Husband kissed another woman in Vegas

[feelingblue]

Thank you Miss M. It's been so hard to believe him that the communication has stopped. Of course what he does at work is beyond my control for I don't know his email there or what kind of calls he can make from the office. I do know that he went to great lengths to hide this communication and what makes me the most hurt is if he only spent 2 days in vegas hanging out why on earth would she become such an important part of his life that he would put her birthday in his planner or her number in his cell phone with her name. I know he isn't helping me out by keeping me at arms length and telling me it's over but I need to know why he was soo intrigued by her, was it her, is she that special? or could have it been anyone attractive that made him feel special

[GuyNeedsHelp]

This guy needs to come clean with you and himself. I've learned from my own mistakes and also learned, if you don't come clean with yourself you can't move forward. I'm talking about your husband.

[novaseeker]

but I need to know why he was soo intrigued by her, was it her, is she that special? or could have it been anyone attractive that made him feel special

 

My suspicion is he has some significant degree of dissatisfaction in the marriage for him to leap to such a degree to someone else in such a short time period. He now is scared of hurting the marriage, and so he may be loathe to admit the extent of any dissatisfaction he has, or downplay or understate it, out of fear that adding that dissatisfaction to what he has done may send you over the brink and crater things. But I don't think he would have shared those things with her and such if he didnt have some significant dissatisfaction. That's not an excuse for him, it's actually a statement that he should come clean to you about the level of his dissatisfaction, if anything, so that you both know where things stand and what there is to work on.

[Miss M]

I totally agree with novaseeker. Somehow he's not satisfied, and he went outside the marriage to find that satisfaction. But there's no excuse for that and he needs to be upfront so you can both honestly examine that. And you shouldn't view his dissatifaction as a flaw in you, nor something that you need to bear the brunt of solving by checking, checking, checking, behind him.

 

I'll also add that from what you're describing it sounds as if you're now using your "checking" to calm yourself down, to reassure yourself. But checking on him is not the real solution, nor is it realistic in the long-run. And ultimately it's not healthy for you, nor for your marriage. Right now it seems like checking is the only thing that's working to calm you, and you're actually using it as a type of "fix" to soothe your horrible anxiety. The "permanent" and healthy fix won't be solved that way at all, and you'll have to find and use other healthy tools for that, including his full participation in helping you mend this.

 

And it sounds as if you're now feeling very vulnerable about your value in the marriage, your value to him. Whether she was sooo special, or whether it could have been ANY woman, are understandable questions, but they are just questions that will torture you. For instance, If she was something extra special, I'm guessing that wouldn't make you feel any better? Does it legitimize what he did? Her "specialness" is beside the point and doesn't justify his behavior at all. And if this could happen with ANY woman, that also doesn't make you feel any better, does it? Those are just questions that rise out of your pain and anxiety. The real questions (and answers) are deeper and more complicated than that. And they have more to do with HIS errors than any inadequacy in you.