Shes the one

[James101]

Firstly i know this a common thing. What im about to say will surprise nobody!. Ive totally fallen for my best friend. We have known eachother for 4 years or so. Weve lived in different cities for three years, due to her study at university but remained in contact through visits, calls, emails and sms. There have been times especially in the last year or so when ive had to step back and breathe because i realise how l much i love and care about her. I get on with her family really well and just recently i stayed at their family home, Ive been with other girls since and during our friendship, so this isnt like an obsession but on the other hand i cant stop thinking about her, day/night recently. We live 1000km away from each other while shes studying and she is seeing somebody at the moment, theyve only started seeing each other in the last few weeks though. I start to think that she must not feel the same towards me then something will happen and my mind will sway the other way then back the other way by something else she says or will do. We really are best mates, she knows everthing there is to know about me and i know all about her, i always say i love you, but its interpreted in the friends way. We really are in the 'friends zone'. To throw one more spanner in the works, im going travelling for a year when she comes back after her study, already arranged and sorted but i dont think i could go with out her knowing how i feel. Im not after a miracle from this forum but if your reading this please forward on what you would do in my predicament. Any words appreciated

 

Thank you

James

[Jinx]

I've been in a similar situation due to the joys of college and friendship which has grow into something more as far as feelings are concerned. I spent months before this schooling departure debating with myself about expressing or at least further letting onto less than platonic thoughts.

 

This went on, too concerned about what if the friendship took a blow due to such feelings and felt for awhile more content not to allow onto any of this if at all possible. Needless to say, I didn't end up kicking myself for losing friendship, I did it because I didn't express my feelings and (unlike your situation though to some extent) without further contact for awhile it has bottled up. Not a pleasant feeling. If I could go back, I'd of rather took a chance and fully expressed myself, for everyones sake. Because I would of known it was off my shoulders and there was no more masking over what had became overwhelming. Then it would of been the other individuals choice how to take in the information.

 

Yes, friendship can be lost, but when you express such feelings and a person leaves, how deep could it have been to just let go? If she isn't interested, she should still take it in a respectful manner without that loss. I'm not sure just how strong the feelings are in your case or how heavy it weighs on your shoulder but having a heart to heart on the feelings so to speak may be to your benefit, instead of seeing how long it can just stay contained or entirely lose the chance somehow to ever tell her your true feelings over so long.

 

Tad bit more on the She is with someone else, thereforeeee no interest in me line. Oh, I had a friend that was in a similar predicament. He and this woman were friends for, four years I think it was, something like that. Anyways, he went out with other ladies during this period as did she with other men. Yet, he would always tell me how wonderful she was, every detail about her life. I probably knew as much about her by the end of these talks as she and he did.

 

Well, needless to say as it came in the end, they felt the same about each and both thought the other would never be interested. I poked at the situation with him a couple days after seeing them together. Friends was stretching it. She would make subtle comments, gestures, and general things that I noticed for him. He occasionally noticed them and the behavior change but it was so spotty he decided it was just friendly banter. Turned out she was interested but too afraid to push the situation any further so tested the lines for his response. Of course it was the same difference for him. Eventually, he spilled out his feelings for her one night. To this day - They've been in a happy relationship for three years and seven or so months I believe was the last update.

[Alabama]

I have a friend who is in the same dilemma. I have the same advice I gave him: go for it. Don't expect a miracle or there being a ray of hope. But if you don't try, then you'll never know. This is one of those things that can bug you the rest of your life. I suggest tell her and see how she feels. Good luck!

[James101]

Thanks..

 

She is coming back to my home town in October for a birthday, so will likely tellther then, Boyfriend or no boyfriend. I have written a letter but i dont know whether to send it or tell her in person in a couple of months........

[Alabama]

I suggest tell her in person. That way, she knows you had the guts to tell her personally, rather than through a letter.

[James101]

Its just Im trying to imagine the next couple of months though and its going to be so hard..cant believe i didnt tell her on her last visit. Didnt have the guts to risk our friendship

[Alabama]

Trying to imagining something and how it will happen, can be very hard. You won't know how things will turn out unless you tell her.

[Hephaestus]

I don't have a good track record in this department, but I have learned

a few things about how not to do it.

 

There are a few things you can do to better your chances:

 

1) Do it in person and when the two of you are alone.

2) Talk about something else to start with. Get her relaxed and laughing.

3) Lead into it. Say "Seriously, I need to tell you something."

4) Hold her hand and look her in the eyes when you tell her.

5) Don't expect her to leap into your arms. When a guy drops a bomb

on a girl like this, she needs time to process it. If she doesn't reject

you outright, it could be a good sign.

6) Don't demand an answer. It will ruin any chance you have.

7) If she seems uncomfortable talking about it , start talking about

something else. Get her relaxed and laughing again.

 

Don't worry, she's not going to ignore this. She'll roll it around in her head

for a while before she makes her decision. Just give her time and try to

be her friend as you have been.

[James101]

Thanks heaps for all your advice. Its so hard, thoigh i take comfort knowing there are hundreds of people going through the same thing. Not just me.