Any help would be appreciated

[boiler55126]

Well it's been 2 months since my girlfriend left. I haven't felt 1 bit better, only worse. Seems like I've gotten myself into a real tailspin. I've tried everything to get over her. I tried sleeping a lot, getting angry at her, getting drunk, going out with friends, exercising, talking to friends and family, went out on a few dates, went to the doctor and got put on anti-depressants. Nothing has worked, not 1 bit. Sleeping a lot didn't work, I can't hardly sleep anyway. Getting angry has only made me say and do things that I later regret. Everytime I go out with friends I end up leaving early because these personal demons of mine always have a way of getting to me at any given moment, no matter what I'm doing. Getting exercise helped but after the paxil kicked in I lost all motivation, Going on dates really sucked. The one time I actually started feeling sick and pretty much ended things early. At this point I don't want to be with any other women. My ex is still in my heart too much. The anti-depressants haven't helped, and I think it may be making me worse. He put me on paxil and after about 1 month of that I told him it wasn't working so he switched me to lexapro. That stuff made me sick as hell. I took it for about 1 week and I thought I was on LSD. I would have uncontrollable tremors, nightmares, slurred speach, no energy, panic attacks, major mood swings, you name it. All the while trying to do my job, which hasn't been easy to begin with. I quit taking the lexatrol about 3 days ago and now I feel like I have arthritis of the head, if that's possible. So now I'm going to try to stop taking any of it and see what happens. I'd rather suffer from depression than feel like I'm on cloud 9 all the time.

 

So now I'm to the point that I've pretty much secluded myself from society. I don't like being around people at all anymore. I think it's because I'm afraid I'll break down in front of a bunch of people. I can't seem to quit crying over this. It's an everyday thing. It comes just out of the blue, I never know when something will get to me or remind me of her. I got written up at work a few days ago for job performance. I do maintenance and I don't feel like coming out of my office unless they really need something. Problem I have with being out in the plant is that everyone has a radio and I'll be working on something and a song will come on that reminds me of her and I just up and walk away right in the middle of doing something so that I don't break down in front of them. People keep wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I just up and leave and where I go. I don't want to tell anyone because word gets around at this place. So I just leave for a bit until I'm settled down and then return to finish what I was doing. I hate being at work. My ex works right next door so I'm constantly reminded of her. I don't see her but I see the building she works in several times a day and it's hard for me to not think of her when I know she's right there. I can't seem to get her out of my heart. I know in my heart and in my mind that I've never loved someone as much.

 

This is the 3rd time she left in 2.5 years and this is without a doubt the last time. Things got kinda ugly between us. I only ever took her back the other 2 times because I was insanely in love with her. This time has been the hardest for me. I know this is the last time and I really feel like I'm running on empty with no hope at all of ever getting back together with her. I can't seem to move on and put any closure to this. She never really gives me much to move on with. She's just not a very good communictor and I'm always left to assume things and it slowly drives me crazy. So whenever I've talked to her I always bring things up to try to at least get some sort of closure but instead she gets upset and usually hangs up. She wanted to be friends but she never called me. It was always me calling her. Then when we would talk I would try to get her to give me some sort of reasons and she always says it was because of the problems between me and her kids. I don't see that as a reason to run away from someone and not even be friends. I hate feeling like I'm being lied to.

 

I'm not sure what else to try. I even setup an appointment to see a counselor but nothing else has worked so I don't figure that will either. Have I had suicidal thoughts? Yes, everyday. The only thing that stops me is that I've had 3 good friends and 1 somewhat of a friend commit suicide and I seen what it did to me and their families. I look at it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The thing about is that in the cases I seen of suicide they didn't plan it for days. They pretty much just snapped and had enough. That's what I'm afraid of most. I feel like I've lost my mind.

 

Does anybody have any ideas or some advice to move on in any other ways than the ones I've already tried? It's been 2 months and I've only gotten worse, much worse. I need a way to get out of this rut.

[Alabama]

Sometimes, all it takes is time. Time heals all wounds. You'll get over it eventually, it won't just happen like that. Just hang there. Sorry I don't have any other advice. Good luck.

[sweetdreamer]

Time will heal.

 

I thought I will never heal after my break up but it does!!! You just got to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Try to stay active, and it will be hard in the first while and it will get easier as time goes.

 

During the first while of my break up, I slept a lot and was depressed. You said you were on the meds. and I don't support it. Meds. is an illusion. Dr's. try to find an easy solution to help their patients by prescribing these meds. and it is not the solution. The solution is try to find some control in your life by changing and healing yourself. Also, I find that taking a walk on a daily basis helps.

 

I have changed from my experience and so gald I went through it. Just believe in yourself that you will heal and time will get easier. Also, it is okay to cry.

[Tigris]

You need immediate help!

 

The 1st medication didn't work, that happens sometimes. The 2nd lot made you ill so you stopped it. You were right to do it. What you're doing now is wrong!

 

If you are depressed there is no immediate medical cure! I've suffered for 5 years continuously! I've been so bad I turned to self harming! That started last year, but I'm not doing it anymore!

 

The lack of sleep, not fitting in, feeling unloved, etc., is all part of the depression. It's not easy to shake off, it's taken me 4 years to be able to get 3-4 hours sleep a night! Sometimes I revert back to not having any sleep at all. Then I 'pass out'. That's happened recently and I was driving the car! SCARY!!!! G.P.'s sending me to a sleep clinic!

 

At first I had bad mood swings. I'd be depressed all the time and then suddenly, for a few minutes I'd become euphoric. Then I'd be depressed again. The medication is to help you balanced the moods. Eventually I came off the medication and am happy 99.9% of the time (nobody's perfect!) My problem is I can't deal with stressful situations! When this happens I don't talk about the problem, 'I flee' and my husband doesn't know where I am! Worst example, (I live in Durham the North East of England), I ended up on my way to my friend's (Colwyn Bay in Wales) 100's of miles away!

 

Now do you understand why I'm advising you to see your G.P. This or something worse could happen to you!

 

Take care and good luck.

[Beyond]

I'm sorry. I feel for ya.

Good luck.

 

[NJRon]

After my divorce (I count my divorce as starting from the time my ex-wife left me) a few years ago, I felt very similar. Ups and Downs... mainly downs. I remember breaking down in the shower and curling up in a ball.

 

I went to the doctor.. nothing seemed to work. Medication actually made things worse for me. I went out, drank more, drank less, exercised, slept for days, took up hobbies... dropped them

 

Well, all I can say is it is a normal grieving process. It's taken me a long time to realize that I can allow myself to feel certain ways and not let it affect my life. I can be angry and not take that anger out, I can be sad and not let it immobilize me... etc. Putting it to actual practice is a whole other thing that takes a lot of work.

 

The main thing that struck me in your post was about closure. It seems that you are waiting for her to put closure to this. However, *you* are the one that wants closure. So, basically... close it. By waiting on her you are placing all of your energy on something outside of your control. The only thing you can control is you.

 

The best way to help yourself is to control what you can control. If closure is what you need, then give yourself closure by calling it over. you don't even need to tell her. You only need to know it yourself.

 

Once that's done, then you can start picking up all the little pieces and getting your life back together.

 

This is all MHO...

 

Best wishes...