PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[Boricua7]

I apologize for the length but I really could use some help! Please read this and give me some kind of feedback. I really love my boyfriend and would really appreciate anything anyone has to say. Thank you!

 

Ok. I have a couple of things on my mind. Here goes...

 

I feel like I am a bad girlfriend and it kills me because I am in love with the guy I'm with. I want to marry him and I want him to be as happy as he can be but I feel like everytime we're together I'm just a big fat disappointment. It's common for us to argue. We argue almost every time we're together. It's never anything serious either, just stupid stuff that I let get to me and that escalates into an argument because I won't let it go. My family life has left me a very insecure person. Being constantly verbally and emotionally abused by my father leads me to think things that aren't true. For example, I constantly feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me even though I KNOW he does. I feel like I'm constantly arguing with myself because there's always that small doubt in the back of my mind that's created by me. I let there be doubt because, for some reason, I can't seem to accept that there's someone who loves me with every fiber of their being. Being told that you're ugly and selfish and worthless tends to do that to you. I don't want to use it as an excuse but I know that's the reason I think the way I do. For example, I went to go visit him at his frat house at Georgia Tech (I go to the University of Georgia which is like an hour and a half away). He immediately came to me when he saw me, picked me up to hug me, and kissed me. He had to work the bar at his frat house and went back to working it almost as soon as he had greeted me. That was fine and dandy but he spent what felt like the next couple of hours completely ignoring my existence. In the meantime I went to play pool with my friend, her boyfriend, and a girl who we'd just met at the pool table that was, literally, right in front of the bar. I had promised my friends that we'd have lots of fun at my boyfriend's frat house because there were free drinks. My boyfriend finally came up to me when there wasn't such a mad rush of people ordering drinks and I wasn't very "warm" to him. I didn't mean to be, I was really frustrated with everything that was going on; I was royally sucking at pool (I'm really competitive), I felt like he was ignoring me, and I wanted to get my friends the drinks I promised them but the frat decided to start charging for them because they needed more money to remodel the house. I'm the kind of person whose feelings show in their face so my boyfriend immediately knew that I was upset and assumed that I was mad at him. He confronted me and very scoldingly told me to stop being mad at him and to relax and have fun. Then he went back to the bar all irritated. I really got upset that he just assumed that I was mad at him and that I wasn't trying to have fun when I was sitting there playing pool with my friends! It made me even more upset that he was mad at me for something that I wasn't doing. Yes, it bothered me that he was ignoring me but after awhile I let it go because I knew he had to work the bar and there were a lot of people ordering when I showed up. So I was upset and was going to leave with my friends to get something to eat. I asked him if he wanted to come with me and he said that he was tired. I felt horrible because he hadn't tried to spend time with me the entire night! So I sent him a text message saying "Thanks for making me feel loved and that you even want me around after I drove an hour and a half just to come see you". I was about to leave until he sent me the nastiest text message, "If you weren't so f*ing arrogant you'd realize it's you f*ing the relationship. You make me want to hate you". I told my friends to go ahead without me and went back into the room I'd last seen him, crying. He was laying on the couch crying too. He told me that the only thing he wanted was for me to be happy and that he felt like he could never make me happy because I seem to have a set idea of what it is that he should do and that if he doesn't do it I get upset with him. This is kind of true. I mean, it's not like I have a list of things I want him to do but I do expect him to spend time with me because it shows me that he wants to be with me and that he wants me around, especially when I went out of my way to see him. Like I said before, little things make me doubt. So when he showed no indication (except for when he first saw me) that he was happy to see me, I felt like maybe he didn't really want me there.

 

My boyfriend *Daniel* (not his real name) also told me that the only thing he wishes that I would change is that I stop letting the little things get to me and upset me. He wishes that I would just let the little things slide. I do sometimes, but he never noticed when I do because we don't argue when I let things go. The thing is, I feel like I have to show that I'm upset or else he would never know that he was upsetting me and he'd just keep doing it. My mom is the most amazing woman in the world. She desrves to be so happy and I know she is miserable. She used to let the little things my dad did to upset her slide because she didn't think they were worth arguing over. Years later they've filed for divorce TWICE, are still together (I don't know why), and have the sadest marriage ever. My dad has grown to be an a-hole who completely disregards my mother's feelings; my mom, because she never said anything to him, let him be this way. Now look at them! I don't want that for me. My boyfriend and I want to get married (I LOVE HIM SO MUCH) and the last thing I want is for my marriage to end up like theirs. So I don't let the little things slide. *Daniel* told me that he wasn't my dad when I told him this and I told him that my dad wasn't always the way he is now. He told me I should get advice from someone who is older and wiser and see what they think and have to say. So here I am, posting on eNotalone.com hoping for some words of wisdom. I just want to fix what's wrong with me because he is the most amazing person in the world! I know he's the one, I just do. It's amazing how much he loves me because no matter what I do, he keeps coming back. I hate that I constantly need reassurance of his feelings. I'm afraid that if I don't stop letting the little things get to me and arguing with him about them that he will realize that I'm not worth it and will leave me for good one day and that would kill me.

[Alabama]

Worrying can be a problem for lots of people. They want to make sure the future has many good promises and doesn't end up bad. Your boyfriend David sounds like a good guy. You definetly should try to work things out. I suggest when you do get a chance to spend time with him, I know you said he was busy working the bar, but I'm sure he still wanted to spend time with you. Relationships are a lot of work, but if done right, the payout is worth it. I suggest keep looking towards a more positive future. There are plenty of marriages out there that have lasted a long time and are filled with happiness. To accomplish that future, don't worry about the little things, try to talk things out with your boyfriend, too. Communication is the biggest thing. Remember, as long you as you don't give up, there is always hope. Good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

It sounds like you have personal issues from your childhood that are creating problems for you and spilling over into your relationship. I think you should seek personal counseling at your school. Just about every school offers it for free.

[Boricua7]

Wow. I find it ironic that my major is psychology.

 

I would love to go see a counselor but do not have time...yet. I will most definetely make time because I need all the help I can get. I want to make things work because my boyfriend is the man I want to marry and to grow old with.

 

As of right now, because I haven't been able to seek counseling, I just made a list of things that he has done for me to remind myself that he does loves me. That way whenever I get upset because he forgot to call me back or something silly like that I can read the list to myself when I start feeling like I'm not important to him. I call it "Reasons to believe he loves you". Right now the list is up at 50 different things. I know the list is going to grow every time I see him and every time we spend time together and it will be harder and harder for me to talk myself into believing that he doesn't care because there will be so many reasons for me to think otherwise and they will all be right infront of me on paper! I wonder if this is a good? Any input would be greatly appreciated!

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't find the psychology major ironic at all. Many people who have personal problems take an interest in psychology. It's an issue of self discovery for them.

 

If you don't have the time for therapy, you should make the time. Therapy is always more successful when the person getting it is sacrificing something to go to therapy. Usually it's money - a lot of it. But if you're sacrificing something to go to therapy like a recreational activity or something, it's like a gesture to yourself that you are making a real effort to better yourself.

 

Give it a try for a couple of weeks and see how it makes you feel.

[Süsser Tod]

Boricua, If you weren't located in PR and your BF wasn't in University I would think that the post had been written by my GF. You sound exactly like her (but her mother was the one who verbally aboused her).

 

I can say, from your BFs point of view, that the situation is EXTREMEY tyring and stressing. Its like being in judgement all the time, you must think about everything twice before saying a word, or the WWIII will be started.

 

Please go to therapy, try to solve that issues, or the relationship won't get anywhere. I know, It aint fair, but I know my relationship with my GF is not going anywhere, I want to see her, I want to be with her, but 5 minutes with her and thats enough to make me thing otherwise.

[Caldus]

I agree with the others. I would go seek a school counselor if possible. Your relationship problems are stemming from your abusive childhood as well as an extremely high degree of worry about the relationship all the time. I speculate that the worrisome tone in your post itself is caused by your dependence on him (especially that last sentence). Obviously, this is unhealthy as well.

[Boricua7]

Thank you all for your advice. We broke up a couple of months ago and I am seeking counseling because I miss him and want him back and I know he won't even consider it if I don't change the fact that I pick fights over nothing.