Ex's Family

[tman]

I got on really well with my ex's family (mainly her mother and younger sister, as her dad did not live with them).

 

Anyway since the break up i have not really been in contact with them (9 months now)apart from a text from her mother and a couple of emails form her sister (just small talk and to see if i was ok). I replied with brief messages but never initiated contact as I felt too awkward and have been trying to distance my self from the ex and anything to do witrh her for my own sanity, and healing.

 

The probelm is i have always felt bad for doing this as there was a really good relationship and we were all really close (mum seeing me as her surrogate son and sister as her bro). They felt really torn between my ex and myself during the break and I sensed that they did not want us to break up, but wanted my ex to be happy which I could not argue with. I never brought them into the relationship break up or used them as go betweens.

 

This week her sister emailed me to meet up for lunch/drinks and now on messenger I have had a short chat with her sis, her boyfriend (who had been dating her sis the whole time i was with my ex and I got on really well with too), and her mother. They want to all catch up, her mum offering to cook me a big meal with all the food she knows I love. They all also said that everyone was missing me (and to be honest i have missed them too).

 

No mention of the ex though who has not contacted me in 2 months now since the strange incidents over the money which she still has not gotten back to me about (check out my other post for full details).

 

Now I feel awkward as to what to do. I was contemplating on cutting them all off,and just getting on with my life, to help my healing and not bring back any memories. I think to have a meal at the table where we all used to laugh and ioke as a family unit would be too painful for me.

Yet I see it as rude to decline the offer and not keep in contact I know how much they really liked me. I would like to tell them it would hurt too much to see them, yet i want to give off a sense that Iam strong and am moving on and am not letting the break up still get to me (especially with the amount of time that has now passed.

 

Also I am wondering how much my ex knows of this invite and whether she would be there as she lives in the same house.

I'm guessing they may feel that enough time has passed and that i am healed (which i am not 100% and to be honest I still have strong feelings for the ex)

 

Guys your advice would be much appreciated. cheers

[ravens_folly]

Hi,

 

I am sort of in a similar situation... but rather a little different. After my breakup with my ex-(he dumped me) I was best friends with his sister and good friends with his Dad, as I used one of his animals for my 4-H project. I get along so well with him and for about 6 months after the breakup I still continued to be around the family. Anyhow, I am not really friends with his sister anymore, but am still friends with his father.

 

honestly, I don't see anything wrong with being friends with the family... as long as you are not using them as a go -between to try to win the ex back. that is not fair or right. If you are just being friends and enjoying each others company... its not wrong and if the ex is mad about it... well too bad. Its a free world, its not a crime to be friends with your ex's family.

[Tigris]

I keep in touch with my first boyfriend and his parents. We've been friends for 29 years. They moved to Cyprus last year. My husband is allowing me to visit them alone.

 

Why should you lose contact with the rest of the family just because you are no longer together? It isn't their fault that your relationship didn't work. Why should they suffer?

 

Think of the pros and cons before you make your decision.

 

Good luck and take care.

[DN]

If you feel you want to maintain some contact and it won't be too painful then go ahead - if you think your ex will be ok with it.

 

It would be a mistake to do anything to be the cause of even a minor rift between her and her family

[tman]

DN....

 

The main problem is I don't know how I will react in the situation. I guess I am a little scared and a bit embaressed especially after all the begging and plaeading I did 9 months ago. Plus say they let something slip about the ex. I reallly really dont want to know anything of what she is up to especially if she is with someone else.

 

I am a visual person and I think that seeing them will bring back too many painful memories especially as I have just begun to really cope with it all.

 

However I dont like to lose good friends so I think i will have to face my fears and be a man.

[DN]

It's not a question of being a man - this has nothing to do with bravery or cowardice. It is about what is in your best interests.

 

Their lives will go on if they never see you again. They may regret not being in touch but they it will not affect them more than that.

 

But it could have a much worse effect on you. Don't do something that could harm you emotionally in order to prove a point about a spurious sort of courage. That won't help anyone.

[annie24]

It's not forever. If you feel like you aren't ready yet to handle them saying something like, "she's dating someone new", then don't spend time with them yet.

 

One day, when you are ready, you can take her mom out to lunch. But, I think until you feel like it's time, just protect yourself as best as you can. Politely turn down the invitation, say something vague like, "I don't feel enough time has passed yet, but I look forward to seeing you in the future."

 

Good luck

[tman]

DN....

 

A Bit harsh dude?

Their lives will go on if they never see you again.

 

And there was me thinking they will be crying themselves to sleep every night if they don't see me.

 

Annie24

 

Thats more in line with they way that I have been thinking. I just don't know whether I want to tell them I am still hurting (they would fully understand but I really do not want my ex to hear that I am still hung up on her), but I also dont want to lie and fog them off with "i am busy" every time they ask to meet up.

[DN]

DN....

 

A Bit harsh dude?

Their lives will go on if they never see you again.

 

And there was me thinking they will be crying themselves to sleep every night if they don't see me.

 

Annie24

 

Thats more in line with they way that I have been thinking. I just don't know whether I want to tell them I am still hurting (they would fully understand but I really do not want my ex to hear that I am still hung up on her), but I also dont want to lie and fog them off with "i am busy" every time they ask to meet up.

 

It's not meant to be harsh at all - just realistic. What I mean to say is that, although they may be very fond of you, they are unlikely to be anywhere near as deeply affected emotionally by what may happen. You have to think of yourself and whether you will be ok.

[waiting]

In this situation myself. Her mum was on my side in many ways, and was very sad with what her daughter had done and didnt think it was right. I was told that i was family, and would always be welcome and they felt like they had lost a son.

 

But, they will support their daughter and respect her choice. So now he is getting to go over there for dinner and spend christmas with her family etc etc.

 

Stay out of their lives - just say its too painful and their daughter has chosen the situation for them. Say you have been hurt terribly by her and that you need to sever ties with her and all things to do with her. Say its not personal, but you have to do this to find any peace. Seeing the family and being reminded of all the things you had with your ex is just too damn hard.

[tman]

Thats why i love this site. You are sure to find people who are in situations similar to your own, yet it always surprises me how similar some situations are.

 

Waiting....

 

Thanks for the advice I can sense that you can see where I am coming from.

[waiting]

My choice was made a bit easier, because i found out that her mum was telling me how much she disapproved of her daughters decision and hoped she would take me back. But was not saying this to my ex, and was supporting her in her choice, and was welcoming the new boyfriend into the family.

 

A little bit two faced in my book...

[Nap-Man]

My ex dumped me and I did all the "dumb" things that you are not supposed to do. I was very close to her sister and I maintained that throughout the break-up. Her sister just had a baby and I spend at least one day a week there because it is important to me to still be "Uncle" in name if not legally through marriage. It was hard at first but the more time that passes and as long as you refrain from talking about your ex I found it to be one of the best decisions I have made. She was like a big sis to me. I plan on being a part of their childs life so the occasional pangs of past memories with my ex are far outweighed by the friendship and opportunities. If these people still care about you and you about them there is no reason to cut good people out of your life because of your ex! You just have to realize that this is her family and they will support her and her new relationship no matter how much they care about you. So if issues like that come up it's best to be prepared and understanding.

 

-Nap

[DRB]

I've remained friends with an ex's sister though I haven't remained friends with my last ex's family whom I loved very much. I'd marry that girl just to get into that family.

 

I did go over there for a bit but in the end I thought that it was weird that I was still hanging out with them, like it looked like I was doing it as some sort of connection to my ex that I was clinging to like grim death.

 

I just wish that because the family loved me so much that they would talk to her about the break up and change her mind but then I realised that all their loyalties would lie with her, which was fair enough.

 

So, doesn't it get to a point where you just have to let the past go? I just feel like it would look like "Hi, I'm your ex but I still haven't gone anywhere. I'm holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore".

 

I'm not stubborn on this rule, I'd love to be given a reason why its ok.

 

I just broke it off with a girl because she was still hanging with her ex and his family.