Feeling rejected in words and action

[wadeblues]

My girlfriend and I live together. We just passed our 1 year anniversary. We have a 7 month old baby boy. I am not the biological father, but we met when she was pregnant, so we are all very close and function as a family. There is a lot of love here in all directions.

 

I have been feeling rejected in different ways for the last few months. Initially, meaning the first five months or so of our relationship, the physical intimacy was good - this meaning both just touching/kissing and making love. Post birth, she has not had much interest in intimacy. It is difficult because the beginning of the relationship sexual drive is still there for me. It is more than that though. She pushes me away when I go to give a playful hug or kiss, and as of late she has informed me that she doesn't like kisses on the face at all because of germs. I suspect this may have something to do with her dislike of sex also. This is not because I am unsanitary, but because she has always been this way. Until after her pregnancy, there had been no problems with this. There was French kissing, etc., etc. It is important to note that I am not smothering. I don't require constant affection. Whenever I make a move to hug or kiss her, I get hands intercepting me, and her leaning away and groaning. It is very hurtful to me. I feel unwanted, rejected.

 

Another way I feel rejected. She won't make any effort to introduce me to her friends. I don't know even 25% of them - never seen them. Here, it will be important to introduce the age difference. We have a fourteen year age difference. I am 33 and she is 19. Another issue comes up here. Until recently, I had believed she was 21. When we met, I continuously questioned her about her age, and she talked me into thinking she was 24. Then, after a few weeks of dating her, she had a birthday and she told me she was really 21, so that is what I believed. I would not have dated her if I'd known she was 18 at the time. Fast forward: I am in love with her and baby Xavier. I am committed to them.

 

Back to the friends/cousins situation - she maintains that she doesn't want to introduce me to them because I wouldn't have anything in common with them. I have told her that i just want to meet them, not hang out with them all the time. Many of her friends are male. It is really about 50/50, but I think she prefers to hang out with guys.

 

She is extremely secretive about her phone calls. I really don't believe that she is having an affair, but I sometimes wonder if she does this because she is talking to a male friend and doesn't want me to know what they are talking about. Whenever I ask her who she is talking to, she resists answering, and is very vague with her answers. It's not just with this issue though. She resists answering any question. She believes that peoples business is their own, and they have no obligation to share their own business. It is difficult for me to keep her friends' names straight - since I haven't met most of them. And there are always new cousins and friends she talks about. Yet she won't even tell me who she talks to. Am I being too controlling in asking who she was on the phone with? Again, I don't even suspect she is cheating on me. I just want to know more about her life.

 

It's not just phone calls though. She doesn't like me to ask about anything. Her mother is overbearing and does harass her by probing into her private life. She has noted this as the reason, but I still feel rejected when she is so secretive about her life.

 

There are things that I don't know about her childhood. I wish I knew everything so I could understand why she does what she does.

 

When she is grieving, she doesn't want me to say anything, only listen. This is okay, but I never know what to do. It seems that she really doesn't want me there at all. It is difficult when I know she is in pain, and I can't do anything. I will get her tissues and try to embrace her and listen, but many times she is just unreachable.

 

She has had several tragedies in the last 2-3 years of her life (the latter two while I've been with her): an ex-boyfriend of 3 years hung himself shortly after she broke up with him, a very close first cousin of hers died in a car accident less than a year ago, and her first love and a current friend, was killed in "the War" in Iraq.

 

I understand how traumatic all of this is. My sister killed herself January 2003. I am there for her, but I have no idea what to do. She doesn't really want to talk about it. She knows she needs to grieve, but she admits that she really hasn't started grieving any of the deaths. She won't go to counseling - for anything. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she just spirals downward when any of the subjects come up. I am starting to feel hopeless because of her resistance to counseling about these problems.

 

In summation, I love my girlfriend and her son dearly, but I feel like she is saying to me, "Stay away from me, I don't need you, Your feelings are not important to me," by her words and actions.

 

Helpful comments would be appreciated.

[yokohama_mama]

She's a teenager who's just had a baby. It would be a truly exceptional teenager who could take care of a new baby and meet the emotional needs of a partner. Given her age, her behaviour isn't really surprising.

 

This is just a hunch, but I feel like perhaps you have a "knight-in-shining- armour" complex and are trying to save a damsel in distress. (Possibly related somewhat to unresolved feelings about your sister's suicide?) You're giving and giving, supporting and supporting, but you've come to a point where you'd like some warmth in return. But what can you expect from someone in her situation, who's had so many traumas recently, and has a baby which has to be her first priority?

 

Ultimately I think if you stick with this relationship it's going to be a very rocky road. But if you have the patience of a saint and are able to accept not getting much in return from her, who knows, things might smooth out some years into the future.

 

Personally if I were in your shoes I'd cut and run and send her back to her Mom, but that's just my $.02 and I'm sure there's a lot I don't know about the situation. Good luck with it.

[DI93]

I think that u are being used. It sounds like she hooked up with u because you could saved her, and gave her baby a family. She seems as if she doesn't want to gave up anything. She may be embarrass about your age difference and that is why, she hasn't introduce u to anyone.

 

 

She may want her space and freedom, as well as, the security she and her baby needs. In other words, she is treating u as her parental authority. She is the teenage who wants to do whatever she wants. (irresponsbile young adult)

 

Staying with u makes her responsible in the following way: U are the guy, notice i am not call u the love one because a person in love wouldn't treat u this way, that is providing a house, sercurity, and a father for her baby.

 

My advice, stay away from 20 yrs olds female, they don't know what they doing, nor what they want. They are confused. yes the want to be responsbile and yes, they also want to talk and see whoever they want whenever they want. ( Bye the way I am in my early twenties, and this is how i feel, so please take that in consideration)

[wadeblues]

Thank you both for the comments. I agree with many of your points. I do have a little of the rescuer in me, and I do get myself into situations that can become complex and difficult. However, in the beginning it never seems that way to me. I am aware of my tendencies and I do try to keep it in check (to some extent).

 

The age thing was pretty devastating to me when I found out recently. In the beginning, as I said, I thought she was 24, then later 21. And recently, I found out on my own that she is really 19 now, and was 18 when we met.

 

I am also a little trusting about things like that. When I found out her true age, I immediately understood why we were having some of the problems we were having. I would have never dated her knowing her true age in the beginning. I do feel kind of sick about this. Somehow 21 felt a lot better than 19. I don't want to be thought of as someone trying to take advantage of an immature person. I had never intended to be with a teenager, but I am.

 

She has agreed to go to counseling. I laid everything out last night.

 

I do agree with DI93 that she may be embarrassed about my age. I guess now that I know her true age, I can say that I am embarrassed to introduce her to family. And I've already told my parents how old she is - twice (24, and then 21). They said that it didn't matter, but I don't know about 19. It's just a different thing.

[Ripples]

Wadeblues,

 

The red flags that you have mentioned are almost identical to those that I experienced with my ex. She was younger than me by 8 years but old enough to not be behaving in such an immature way. However, in your case your gf is woefully inexperienced in life in general. This includes love and intimacy.

 

In addition to that, those red flags may signify some very deep routed issues that may be born out of her recent traumas but equally may go back to her childhood.

 

My suggestion is not what you want to hear. Get her back to her parents (as mentioned above) and recommend to her that she seek therapy with a view to honestly getting her issues addressed. In the meantime you can support her but back out of the relationship. If you dont you will crash on the rocks my friend.