Obsession with Death

[petalbud]

okay,. i know this sounds really crazy,. but lately., i havent stoped thinking about my death. I think about what it would be like when i die,. How i die,. Who would find me dead.

I want to be buried on a rainy day,. with really bad weather,.. possibly sometime in autumn,. around october or november.

I know the shade of brown i want my coffin to be. I want a golden metal flower on top of my coffin,. (ive made a drawing of that). i want golden handles on my coffin with art-deco flower designs on them. i want to be dressed in a brown trousers and a brown top.i want to be buried with a SINGLE black silk rose,. Nothing else. Id absolutely hate it if people decide to bury me with "pretty" flowers,. i DONT want any flowers,. apart from the black silk rose id be holding

 

I want to be buried near a lake. I want my grave to be the only grave in the field. Somewhere very peaceful and quiet. somewhere where people rarely go.

 

I'd HATE to have a church service and have so called "family" and "friends! giving fake tearful speeches, about how they'd miss me n how I was a good person, and blah blah,.. they can keep their silly tears and lies for whenever!. Id HATE to have a priest at my burial.

 

I just cant stop thinking about my death,. and to be honest,. I actually want to die, NOW.

i feel my life has been nothing but an endless cycle of pain. Everyday is an endless strugle to maintain my fragile sanity. Only in death will my quest for wholeness be complete.

 

I feel like a complete maniac writing this,. But thats all i think about,. MY DEATH. Maybe all this is coming out because i havent slept properly in a while, but I did go through a depressive phase earlier this year, when I was suicidal,. and my last attempt landed me in hospital.

 

Im not as depressed now,. or maybe I am, and I dont know. i guess ive just learnt to numb my feelings,. because theyre too painful and too intense.

Im tired of pretending im okay when im really not. but even if i want to talk about how i feel, who can i talk to?

 

A lot of times, i feel I blend in better with the mute walls than other humans, I feel like an Alien, Like I dont belong anywhere. All i want to be is somewhere I belong,. Ive got all this dark angry swirl of emotions inside of me,.. towards myself. I hate the very essense of my being, I have tried to be "positive" and "replace all my negative thoughts with positive ones".. but that only lasts a while.,..

 

Im afraid to tell my councellor too much because we made an agreement, that if she thought i was at the stage where i may contemplate suicide again. she'd have to contact the social services to contact my parents. I would not want that.

 

I just want to return to where I came from, to decay into the Bed of cold earth from which i was made.

I came as nothing,. i return worthless,.....

 

 

 

 

 

Does anyone else think about their death?

Raven

[DoorMouse]

You might want to actually tell your counselor what's going on in your head. It seems like a major cry for help, love, and attention if you've already plotted out all these things. I believe we all go through a suicidal / death phase while in our teen years, but we find ways of coping with our problems and releasing these bad thoughts. Keep a journal of thoughts and feelings, see if you can find something else to become so passionate about. You may end up chaning your mind on your constant obsession with death. Try going to a church and finding someone to confide in there, maybe they can give you answers.

[Binary]

Some people spend so much time on focusing how to live longer that they just dont live at all. Life is awesome, enjoy it. Dont focus on death, but take it in a stride.

 

Thats all the help I can really give. Dont worry about death, because when it eventually comes, you will be able to accept it.

[DiscipleOfChange]

coming to grips with our own mortality is tough. and I'm sure everyone out there has been throguh a spell of contemplating the circumstances of their own death. Dwelling on it isnt healthy though . The fact that you are 16 may have something to do with it. Being a teenager, especially the middle teens can be rough. Don't bog your mind down on it ut if it gets to be overwhelming or a concern to you, don't hesitate to talk to a counselor about it. They're there to help

[Jetta]

Sounds to me like you're severely depressed. You need to seek professional help. I didn't read your entire post so if you have a therapist mention this, it's not normal to be so fixated on death. People who know they're dying aren't this fixated on death.

[heartbroken23]

seek professional help ASAP

[petalbud]

I feel i just cant "get on " with life,. the thought of bliss in death is actually what keeps me goign, I feel like i dont wanna be here,.. I feel like the only place id have peace is when im buried dead in the cold earth,. and my spirit is left to roam the earth free,..

 

i CANT tell my councellor,. id just be asking for trouble,. My parents would have to be informed about my suicidal tendencies,. and social services,.blah blah,.

I do keep a journal, and do volountary work,./ and i do a lot of artwork at home,. so yer,. I try to keep myself busy,.

 

 

im all cried out at the moment, im sick of it all.

[Hello90]

Don't you have anyone you can confide in? A friend, family member, teacher, etc? I'm going to assume you aren't much of a social person. I think if you branch out a little and try to meet some people, you will forget a little of this. Or so I think...

[toad4466]

I think that maybe feath is more interesting to you than life, you need to do something asap about your life, make some positives and have something to live for. Remember that death is a way out, and thats what you are really thinking about.

Dont give up, there are amazing things to see everyday! and some people do care about you!

Ben

[kuroshiro]

This may sound a bit odd but, when was the last time you laughed, petalbud? really laughed? tear-jerking, can't think of anything else cuz you feel your gut about to burst laugh?

It sounds like it's been a while.

 

If you don't want to tell your counselor (which, if more than three people are advising to tell him/her, then it's probably the best choice), you'll have to work out the core of your problems on your own. be this family, personal history, bad memories/experiences, etc.

 

You said you numbed yourself to feelings because they were too intense. I know how that feels. When you feel like you're choking inside, and about to burst at the same time. Thing is, the same feelings you numb, are at times, the feelings that help you really enjoy life. If you really want to get better, and not talk to a counselor, you'll have to find a way to confront what's eating at you inside. It'll hurt, like hell, but it won't kill you. And when you feel like you just can't take anymore, cool it, and find something that makes you laugh. a good laugh.

 

anywho, g'luck. and i hope things work out.

[Tigris]

Petalbud, Kuroshiro is right you need to laugh. Laughter helps us to heal.

I mentioned on your masturbation posting that endorphins are released. They are released by laughter too!

 

I started to get better when I started to laugh. You know the big guffaws, when you can't stop and the tears run down your face.

 

A Psychiatrist helped me. It was hard at first because I felt like he didn't understand. Now I feel like I want to do somersaults! I'm so happy that my depressions gone. I'm euphoric that my Fibromyalgia Syndrome is in remission, (at least until December. Wintertime is hell for me when I have pains!). I refuse to get drawn back into the black mood you keep describing.

 

Yes, I still have problems thrown at me and I could easily fall back into the black world but I FIGHT for survival!

 

At present I'm dealing with one of the biggest problems my life could ever throw at me. This is my second marriage (13 years). I still love my husband but something's missing. I've had this problem from being a child and I've been supressing it. The older I get the worse it gets! I don't know who I am anymore or which direction to go in. I've got an appointment with a Psycho Sexual Cousellor on Oct 6th. My husband knows the truth!

[swift44]

i wish i could help but i also have been obsessing over my own death..so your not alone, just stay ind ere hopefully things will gt better