Diary of the ex & getting back together.

[OCD]

NJ,

It is possible to find a person that shows you how they feel instead just telling you and then that's it. I did read your advice on the other thread...thanks! I'm just doing what I'm doing and will call her down the road, main thing is that we're both comfortable. I'm a guy and like to show my affection so I do know it's possible for you to find a guy that will "show" you how he feels if this one doesn't work out. You've worked so hard for this guy and it sounds like he's got some attitude problems. I'm sorry for that. Like everyone tells me stay positive. Take care.

[Beec]

I would never tell you not to be the dumper, if you are not shown respect. But the first time he did something, I'd withdraw myself with an explanation as to why. The second or third time, I'd be gone. Give him a chance to learn.

[nataliejulie]

I would never tell you not to be the dumper, if you are not shown respect. But the first time he did something, I'd withdraw myself with an explanation as to why. The second or third time, I'd be gone. Give him a chance to learn.

 

He apologized to me today on the phone. I didn't bring it up but he told me he's sorry for the way he acted the other night. He said he was just aggravated that he didn't get his work done on time and I thought I would be there earlier.

[Beec]

It's great that he apologized, but you still should not have to endure it. What he did is something you can forgive, but not excuse. but if it happens repeatedly, then he is not really sorry for what he did. If he really regretted it, he'd try to stop. If he does it again, stops in half the time and immediatley apologizes, there is some improvement. If he pulls what he did exactly or worse, then it is not an improvement. Reward good behavior, punish bad behavior. We are talking about adults, so you cannot spank him and should not do the same thing back, two people swearing and/or yelling at each other is less productive. So how do you punish? You walk away, you withdraw. You are not looking for perfect, but improvement.

 

Maybe punish is the wrong word, how about correct?

[zcloud]

Your guy needs to grow up, and you decide how to handle him. Either NC for a while so that he can grow up; or you will have to wait for him to grow while you're in a relationship with him, and you will experience everything he puts himself (and you) through. Too much togetherness will kill this however you handle it. Even if you want to keep him you will have to be pleasant but more distant; otherwise it will breakup the same or worse.

My ex had anger issues. These have nothing to do with you. If you're nice you can diffuse a little of it, but you need to be careful not to get sucked into fights. If you're nasty you will make it worse.

 

-Zcloud

[Echo]

NJ..

 

You are a sweet girl. You are smart, you are caring ..you have a LOT to offer someone who will respect and appreciate that. What you do NOT need OR deserve is someone using you as a human puching bag when they decide something pisses them off. That is NOT fair and it it is WRONG. Zcloud is RIGHT...this guy needs to get his head out of his you know what..and grow up. I am sure you love and care about this guy and that he has many great qualities..but the fact that you are mature and levelheaded enough to pick up on this might mean you are just not ready to settle for this kind of treatment. Kudos to you.

 

Don't feel bad if you have to be the "dumper" this time....I think you NOT being with this guy for a period of time actually HELPED you see what you couldn't see in him before...and maybe ...just MAYBE he is not right for you after all. At least you gave it another shot and you gave it your best....thats ALL you can do.

 

Keep your chin up girl..you're doing great!!!

[nataliejulie]

Thank you, everyone. Really. From the bottom of my heart.

 

I defintely have a different view of him now, with his anger. I actually said something about it last night (we were together). We were going into his front door and they leave all this junk newspapers on the front step and he was yelling, kicking them, screaming how he hates that. I told him he has anger issues he has to deal with. While he's kicking and screaming at this trash on his step, he says NO I DON'T HAVE ANGER ISSUES. It was actually pretty funny and we both laughed.

 

 

Last night was a great night. He was back to the same ol' guy making me laugh, having a good time, making me feel good, being sweet.

 

However, something really crappy happened when we were falling asleep. I almost belted out crying and I haven't cried for a few months. I told him I loved him. This isn't a very frequent thing and usually when it happens, he says it back. This time he didn't, he actually made a joke. We were talking about serial killers and right after the talk I told him I loved him. It's funny to me NOW. Instead of saying it back, he laughed and said how weird and funny that was. I took it personally. I became upset that he didn't say it back. He reassured me that he does love me and doesn't have to say it all the time. Which is true, I guess, but it's still nice to hear it. He got upset that I was upset... but he wasn't mad, he just didn't want to see me hurt.

 

Now, here's the kicker : He's been calling me his girlfriend. okay fine. We talked about WHAT we were last Friday... he said exactly this "girlfriend, boyfriend... we're dating, we are people who date." Told me how things have been going so well for us, etc. I took this as, YEAH, we're together again. So last night, after the I love you incident.. he says, "Should we even be saying it? We're not fully in a serious relationship. I mean, I thought we were dating each other, not seeing anyone else, taking it slow, trying to fix things... seeing how it goes." #-o

I said, "I'm not sure what the difference is, about what we are doing. We act like a couple, everyone thinks we are a couple, we aren't seeing anyone else." Then he tells me..."we've been through a lot, baby, just take it easy and let things work out.

 

I guess I will? He still calls me his girlfriend. I call him my boyfriend and he doesn't care about it. We are dating exclusively. We aren't seeing anyone else and made it clear to stay with just each other. Hell, we are even making plans for us in near DECEMBER! He still kept on being sweet and nice... and I know when he's lying, uncomfortable or BS'ing me.. he becomes distant, which was far from what he was doing.

 

Input? Anything?

[Yowser_76]

NatalieJulie, I'm so, so sorry that you're going through all this. I've read a lot of your posts and I know you've helped me and a lot of other people on this board. I can say with total certainty that you deserve better.

 

I know what it's like to be around someone who's verbally abusive. My ex used to lash out at me. He'd say terrible, cruel things and then apologise or twist it around so I'd believe it was my fault or I somehow deserved it. I think those things have been the most damaging for me. It's been the hardest thing to get over because it's destroyed my self worth. You know what they say - 'when someone puts you down often enough, you start to believe it'.

 

It seems to me like your man is holding back a bit...maybe he's scared of fully commiting yet? You guys have been through a lot, it's probably going to take some time before you're both completely comfortable or feel secure again. I'd hang in there for a while and see how things go. But DO be careful of his temper. Verbal abuse is so damaging and you don't deserve it at all. That's something he needs to work out.

 

The thing you need to remember is that YOU have come so far. You're a better, stronger person now than you were before, and you've done everything you can to make this relationship better than before. Your man should be proud to have you by his side...not many people would have made the effort you have to change yourself. If he can't control his abusive tendencies then I think you now know that you have the strength to let him go.

 

Good luck girl, I hope everything works out for you. We're all here for you no matter what.

[Beec]

I think you both are trying to make things work and both consider each other the other person's boy or girl friend. The definition seems insignifiacnt to me, so long as you are treating the relationship in the same way. If you agree on the term to use, but don't each put in the same effort and committment you will run into problems sooner than if you disagree about the label.

 

He does seem to have anger issues. Not sure how he should deal with them, but I think him not dealing with them could be a dealbreaker. It's been my experience anger often comes from issues of not feeling secure and in control. But, I'm not a shrink.

[nataliejulie]

Good lord, stay with me here.

 

 

Saturday morning he calls, I was in a bad mood, only talked for 2 minutes because I didn't want to take it out on him. I'm only guessing he took it as a personal attack. Later that day, I called him. We had plans to go out Saturday night to a Halloween party. All the sudden, he takes this 180, in a bad mood and says, "maybe we shouldn't go... I'm afraid you will be in a bad mood and we'll fight and the night will be a nightmare. We were tense last time we saw each other, you are playing games, I don't want to play games. You are not my wife, I don't want to feel like I have obligations." etc. He was mad apparently, the other night because he wanted to fool around and I was really tired. This was going on for about two hours and he said I was playing games with him. He calls me back and everything is OKAY........... we end up going.

 

The party was a BLAST. I looked great. All his friends kept telling us how I was the most beautiful girl in the room. They loved me, I made a lot of new friends. We had a great time. Towards the end of the night, we were both trashed. He turns to me and says "I know I have you." I said, "No, you don't." He continues on saying Yes, I know I have you. It was pretty creepy. Anyway, I didn't make much of it, I was pretty drunk, so was he. We just passed out and fell asleep.

 

Woke up the next day and spent the whole day together. It was really nice. We spent time with his sister and I actually had a good time. (His sister is psycho, I'm not exaggerating here) We got food, went to the NYC Opera, had a nice time...... till he became uncomfortable. He started getting anxious because he realized he had a midterm this week, he missed a class, he had a paper to do (which I was helping him write)... and he started being really distant and negative, quiet in our conversations. I don't know exactly what happened, but we ended up arguing over dinner. It was REALLY heated. I said, you know what, I don't care anymore. I really don't. Everytime he opened his mouth, I said, I dont want to hear it. He started apologizing.. bla bla. Then we started arguing again. Really awful, too. We were both yelling that it was over. I said I didn't deserve this. He said I'm an bad person and I make him feel bad. I told him that he feels bad because HE IS a bad person. I told him that I've done nothing but be completely devoted, loving and sensitive to him. That I've done everything I could. He says it's not his fault he doesn't feel the same way he did when we first started dating and he doesn't know if he ever could. I told him it didn't matter anymore because I didn't deserve to be yelled at, name called and accused of things I've never done. He said he doesn't know why it has to be tense because we ARE NOT in a relationship. I snapped back that we ARE in a relationship. It doesn't have to be bf/gf. We have history, we love each other and we decided to not see other people.. that's some kind of relationship right here. He's like, YEAH I change my mind. Blah blah, kept fighting.

 

Anyway.. after a half hour of this, going back and forth... we calmed down and talked. I told him that all I want to do is be happy, have fun and relax. He said that in some areas, we just don't get along and he doesn't know why. We tried discussing maybe it's because when he's anxious, I take it as a personal attack. He says he feels pressured because he thinks I expect so much out of him. Then he talks about me staying over like nothing happened. On the way home, on the train, I asked "Don't be mad, don't be anxious, I just want to ask, you said it was over about a half hour ago and now you want me to come over...." He said, "So, shoot me." I asked him if he wanted to still see each other, he says I don't know.

 

So we get to his house. We actually had a good time. HE CUDDLED with ME and was very affectionate with me. I stayed over, everything seemed okay.

I want to add something in here; we talk about future plans (like in the next month or two) fun things to do. I saw on the history of his computer, (I didn't look, it's just instantly there on his iBook) that he actually looked up some of the things we can do. He even said his boss said we could stay at his house up in the mountains if we wanted. Just things like that..

Now here I am..

 

BEGGING for any advice or direction on how to go now. I have no idea what is about to happen and I'm pretty terrified on the results.

[nataliejulie]

After pacing since my post, I wanted to find a reason to contact him. I didn't want to ask him directly if he really meant all he said, it being over and all. So, instead, I asked him if he wanted to see a few shows this week, because it's NYC Comedy Festival this week.. and he said he'd love to.

I know he says things out of anger.. I can't even count the amount of times in the past we had fights and he says, it's over! and then it passes, then we just act like nothing happened.

 

Usually people say things they don't usually say when they are drunk. So the other night, when he said "I know I have you" I'm taking it into consideration and I'm guessing I have to make him feel like he doesn't. Starting right now... I'm going to make myself less unavailable to him. He says things were intense the past few days and they were. Obviously, you can tell on my posts how I've been feeling very insecure and depressed about everything. I have to learn control.

 

He even told me last night, I have to learn self control. I even told him that he was acting SO great the week before, remember? He was telling me compliments, sweet nothings, being just plain romantic and wonderful. He told me the reason he changed was he noticed a difference in me lately this week. He told me I was being really happy, enjoying our time, just being relaxed... and this week, I was being a little uptight and over bearing. At least I have my answer.

[Beec]

I mean no offense by this, but it seems you both are not real secure in how you feel about this relationship, each other and how the other feels about you.

 

When he said he had you, he felt secure about how you felt. Your response might have lead him to feel the opposite. If you had told him that you were not sure, but that if he played his cards right he would, then he might have felt more secure.

 

You also both seem to react when the other's anxieties about things outside of the two of you get to each other. He reacted to your bad mood, and you seem to have reacted when his paper, etc. got to him.

 

Just my thoughts, but look at these things.