Is it bad if he has more fun with friends than with me?

[melrich]

I don't know of any couples who spend time away from eachother, and time with friends instead of eachother...

 

I agree with you Xmrth. Sure sometimes you have a boys night out or girls night out or go to the ball game, but couples in their 20s should be spending a lot of their spare time together or with friends together.

 

Having two separate and distinct social lives will never work.

[xmrth]

I got to see the therapist for a bit, but my real session will be next week. I have a really good feeling about her, too, which is good. She had me talk to her, and tell her some of my issues. She was actually impressed that I could give her such good information... it makes me happy I'm telling her exactly what I need to for her to be able to help me, but it also makes me realize how rediculous I am. She doesn't think I'll need to be sent anywhere else, and at first I thought I would if she's saying that, but now I think it will be okay. I haven't even had my first real session, so we'll see.

 

Thanks for all your replies, everyone. Thanks so much. I'd put a smiley face but they all look so cheesy, so pretend that a tasteful one is here, haha.

[DN]

Well done. Hope all goes well for you.

[Hope75]

Hi xmrth,

 

I think it's great that you feel comfortable with your therapist already, and don't be afraid to talk to her about this, she is here to help you work through your issues, not to judge you.

 

Hopefully she will be able to put some perspective on this for you.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[xmrth]

So here's a little update:

I've had a couple of sessions so far and meet with my therapist once a week. I haven't had more than maybe 45 minute sessions because of the class I have right before it always getting out so late, so right now it's like she's still just getting to understand my whole situations-- but she's making me realize alot of things from what I have gotten to tell her so far. I've still told her pretty much everything, but it's more like she's helping me with new information that I've given her, and I am waiting for the weeks to come where she can help me with information that we've gone through and through again and is most familiar to her about my situations.

 

So far in just a couple of weeks:

I'm able to go days without calling my boyfriend so it gives him the chance to call me and not feel so smothered. I don't even call him more than once if he doesn't get to pick up the phone! He seems to call me more, probably because I'm not the one initiating. He even noticed which is great, and I told him that I realize I've stopped calling so much so he knows I know what I'm doing and it's not just by chance or anything.

I've learned to trust my own trust in him which takes away alot of uncertainty. That is the biggest issue, like with him being out with friends and not with me (like what this post is about) and what if he can't make it over, or can't call, etc. I've started to feel like it's perfectly fine and not the end of the world..

Like for example, he came over tonight which was great-- he can't this weekend because he has family plans, so he made up for it tonight, a night I almost never see him on. So then there's tomorrow and there's the question of whether or not he'll be able to make it over. He said he would, but it's just the fact that he may not be able to, even though he never said he couldn't, just that there's a time he has to leave to go with his family, but may wait until tomorrow to do (the family thing is just another story, nothing big) so I feel really anxious about whether or not I'll see him and that I have to and I have to know right away and all this other stuff. Just things like this are the biggest problem... all the uncertainty. And there's really no uncertainty, just a .5% chance he may not come over and in my head it's like a 90% chance he might not be able to... and then it's all about figuring out why it really bothers me and why it's really fine if he doesn't make it for whatever reason and whatnot. So right now I feel worried and anxious and I really have to figure out why I even do and see why it's fine... even if for whatever reason he goes out without his family-- which he wouldn't in this case-- I have to understand for myself that it's all going to be fine no matter what... and it's hard for me, but I know I'm getting there from these appointments.

[DN]

Sounds like it's working - but you have a way to go yet. The good news is that you are becoming much more self-aware and self confident. Well done, and keep it up.

[Hope75]

Sounds like your therapist is helping you to see how destructive your insecurity is. Glad to hear you are taking strides to correct it and seeing the improvement in your relationship. I think you will find yourself enjoying it more when you feel less anxious and insecure about it.

[xmrth]

It's been a while that I've been going to see my therapist, and I have improved in some areas, but other areas things are not getting better in. Like the topic of this post...

My boyfriend sees me every Friday night and Saturday night, and his friends want him to "come out" and I guess one asked him what he's doing by not coming out anymore...

He wants to be able to cancel on me if his friends want to do something if he and I don't have plans to go out anywhere in particular (like if we're just going to stay in at my house-- but we have so much fun together just being around eachother... I suppose if we don't have plans to go to an actual place then it's different..?)

I told him it makes me feel like a doormat if that's what he wants to do, but it's only going to be once in a while. Possibly once a month; I don't know about 2 or so. No idea. He jsut said once in a while... I'm really just afraid I've made a bad choice of even being upset about it-- though I did agree that it's fine, once in a while.

 

My problem is that I just don't know how I feel about it. It upsets me because it's nights that couples are together it seems, and also yes people go out like friends and whatnot.

I'm afraid too if maybe what his friends say will influence him and what he does. I asked him if his friend never asked him what he's doing by not coming out anymore if he'd not feel like he should be with them, and he said he'd still feel the same way saying what they say doesn't influence him. I'm jsut afraid because he goes to the gym with this friend every day during the week and what if he tells him to break up with me or something... I don't know. He says I'm just being paranoid, which I know I am... I'm afraid I've messed everything up. I asked him if everything's okay between us, he said yes... asked if he's mad at me, he said no just aggravated... I'm still going to have a crappy day until he calls me.

[melrich]

So you guys are early 20s and not living together? That's ahrd because the nights you are wanting to spend together are also the most favoured nights for going out with friends.

 

My partner and I live together so we see each other a lot obviously. I do go out once in a while without her on weekend nites because I think everyone needs time to enjoy there old friendships.

 

I think you have to compromise but I would say that he should be prepared to go out with his friends only once per fortnight, not every weekend.

 

(PS. Out of interest, why don't you go out with him with his friends?)

[xmrth]

I think that the compromise that I have in mind (which now I'm starting to wonder if this is what he meant, however he did say yesterday that he'd just see me another day instead of whatever weekend night) is him seeing me from morning until early evening on a Saturday once in a while in which he can go out with his friends later on. That I would be fine with because I could still spend time with him on that day. I want to call him back and tell him that's what I meant, but he said things are fine between us, and so I'm TRYING really hard to just let it go...

 

Well, I can't go out with him and his friends for a long long story... nothing horribly bad, just that his friends are not my crowd as he says-- very rowdy, some into drugs, though NOTHING like my boyfriend and he'd never turn into them. They're childhood friends of his. I suppose they don't do anything that I'd really fit in going to. Also since we've been going out 6 years he sees no reason why I have to be there. It's true though that there's nothing he and his friends would do that I'd have any fun at. That's a long story short, though. I really rather would just spend alone time with him anyways.

 

And no, we are not living together. I only see him Friday and Saturday nights as well because of conflicting shcedules in a way.

[RayKay]

 

(PS. Out of interest, why don't you go out with him with his friends?)

 

I think she has said on a few threads (including this one I believe) that he um, does not like to mix her and his friends, tells her she would be "bored" or they don't do anything fun, and so forth.

 

Personally I find it all very odd that he would separate things so much and NEVER have her around his friends (no double dates, no group things, nothing) but xmrth seems to say she is okay with it... I find it hard to believe ALL his friends are that terrible and somehow he would not be doing something similar to them - childhood friends or not, if you don't agree with what you friends do when they are out, generally you will limit your contact with them...I don't know..maybe you won't be the best of friends with them, but there must be SOME things you guys can do together at some point?

 

I think xmrth you feel about it how you DO feel about it. It's not about how you SHOULD feel, it is about what you DO feel. I think that while sometimes you do get too anxious about things and about how he feels, I also believe there is some basis in why you feel that way. I still don't understand why you are NEVER included in his plans. Sure there are times my partner goes out without me, but even those times I am often invited, I just have other things to do. Most of the time, we prefer to do things TOGETHER unless it really is not feasible or we both have separate commitments. We are a couple, we are partners, and we don't separate one another from the rest of our lives - friends included.

 

Your boyfriend DOES have to go out on his own and see his friends, definitely, but I don't know why he can't include you in those plans more often, so its not so divided all the time? And he can balance both.

 

Maybe his friends DO influence him, but bottom line is he is an adult and can make his own decisions on things, you know?

[melrich]

Yeah, after 6 years you should know his friends, in fact you should have some sort of history with his friends (shared experiences etc.)

 

You obviously really love this guy so my advice for the sake of the long term future of this relationship, would be to start pushing for some interaction with his friends. Like RayKay says, it does not have to be with all of them at once, do some double dating or such, work your way into it.

 

Look I find some of my partners friends total bores with whom I have nothing in common and some members of her family are not my type but you have to work through it for the sake of the relationship. You have to say well, they are his friends so they will be my friends too (or at least you will not openly display your distaste!!).

[DN]

I think he may not want to introduce her to his friends because she disapproves of them.

 

xmrth, I think it is ok for him to have his friends and you to have your friends. But what is important as a couple is to have joint friends. People you socialise with as couples. I think it would be a good thing for you to find a way to meet other couples that you can form friendships with and get an extended social circle to interact with.

[melrich]

But what is important as a couple is to have joint friends. People you socialise with as couples.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. You have to have friends as a couple.

[xmrth]

I try to get him to hang out with friends of my own, particularly couples, but he jsut won't. He has no interest in hanging out with my friends. I haven't let him know I dislike his friends by how they are for a while now. I've been interested in how they are and everything like that. Yesterday this was actually brought up again about the friends... he said "I have my friends, and you have your friends." As long as it's nothing personal with me, (personal like he's ashamed of me or something, which isn't the case) then I don't know... it doesn't bother me horribly in that case, but yes I'd like to hang with him and his friends. There's really no way for me to though. He lives so far away, long story short (already have explained this) but he comes to my house, I'm never at his. So it's not a case of just tagging along with him to see his friends. That's how I met them all in the first place, of course that was years and years ago. He says that should be enough too. It will probably bother me when he starts going out places. Though possibly when I'm 21 in another 9 months I'll be able to say "let's all go out to the bar." which I think will turn out to be a place where we'd all have a good time with hopefully another couple. That's what I have in mind at least of when it will get better in the case of his friends.

[melrich]

OK...it doesn't reallysound all that idael but at least you are looking to a time in the relatively near future that things may improve.

 

Certainly don't kid yourselves that if you guys are seeing this as long term then he can just have his friends and you can have yours.

[xmrth]

I have been thinking alot about what if we always hung out with eachother's friends and then he just wanted to stop... but we never actually have... ever. The only time I hung with his friends was just a quick stop by waaaay back when. His friends never bring their girlfriends out either, so maybe he just thinks this is the way it is and it's normal?

I don't know but it's just a thought I have.

[xmrth]

I'm realizing more of what it is that I'm afraid of with him hanging out with friends. I'm not afraid of him cheating because I know I can trust him when he goes out. But I am afraid of him finding another girl he likes more when he goes out with his friends. I know they'll want to go to bars, maybe clubs, maybe house parties. I just feel like why does it have to be those places? I'm really not comfortable with him going those places, though he always tells me he doesn't care if I go when I'm 21, or go to house parties now, or clubs I can get into now etc. but I don't know why I'm uncomfrotable, or why I trust him yet am afraid of him finding someone else. He's shown no signs of this at all, and there's nothing that could possibly show even a 1% possibility other than my own insecurity, and the fear alone makes it feel so possible. I don't know what to do. I'm going to talk to him about it on Friday, but I'm afraid of him feeling like I'm controlling him. I just want to tell him to hang out with his friends on a weekend night since it's then that he wants to once in a while, but skip the partying. He's not even a party person, though he drinks. I don't know. I don't see how things can work so perfectly and me never have anything to worry about. I just don't feel like I'm lucky enough to have things work out my way with no worries...

[RayKay]

I just want to tell him to hang out with his friends on a weekend night since it's then that he wants to once in a while, but skip the partying. He's not even a party person, though he drinks.

 

I don't think you would be "right" to tell him not to party - even if he's not a "party person" - I'm not either - it CAN be fun to go out on occasion and just well, party. It does not mean he needs to drink a lot, or get trashed, or out of hand - I sure don't, but it can be fun to go out as a group and socialize and have some fun banter, and just enjoy the evening.

And obviously he must enjoy it to some degree, or he would not do it. Sure, our partners should respect our feelings, but if they are almost irrational "don't party as I am insecure you will find someone better" then they should not cater to every whim. What happens if you decide that he should "not work as the girls there are hot", or "not go back to school as most people meet new partners at university/college".

 

You say you trust he won't cheat, but still, saying you worry he'll find someone "better" is about the same thing. The fact is there is ALWAYS someone better at something then us, or better looking, or more spontanous, or smarter. That does not mean they are the complete package for HIM or what he WANTS. He has shown MANY times he is committed to you....he has FAR more patience then I think most men would through all this, he obviously sees something in you he wants that he does not see in others.

[xmrth]

I just feel so threatened by other females when it comes to him, but I have no real reason at all. I try to think that no matter who I'd be dating they're going to be around girls at some point. And he's even said that, in which "there's going to be times where I'll have to talk to a girl" just generally speaking.

His friends have all kinds of female friends but from what I understand it's usually just the guys when they hang out. I know the ones with girlfriends don't bring their girls at least, but then now "come out tonight" means... what? These girls that the single friends are friends with could come in the picture... I just don't know what my deal is. This is ruining my whole life I can't stop letting it bother me.

I guess I just cannot stand the fact that a girl would ever even talk to him or maybe even touch his shoulder like some girls are with guys or something. It's so intense and I can't shake it off. Maybe it's just that all these years, especially going through all of highschool together, I never saw him talking to a girl at all so I'm not used to it. Not saying he does now, but I'm also not saying I'd want him to have.

 

And now I'm afriad beacuse all his friends are on MySpace, and even though he hates and doesn't know how to use the computer, I'm now paranoid he'll make a thing on there. It's like a flirt website, literally and there's been so many posts on here about relationships being ruined over that stupid site. Not that he'd do anything but again with the girls taking him away... I'm just afraid he'll want to do all things his friends do... there's possibly a little of that going on in which he likes to join his friends. I want him to be all mine, and nobody can touch him or influence him... but that could never happen with anyone.

 

I've just lost my mind; I think that's my problem. I don't know. I'm just a big worried thing.

[Hope75]

It is unreasonable to expect him to go through life in a plastic bubble or to be expected not to interact with females, which constitute more than half of the human population.

 

He is with YOU because he wants to be with YOU. That does not mean he can't or won't talk to other women in a friendly way, or socialize with them if he is at a party, but at the end of the night, he is still your boyfriend, right?

[xmrth]

That's true, but I'm just afraid of him liking to party so much that he wants to do it all the time and get rid of me. Or that he'd like any attention from females and want to take advantage of that and get rid of me for that reason, too.

I used to always work on a Saturday night and he'd go out with his friends and probably party, but I've stopped working the nights for maybe 1.5 years now. Now I'm afraid I've made him miss it, even though he's obviousely gone out several times within that time of course.

The thing is though is I know I'd feel this way about anyone I'd be dating and it's nothing with him. I guess that's a good thing because I know it's all me and not stemming from something with him, but I just have no idea how to get myself to let go and live... even with reasonable things like what you've said. I'm starting to think I'll never stop feeling this way and I'll always be worried and paranoid.

 

I was looking at a picture of us that was taken exactly 1 year ago (for Halloween, about a few days before it, or maybe a day before it) and I had worries then that never actually came true, and I always worried they would. Now a year later I look at that picture and how none of my worries came true, but even with that I can't stop worrying.

 

I'm sorry I keep posting here; I really appreciate all comments given. I really just need someone to talk to, especially people who are on a forum for relationships and things such as that.

[Hope75]

I'm just afraid of him liking to party so much that he wants to do it all the time and get rid of me. Or that he'd like any attention from females and want to take advantage of that and get rid of me for that reason, too.

 

If this happened, do you think he'd be the right guy for you, the one you'd want to stay with?

 

You are quite a worrier, and you say that it would be anyone you dated, not just him. Let's say your biggest fear DID happen, that he decided to leave you.

 

What would you do in that case?

 

Although it might be really hard to think about, maybe having a plan or an idea of what you might do, would help lessen your anxiety.

 

What do you think?

[xmrth]

That is really hard to answer... I'd probably go crazy and maybe never be the same again. I have thought about the possibility of me being with someone after him, and it can make me feel like if it did end that everything would be just fine and I can stop worrying for a bit. But then it hits me how I would really feel and I get scared and realize how different he is from other guys and how he is just so right for me. If I could stop worrying it would be perfect. There's just things that other guys have with them that I don't want to deal with. I could come up with a whole list of things. I bet if it didn't bother me so much, it would help to make me more calm knowing that he's not the end of my everything if it ever came down to it.

I know that would signify him not being the right guy if all my worries happened, but then I think I'd lose all hope of ever being happy with anyone. And I do not stay with him because I'd not be happy with anyone else. I am very happy with what I have with him, but I can't get myself to enjoy it with all my worrying.

[Hope75]

I can't get myself to enjoy it with all my worrying

.

 

You were going to talk with your therapist about anti anxiety meds.

 

Did you?

 

How did that go?

 

Is it something you would consider?

 

I worry that this relationship can't survive with your stress level as it is, and I know you tend to keep alot of this from your bf, but if it comes out, I suspect he might have enough and want to leave.

 

Plus, how much fun is this relationship for you when you are always worrying that he will leave of the quantity of time he spends with you? Are you having fun at all?