question for men

[melrich]

Hi Cherryblossom,

 

I know you did not mean to raise gender. Anyway the other thing I would say to yo about this is that inmy experience this sort of behaviour is a maturity thing.

 

When I was aged between 16 and say 24, a lot of my friends (and to and extent myself) were very competitive about success with the opposite sex. At those ages, A type personalities ten to channel there energy into that sort of competition. The emotion of empathy is usually underdeveloped (it is one emotion that I believe mayures slowly and only wiith experience) so they think little of the consequences of what they do.

 

Now I see most of those same people (aged mid 30s) and none of them are like that. They are all solid famly people and those with the A type peronalities tend to channel their energy into careers and family.

 

My partner is a great example. She was very competitive with her girlfriends about who they could get to date them, how many boys they could kiss in one night, ever considering the hurt they might cause. Now she recoils at the memories, she has grown out of it, her energies go elsewhere.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is a bit of a case of pent up hormones and A type personalities with no where to go. Most people I am feeling are not deliberately malicious about it, they just don't get the consequences of their actions on other people.

 

Of course there are some people that do not grow out of it or find other places to channel there energy. Fortunately I think they are in he minority.

 

If I could give you one piece of advice on how to handle it, try not to take it personally..as hard as that may be.

[cherryblossom]

thanks that was a very helpful post. Good to know that there is hope ahead!

[Miss M]

Melrich, thanks for explaining further. We're still seeing it differently in many ways, but I do appreciate that you're caring enough to explain.

 

Also, there's something I'd like to specifically address...

Everyone has diffeent motives for their action, just because two people act the same way does not mean they have the same feelings or motives around those actions.

I think we all already understand what you wrote here, but if we used that premise as the predominant one, we'd never post to ask questions, never ask for the input or perspective of others. And there'd be point in posting here at all, no purpose for the board.

 

The point was meant to assist not dismiss...the original post.."who knows how they feel, (everyone is different). Probably the same as a woman who acts like this (it is not gender based, you can use your own feelings as a guide) thereforeeee as a woman if you feel that if you acted like that and would feel bad about it you can assume that's how many men re-act.

I totally disagree with this in bold. And thinking this way is actually why we gullible ones get caught in situations that are to our detriment. If we are honest and sincere, we think others are also honest and sincere. And so we respond to lies as if they are true. I've learned the hard way that I can't use my own feelings to determine how others feel because they are nothing like me. And whenever I assume that others are like me is when I get into the most trouble in relationships. That may seem strange logic if that hasn't been your experience, but I find that liars and those who exploit others usually target those who are very honest. And it's the honest ones are the ones who are most gullible. And unfortunately, I've spent a lot of painful years being pursued by and believing the lying predators who seek to exploit.

[jevonj77]

I agree with Miss M on her last assertion. I know that some of the guys that do this do not feel bad AT ALL...how do I know this because I speak to some of these guys...they brag about how they did this and that girl...it makes them feel powerful and make them feel gangsta...if you will.

 

Also you had one of the guys that said he did it himself tell us how he feels afterwards...he does not regret it...what more do you want?

 

If a person can reason to themselves as to why their thought process is justifiable, than they will go ahead with their action...

[Miss M]

I've been trying to post while not feeling well... brain-fog... or else I might have noticed this before...

 

Melrich, these two comments I referenced seem to be in direct conflict with each other...

just because two people act the same way does not mean they have the same feelings or motives around those actions.

if you feel that if you acted like that and would feel bad about it you can assume that's how many men re-act.