Age gap with former teacher

[OnTheGo]

I am with my former teacher. Half way into the school year, by the time I was already 18, we began having a relationship. we've been together for 8 months now and I'm overwhelmed with a great sense of fulfillment in my life and with what the relationship has become. I've learned so much about life and myself within this time span. In simple terms, it is a healthy relationship.

Although this is true, there are underlying issues. This relationship has remained hidden to my family but they suspect I am with someone due to the long phone calls. This is the first time i ever lie to my parents and I'm having a hard time with it. I ask myself is it worth it? I can't come clean because of the facts. He is 30 years my senior, was my former teacher, legally separated, and has kids who are older than me.

How did I even consider this in the first place? I've never been a boy crazy kind of girl, prior to this I was in a three year relationship. I guess I could say this is my second time falling in love. I consider myself quite mature, but I understand that experience has only taught me so much up to this point. In a nutshell, after long after school talks, I was captivated mentally. I was amazed by his character and good nature. Quite frankly, it was something unfamiliar. I took a chance and went against my morality. The thought of a relationship never scared me because I never thought I would let it happen. I was so strongly against it. I made it clear that it couldn't go any further. With his persistence that quickly changed, and once I let that possibility turn into a reality, I've never felt so scared. Needless to say, things progressed into what it is now.

Asides from everything, he's had this type of relationship before, the girls have been disloyal or couldn't deal with the age gap. I'm trying to be objective about it, so you can basically judge on the situation. I think I addressed every "underlying issue". I will be starting college soon and those who know say this may be the way to comp out of this relationship. I don't feel the urgency to leave though. If I did, it would be to make others happy and make life a little bit easier.

Do I see a future with him? Well in some shape or form I do, if not I wouldn't be investing my time. Looking ahead, my biggest concern is if I can have a happy, healthy, functional family with this man. I just want honest feedback, whether it's constructive criticism or some support.

[DN]

Just remember that when you are in the prime of your life - he will be retiring

[Lexicon85]

This man is nasty! If you really feel you are learning, learn what you can and drop him for someone your own age. Maybe someday he won't abuse his position as a teacher and will date someone at least older than his own kids. You don't want this guy for the long haul.

[OnTheGo]

Thanx to those who have replied. It would be helpful to hear some more, anything would be helpful. Thankyou again.

[DN]

Why are you posting? - I am thinking that maybe you have some doubts - or at least need validation.

[Lily04]

I agree, you don't really sound confident with your decision. You can meet mature, intellectual guys at college, believe me. Even grad/professional students (i.e. law/Ph.D students) are only around 22/23 when they start, and are generally smart and interesting people. But dating a high school teacher who is, what, 48 yrs old, when you are only 18 does not seem right, and you're right in that your parents would be concerned.

 

I would drop this relationship if I were you. You need more time to explore your interests and what you like in men your own age before you can commit and think about starting a family so soon! Don't you have goals of your own -- i.e. of going to college, etc.? Why would you even be thinking of starting a family with this man so soon? If he's pressuring the issue, then he's probably trying to convince you you're mature enough to deal with it, when you shouldn't be yet. You should be going off to college, and ready to meet amazing people there, and start your own life, not to tied to this person's. It is also suspicious that he has dated students your age before... I think that points to something, maybe he's not mature enough and wants to act like he's 20 again, I don't know. But that can't be healthy, especially when he has children.

 

I would really advise that you think about ending this relationship, especially if you're having doubts. I can sorta relate to what you're feeling though. I am 20 years old and was attracted to a man who was 30 earlier this year. And in high school when I was 18 I was attracted to my high school teacher who was married and had a young child (he was in his mid-30s I think.) But nothing came out of either...

 

I think it's normal to be attracted to older men, especially if you're mature yourself, but this age gap is a bit too much I think... especially when you're in such distinctly different periods in your lives.

 

Hope that helps.

[Cadence308]

I think if you are happy and your current boyfriend are happy, more power to you. You are legal and old enough to make your own decisions regarding who you will date and what you will do with your life.

 

I think it is really hard for many people to acknowledge that someone can fall in love with another person regardless of age, education, gender, income, religion, etc., UNTIL it happens to them.

 

Don't worry so much about what other people think about you and your older boyfriend. Do what feels right for you. And it sounds like you both know and have acknowledged the age difference and how that could impact your relationship. That's important for when issues do come up.

 

As far as telling your parents about your relationship, you are an adult and hopefully they can keep an open mind. I think that my parents would have a coronary if I were to bring home someone who was their age. However, I'm sure there are parents out there who would keep an open mind. There may come a time when your boyfriend may want to meet your family. Have you talked about this with him?

[Lily04]

umm... I'm generally ok with age-gap relationships (I was attracted to someone 10 yrs older than me before...) but 30 years older seems a bit much, especially to be getting so serious with the person as to be considering a family with him. Why rush things so soon? Esp. when you're only 18. He should respect that and go slower. Although because he's older he may want to get you to think about these things sooner... it just doesn't seem right to me. You two are in completely different stages in your lives... I mean, his kids are older than you. I doubt they will respect the relationship...

 

I don't know. I would consider "taking a break" from him for now, meeting new people, and if he truly loves you he will wait until you're ready to commit.

[OnTheGo]

Thankyou again to those who have posted. Of course I have my doubts and concerns about this relationship. I don't know if I should treat it like any other relationship that I have been in or not. It's always at the end of the day, in the late of the night, when reality strikes. I ask myself, "Is my happiness worth being in this "unique" relationship and the hardships that will inevitably follow?" I don't know if my approach should be one day at a time and deal with the problems as the come. About starting a family, I am in no rush and neither is he. I have one goal in mind which is to get my bachelors degree in college in order to pursue my career. After I'm settled in my dream job, issues like marriage and children may present themselves. Those are the things I'm worrying about now. What if I'm still with him after college? I sometimes wish on divine intervention to occur while I'm in college, but I feel that if I ever leave him, I will always regret it and think what if, for I am the type who has the tendency to live in the past. I know that if it's not him, I'll fall in love again. Problem is, how sure is it that i'll find another great man or This great chemistry that already exists? I wish I could sum up in words to describe him, but even if i did, it wouldn't make you fall in love with him like i have, and that is the reason i am in this to begin with. I've never been so comfortable and at ease with someone. I thought I knew all there is to know about myself, but he's changed that. It's complete bliss.

In reference to my parents, telling them now would be out of the question and he agrees. Akwardly enough, deep down inside I wish they'd find out in some dramatic way, catching me in some lie where i'd have to tell the truth or if they saw it for themselves. The way i see it, to drop this bomb on them would only be worth it, if it was leading to marriage, and I won't know until a handful of years from now. Again, I understand I'm young, nieve, and unexperienced and that's the reason I'm here. Friends tend to be my support system, and that may not be the best thing for me in this case, especially when they're as old as I am. We're just entering the real world. So thanks again to those who have posted their thoughts, your time has been helpful, more than you can imagine. It's therapeutic. Different perspectives are helpful, so if anyone else can put their 2 cents...I'd appreciate it.

[passion88]

Ask yourself this question. Do you really love him? If the answer is yes, then go for it. Age gap is only a number. It's very difficult to find true love and if it comes, don't let it slip away. Sometimes, people do fall in love regardless age difference. They didn't plan it and it just happened. Most people don't understand the feeling unless it actually happenes to them. I am also involved with a woman who is much younger than me.

She is 23 and I am 54. We both know we'll have problem but we just try to live one day at a time and enjoy our time together.

Follow your heart and don't worry too much about what people think about you and your friend.

[Kelli]

I was in a very similar situation last year. I am still having trouble getting over it. When i was 18 i was pursued by my former teacher. the man is over 30 years my senior and i looked up to him no end. Somehow, i ended up i a serious relationship with him, which not only alienated me from my friends and family, it destroyed his. His wife and kids lives were turned upside-down. I finally had the courage to end it but to this day i feel physically ill when i think about it. I never wanted the whole thing to escalate the way it did, but with all the influence this man had over me, i was swept up in the idea of it. I'd give anything to take it back, but i can't. Take my advice sweety, it's just too much of an age-gap. It will end in tears somehow- i'm almost certain of it. And think about just how you got into this situation. Did you wholly instigate it, or did he somehow manipulate you?

I hope my experience can help shed some light on this for you.

[Dogsbody]

How do his kids feel about this? Is there any aggression or mistrust towards you from them? Has he told them? Have you met them?

 

I guess the biggest warning bell here is that he's been in multiple age gap relationships, which means he's a fan of the look or the feel of the relationship, and subsequently his pursuit of you comes off more than a little shallow.

 

Of course possibly all the great loves of his life might coincidentally be 30 years his younger, but it seems more than likely he's got a thing for high school girls and should probably be regarded with a bit of scrutiny.

 

Sounds suss.

 

-Dogsbody.