N/C for us, but does the return silence effect the dumper !

[scorchio]

I am trying to keep strong, and slowly I am moving on and remaining focused in that, hey! I even saw a nice girl walk past me yesterday and though wow! there are nice girls out there lol.

 

but it dosent stop me wanting that text or email out of blue,

I miss her alot, 4 1/2months split up.

 

do the dumpers feelings tear them apart down the line eventually, we the dumpees are going through the heartache and pain at momement , do the dumpers get that tearing missing feeling eventually ? i.e the regrets or the grass isnt always greener etc.

Cant help but think that in them it is stored up and will break out eventually

 

 

Im silent through N/C (helping me move on, YES!)

but this must have a knock on effect I would think on the dumper, make them wonder or curious.!

 

 

thoughts anyone, just interested.

[RooferGirl23]

I have only been the dumper 3 times in life.. one time i totally wanted this guy gone.. he went to Jail for doing bad things to his daughter, so i had absolutly no regrets on that at all.

The other, i did b/c i met another guy and was blinded by love, thought i was getting into something better, and it was not, and i heavaly regretted dumping him. I missed him, and told him that. We tried to start again, but i found out that I was no longer in serious love with him and eneded up dumping him again.

We have remained good friends.

So i thik it can go both ways, it just depends on the situation.

[skyjuice]

Hi scorchio,

 

This is my situation, though it might be different, I hope it will help.

 

I started No Contact for nearly a month. Yesterday, I decided I had griefed enough for this relationship. I message my ex saying that the best way to move on is to delete all the contact details--the email address, the phone numbers, address, and etc. --we are very far apart now. I even post back his gift.

 

He reply asking me whether I want to be his friend. Well, I said ok. At the early of the breakup, he does not even want to be my friend. Now, I have not heard from him yet but I am not planning to wait for him anymore. Well, I lost a lover, got a new friend. LOL.

[tman]

Dude i share your pain.

 

Coming up to 10 months of nc apart from a couple of emails/IM's at the 6 months stage which did not amount ot much.... except for what I now believe was a way for her to check up on me to satisfy her own curiosity/ego which I fed really well (wont be making that mistake again).

How it affects the dumper? .... that's the hardest part all the second guessing, trying to figure out what is going on in their minds will just drive you crazy. Without posessing some special powers of mind reading its something you will not know, unless you can get some inside info (family, friends).

 

So keep strong dude and be prepared for the eventuality that she may not be in contact for a long time, if ever. And that if/when she does contact it may not be for the reasons you are hoping for.

 

Let it go dude. The time will pass quicker and less painful if you dont keep focussing on it. I told you before that when my ex did contact me it took me by surprise, i was not expecting it and had almost stoppped thinking about her every day because I had got on with my life and stayed happy for myself.

 

I know how hard it is and the emotions you must be feeling but you've got to do this for yourself.

[scorchio]

I realise N/C is for me, but afraid that if she meets someone in that time that then becomes fading hope for me.

[tman]

I'll quote myself from my previous post.

 

that's the hardest part all the second guessing, trying to figure out what is going on in their minds will just drive you crazy.

 

You can't afford to spend time thinking of things like this. It is a possibility that she might get with someone else and is another level of the break-up that you will have to deal with. One reason for my nc is that i know that I can not handle this type of info about my ex, and would rather not know what she may be up to. I have even had to shy away from contact with her family because of this. As long as she is safe and well that is enough info for me.

 

Another thing is that if you do think of these things try to be positive in your approach. View it as "yes she may be seeing someone else but perhaps this will show her what she is missing in me". Egotistical yes but better than wallowing in self pityand getting depressed. If you were good to her in the relationship and there was love there it will be impossible for any new rebound guy to wipe away any memories she may have of you and she will most defiantely be making comparisons.

 

Hopefully then, her meeting someone else will not cause fading hope but will be a helpful leg up.

[SuperDave71]

My simple answer to that qustion is this...

 

 

 

NC is for you.....do not waste time wondering what they are thinking....Why? Because you are wasting valuable time and taking away from YOUR time. I know it's difficult. Trust me..I have been there. There are no guarantees in NC. THe only thing it allows you to do is break away from bad habits and possibly pushing them away even further by doing stupid things like calling or e-mailing etc etc. You must remember, there was a reason for the breakup. You must work on you. Telling someone you will change and showing someone are 2 different things in my opinion. Be strong and work on yourself. Don't set yourself up for defeat by assuming by calling or contacting them that this is what THEY want. It's what you want....and if you truly love the EX.....you will demonstrate that love by giving them what they ask for....freedom.

 

 

Remember this...If you do nothing...no mistakes can occur. If you think outside the box and tell yourself...If I just call to check on them or drive by their home....they will see this as caring...... **WARNING** Leave them alone....This usually backfires. It is seen as controlling and manipulative...not by you but the other party. Stop that thought from entering your head before its too late.

 

If you look around...this forum is FULL of those who did the very thing that pushed their ex further away by doing the very thing the ex lover told them NOT to do.....Be careful!!!

 

 

 

 

--Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[FCTex]

I've been broken up for one month today..

 

I did NC from the start.. broke it alot.. she broke it a few times.. not as much as I did. I went solid 2 weeks.. She broke it once a week from then on..

 

I'm moving on, feeling good, going out.. She called me last night, upset.. wants to see me now.. wants to know if I miss her like she misses me, wants to know if I think of her everyday, because she does..

 

She's giving me the feeling that she wants me back. I don't think she liked the fact that I moved on, and I didnt tag along, and call and text her.. Made her wonder if I even cared anymore...

 

So keep it up guys. NC is for YOU.. But in some cases it's for both. They feel the brutal reality of it once your gone, and if they cared, they'lll be upset. If not, then your better off in the end..

[SuperDave71]

FCTex,

 

 

 

You are a perfect example of what to do in your situation....

 

 

 

Nothing...

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[FCTex]

It's true...

 

For the first week, my crying, begging, texting, calling, and slamming in the door at work to talk to her, didn't help.

 

Me wanting to meet her at church, hold her hand, and ask for a kiss.. Didnt help..

 

It pushed her away actually..

 

Only once did I get strong enough to just.. LET GO. Did things fall in place.

 

I didnt call, didnt e-mail. Didnt text, didnt visit. I was gone. I might as well have been dead for all she knew.. Only then, would she slowly break the NC, with a random "how are you" call, or a "i thought you'd like this cd" text....

 

It went on from there to "Please answer me, please call.. Can we meet up tonight, tomorrow, this weekend? Whenever?!"

 

If nothing come of us again. I'm fine.. Hurt maybe that it really wasn't meant to be, but nothing like the break up. Nothing close. I can hang my head up. I can walk outside, get in my car, listen to happy music, and go see another pretty lady just down the road.

[scorchio]

thanks for the advice

 

I am finding it difficult its a hard 4 1/2months of being split up.

 

I hope she does miss me or come back

 

but I am going to be strong and stay with the N/C

 

I want to try desperately move on, I really do.

 

But it does seem also the effect of moving on can hit home big time with dumpers, reading alot of posts that comes up all the time, the act of moving on shakes the other person up and they see wot they are missing.

 

I am doing this for me

 

im trying to tell myself its her loss, she one day I hope will see this and come back,

but maybe, just maybe it might be too late for her

 

 

does anyone think 4 1/2months is very long, it feels like it to me at momement. LOL

feels like ive been swept under carpet and forgotten by her.

or is it 4 1/2months of hell for her too, im not sure. Hope it has some effect on her.

[rascal]

depending on how long you were together and whether or not they are with someone new, there is NO WAY they have forgotten about you. they might not have gone through the hell that you have, but they do think about you. not every minute of every day, but trust me, they think of you. but hang tough, you've made it this far, don't screw it up now by calling "just to check in." don't do it.

[SuperDave71]

Rascal...

 

 

 

I could NOT have said it better myself!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[scorchio]

if they had someone else, dont know if she has, spose i never will know that.

 

would that spell disaster of any hope in future etc

[coooolsome]

Hey, its better that you don't know if she has someone. I realized today that if you want to feel better, then its better to not know what is going on in their life. It will just hurt you more in the long run. It is better to heal yourself, work on yourself, become a better person. She wants to fall in love with the person you were when you first met. Not a depressed, love-stricken puppy. Show her you are better than you were. Hell, if she doesnt take you back, you are still a better person for someone else.

 

Im feeling the same way you are but mine has only been 1.5 weeks lol. I am having my up and down days and I think of her a lot. Go workout, go to a bar with friends, go outside and live life as if it was the last day on earth. Try to forget about her. I know this isnt what you want to hear, b/c its not what I want to hear either, but become a better person for yourself, her, or the next girl that comes along.