What are ways to become more talkative and receptive around different people?

[Double J]

For a while now, I've been probing deeply into my personality and have realized a few things (I like the psychology stuff - that's why it's my minor). I'm sure there are some of you here at ENotAlone that can relate to this:

 

I'm the type of person that tends to get easily bored when someone else is talking to me. Whether it be an instructor talking about a subject in class, my g/f talking about what she bought her nephews, or my dad telling me what car he's going to buy, I have difficulty paying attention in conversations - especially those that involve topics I'm the least bit interested in. I don't know if I should take this as having a short attention span, or the fact that I'm sometimes a little too absorbed with "me" and fail to be receptive to others' views and stories. One thing is for sure - I hate mindless chit-chat.

 

As a result, I usually don't provide immediate feedback, if any. Sometimes when people like my grandma talk to me (ask questions, ask for opinion, etc) they end up asking "Do you even understand what I just asked you?" Sometimes I even find myself proceeding to doing something else without even responding to them. In class discussions, for example, I usually do not raise my hand unless I really commit myself to do so. During the lecture, I usually drift into other worlds of thought. I really do feel that I have a REALLY short attention span, but i'm not sure exactly what it is. At times in high school when we had breaks in class, instead of sitting around listening to others in class chat with one another, I preferred to stand up and stay in the restroom until the break was through.

 

Honestly, I can be extroverted when I want to, but it's usually when I'm either w/ my g/f alone, with family members, or with a small group of close friends. I've noticed that I try to distance myself from relatively large groups of 4 or more people, especially if I don't know most of the individuals. I shy away from topics in conversations that either I'm not interested in, or that I have no practical knowledge of to apply to the conversation. Additionally, if i'm talking with a few people, and then someone comes along and takes center stage, I might withdraw a bit. Once it's evident that I'm not as active within the particular group (others focused on one main person or persons), I'll step away and let the others do the talking. Throughout my early life, I've realized I've been associating myself more with the low-key guys and girls who care not to step in the spotlight. It makes me feel more comfortable about myself that i'm around people who are more genuine.

 

I absolutely can't stand the comedian types. I don't mean people who are naturally funny, but people who try TOO HARD to be funny. This also includes people who try too hard for acceptance and to be liked by everyone. For example, I had a guy for a few classes in college the past few semesters that seemed to want to meet everyone in every class we were in together, and wanted everyone to like him. I obviously wasn't interested in talking to him. Now I have this kid in my current communications class - I don't talk to him either because he just tries too hard to be funny, and it annoys me to death.

 

As you can see, I'm not big on people who like to take center stage unless it's something that calls for it (a leader for a project, etc). I consider myself to be a private person - I don't stick my nose in people's business, so I really despise when they stick theirs in mine without my consent.

 

Lastly, I also have this tendency to like to go against the grain. In order words, I like to do things that separate me from what other people do or expect from me. I recently changed my major from accounting to marketing after my dad had pushed me so hard for years to be a CPA. I'm into baseball because everyone around here loves football. Sometimes if everyone in my house heads out somewhere where I don't feel like tagging along to, i'll wait until they all come back and just leave without notice.

 

I want to improve on some of these areas, particularly being receptive to others stories and not getting bored by them. I also want to be more alert and ready to deliver feedback once questions and statements are thrown my way.

 

Can any of you guys relate to this and does anyone have suggestions?

[Caldus]

One thing is for sure - I hate mindless chit-chat.

 

As do I. I have to admit though that when you meet someone new it's kind of hard not to resort to that at first. But I definitely agree that if you still find yourself in the midst of mindless chit-chat after a while, it gets quite irritating.

 

I absolutely can't stand the comedian types. I don't mean people who are naturally funny, but people who try TOO HARD to be funny. This also includes people who try too hard for acceptance and to be liked by everyone. For example, I had a guy for a few classes in college the past few semesters that seemed to want to meet everyone in every class we were in together, and wanted everyone to like him. I obviously wasn't interested in talking to him. Now I have this kid in my current communications class - I don't talk to him either because he just tries too hard to be funny, and it annoys me to death.

 

I doubt that most people even like the guy anyway. Pretty easy to detect the fakeness of a person. Forget about him. Concentrate on other people you're interested in meeting.

 

Lastly, I also have this tendency to like to go against the grain. In order words, I like to do things that separate me from what other people do or expect from me. I recently changed my major from accounting to marketing after my dad had pushed me so hard for years to be a CPA. I'm into baseball because everyone around here loves football. Sometimes if everyone in my house heads out somewhere where I don't feel like tagging along to, i'll wait until they all come back and just leave without notice.

 

Hmm, interesting, sounds kind of like me. Marketing is actually a relatively common field though. But I see where you're coming from. You sound almost as if you're afraid of 'fitting in' at the same time wanting to do what you like to do as an individual. Always stick with that your heart says. Later on, your heart will only get angrier with you if you keep straying from it.

[registered]

Hey Double J, I think this is an interesting situation. I am very similar myself, though have managed to reverse some things.

 

I have a short attention span in the same sense as you too. I am hopeless with lectures, and paying attention when people are giving directions. The thing I hate most is that I never remember movies immediately after I have watched them! I sit there for 2 hours, go into a dazed stupor, and afterwards remember nothing at all! Some people pay big money to buy chemicals that do that, lol.

I used to be terrible at remembering people's names too.

I tended to avoid groups, speaking in classes, responding to people's questions and making conversation.

Though I have changed so much that it isn't so much of a problem now, and I hope to improve further.

 

But there are things you can do! If you want to - I think it is good to be a more effective communicator (well I consider listening and responding communicating anyway) in these situations is very helpful and will allow you to go places and do things you cannot do without it.

Speaking in class is one thing that will get you started well. Maybe before every class you could prepare one question to ask (maybe from last class, from work, or something you know will come up). You can ask it in front of the class, or maybe after class to the lecturer or tutor. This will get you speaking and listening. Concentrate hard on trying to remember everything that is said. Over time it might improve - but forcing yourself to do it, practising, is what will allow you to change.

 

And yeah, centre stage can be a little over-rated. You don't have to want to be there to improve yourself in these situations.

 

Make it your aim of conversation to react to things people say. Reaction is more than response. It comes naturally (where respone can be artificial) and requires that you pay attention. Look at people's eyes when they speak.

This _can_ be improved. I assure you.

The easiest way to guarantee this is to direct the conversation yourself. You should ask the quesions! This will allow you to ask questions whose responses you might have some incline about and know of a way to respond to them. People talking about themselves or uninteresting topics may be what causes your inattention (this is cool though, it is not bad at all, don't worry) but if you direct the conversation you will be in a better response to adding to it.

 

Practise, practise, practise. You may not believe it, or you may think it is silly - but it is possible to practise conversation. When not in the position of having to respond, think about how you could respond. Also, simply listening to other people's conversations (even for short times only, lol....^^...and without them knowing will give you clues on how to respond.

You will only improve at these things if you force them upon yourself, so keep at it, you will get there eventually.

It is all about your state of mind. If you set your mind to doing something I bet you can do it. Before you speak with someone, make sure you are committed to listening attentively. It is all up to you. It is as you say a matter of attention, though more of a matter of interest. Be interested! Think to change your attitudes!

I think you can do it. Put more mind to it and I think you will. But you have to be committed and determined. You have to really want some thing to work towards it. So want this!

 

I am such an introvert, and used to be far worse then you would imagine....I literally didn't speak at all, avoided people, didn't notice people around me - I even thought I may have something different about me causing this. And this was fairly recently, like last year. But things will improve if you work at them - if I can change so much, then anyone can, lol.

 

But one last thing, be comfortable with who you are! You sound like a nice guy, grounded, and very aware of yourself and other people. These are great attributes. And your personality is one very important thing, and something no one can take from you - you just need to work out how to make it work for you in whatever way you want it to.

Make sure that any change you want to make is for yourself only.

I think you understand this though, you like to do things for yourself and be an individual, even if it is going against the grain. But this is great! You are being you! Just try not to go against the grain just for the purpose of going against it - it is all about acting in your best interests, and not acting because of the interests of others.

 

 

Hope this might help. Good luck!

[darkblue]

One thing is for sure - I hate mindless chit-chat.

 

I'll take this opportunity to expand on this one, too.

Often, when I'm speaking to someone for the first time, I won't be so easily bored by the talk. I like to get to know who I am talking to. Learning more about them, etc.

 

But after some time, it becomes this endless array of conversations consisting of completely irrelevant, and mindnumbing topics.

 

The weather - I can see it, thank you for stating the obvious, though it is no sign of intellegence.

Your work - As if I can relate or can actually even begin to care if the highlight of your life is how you finished on deadline?

Your pets! - Why would I want to know if you are training your dog to dance?! I don't care if it can fight fire!

 

Ugh, I have to say - I prefer people whom I can talk to less frequently; but have quality conversations with.

I have some friends which we use eachother to talk about deep, meaningful conversations of life, love, etc.

That's a nice thing to have.

[Zerohero]

One thing is for sure - I hate mindless chit-chat.

 

Indeed, but one thing you must remember, is sometimes there really is not anything to talk about. Yes the first time you talk to someone the conversation will be great, after that it just depends on the two of you.

 

 

The thing I don't like is fakeness. I can't stand people who act fake around me. Especially people you know, and yet sometimes they still have the tendency to act fake.

[Heartless01]

I think most of the responses are really good. Have you ever been MEDICALLY tested for Adult Attention Deficit? It has many odd symptoms, most of them not widely known, is treatable without stimulants or sometimes even any drug, and what you describe COULD be possible. Only a biological not psych test can verify my suspicion.

 

Let me add...I am NOT a supporter of any type of excuse, nor do I believe every diagnosis symptomology listing especially on attention deficit...which is a largely abused diagnosis.

 

Just an idea to mull if you find it worthy of such...