Being Ugly and Shy

[Miss M]

Wlfpack81, the reason I wrote that is because I was married to a guy who was ugly, but I found him immediately and totally irresistible. One problem in our marriage was that he could never understand why I (a woman considered attractive) would choose him. (I only found out he felt that way several years after the breakup.) We've been divorced now for over 25 years and he still gets plenty of women, and even proposals. Most women who meet him fall immediately in love with him because of his personality. Heck, I even still find him adorable and have to often remind myself why the marriage didn't work.

 

And after the marriage I continued to date guys that aren't considered attractive because I still don't choose guys by trying to pick out the good-looking ones. A lot of women don't choose guys based on that. And there are plenty of unattractive guys with girlfriends/wives, and they are not rich celebrities. You only need to look around to find them.

 

Attractiveness is like money. When you don't have it, you're absolutely certain it will solve all your problems. And when you do have it, you realize how useless it is because happiness and self-contentment come from within. Being attractive is not a remedy for unhappiness and loneliness.

 

And when you're attractive you find out that a lot of superficial people flock to you, wanting to be with you because of how you look. (So in that way also, it's just like money.) And they think your good looks will somehow make them happy. It won't.

 

Bottom line... being attractive won't make you happy. And being with someone who is attractive also won't make you happy because in both cases that has to come from within. The surface stuff can't fix that.

 

I know it's hard to fathom, but I still say if you could suddenly be attractive, you would find out it's not what you think it is, and it will not solve your real problem, and that is your relationship with yourself.

[ShySoul]

Well, outward appearance may be a teeny-part but it's the first part or the spark plug that gets the car started. My spark plug is in bad shape girl!!! LOL

 

Not necessarily. Girls have hit on me online before ever even seeing my picture. So there was no one that outward appearance could have been the first part.

 

And if the spark plug is in such bad shape, how is typing all these posts about it being in bad shape going to solve it? Start being a mechanic and fix it. First, work on the confidence and being happy with yourself. And if you continually insist that its your appearance, just go for the plastic surgery. I was down in the OC recently and heard a commercial with a great deal and a free limo ride to the surgery. Have fun.

 

I was married to a guy who was ugly, but I found him immediately and totally irresistible. One problem in our marriage was that he could never understand why I (a woman considered attractive) would choose him. (I only found out he felt that way several years after the breakup.) We've been divorced now for over 25 years and he still gets plenty of women, and even proposals. Most women who meet him fall immediately in love with him because of his personality. Heck, I even still find him adorable and have to often remind myself why the marriage didn't work.

 

Miss M, that's the kind of story these guys need to hear (though was he really ugly?). Appearance wasn't the issue, it was his confidence in himself. I had that happen to me recently. I couldn't believe that someone would fall for me, cause it hadn't happened before. But she found me attractive anyways. I was down about something once and asked what she saw in me. She told me and also said that women don't like it when someone is down on themselves like I was. I picked up my confidence and things got a lot better.

 

Before others can love you, you have to love yourself.

 

Miss M, your wisdom and heart never ceases to amaze me.

[Miss M]

Miss M, that's the kind of story these guys need to hear (though was he really ugly?).

Yep, he really was. It was 30 years ago when I first met him but I still clearly remember my initial thoughts. I thought "Wow, he's really ugly" and also "Wow, I really like him," no joke. I did think he was ugly, but I was also completely and hopelessly stuck on him from the very first encounter. I was in the military and lived in the barracks, surrounded by several hundreds, maybe a couple of thousand guys (and some handsome ones) who were all trying to get a chance with the relatively small group of females there. He easily won my heart over all of them. And even though we split years ago, he still has a wonderful personality that still pulls the women, and can still tug on me.

 

It's really the personality that sells you, not how you look. It might seem that good-looking guys get the initial attention, but for many of us looks have nothing to do with the relationship. For those of you who feel ugly, if a woman would disregard you or bypass you because of how you look, then she's not the one for you anyway. And why would you even want someone like that?

 

Appearance wasn't the issue, it was his confidence in himself.

My ex is a hard one to figure out. Yes, he exudes confidence, is totally adorable and irresistible, has women flock to him all the time, and he seems completely comfortable with himself. I liked him immediately because he's genuinely a caring person, very witty, and he's the kind of guy who's most interested in the person, not the outward appearance. But underneath all of that there is still an enormous feeling of self-doubt and unworthiness that eats at him. But I'm like that too, so I guess I can also understand that confusing paradox.

[Caldus]

I never really knew what people meant by confidence. Of course we can go by the dictionary's definition of it. But is that what people really follow? Maybe this could help the original poster.

[Dre_7]

I never really knew what people meant by confidence. Of course we can go by the dictionary's definition of it. But is that what people really follow? Maybe this could help the original poster.

 

I'm not sure how you'd like to define confidence, but it's not everything that it's made out to be. Like every other ingredient in attraction, it has it's role, but it is no greater than or explanatory of attraction itself.

[Caldus]

I never really knew what people meant by confidence. Of course we can go by the dictionary's definition of it. But is that what people really follow? Maybe this could help the original poster.

 

I'm not sure how you'd like to define confidence, but it's not everything that it's made out to be. Like every other ingredient in attraction, it has it's role, but it is no greater than or explanatory of attraction itself.

 

Same thoughts here.

[ShySoul]

Yep, he really was. It was 30 years ago when I first met him but I still clearly remember my initial thoughts. I thought "Wow, he's really ugly" and also "Wow, I really like him," no joke

 

Sounds like a start to a romantic comedy. I give it two thumbs up. 8) And once again you nail the whole ugliness/attractiveness issue.

 

I liked him immediately because he's genuinely a caring person, very witty, and he's the kind of guy who's most interested in the person, not the outward appearance. But underneath all of that there is still an enormous feeling of self-doubt and unworthiness that eats at him. But I'm like that too, so I guess I can also understand that confusing paradox

 

That makes three of us. On my side it has to do with experiences growing up, my naturally shy nature, pressure I put on myself to be perfect (yep, being a perfectionist is killer), and that I tend to see things differently then most so it's like I don't fit in. Could those things explain his and your behavior?

 

I never really knew what people meant by confidence. Of course we can go by the dictionary's definition of it. But is that what people really follow? Maybe this could help the original poster.

 

Confidence is knowing who you are and loving yourself for it. It's seeing the good in you and being proud of it, while recognizing and working on improving the faults you have but still not letting those faults drag you down. It's standing up for yourself. And its having faith that things work out for the best.

[Miss M]

Yep, he really was. It was 30 years ago when I first met him but I still clearly remember my initial thoughts. I thought "Wow, he's really ugly" and also "Wow, I really like him," no joke

 

Sounds like a start to a romantic comedy. I give it two thumbs up. 8) And once again you nail the whole ugliness/attractiveness issue.

Well, ugliness didn't detract from the underlying and overwhelming appeal. (and physical attractiveness wouldn't necessarily add to any appeal.) And from what these posters keep saying, I would think I'm strange that way, except I do see plenty of ugly guys in meaningful relationships. I still say it's the personality that has the most impact.

 

I liked him immediately because he's genuinely a caring person, very witty, and he's the kind of guy who's most interested in the person, not the outward appearance. But underneath all of that there is still an enormous feeling of self-doubt and unworthiness that eats at him. But I'm like that too, so I guess I can also understand that confusing paradox

 

That makes three of us. On my side it has to do with experiences growing up, my naturally shy nature, pressure I put on myself to be perfect (yep, being a perfectionist is killer), and that I tend to see things differently then most so it's like I don't fit in. Could those things explain his and your behavior?

Well, all of that explains me exactly, yes. I'm very hard on myself, a perfectionist, see things differently, and have lots of trouble regarding myself as valuable. And I definitely don't feel as if I fit in for the same reasons you state. But he is not a person I would describe that way. He's outgoing, makes friends easily, appears very comfortable with himself, gracious, and quickly puts others at ease. And I definitely wouldn't ever describe him as shy. In fact he would probably throw his head back and laugh at the thought of him being shy, and even throw in a few jokes about it. (he can make a funny joke out anything at all) He's also fun and funny, charming, engaging, warm. From outward appearances there's nothing shy about him. His insecurities are hidden far beneath the surface, but they are still powerful forces. He knows they're there, and he says they're the reason he will never remarry, why he turns down proposals. He'd just rather stay single than confront those insecurities.

 

As to "confidence," you said it very well. I'd also like say that confidence is being able to accept yourself, being able to trust yourself, being able to consider yourself as wothwhile, even when others don't. And when you hit a bad patch, it's being able to dig deep to find those things again so you can emerge from the muck. Confidence is when you know and trust that it's important to get off the bench, get back into the game. In a nutshell, confidence is resiliency and courage.

[Dre_7]

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

[Caldus]

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

 

Exactly, I think people are talking about something different here when they say 'confidence'.

[Dre_7]

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

 

Exactly, I think people are talking about something different here when they say 'confidence'.

 

I think confidence in terms of attraction is poise, and the look of a go-getter. It has more to do with posture, gait and stature than anything else. But it stems from what Miss M and Shy talk about in their definitions. You can fake the appearance of confidence which I mentioned, but you can't fake being resillient and courageous as Miss M put it.

[Caldus]

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

 

Exactly, I think people are talking about something different here when they say 'confidence'.

 

I think confidence in terms of attraction is poise, and the look of a go-getter. It has more to do with posture, gait and stature than anything else. But it stems from what Miss M and Shy talk about in their definitions. You can fake the appearance of confidence which I mentioned, but you can't fake being resilisent and courageous as Miss M put it.

 

I agree.

 

Media plays a role too.

[Miss M]

Wow Caldus, Dre, you guys ask such tough questions... but also that's good. Don't let us off with the easy answers, eh?

 

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

The confidence I was describing is the type that covers it all. The confidence that relates to attraction and the confidence that gets one through life are the same thing as far as I'm concerned.

 

When a guy is confident, it seems like a strength, and strength is attractive. Confidence is all about a strong sense of self-worth, and when a guy values himself, believes in himself, it seems he also will value those he loves. That's not necessarily what happens, but I think that's how I interpret confidence when I see it. If a guy is full of self-doubt, doesn't trust himself, it seems as if he also won't trust me. And I find that feels precarious, scary, insecure. And if he seems as if he is confident, able to assert himself enough to require others to treat him justly, then it seems he will also require others to give good treatment to those he loves. Again, it could be a misread, but that's how it reads at first glance. These are explanations of gut reactions to a display of confidence.

 

On the other hand, there are women who specifically go after guys who seem to LACK confidence. Some women interpret confidence as evidence that the guy will try to dominate them, and they are afraid of that, or they don't find that appealing. Those women might specifically look for guys who lack confidence. And the type of women who likes to dominate the guy will even interpret lack of confidence as a turn-on.

 

Fake confidence, or posturing as if one is courageous when it's not genuine, that happens a lot, but that's not what I was talking about. Some guys probably display something fake, and that might work some of the time, sure. But often the bogus stuff is easily detectable. Or else it eventually falls apart later on. When I've gotten duped by that it just felt as if I had wasted my time, like I had been lied to. If you're into faking it, you might try want to try that, but that's not what I was talking about, not what I'd recommend.

 

Some guys fake the confidence by trying to overpower the woman. I guess he's trying to show her that he's the dominant one over her, like relationships are a hierarchy and he's in charge of her. That's not what I'm talking about either.

 

And I don't consider any of this a final or complete definition. I really think the confidence thing is very complicated, multi-layered.

[Dre_7]

Wow Caldus, Dre, you guys ask such tough questions... but also that's good. Don't let us off with the easy answers, eh?

 

So how do we define confidence as it relates to attraction? Shy and Miss M gave great definitions of confidence, but is that the same confidence that people find attractive? Or is that the confidence that gets us through life? Or both? lol

The confidence I was describing is the type that covers it all. The confidence that relates to attraction and the confidence that gets one through life are the same thing as far as I'm concerned.

 

When a guy is confident, it seems like a strength, and strength is attractive. Confidence is all about a strong sense of self-worth, and when a guy values himself, believes in himself, it seems he also will value those he loves. That's not necessarily what happens, but I think that's how I interpret confidence when I see it. If a guy is full of self-doubt, doesn't trust himself, it seems as if he also won't trust me. And I find that feels precarious, scary, insecure. And if he seems as if he is confident, able to assert himself enough to require others to treat him justly, then it seems he will also require others to give good treatment to those he loves. Again, it could be a misread, but that's how it reads at first glance. These are explanations of gut reactions to a display of confidence.

 

On the other hand, there are women who specifically go after guys who seem to LACK confidence. Some women interpret confidence as evidence that the guy will try to dominate them, and they are afraid of that, or they don't find that appealing. Those women might specifically look for guys who lack confidence. And the type of women who likes to dominate the guy will even interpret lack of confidence as a turn-on.

 

Fake confidence, or posturing as if one is courageous when it's not genuine, that happens a lot, but that's not what I was talking about. Some guys probably display something fake, and that might work some of the time, sure. But often the bogus stuff is easily detectable. Or else it eventually falls apart later on. When I've gotten duped by that it just felt as if I had wasted my time, like I had been lied to. If you're into faking it, you might try want to try that, but that's not what I was talking about, not what I'd recommend.

 

Some guys fake the confidence by trying to overpower the woman. I guess he's trying to show her that he's the dominant one over her, like relationships are a hierarchy and he's in charge of her. That's not what I'm talking about either.

 

And I don't consider any of this a final or complete definition. I really think the confidence thing is very complicated, multi-layered.

 

Well said Miss M! lol, see what happens when guys try to discuss something related to women, it becomes a back and forth set of questions with no definitive answers lol.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Let's take a poll on how many confident guys get girls vs. good looking guys. I bet it isn't even close. How is someone like me supposed to be confident in his outward appearance when no one is attracted to you? How am I supposed to be sure of myself when girls are not sure of me?

 

A female friend of mine told me a story one day about a guy who she saw in this club she works in. He was well dressed, had a ton of confidence, not arragance, and was playful. But he was not physically attractive. He went to the club about 3 or 4 times within a two week period and must've walked up to and talked to dozens of women. He didn't get one phone number. Not one. My friend said it had nothing to do with his confidence, it was simply because he was unattractive. She could see it in the girl's reactions. I bet if you gave him an attractive appearance, he'll get women in droves. I will almost guarentee that a good looking guy sitting alone at a bar will get more phone numbers that someone with a ton of confidence and an ounce of good looks.

 

On of my best friends is exactly like me. I met him in college and he is a year older than I am. I think we are Soul Twins so to speak. Same mannerisms. Same soft spoken way of speaking. Same likes. Same dislikes. Same hatred of love. Same situations. But here's the kicker: he gets women. I don't. He never approaches them. Neither do I. But he gets them. So again, how the hell is someone like me supposed to be confident in my outward appearance when no one is attracted to me?!!!

 

Everywhere we go, he gets women fawning over him. Imagine how I feel about that?!! We went away on a trip once to Argentina and every day he had women smiling at him, waving at him, giving him the eye. I was IGNORED. On the plane ride back home he got a phone number.

 

No one will ever ever ever change my mind about confidence until I see it. Don't tell me you can't fake it. My friend faked it for a while until he actually got some. When he faked it, he got girls. Why? Because he's hot.

 

Telling us ugly guys to walk around with confidence is just a cop out to say that someone somewhere waaaaay over the rainbow will like you for who you are and not how you look. Miss M.'s situation is rare. It can happen I won't argue with that, but so can hitting the lotto. I'll take my chances with the lotto.

[Caldus]

A female friend of mine told me a story one day about a guy who she saw in this club she works in. He was well dressed, had a ton of confidence, not arragance, and was playful. But he was not physically attractive. He went to the club about 3 or 4 times within a two week period and must've walked up to and talked to dozens of women. He didn't get one phone number. Not one. My friend said it had nothing to do with his confidence, it was simply because he was unattractive. She could see it in the girl's reactions. I bet if you gave him an attractive appearance, he'll get women in droves. I will almost guarentee that a good looking guy sitting alone at a bar will get more phone numbers that someone with a ton of confidence and an ounce of good looks.

 

Well guess why? Because of the environment he is in. Guess what kind of girls would frequent clubs? Would they really worth his time in the first place? Guess.

 

Telling us ugly guys to walk around with confidence is just a cop out to say that someone somewhere waaaaay over the rainbow will like you for who you are and not how you look. Miss M.'s situation is rare. It can happen I won't argue with that, but so can hitting the lotto. I'll take my chances with the lotto.

 

Sure, but at least you can start working on your appearance then. Work out, practice good hygiene, wear decent (not preppy, I hate preppy ****) clothes, and so on. You can do that for yourself at least if you think you're just so ugly.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Sure, but at least you can start working on your appearance then. Work out, practice good hygiene, wear decent (not preppy, I hate preppy ****) clothes, and so on. You can do that for yourself at least if you think you're just so ugly.

I did already. my hygiene is good and I get complemented on my clothes. I have worked out for two years now. I just suck at looking good.

[wlfpack81]

Kyoshiro Ogari I agree w/everything you said in that post. But why waste our time!? People are going to keep feeding us this Hollywood BS to make us not feel good but at least we know the truth of the matter. Life is just life and it can be crappy for certain people concerning certain aspects be it born ugly or born short, or born to tall etc.

[Miss M]

Let's take a poll on how many confident guys get girls vs. good looking guys. I bet it isn't even close.

Well, let's say you have this poll, and it proves you're right. What then? Would that somehow make you feel better? And would you spend the next 50 years waving the poll results in people's faces?

 

How is someone like me supposed to be confident in his outward appearance when no one is attracted to you? How am I supposed to be sure of myself when girls are not sure of me?

Do you need it from them first before you can believe it? I'd suggest that whatever you get externally from others isn't worth much. It's much better to get it from yourself, from within, but I guess that would require thinking in a whole new way, and trusting yourself?

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Do you need it from them first before you can believe it? I'd suggest that whatever you get externally from others isn't worth much. It's much better to get it from yourself, from within, but I guess that would require thinking in a whole new way, and trusting yourself?

That would be good if I were trying to date myself or if it involved anything else other than attracting the opposite sex. I have confidence when I am presented with a complicated problem to solve because I know I can either solve it or get closer to the solution. I was confident in school because I got good grades. When I played sports I was confident that I could help my team win because I did it before and I could do it again. When I play video games, I am confident that I can win because I've done it before and I can do it again. If I can't solve the problem, got a poor grade, caused my team to lose or got my butt whipped in Tekken, I have all the confidence that I can tackle and defeat the next challenges. But since I have not had any success with women, yet those around me do, I have no confidence in my looks. What I feel about myself means nothing when it comes to dating if no girl out there finds me attractive. For 30 days straight I can jump out of bed, click my heels, shower, shave, put on some dapper clothers, walk out with oodles of confidence, but if I get turned down left and right day after day then little by little my confidence goes down and eventually I am back to square one.

 

Good looking guys have confidence because they know they can physically attract a female. Us ugly guys don't have confidence because we know we can't attract the opposite sex. What if I were to switch bodies with a good looking guy who has a ton of confidence. I know my confidence will skyrocket and I'm pretty sure his will plummett. Why do so many people complain about being ugly? There has to be a reason. If looks wasn't so important in the dating world, we wouldn't complain about our looks. We'd whine about something else that holds us back. I wouldn't complain so much if I didn't have control over looking good. I've dressed up. My hygeine is good. I smile, laugh, tell jokes, engage in conversation, but I am not easy on the eyes. I was dealt a bad hand in the looks department and I often find myself going up against royal flushes or four aces.

 

To be fair, I know I don't try enough. I know I don't advertise myself as much as I should. But that is because I can sense that no woman wants me as a partner. I see the vibes good lookers get. I get the opposite.

 

Does anyone else feel this way?

[Miss M]

Wow, Kyoshiro, you're on a roll today, aren't you?

 

For 30 days straight I can jump out of bed, click my heels, shower, shave, put on some dapper clothers, walk out with oodles of confidence,

Hehe, I really liked that part where you clicked your heels. \

 

but if I get turned down left and right day after day then little by little my confidence goes down and eventually I am back to square one.

Getting turned down left and right, day after day? Really? Does that mean you've been making moves on girls day after day and they all been saying no, left and right, day after day?

 

To be fair, I know I don't try enough. I know I don't advertise myself as much as I should. But that is because I can sense that no woman wants me as a partner. I see the vibes good lookers get. I get the opposite.

Ah, you see, there you went and changed your story again.

 

Hey, last week a guy told me I look 35. So if I came to NY, would you go out with me? I haven't been on a date in years. ;-)

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Hey, last week a guy told me I look 35. So if I came to NY, would you go out with me? I haven't been on a date in years. ;-)

 

Shoot, don't have to ask me twice. \

[Miss M]

Shoot, don't have to ask me twice. \

Ah, well then, now we'll have to figure out how to arrange it. ;-)

 

In the meantime... now that you have paused in your rant, ;-) ...

I'd like to go back to something you said....

 

When I asked you if you needed women to find you attractive before you could believe it, you gave me the long spiel about how after putting in effort to improve your skills, you could see the results, and those results provide the convincing proof. But I wanted to ask you if you've put in that same amount of effort with women. I suspect you haven't. And with other things you seem to have believed beforehand that doing certain things will give you a certain favorable result. And you struck out in faith of that belief to make some moves in that direction. So have you done that exact same kind of thing, put in that much faith and effort in regard to relationships?

 

Another thing... you compared yourself to a guy who was getting all the attention from women while you get none. I don't understand why you feel the need to do that. Why make that kind of comparison? Despite what others say, relationships aren't about a numbers game. Comparing yourself to him is just making you miserable. For example, I get lots of attention from guys, but I'm very flat-chested. When a very buxom woman shows up, then all eyes shift from me to her. So comparing myself to her, using that as a way to prove to myself that being flat-chested is keeping me out of a meaningful relationship doesn't make much sense. If a guy really needs huge breasts to be content in a relationship, if he can be distracted by that, that says a lot about him but doesn't say anything about my worthiness. That just means he's really got a thing for big breasts and is no reflection on me personally. I suggest you stop comparing yourself to a guy who is vastly different from you, or wanting the kinds of girls who go after him. That's pointless.

 

And the other point I want to make...

I've been on the receiving end of plenty of attention from the opposite sex. I know what it feels like to be the prettiest girl in the room, desired buy lots of guys. It just ain't what it's cracked up to be. Unless you're interested in shallow relationships, hopping in and out of bed with shallow people, getting all that attention gets real old real quick. And I also don't find that it boosts my self-esteem because being approached by that type, regarded in that way, that just makes me feel like a meaningless object, certainly not like anything special.

 

My reason for jumping in this thread in the first place is that I don't think that kind of attention solves the loneliness problem. If it did, then I wouldn't feel as lonely as I do. There are a lot of other factors that have to do with why people are lonely. It's a lot more complicated than you make it. And I'm so fed up with those types of superficial guys who think I'm beautiful that I'm not even wanting to go out anymore. I don't like the game where guys look at me, and misinterpret my outward appearance into something irrelevant. How many available guys (or girls) are there who know how to look beyond the surface stuff? I think the whole "attractiveness" thing is a stupid game, played by shallow men and women who are easily impressed by the meaningless surface stuff. And no matter how many guys think I'm attractive, I don't want to play that game, and I don't fit in that crowd. I want the guy who's inwardly accepting of himself, the one that can look beyond the surface when he sees me. When you say you want to be admired by women so you will feel attractive, I don't think you realize what you're asking for.

 

Also according to my ex, he had a beautiful wife who loved him dearly, who was devoted to him and the marriage, and he was still so very miserable that he ruined the marriage. He's a really sweet guy, even now, but in the marriage he became more and more abusive and cruel. How I looked and acted towards him couldn't fix the inward dissatisfaction and self-hatred he felt at his depths. And having the attention of a lot of adoring women won't fix it for you, even though I understand why it would seem that way.

 

And all of that is why I said...

I'd suggest that whatever you get externally from others isn't worth much. It's much better to get it from yourself, from within, but I guess that would require thinking in a whole new way, and trusting yourself?

 

Also, you didn't answer my other question...

Well, let's say you have this poll, and it proves you're right. What then? Would that somehow make you feel better? And would you spend the next 50 years waving the poll results in people's faces?

It was a sincere question. What will you do for the rest of your life if the poll proves you're right?

[Dre_7]

Kyoshiro,

 

I like when you said that you have the confidence to slove problems, to play sports, and to get good grades. Do you know why you have confidence in those things? Because you have a great understanding of yourself and thus, you developed your ability in those areas of your life. Now, let's put that in the context of attraction.

 

Any confidence you get from your looks, the way you dress etc. is as fleeting as confidence in material things. Why? Because it's superficial. You know how people who can't get dates say that everybody is superficial? Then they go into self-defacing mode and start saying it's because they're ugly, and unattractive...Well, they're just as superficial as the so called "good-looking" people who are obsessed with their looks. Because they obsess about their looks so much, they forget to learn to love and develop themselves. That is why people complain about being ugly. Unfortunately, the seeds they plant in their mind about being ugly, start to take root in their inner person. Subsequently, they develop anger and bitterness...and become real jerks.

 

A smile will go a long way (good that you said you smile already), a polite gesture goes a long way. If you see a person that you see frequently, look them in the eye, smile and say hi. I don't only mean girls either, be nice to everyone. For the simple fact that you just never know who's looking, you might just attract somebody being a real nice guy. Not the "nice guys" who claim to be nice because they aren't able to sleep around and have their pick of women.

 

Over time, looks fade...then what happens? The people that relied so much on just their looks to get them by find themselves empty and unhappy. It seems unlikely now, especially since we're all in the prime of our lives. It might seem to you that the outward beauty that people have is like an infinite attribute, that is not the case. On the other hand, inner beauty lasts a lifetime, find an elderly person who has truly enjoyed the fullness of life. You'll find that they're the most pleasant people to talk to. Gain an appreciation for the things you don't understand, so that you will learn more about and appreciate what you do understand.

 

You know how they say that love will find you when you're not looking? It's true if you spend so much time focusing on valuing yourself, you won't have time to feel lonely. You can have a relationship without loving your self, but you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself.

 

One last thing, it's like Miss M said, stop comparing yourself to other guys. Like you, I play a sport..do you think if I compared myself to all the players above me that I'd improve? Nope, I'd get down on myself and my efforts would seem futile. On the other hand, If I tell myself that I can be better compared to what I AM, then I will improve. Always, compare yourself to what you could be, not what others are.