Is it bad if he has more fun with friends than with me?

[xmrth]

This post developes more as the pages go on.

I was talking to my boyfriend tonight about this. It's not that he sees them so much more than me or anything-- he spends good enough time with me. But it seems as though he has so much more fun with friends than with me, and I also asked him straight out in which he said "yeah, I have alot of fun with them" and basically that they're just different than me. "You're my girlfriend" as he says, obviousely, but he says it like it's so much different.

 

I have friends, but not close ones like he has. He has childhood friends... basically almost all of them are, so they're all really close.

Hanging out all together isn't an option as I've said before, because they are definitely not my crowd of people, and are also much different than my boyfriend.

 

Is it really bad that he has more fun with his friends...? (they are all male) Is it really just a different type of fun? I try to imagine what he might feel, and I can almost slightly understand, but I don't have much friends like him and am definitely not close to the few I have as he is with his own.

 

I can't stand it because when he's with them, I just feel like he's having so much more fun than he does with me, and it hurts.

 

I can understand needing fun time outside of the relationship, but it makes it even more hard to accept because I feel bad that he may have so much more fun with them than me... =\

[stratguy620]

Ive been in your shoes before. Let me tell you, it doesnt get any easier, and even if you do bring it up, its very unlikely that any kind of change will occur. In order for a relationship to work, both people should have similar opinions about spending time together...

[Hope75]

xmrth,

 

This has been an ongoing theme with you, this insecurity and jealousy.

 

Are you back in school now, and have insurance? You really should be talking to a counselor about this.

 

It is not a contest about who he has "more" fun with. These are two different types of relationships, and can't really be compared, and it is really unfair of you to ask him that. If you feel your own friendships with others are underdeveloped than that is something that you know you need to work on, no one can do that for you. Don't make it a competition though, it isn't fair to your boyfriend to feel everything he does outside the relationship will be compared to time spent with you.

 

Remember when we talked before and people told you that if you didn't get this insecurity under control that you would drive your boyfriend away? If you keep it up that may happen.

 

This guy has been with you for 5+ years and had always shown you that he loves and cares for you. This really has more to do with you then it does with him, and you mentioned that you would be seeking counseling once you were back in classes, I think now is a good time to start that.

[ReadyorNot]

I cant say that I dont get jealous cause I do, but I have a few really close friends and I get excited when I am out with them because its just the girls and we can do things that I wouldnt do with my fiance... and we can chat about stuff that I wouldnt with my fiance...

 

I dont think you should be jealous... its just different... now if his close friends were girls then you have perfect reason to be jealous that he has more fun with them, then you

[DN]

It's not really more fun - it's different fun. I don't mean sex, although that may be part of it. It's just different.

[dontknowwhattodo]

You don't want to be one of his 'boys', do you? So, let him have his boys' thing and be pound of yourself that you are his 'girl'.

[xmrth]

I've always believed that the person you're dating is supposed to have the most fun with you. I can't say I know what made me think that, but I know it has something to do with the fact that dating is an exclusive relationship between only those two people.

It hurts so bad that he may have MORE fun overall with his friends than with me... the few friends I have are always with their boyfriends whenever I'm wanting to hang out =\ So of course, that makes me so upset and wondering why my boyfriend is out with friends and not with me. Or just sitting home relaxing... Again, he spends a fine ammount of time with me, but even so, whenever he's doing something else that he doesn't HAVE to do (like hanging with friends or doing whatever else), then it hurts alot because he can come see me, but is busy doing whatever it is.

 

I am always a wreck, and he is always so calm and fine. I don't know what to do anymore. Most likely this week I'll be talking to a therapist about my broblems because I'm back in school then. Is this even normal to bring up, or will they think this isn't even a problem? It's one of many, but I don't know if it's even something a therapist can help me with... or is it?

[DN]

Frankly I think you should tell the therapist everything you are feeling so they get a proper picture and can help you better. This is just one of many insecurities you have posted about this relationship and you really need help in putting it all in perspective before you drive him away.

[Hope75]

I am always a wreck, and he is always so calm and fine. I don't know what to do anymore. Most likely this week I'll be talking to a therapist about my broblems because I'm back in school then. Is this even normal to bring up, or will they think this isn't even a problem? It's one of many, but I don't know if it's even something a therapist can help me with... or is it?

 

It's definitely something that you can and should bring up to your therapist. If it's a problem for you than it's something that you should be able to talk about with a therapist and see if you can't gain some perspective on this and work on a better way to handle your insecurities.

 

You are dangerously close to driving your poor boyfriend away, he should not have to feel that every free minute he has that he isn't obligated to do something else that he needs to be with you. How smothering is that? Everyone needs down time, and a relationship or significant other should never be your only source of enjoyment and happiness. Imagine how much pressure that puts on him.

 

He's been outrageously patient with you-- most guys I know would have left by now. I don't think you want to act this way with him, but I think you do very much need to speak with a therapist about this, because it has everything to do with you and your own insecurities and very little to do with your boyfriend, who shows you in alot of ways how much he loves and cares for you.

 

When can you begin seeing the therapist?

[xmrth]

Here's an example as I'm feeling really crappy right now.

 

It's Sunday, and he doesn't have work or school tomorrow. I got out of work early, and he doesn't want to do anything now or even before I went to work. He could be either relaxing or seeing his friends, and it really bothers me.

So this is bad that he takes time like this even though I'm available and he is for longer since he's not busy tomorrow? He's seeing me tomorrow, though. But not for long at all. He says he's just going to stop by. It bothers me alot because I wish he'd want to spend all this free time we both have together.

 

I'll see one next week, but I'm not sure what date it will be.

 

I know he's been so patient, but if things are seeming fine then I should still have a good enough chance to make things right I hope... it seems like I should be able to, but this can't go on any further with me acting this way..

[DN]

but this can't go on any further with me acting this way..

It could be that he doesn't want to see you as often as you would like because you are acting this way.

 

Get that help - before it is too late.

[xmrth]

From what he said, he told me he planned on just relaxing this weekend... but I thought about me being the reason why he doesn't want to come over. I know it sounds like it's the reason, but at the same time, I don't really see that being the case. It's not an every single time I see him occurrence. He doesn't know about how frequently I feel this way other than me telling him so the other day.

He told me he wouldn't come over at all if he didn't like me or was tired of me, and we have plans for tomorrow but it's going to be short because he wants to relax.

He doesn't seem like he wants to end it... almost like he thinks I shouldn't even consider that being what he feels, but he says it's just got to stop. Sometimes he even just jokes around with me to get me to not be so upset about it, and then we can just enjoy our time together... but it has to stop no matter what, I know.

 

Should I even ask him if that's why, or ask what he is up to tonight, or ask why he's not staying too long tomorrow? Or should I just say nothing?

Should I tell him again that I know I'm acting rediculous and that I promise it will stop right now, not to be like this again in a week or a month, and tell him I'm done with acting rediculous? As long as I see a therapist, which I most definitely will be this week, I know I can keep this promise.

[DN]

Say nothing - you would only be telling him something he already knows. Once you have seen the therapist, then tell him how much it will help you so he knows you are really trying. Actions speak louder than words sometimes and he may be more impressed that you have actually been than if you just talk about it.

[xmrth]

So it is a good idea to let him know I'm seeing a therapist? I was going to tell him in a while from now-- maybe after I'm done, but I know these things can take a while.

Should I tell him when I know it's obvious things are better, or when they are in the middle of good progress?

[DN]

I thought you had told him.

 

A lot depends on how much of your behaviour is a problem for him. But I should just say lightly that you are seeing someone because you feel you have been getting a little over-anxious about things. Don't make it a big deal, just let him know that you are dealing with it.

[xmrth]

I told him a while ago, maybe 2 months ago, that I wanted to see a therapist, but I know he has no idea right now. I bet he probably forgot by now, so telling him will be like the first time again.

[Hope75]

I don't see why you would not want to tell him that you are working at being more relaxed and less clingy and controlling with him. He will probably feel happy for you if it helps you to be more confident and secure in yourself.

 

You know this behaviour is unreasonable, (like you expecting that he should have to spend tonight with you because you are available and he doesn't have other obligations), and you are prepared to take steps to work at it.

 

That is something you should feel proud of.

 

Give your bf some breathing room. No one likes to feel smothered.

[xmrth]

Would it be a good idea to tell him tomorrow that I'm going to be seeing one? I keep going back and forth with it... I am still not sure what to do.

 

I've been trying to give him breathing room, such as I didn't call him at all last week, and he ended up calling me twice. Then I called him only this morning to say hi, and usually I'd call after work, especially since I got out early, but I didn't call him at all, and I'll just wait for his call tomorrow. So, so far I'm just not calling him all the time like I used to. I think he may begin to notice that right away because he actually called me at odd hours last week... but then there's being upset when he chooses not to come over. I try not to let him know, but the other day I did.

I have seriousely always thought it was really bad if he didn't come over at times like this... I never would have thought it was okay or normal, which is why I think it got to bothering me so much.

 

I don't know if I should tell him before or during, or after seeing the therapist... But I do want him to know a.s.a.p. that I'm working on this... again...

I think I'm afraid to tell him beforehand because that time that I did tell him I was going to see a therapist, he said "You'll just be talking all about me..." and even I know that's not true because things go further than him and us, and things generally in my head. If I'm to tell him beforehand, I want to figure out how to tell him without him thinking this is all on him.

[DN]

Tell him that you are seeing a therapist because you have issues about yourself that you want to get sorted out so that they don't damage the relationship. Say it is probably about issues that happened to you before you even met him.

[Hope75]

Exactly what Dn said. This really has very little to do with your bf, and everything to do with you. He isn't doing anything that should normally make you behave this way, and so the issue is within you, and you want to work on it. You should not feel as though you have to keep this a secret from him.

I have seriousely always thought it was really bad if he didn't come over at times like this... I never would have thought it was okay or normal, which is why I think it got to bothering me so much.

 

What about your own friends? Can you develop the friendships you have with others more? It seems that you count on your bf for every bit of entertainment and fulfillment when you should be also working on enjoying time alone and making other friends too. You mentioned alot of your friends are matched up, what about having a girls' night out once every few weeks where you can go out as singles and have a good time?

 

Try to be creative and invent other fun ways to entertain yourself, so that you aren't tempted to put so much pressure on your bf to be everything to you-- he should not be.

[jordan_2]

you're comparing apples and oranges....

 

of course having fun with close guys friends is cool, but at the end of the day, I don't think your b/f is going to cuddle up with his guy friends and let them know how much he loves them

 

honestly I think you may either be having trust issues with him or maybe you're just jealous because he's having a fun time and you're not the one making him happy (which in either case, moreso the first, you need to completely let that go)....

if he is cheating then find someone else, but peopel need to have lives outside of a relationship...

so when it ocmes down to it, when your b/f goes out with friends, why don't you have a girls' night in or do somthing else with friends?

 

It'll make your times together that much more special

[xmrth]

I think that alot of it comes from not being the ONLY one who makes him happy. That and I don't have friends like he does so I can't find that same joy from other people, too.

I'll be having a girl's night at the end of this week so that will probably help (and for once, I'M not running the show, so it will be more fun and I'll meet alot of new people... this is going to be at a friend's apartment on campus).

Trust isn't the issue at all, but the issue is a mess of other things that I shouldn't even care about... just generally not understanding why it's okay that he has fun with other people other than me, not knowing if that's right or good.

 

I keep going back and forth on whether to tell him only because what if he takes my every action as being something the therapist has told me to do?

But I want to tell him now just so he knows I'm doing something about this that WILL help... I've thought about telling him that the therapist is NOT there for relationship advice-- that the therapist will be helping me to care about more important things in life and shift my thinking. And that I will almost never talk about him-- which is actually true. I will mention things because they come from things between us, but after mentioning them once, I know they wont be brought up again as they're not the complete issue.

I'll be telling him this today... whenever he calls and comes over.

[xmrth]

I saw him, he ended up staying with me for a couple hours longer than he planned. We had a good time together, and I was able to tell him pretty much first off about my plans to see a therapist.

 

He said something that made me feel really good about it.

First off, he remembered the first time I mentioned wanting to see one, which I didn't think he'd recall. I made it clear why I waited so long (some factors as to why it was best for me to go to the one at my college)

I told him that the therapist wouldn't be telling me how to act, they'd just be helping me to shift my thinking and so I wouldn't be so annoying. (I have no idea what they'll say, but I want him to know that whatever actions I make are my own and not all because of a therapist)

 

He told me this: "You'll always be YOU... the way you act is just you." and said something like that in which it's like he knows the way I act is just me being me, and it's annoying but it's okay... I don't get it-- but I'm done with being annoying. I told him that I know I could become much less annoying after seeing a therapist... and I asked "even though I'm so annoying, you still love me right?" and to still want to be with me and whatnot, and he said that he did, in an "obviousely" tone again. He wasn't at all aggravated during the conversation. Even if it bothers him but not enough to make him consider dropping me, it doesn't mean I can just let it go any further.

 

Now something else bothers me because he's not working during the week anymore. He is going to see me tomorrow, though... but now there will be more days he is free and more days he may choose things over me-- but to see me alot more, too... I am happy, but still, he's not going to want to see me every single day so I'll feel like the days he doesn't will be bad... please help...

I can't wait any longer for my time to get help. I hate the feeling this all brings. I'm happy to know I wont have to feel so upset and sick to my stomach anymore pretty soon after speaking to someone. I could very well tomorrow, but I don't know if I have to wait until an appointment, or what.

 

I'm sorry this is so long... but I wanted to ask something-- does anyone suppose it's possible for him to feel like he's got to see me so much more once I myself stop feeling this way? (as my attitude will change and I'll be less needy to)

[Hope75]

From what you have said he spends plenty of time with you, and shows you constantly how much he loves you, I think this is an issue that is all you and really nothing to do with him.

 

How can we help you to see that your kind of thinking is unreasonable? We tell you over and over that's it's healthy and normal for couples to have lives away from one another as well and that we should all have separate interests as well as enjoy doing things together and spend time with our friends.

 

You mentioned that you "can't" enjoy friends because you don't have as many as he does. You are not helpless in that vein... change it! Get out there and make some friends! Be social in class, ask to make a study group and go for coffee, invite classmates out for pizza after class or during a break, join a student organization, be proactive!

 

If you spent half as much time as you do worrying about your bf's social life outside of you working to make new friends, you'd be overwhelmed with invites every weekend!

 

We can't change your mindset for you. You have to learn for yourself that what you are doing is unhealthy and smothering and suffocating and I just hope that you can before it's too late and you drive him away forever.

[xmrth]

I think the thing that makes it extremely difficult to understand is that I don't know of any couples who spend time away from eachother, and time with friends instead of eachother...

My closest friend and her fiancé spend crazy ammounts of time together, and I know that it is unhealthy how they do, yet it still gets to me and makes me think it's how things are supposed to be.

Then there's couples where the guy would give up a guy's night just to be with the girlfriend, and then my parents tell me the same thing, that he shouldn't spend time away from me, and say "Why? Why can't he see you?" alot and it makes me question things.

If I only knew more about couples who spend lots of time apart and do things with other people, then I'd feel better. I know I don't NEED him to always spend all his time with me, it's just that I can't see how it's right. Me not needing that all the time should be enough to get me to see that, but it just isn't.