Breaking up after an emotionally abusive relationship

[ebber]

Hello,

 

This is my story. I have moved out of my home with my former boyfriend of 5 1/2 years. I realize now more than ever how emotionally abusive he was to me. He always had a bad temper and did express to me that he had been trying very hard to contol it and he "didn't want to go back to the way he used to be." Which I don't think I know the extent of what his temper was like in the past.

 

He has always been very moody, and he would take his bad moods out on me.

 

Before we met, he had lived with a girl who he had been with for 5 years. He found out that she was sleeping with his best friend, and he moved out. He always claimed that he would never hurt anyone like that, because he went through hell trying to deal with it.

 

During our relationship, every summer would be an extreme roller coaster of mood swings on his part. He works at a golf course and would be up very early and work long hours. He would constantly yell at me that I didn't understand his job or that he was exhausted. However, he could go out and drink with the people he worked with until after midnight, but not stay awake past 7pm to spend any quality time with me. He always blamed me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. Sometimes he would be mad one day and say or do something to hurt my feelings, and the next day he wouldn't apologize, but he would act like nothing was wrong. There were other times that he would ignore me for days. Before we lived together he wouldn't answer my calls; when we moved in together he'd take off before I'd get home and come in late and go to bed without a word; he'd walk right by me like I wasn't there. Unfortunately you get used to being treated badly and make excuses (he's stressed out from work, he's tired, etc.)

 

I could never do anything right. He was very good at being mean to me when no one else was around, but would act so nice when we were around other people. If we were with people for a day or night, he'd be in a great mood; once we'd leave he'd start snapping at me or putting me down. He also would be nice to other people he didn't really like, but when we were alone he'd put them down and say bad things about them.

 

The last 3 weeks I lived with him were hell. He told me that he wanted me to leave, but then told me that he didn't know what he wanted and that we needed to talk.

 

One night I came home and waited for him so we could talk; he didn't get home until 11:15, and ignored me. So I asked him where he was and he said out with the guys from work. I had pressed redial on the phone and it was a number I didn't know. The following day I came home and he was sleeping; I pressed redial again and it was the same number. I called it and a girl answered so I hung up. I woke him up and asked him whose number it was. He said it was "just a girl from work". He got mad when I started questioning him and we got into an argument.

 

That Friday he said that we needed to talk, but as soon as it became heated "he was out of there". So, for almost 3 hours he sat there and told me that he wasn't happy, and that people he worked with could tell that there was something wrong with him. He told me everything that was wrong with me and that I didn't make him happy; he didn't want to marry me or have kids with me. He said that he was falling out of love with me, and he didn't want us to hate each other. He said that we get along for a month or so, everything is good, and then we argure, and everything is bad. He never once said that he was responsible for anything; it was all me. After listening to him I was in shock and I knew that he wasn't telling me the truth. He said he was leaving - going to stay somewhere else that night. I picked up the phone and called his cell phone and checked his messages - he had 2 messages from his girlfriend at work, asking him to call her about hooking up that night. So, he spent 3 hours getting his "closure", and was about to go and meet up with his new girlfriend. He was in his car about to leave and I walked over to him and I told him that I knew that he was nothing but a liar and a cheater, and to go to his new girlfriend. He denied it and jumped out of his car, telling me to go ahead and hit him. (Could that be his guilt talking???) We never hit each other, but he would punch walls or doors. I told him that I didn't want to even look at him let alone touch him, and I walked away and called my sister. I was crying and I was trying to tell her what was going on, and he tried to grab the phone away from me. Then he took off, and I guess he figured out that I knew his cell phone code (he told it to me years ago) so he changed it. I began packing the next day.

Just before I moved out, he told me that he was not cheating on me, that she was just a friend from work who knew that he wasn't happy at home.

He ended up coming home that Saturday morning and he told me that he wouldn't be back until Wednesday after work. He didn't help me with anything.

 

4 days after I moved out I drove by his house and her car was in the driveway (I didn't know that it was her car at the time). I called him and left a message that I would be out in 20 minutes to return a few items of his. Not 5 minutes later he and this girl drive past me, so I followed them; they were turning left at a light, and I pulled up beside them. I just stared at her (I couldn't even look at him) for about 15 seconds and then drove away. I can't believe how he could have just jumped into a new relationship with an employee of his after living with me for a year, making plans for the future with me and then blame me for his unhappiness and ask me to leave - all the time he was seeing someone else. He is in his early 30's - you would think he would have been mature enough to tell me the truth when I asked him if he was seeing someone else. After I saw him with her I called him late that night, and he told me that I could think whatever I wanted. I have spoken to him once since then and he still denies that there is anything going on, and he says that I'm psychotic for driving past his house and stalking him! I've called him 3 times since we broke up - the first time was the same day, to see if he was ok (stupid me!) and to let him know that if I had anything that belonged to him that I'd make sure he got it back. I had 5 days to find somewhere to live and move out and he starts complaining that he has a house to put together (all he needed to do was buy new silverware!!! I had to move all of my stuff into a new apartment!) That's how he has always been; only thinking of himself, what he has to do, not thinking that I moved out in 5 days because he wanted me to.

 

Anyhow, it just goes to show how much of a liar, hypocrite and cheater he really is. I know I'm better off without him, but it still hurts. I am feeling better day by day and I no longer have the desire to speak to him. He won't tell me the truth anyhow, and he is the only one with the answers.

I hope that more people will learn about emotional abuse and not put up with the types of things that I have lived with for 5 1/2 years. He was definitly not worth it; no one is. It is scary and hard to make that break, but it will be worth it in the end.

[hot_to_trot]

Hello Ebber,

 

Wow, first off, I really am sorry that you went through this for so many years. It is really difficult not to blame yourself and second guess, and play everything out over and over again in your mind. I know, because I went through something very similar, including the split personality part, which I really could not understand and still have problems with to this day. My relationship cost me my self-esteem, and I am still working hard to gain in back day by day. I would really love to discuss it further with you perhaps in a much more private setting, as I know how difficult this time is for you. Let me if that is something you would like to do, or send me a one-on-one message.

 

You will get through this, I promise!

[BillyJean714]

Wow! Doesn't this sound all too common? Is this what people do when they cheat? I swear, everything that you mentioned sounds like a script to me. I've heard these lines over and over, from my girfriends and from personal experience. Ladies, I think we have to be really smart about the people we date from now on!

 

I don't mean to offend you, but I think it's helpful if we point out some behavioral patterns that occur when a person's cheating on us. We should look at it and learn so that next time, we can prevent ourselves from further heartache and choose wisely. Here are some lines that caught my attention:

 

He would constantly yell at me that I didn't understand his job or that he was exhausted.

Rule #1- You want to keep a person who adores you. When someone adores us, they would try their best not to yell. It's called compromise. If they can't even do that, then obviously, they're not being aware of anyone else's feelings but only themselves. A selfless person loves us, but a selfish person doesn't!

 

Unfortunately you get used to being treated badly and make excuses (he's stressed out from work, he's tired, etc.)

That's correct! Again, it goes back to Rule #1 A person who loves/adores us, will try his/her best to NEVER mistreat us. After all, everything that they do with their actions (even the smallest actions) will clue us in as to how much they love us. I remember watching an Oprah show, where she puts it soo well: "Whenever you're making excuses, he is Just Not That Into You!!" Yes, it's true!

 

He told me everything that was wrong with me and that I didn't make him happy; he didn't want to marry me or have kids with me.

Rule #2 When someone loves us, they love/accept us for ALL that we are. Also, when a person says they don't want to marry us, they mean it, and they already made up their mind.

 

He said that he was falling out of love with me, and he didn't want us to hate each other.

He probably doesn't want you to hate him because he knows he did you wrong.

 

He said that we get along for a month or so, everything is good, and then we argure, and everything is bad.

Okay, so he's giving excuses? If he really cared enough, he would make an attempt to resolve conflict without escalating everything into fights. Didn't it feel as though you were walking on eggshells everytime you barely said anything non-offensive? Rule #3 When a cheater cheats, they always look for things to fight about in order to justify their own actions.

 

I can't believe how he could have just jumped into a new relationship with an employee of his after living with me for a year, making plans for the future with me and then blame me for his unhappiness and ask me to leave - all the time he was seeing someone else.

Believe it or not, some people have it worse. They go through staying together for 20 years, have kids together, and oops, whattya know? One partner finds out that the other partner not only had an extramarital affair, but also lived a double life--> had another family of their own, during the marriage.

 

My only word of advice: always, ALWAYS, look at a person's actions! It will tell you everything about how much they care for you, and if they are the type of person who will deceive you.

 

Everything that you mentioned in your post sounds similar to what I experienced with my past cheaters. It's almost like they all wear the same mask and tell us the SAME things! What do they all have in common? They are all cheats, who all follow the same behavioral patterns, and give us the SAME excuses.

 

What is our job then?

#1. Recognize their patterns- what they say, how they over react by saying, "I'm tired, don't you understand??? You're this and that, and I can't take it!!" All of the shouting, etc. (Is this behavior necessary? Obviously not).

2. Realize that we're being mistreated.

3. Move On.

 

It's plain and simple. Oh, and lastly #4- Thank them for NOT wasting our time anymore!

 

I wish you all of the best in finding someone who will treat you right. I know it hurts. I've been through it also, and just wanted to let you know that you will pull through. One thing that's helpful is to keep yourself busy, stay in shape, take care of yourself, pamper yourself, stay young, happy, and beautiful. After all, happiness is all that we live for, so why waste it on people who hurt us? Hope this helps! Take care...-Billy

[ebber]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It really does mean a lot. It's nice to know that people who don't even know you can relate to your own personal experience. It is great to get good advice and support when it is really needed.

I hope that I will be able to find someone who I will not have the same experiences with. I think that if and when I do meet someone else, that I will know what to watch out for - certain "red flags" that I let my ex away with time and time again.

I think that as we share our own experiences and offer advice and support, we become stronger people. It just takes time to digest everything, and to be kind to ourselves. It's strange - I'm trying to concentrate on me instead of worrying about him! It's been a long time since I only thought about myself, what I want and what I need.

It's good to know that there are people out there who understand.

Thank you.

[TiredMan]

WHen I hear a story like this, it makes me wonder about things. I can take the viewpoint of the emotional person because I admit I always had a temper when hurt. Not for reason like a bad day at work but more if I felt someone was hurting or betraying me. Mine stems all from how I was raised and a very verbally and emotionally abusive and alone childhood. But I never cheated, and there is NO excuse for that. You said he wants to stop, did he take any steps? What I mean is I am in therapy to deal with my emotional outbursts. Did you even mention that and did he go or get defensive?

 

I am so sorry that someone just chooses to be that way to another person, meaning you. It is not deserved. I mean I also don't know his version but I still believe cheating is just about the worst thing a partner can do to you. I would rather a g/f beat with with a bat every day than cheat. It's tough. I am presently in a breakup after 8 years because of similar problems (other than the lying and cheating). It's still in the stage where I hope it works out because I am doing everything I can to control my temper.

 

But in terms of what you said, I would be careful in looking for "red flags" because you might be too quick to judge and you don't want to be wrong. I disagree with the person who says if the person says (insert line) they mean it. People do say things they don't mean during emotional outbursts. Trust me, I know all about it. Iv'e done it and hate myself for it.

 

Sorry to throw my own situation into this but it's going on right now and this post really made me think.

[ebber]

When I first started my relationship with him he had expressed the fact that he was afraid of being hurt; his last long term relationship ended in his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He said that he'd never do that to someone, but now he has broken even that promise.

 

He was seeing a psychologist for a while. He told me that he needed to get help because he didn't feel good about himself and that it was affecting our relationship. He also hadn't really dealt with the feelings he had about his last girlfriend and what she did to him. I don't know what he discussed in his sessions, but one day after one of them he called me and broke up with me out of the blue. We had plans to go to the beach that day; instead, I was left stunned and confused, because he wouldn't let me know why he was feeling so badly.

 

The problem with him is that he doesn't think he has a problem. Everything he did wrong he always made excuses for; it was always my fault in the end.

 

I did mention to him that I thought he should go back into therapy. He told me once that his grandmother thought that his grandfather was manic depressive; his stepmother has similar feelings towards his father. He just started yelling at me to not say anything bad about his family; I told him that I was just trying to help, and that I wasn't bringing it up to hurt him in any way.

 

I have found out a few other details since my last post.

 

The girl that he is seeing is 21; he is 31.

 

This girl he is seeing is the girl that he used to make fun of at work because of her looks; he used to joke that she looked like a guy. She has a mustache, so that was a big joke. She has dark hair and lots of body hair, so the guys all made fun of her. I didn't understand why he would make fun of someone who works for him, especially at his age. And now he is seeing her! Funny enough, her family has a bit of money; he went on and on about her house, swimming pool, etc. after he went to a party there. People that work for him are saying that they believe he is using her for her family's money. He is very money oriented and always complained when he spent any.

 

He is giving her easy jobs at work and creating a very bad working environment because the rest of his crew (golf course maintenance) are getting all of the hard jobs. No one will approach him on this because they are afraid of what his reaction will be.

 

When his mother has shown up at the house, he runs outside to talk to her when his girlfriend is there; she never gets to see this girl, but the car is in the driveway, so she knows that she is in the house.

 

I really do think that he has some type of mental illness; maybe border line personality? I'm not sure, but I can not figure it out because it isn't rational.

 

I'm not the only one that thinks that there is something wrong with him; people who are close to him are saying the same thing.

 

I am feeling better, just taking it day by day. When I do become involved in a new relationship, I hope that I can be in one with someone who is not this cold, mean and complicated. When I talk of red flags, I mean things like ignoring me for days; not being able to communicate; someone who cares if I'm crying instead of getting mad at me and walking away; someone who doesn't have drastic mood swings or becomes violent (punching walls, etc.)

 

No one is perfect, especially me. But I did try and I'm exhauted from the emotional abuse that I have been dealing wtih for so long. I am hurt and it is hard to believe that he lied and cheated. I thought I could trust him; the only way you know if you can trust someone is to trust them and have them never break that trust. I don't want to carry anything bad from this relationship to my next, if and when that will happen.

[ebber]

I have been doing a lot of reading on this site and I followed a link to some wonderful information on narcissim. I do believe that my former boyfriend is a narcissist.

Many of the traits I've read really hit home. I think this is why trying to understand everything that I've been going through has been so hard.

Some of the traits I've read that relate to his behaviour are:

The narcissist is not in touch with his emotions. thereforeeee, he does not care how he hurts others.

The narcissist is self-absorbed, emotionally immature, and lacks empathy for others.

Happiness, joy, and the effort to please others is not normally undertaken by the narcissist except in the beginning or potential ending of a relationship.

Narcissists will never accept the blame for anything that happens in a relationship. They are quite ready to blame the other person involved. They expect to be the center of attention in a relationship and demand their every wish be fulfilled by their partner.

A relationship with a narcissist is like a roller coaster ride - there are extreme highs and lows.

The narcissist is not in touch with his emotions. thereforeeee, he does not care how he hurts others.

The narcissist never completely lets go of any individual he has found that can provide him with narcissistic supply until he finds that he can no longer stir up any type of sensation in that person whether it be positive or negative. Only then will the narcissist let go. Or, if the narcissist finds a better source or narcissistic supply he will quickly throw you away.

 

This information was found at link removed

 

It looks like my ex has found a better source. The more I learn and understand what I went through, the better. I am not crazy!!! Even though I am still hurt, I feel much better alone than going through the craziness with him.