as an adult, people will shun you because you are acting childish - you're acting like a big baby - and people want to have adult fun. The solution is to start reading books or web sites on how to create friendships, how to meet people, how to be more suave, flirt, read body language, all that kind of stuff. You may simply need to learn about people and social relationships!

 

On the medium side it could be a lack of excercise and/or poor diet. Yes, your body is a finely tuned machine. If you put crap in and don't stretch it out every now and again, it's going to rot from the inside out. Just like rust. If you eat crap burgers all the time, start putting on lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles. Avoid soda if possible, and drink water instead. Get more sleep - a LOT more sleep if possible. Ride a bike somewhere at least 1-2 times a week. Maybe pick up a light workout routine (I lift 1-2 times a week, just 15-30 minutes.) Take better care of your body.

 

On the worst case scenario, you might have a minor chemical imbalance. My GF has to take anti-depressants (Wellbutrin SR) and wow, do they make a difference. This happens to lots of people, sometimes due to stress or other circumstances beyond our control. If this is the case, just go see a psychiatrist and get a prescrption.

 

There are lots of solutions, lots of answers, you just need to start looking for them. They will all take a long time, like 2-4 months, to get it figured out, but it could change your life forever.

 

I need help, what can I do to get a hold of my life? How do I change? Someone please help me out.

Only you can help yourself out. We can offer advice, but you have to realize that no one will take care of you but yourself. You also have to realize that YOU should be the #1 priority in your life. Do whatever it takes to make yourself safe, healthy, happy! If someone gets in your way, screw them! (Don't be rude, you want to be polite of course, just don't let them stop you!)

 

Think about it this way. You're driving down the freeway. Three lanes. You're in the middle lane doing 65 and you come accross a car in the same lane, in front of you, doing 55. What do you do?

 

1. Tailgate but stay behind them.

2. Flash your lights, honk, but stay behind them.

3. Go around.

 

Life (and driving) is like a chess game. You have lots of pieces, and you can make lots of moves. You will lose some pieces, but you have to look at how you can get around obstacles. Next time you go driving, see if you just sit behind people or go around them. If you sit behind them, you are letting someone else, something else, block you. Why? You can get around! It may take some thinking, or some waiting, but you need to be looking for a way around at all times.

 

I don't know how much longer I can take this pain. I used to be an out-going fun person that used to just walk up to random people and have a conversation, but now I am nervous around people. I am so lost........

You have to understand when someone shuns you it's their loss. They are not smart enough to recognize your brilliance, your witty or edgy self, your deepness. Is that your problem? Nope! They're idiots! Screw them! Go around, meet someone else. And try to hang out with people who are happy, fun to be with, so they can bring you up, cheer you up, and you get back into the swing of things.

 

You know, you should go to a concert and practice walking up to people again. If you screw up, make a note of what went wrong then walk 50 feet away and try again on someone new. Keep doing this until it's natural again.

 

Just like in Groundhog day.

 

So what are you waiting for? Huh? You want me to come over there and kick you around some? (I can't, I've got to get to work!)

[Alabama]

Think about what you want. Your single, so you have a chance to improve upon yourself. Think about what you like and explore that. See what else their is in life. If you reflect on knowing liking you, than you'll get no where. Don't think just about love, see what else life has to offer. Simply believe. Good luck.

[Warbeast]

Wow, that was the most advice I have ever gotten from anyone, and it definatly is pointing me in the right direction. I'm going to go out and meet some new people, and I need to take more care of myself as well. You really helped a lot and I just want to thank you. Time to go change my life!