Falling out of love????

[redandblack]

It is truly sad to see that the loss of innocence is required before a woman will ever come down to earth again. No wonder they say no relationship is ever like your first.

 

Exactly. Why can't people just think "I'm being treated so well, I don't need anyone else."? I guess this makes me realize these girls need their hearts broken before they can realize what true love is.

 

This thread is really great. I have come to the conclusion that these girls NEED to get out there and have the blinkers riped off. Love is not about buying things all the time, holding hands 24 hours a day or butterfly-exciting moments every day. Love is truth, truth is love, and with this comes self-respect, respect for your partner, empathy, compassion, open communication and trust. Anything less and you will be left wanting.

 

I'm just wondering if there is ANY way to get this through to these types of girls, this ridiculous idea that perfectly illustrates the old proverb "the grass is always greener on the other side". I suppose this is more like Plato's Allegory of The Cave, where one cannot understand or imagine the truth without being ripped from thier bondage.

 

It's saddening, at best.

 

This is a really good discussion! Lets take this further.

[Bigbilly]

It's tough to know what real love is until you've been out there for a while, and yeah ...you've had your heart broken once or twice. I felt love in the security, closeness, and communication I had with my ex.

 

Now, she's off pursuing love in the dorms, but has yet to realize that infatuation is not, in fact, real love. I can almost remember what "love" felt like at that age; like some drug, when the hormones were burning so bright in your veins you almost glowed. It was the greatest natural high I've ever felt in my entire life, and just the memory of it makes me tremble just a little. But, after a while, the rush wears off and you're left wondering what the problem is. You try again and again to spark those wonderful feelings anew, but every time you do it gets harder, and the thrill lessens more and more. Such is growing up.

 

It took me years to realize what love is and what it isn't. Sure, infatuation plays an important part, but it doesn't last. It's the parts afterwards that're more important.

 

I think, when you're young, you're so concerned about your own feelings, and your own happiness that your partner sometimes doesn't become much more than your fix. That's not love ...she'll learn that someday.

[Fivek]

I think, when you're young, you're so concerned about your own feelings, and your own happiness that your partner sometimes doesn't become much more than your fix. That's not love ...she'll learn that someday.

 

This makes me feel like I'm 19 going on 30.

[redandblack]

I think, when you're young, you're so concerned about your own feelings, and your own happiness that your partner sometimes doesn't become much more than your fix. That's not love ...she'll learn that someday.

 

Wow, that was profound. I had never thought of it like that.

 

It relates back to the foolish idea that other people can make you happy. It's not possible! I mean, yes, people can cheer you up, but if you aren't a whole person to begin with, you will never find happiness "in other people". Only once one has searched within one's self and discovered what happiness is, can one allow others to enrich their life--also known as love.

 

The answers are coming to me now, wow.

[RayKay]

I think, when you're young, you're so concerned about your own feelings, and your own happiness that your partner sometimes doesn't become much more than your fix. That's not love ...she'll learn that someday.

 

Wow, that was profound. I had never thought of it like that.

 

It relates back to the foolish idea that other people can make you happy. It's not possible! I mean, yes, people can cheer you up, but if you aren't a whole person to begin with, you will never find happiness "in other people". Only once one has searched within one's self and discovered what happiness is, can one allow others to enrich their life--also known as love.

 

The answers are coming to me now, wow.

 

Bingo! Very very well said.

 

If you are NOT happy, that unhappiness will only leak into your relationships, and affect the other person. When you become dependent on them for your happiness, that pressure on them is overwhelming, and it is also a false sense of happiness. Anytime there are problems, for example, your whole sense of self and completeness will be fragile and shattered. That, and if you are not complete, and lacking your sense of yourself, you may be blind to the truth of the relationship or the other person (good or bad).

 

Complete, happy, successful, enriching relationships occur between people who are themselves all of the above. Our partners should enrich our lives, and add to our lives in amazingly wonderful ways, however they should not be RESPONSIBLE for our happiness and whom we are. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is DEFINITELY my partner in life and I love him incredibly as he does me, but it is interdependece (involving individuality as well as the "us" component), not codependency that defines our bond.

[Juha]

Yup...Cncerned with her own feelings that describes my ex's attitude towrds me right now....WHen we were together she was very concerned about me but now it is all about her....

 

She is still trying to find her way and thinks that if she is complacent she will miss something or someone...

 

SHe is still trying to figure out what love is, she says she now knows what it is with her new b/f but tha is just lip service from her...You can't know what love is when you are with a person who can't love themselves....

 

Maybe one day she will realize while she is exploring for what she thinks she is looking for she will realize what I meant to her and gave her...

 

Love is not always about kissing and hugging, it is about being there for that person supporting them, caring about them and the willingness to put them ahead of you without thinking about it...It is mucheasier for her to go with dependent people who have addiction, mental, and abusive issues than to actually be with someone who had none of that in their lives...

 

With those people she does not have to let her emotions out 100% as they have no clue what love is and let her do whatever in the relationship..

 

She also has some esteem issues and believes that these are the type of people she deserves, I tried to show her that was not true and she started to see that in me but I guees it is much easier to do what you are accustomed to than actually have something that is true...

 

She told me she is going to visit a friend in Chicago after the holidays, I know she has some interest in him...I would like toknow what her new b/f is going tosay to her visiting him when he does not know him....

 

SHe is too much only concerned about her and her only, she puts up a good front but I can see right through her and these other guys can't...

[Trax]

It is truly sad to see that the loss of innocence is required before a woman will ever come down to earth again. No wonder they say no relationship is ever like your first.

 

Exactly. Why can't people just think "I'm being treated so well, I don't need anyone else."? I guess this makes me realize these girls need their hearts broken before they can realize what true love is.

 

Wow. This is the *exact* conclusion that *I* came to when I had time apart from my ex. I wondered, "What if a while from now I decide that I want to explore other options?" And then it came to me, why would I even need to do that when what I have now is good? At that moment I realized that she was the right one for me.

 

This thread is really great. I have come to the conclusion that these girls NEED to get out there and have the blinkers riped off. Love is not about buying things all the time, holding hands 24 hours a day or butterfly-exciting moments every day. Love is truth, truth is love, and with this comes self-respect, respect for your partner, empathy, compassion, open communication and trust. Anything less and you will be left wanting.

 

The thing is my ex had a physically abusive boyfriend before me in her last serious relationship. She's had her heart ripped out before. She knows what else is out there, so why did she all of a sudden need to go exploring again? And I think that answer lies right in this statement. Love is not going to be this heart-stopping rush of emotion you get when you first fall in love with someone all of the time. It settles in and has its ups and downs. But its just there and it reaches a comfort level, a stability. For whatever reason these women think its supposed to be more than that all the time. It leads to a dissatisfaction almost.

[AC874]

With a girl for 4 years.

 

Absolutely amazing time, but she was very independent.

 

She broke up with me last week, and I suspect she is off to see new things.. experience and explore new things.

 

I gave this girl every inch of my heart/soul.

[L8RISER]

I think it is unfair to say that the "falling out of love" situation is a female one. People fall out of love. It happens to everyone, male and female. People fall out of love because people change. Desire, needs, goals, and personalities are not static things. As people age, they evolve through life experiences, and their priorities change. To say only women fall out of love is to say that men's needs and desires never change; that men as people never develop. Of course that's not true. Who you are today is not who you will be 50 years from now. Sometimes those changes effect your relationships and love life. It's just a characteristic of growing up, not gender. And I don't think we ever stop growing up. There is always soemthing more to learn about ourselves. My parents broke up after 13 years of marriage. They BOTH just fell out of love. It happens.

 

I'm gay, so my ex is of course male. He's left me because he hasn't really had a chance to be single, like your 20-25 yo female ex's. It's not about someone else. It's not about sex (though there is an element of that attached to the reason - but it isn't that simple.) He feels that to develop as a person, to learn about himself, he has to have the opportunity to be on his own; to make his own decisions, and yes, make his own mistakes. Making those kind of mistakes while staying together would end up hurting two people, not just himself. He has to be able to do this on his own, for both of our sakes. I definitely understand that, and don't blame him for it or find fault in his character for feeling that way. His needs have changed, and they are not needs that I can fulfill. No one is to blame for that but life. Still hurts like hell, and I still have those feelings of rejection and anger (even if not entirely justified - just part of healing), but it's something he has to do in order to grow as a person and know what he wants out of life. And it may well be that what he find out is that he wants what he had with me, but he can't know that yet. A couple weeks after breaking up he told me "I think I'm making the biggest mistake of my life (breaking up.)" I said "Yeah you are, but can't truly know that until you've done it. That's why you have to do this." Sad but true. There are lessons that I can't teach him.

 

I've never promised or asked for the promise of unconditional love or everlasting love. Love counts on so many things internal and external, things we can control and things we can't. Things can change. Doesn't mean that the love wasn't really in the past, but that it might not exist in the future. And if that love stops existing for either one of you, well that reason for BOTH of you to accept that it's time to go your separate ways.

 

People break up. If this is your first break up, unfortunately it will probably not be your last. This is my second one, and I know for sure it will happen again. I think the thing to remember though is that a failed relationship doesn't necessarily mean a failure of personality. In fact, though my relationship came to an end, I wouldn't call it a failure at all. We are both definitely better people for having known each other - so how is that a failure? It just came to it's natural end. Hard to accept, but that's reality sometimes.

[moondog627]

L8RISER, your posts are great and I always enjoy reading what you have to say.

[RayKay]

L8RISER - Very well said! You only have to look around these forums to see this "phenomenon" is NOT exclusive to young women at all, even I have been dumped by a man who said similar!

 

Anyway, post was well done.

 

What is important is finding someone with whom your love for each pther grows together as you change through life. And for whom you share that equal commitment to grow and nourish that love. And it takes many trials and errors to find that person!

[redandblack]

You're right. It's not restricted to physical age or sex. It has more to do with relationship-wise maturity.

 

However, this forum is littered with guys who have had thier hearts ripped out by younger girls who 'need to see what's out there'. It's not correct, but it's understandable why such a generalization has been made.

 

That was a good post L8RISER. I can tell that I am growing because I can accept your statements even though they aren't what my heart WANTS to believe.

[Janim7]

Hiya...

 

Well me and my boyfriend (ex) have split now. I finished things last week, but he was totally in denial and I began to think that maybe him saying he would be better and make me happy was worth giving a chance... which I did...

 

But after a week it got too much, I knew my feelings just werent going to change. I just couldnt get close to him... so I ended up telling him on Monday night it just wouldnt work. He got angry, broke the telephone cables and various other items in the house. I called my parents and they came and picked me up from 3 hours away. Got some stuff together and left. While waiting for my parents he left with a bag of stuff to his mums, just down the road.

 

He said goodbye, hugged me etc and things seemed better than I thought they could be, he was texting me afterwards but it seemed that he was just wanting to know I was ok and he had accepted what had happened.

 

How wrong I was.... he text me this morning and told me he missed me and asked if i miss him too. I told him, yes I miss him, but not in the way he wants, we were together so long that of course i will miss him, but we cant be together.

 

Since then he has been texting saying I cant do what i am doing and some texts have been quite threatening, telling me he will ruin my life like I have ruined his. I have been very scared for my life when I have to go back there... spoken to a police helpline just for some advice, they said just to keep the messages and if it carries on to go in to the local police station in person with all the details when I am back there.

 

I have spoken to him on the phone and he says he is still going to live at the house (after previously saying he wouldnt) so he can make it unpleasant for me in my time left there. All the furniture is mine and he said he will dismantle it all (because he put it together!)

 

I have been left with no choice but to move away, I have no family or anywhere to stay around there and wont feel safe living with him. I told him he can stay there as long as he wants, I will tell the landlords I no longer live there (I have paid the rent up to end of January, which he can use), the electric, gas, water etc is all in my name, so I will cancel those.

 

I have got this week off work as special paid leave for domestic reasons, but if i have to leave that will be my career down the drain!!! (That might not seem so important in comparison to his hurt, but he shouldnt be able to make me so scared it ruins my life, although that is what he wants to do!)

 

I dont know if I have done the right thing... I know I have hurt him but staying with him would be worse in the long run. Its gone beyond that anyway... does he really have an excuse to be acting like this?

 

I know you all have your own opinions about how "us girls" hurt guys, but that really isnt the issue here, I have been honest and done him a favour in the long run(although he wont realise that for a long time), now I have nowhere to turn and I am going to be letting people down.

 

Surely if he loves me as much as he says he does he would let me get on with life (no matter how hard it is for him!) and let me leave in my own time!!!

 

Any advice would be so much appreciated? However harsh or whatever...

 

Thank you

 

 

I just wish he would be able to realise the way he is acting is wrong.

[RayKay]

Hey Janim,

 

I guess his true colours might be coming out, knowing you are gone. Yes, it hurts to get dumped, but that does NOT justify him threatening you or manipulating you as he is.

 

You DEFINITELY should not live with him, is the place in your name, or jointly, or his? Make sure you notify all utilities, landlord of change, perhaps if money is tight you can find a roommate? You may not have family & friends around there, but nothing says you can't make new friends and stay in your current job to work on your career.

 

You are not in the wrong. Look, heartbreak happens. There are people that you find out after some time together you just can't be with, you just are not right with. You were honest with him, tried working on it with him...you can't force yourself to feel something you don't. And while it will cause him a lot of pain, he is definitely being really "vengeful" at this point.

I think he is almost trying to "force" you to stay with him by making it too hard for you to leave.

 

Be careful, do not live with him, move out asap and start moving on.

[supradynbunny]

Wow... the way you're feeling at the moment is just like my ex-boyfriend. We recently broke up. I didn't know why, but I realise now that it was for the best. We were together for over 6 years [i'm now 23] and he fell out of love with me and I on the other hand, am still in love with him...

But falling out of love is quite common in a long relationship. It's a large chunk of your life which you have spent with the same person. One could say, 'hypothetically' like marriage. My ex was probably feeling trapped, and wanted to experience life a bit more. He decided to break up with me, coz he thought that maybe we were holding each other back. That we were still young, yet already settled, and that we haven't experienced life as much as we'd liked. However, I didn't see it that way. I wanted to experience life with him. Do things together....but I guess we weren't meant to be....

[supradynbunny]

o dear.... just read your [Janim] last post...

 

Well it's best you found out what he was like now, then say, if you ever got married to him in the future. You made the right decision.

It'll probably take a while for him to take in the idea of both of you not being together. It came to a shock to him, so he's over-reacting and being irrational. I'm sure one day he'll realise that what he's doing is wrong, and will hopefully learn from this.

[AC874]

Suprabunny.

 

Did you ex ever try to contact you after the break-up?

[Hawk]

Great post James - you really have hit the nail on the head - this describes my breakup (and others exactly). If only we would learn from our experiences, but when we slip into that comfort zone, it really is a slippery road. My partner says she loves me, but is not in love with me. Maybe it is a lack of maturity on her part, but there are the facts and I know that you cannot change how people feel.

[JMevo]

I find it humorous when people say "Well it's best you found out what he was like now, then say, if you ever got married to him in the future. You made the right decision." The guys heart was ripped out of his body...breakups affect people differently. He's actually quite insane at the moment and you can't blame him for his reactions. Even though I didn't react the same way when I was dumped, I can certainly understand his actions though they may be "socially wrong"---because he's insane at the moment. I wish they'd make a "after breakup pill"...ahhh yes, to just be able to forget....

[redandblack]

It's always easy for those who have not suffered the pain of having all thier hopes and dreams destroyed and the love of thier lives ripped from them in one foul swoop to say "he's acting so illogically", "he's being way to clingy", etc.

 

I'm not defending what he did, but put yourself in his shoes for one second. It's not easy to have so much happen to you in one instant with very little warning.

 

He was just dealt the worst sucker punch he has probably ever experienced.

[supradynbunny]

Suprabunny.

 

Did you ex ever try to contact you after the break-up?

 

 

no. he still hasn't contacted me. i guess he's "too busy".

[supradynbunny]

I find it humorous when people say "Well it's best you found out what he was like now, then say, if you ever got married to him in the future. You made the right decision." The guys heart was ripped out of his body...breakups affect people differently. He's actually quite insane at the moment and you can't blame him for his reactions. Even though I didn't react the same way when I was dumped, I can certainly understand his actions though they may be "socially wrong"---because he's insane at the moment. I wish they'd make a "after breakup pill"...ahhh yes, to just be able to forget....

 

well exactly he's "insane"... you see a side of him that you didn't know existed. And she feels threatened by it. Of course, you can't blame him, but it's wrong to threaten someone- that classic "if I can't have you, no one will" attitude.

[RayKay]

It's always easy for those who have not suffered the pain of having all thier hopes and dreams destroyed and the love of thier lives ripped from them in one foul swoop to say "he's acting so illogically", "he's being way to clingy", etc.

 

I'm not defending what he did, but put yourself in his shoes for one second. It's not easy to have so much happen to you in one instant with very little warning.

 

He was just dealt the worst sucker punch he has probably ever experienced.

 

Why are you assuming that they have not suffered pain. I sure have in my life and I am one of the ones saying he is reacting dangerously - and I will even say that there is some pain of having all your hopes and dreams taken away that goes beyond a breakup. However, him threatening her, and telling her he is going to live with her (against her wishes) even though they are broken off is definitely past the realm of reacting to heartbreak. She DID talk to him, and had even tried to break it off before, so it was not a complete surprise.

 

 

Of course he is going to react, but threatening her and forcing himself into her life goes beyond normal, and I don't think she should just "excuse it" as him being in pain. No doubt he is pain, but she needs to remove herself from the situation as it is not healthy at this point for either of them! It's not just socially wrong, but it is endangering her at the very least emotionally....how would you feel if you broke up with someone and they moved out, then forced themselves back in to stay! I'd be pretty freaked out...

 

I have had some awful breakups, and worse, and I can say that the last thing I would ever do is threaten them that if they are not with me, I will make them miserable, or I will NOT leave their place, and so forth.

[redandblack]

Why are you assuming that they have not suffered pain.

 

You're right, I should not have made that generalization. It was incorrect.

 

He is acting extremely irrationally, dangerously and childish, but I stand my my opinion. Put it in perspective. Yes, it's good that you are not with him and by all means move out before he does something horrible to you. However, I do empathize with him. That will not change. Some people never learn to deal with their emotions, so this is probably his way of dealing with extreme pain. He could be mutilating his arms and legs like some, but instead he's destroying things around him.

 

I do apologize for my generalization, though.