needs a little work

[mysterious one]

here's a poem i've been working on it needs a little more work but i was just wondering what people thought about it. i myself don't think it's very good but i'll let you deside. any constructive criticisum is greatly appreciated. thanks for reading

 

 

You think my life is perfect.

You think I have it made.

You think my life is the best,

And that you want yours that way.

 

But you don't know what my life is like.

You judge me by what you think you know.

You don't know what my life is like,

You haven't taken the time to know.

 

You see a happy person.

Someone who's always smiling.

But you don't see what's behind it

what the smile is really hiding.

 

You want my life and you can have it,

You probably wouldn't last a day.

So stop judging before you really know

What it is like for me today.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I think it's a wonderful poem - doesn't need any work at all.

[Shadows Light]

I think this poem is perfect. I liked it a lot. It's such a truism that people only see what is on the outside and judge. Makes you think of that old adage.. "The Grass is greener on the other side of the fence"... and my retort to that would be.. "yeah, could mean there's a septic tank right underneath"...lol

 

But the opposite follows to. We see someone who doesn't fit the mild, the stereotype of what we would classify the "NORM" and we are quick to pigeon hole them, catagorize them.. compartmentalize and file them where we think they fit in the social-strata. Lets say you see someone who looks to be less fortunate than you. Maybe their clothes arn't hip. They look unkept. The outside looks questionable. We're quick to judge. That person could be the most facinating person you've ever met. They could be the happiest person around. The deepest and most affectionate person. The most hardworking and diligent person. You never know from what you see on the outside.

 

Yep... I do like your poem. LOL. And it hits a personal chord with me. People often times read me wrong. LOL. I had a very good friend of mine read me that way. The first time she saw me, short hair, business suit, walk with my head up and a bit of a tude.. she thought to herself... "Now there's a woman who has her STUFF together."... lol.. and now we laugh over it, because... really, my life is Chaotic at the moment. If I were to describe it... Its like sausage making. A big ugly chaotic mess, you don't want to see the process... but the outcome.. pretty darn good. LOL.

 

Don't change a thing about your poem. I like it. Infact, I'm going to print it out and hang it up in my office for a while. Thank-you so much. Keep on writing.

[mysterious one]

thanks for the comments. i may post another poem of mine when i get it typed up

thanks again