lacerations of my heart, i need help and support

[temjin132]

so basically my girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me and left me for another guy. she went out drinking one nite with this guy she met at work, hes a lot older too. Being too trusting and naive, i let her go, thinking nothing of it. She had a good time, nothing happened. but she decides to go again, because she had such a good time. I'm ok with it, and I even offer to pick her up afterwards. well before she goes, we have this huge fight and she hangs up on me. I don't hear from her again until 5 Am the next morning when she tells me something happened. they made out in the back seat of his car. im crushed, and i cant believe it at all b/c even though we fight a lot, we both loved each other to death. she was my world and i was her. i truly believed she loved me unconditionally. anyway, we work through this b/c im such an understanding guy, i attribute most of the blame to me, for not being there for her and for all the fights we had, which she usually started anyway. we go to gilroy the next day, but i can tell things have changed. she assures me she still wants to be with me and is sooooo sorry for what happened.

 

the next day we get into another huge fight, which was very awkward. it was as though she picked a fight with me just to drive me away, force me to break up with her. i finally do, b/c i cant stand the constant 8 hour fights anymore. but we've broken up before and gotten back together the next day. it was normal for us. not this time. to my surprise, she contacts me the next day to go out together. but instead of fixing things like we normally did, she tells me she just wants to be friends. i didnt understand it at all. we loved each other too much. this never happened before. later that nite i find out that the day we broke up, he was at over at her apartment and slept over. this devisated me. worse pain i ever felt. despite all this, i couldnt bear the thought of being without her. i drove up the next day, dying, begging her to come back to me. he was there again. i even brought up flowers and candy. nothing, she didnt feel anything. this was not the same girl i knew for 6 years. she completely shut me out and threw me aside. only he mattered. and now they're together doing the things we use to do. sharing all the moments, laughs, thoughts i would die to have back.

 

i read her blogs from time to time, though i shouldnt b/c they only cause more pain. and they are really happy. she raves on and on about how loving and caring he is. how he is so considerate to her. i cant believe that. it makes me sick. everything he does for her, i use to do. and she didnt appreciate any of it. i use to forsake myself so much to take care of her. i drove her around everywhere, always opened doors for her, made sure she was fed. i took care of her better than i took care of myself.

 

what hurts is how easily she has moved on. 6 years, and she got over me in matter of seconds. i've spent the last 3 or 4 weeks in pure agony, unable to eat, unable to smile, unable to live. i try to avoid all contact with her, knowing it will only make me hurt more. but shes so cruel, she still contacts me, and i foolishly answer, hoping she will want me back. instead, she only asks to be my friend. she calls me selfish for refusing to be her friend, even though she has moved on with her life. she expects me to accept the situation and accept the fact she has replaced me. i cant do that, and it pisses me off so bad everytime she asks for such stupid crap. she doesnt hurt, she doesnt care, and its not fair. im tired of this heartbreak, tired of having to deal with this pain everyday. how can a person simply forget you that easily. as if i never existed. she loved me so much when we were together. i dont understand. i don't have the will to live anymore. nothing makes sense. i need help.

 

sorry for the long post

[lady00]

First off, you are not selfish for refusing to be her friend. Second, if she thinks you are selfish she needs to look in the mirror and say that to herself because cheating is the epitome of selfishness and suggesting that you be friends after cheating you and being with someone else shows that she is selfish because she doesn't respect that your feelings are hurt and that you need space and time to heal. That's not true friendship. Friends understand when people need space to themselves and they have their friends best interests at heart...it sounds like she just doesn't want to give up the attention she gets from you and the way that she feels knowing that you want her back.

 

Second, do NC. You know what she will say when she calls so don't bother answering anymore. Just ignore her and she will get the hint and leave you alone.

 

You mentioned that you fought a lot in the relationship. This isn't good. And she also cheated on you...fighting is not a reason for cheating, it is a lame excuse. Could you really trust her again if for some reason she did decide to come back? I know it's hard and I know that you love this woman a lot but I think that you also realize that a relationship with her won't work. Good luck. Remember, you deserve the best...the best of relationships and the best of friends. Don't settle for anything less.

[DropToZero]

i read her blogs from time to time, though i shouldnt b/c they only cause more pain. and they are really happy. she raves on and on about how loving and caring he is. how he is so considerate to her. i cant believe that. it makes me sick. everything he does for her, i use to do. and she didnt appreciate any of it. i use to forsake myself so much to take care of her. i drove her around everywhere, always opened doors for her, made sure she was fed. i took care of her better than i took care of myself.

 

Hey man, I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear....but ...don't be a door-mat. Everything I get out of that paragraph alone is why she finally broke it off....you don't need to take care of her, she has her own life, you have your own. You don't NEED her, she's not YOUR life, she's not YOUR problem. She didn't appreciate it b/c you most likely did it too often and instead of being a man and letting her do those things on her own, you tried to take care of her. Girls don't want that...contrary to what you may hear, that's not a healthy relationship at all and you need to learn to fix that part of you that wants to 'take care ' of your S/O.

 

I know you're in a lot of pain...but when you get thru this, come back and PM me when you've tried to move on. Do not waste any more time on her, don't chase her, that will only push her away further. Don't buy her anything(that was probably the worst thing you could have done). That's like sayin to her "Don't leave me, I'll BUY you anything you want if you stay with me."(and you don't want that) Don't beg for her to come back, you leave her alone and do your best to move on....however you wish.

[TRAUMA]

DUDE, .. here it is, nice and blunt: You LOST!!, HE WON..! (the ungratefull girl ,that is)...Even if she comes back crawling and begging for more. DO NOT TAKE HER BACK...ITS OVER, MAN...It would take the love of Jesus to accept this girl back with no regrets, and frankly,.. I dont think

you can..So move on-and go find the one that deserves your kindness..

Good Luck!!!!.............

[heloladies21]

Friend, this is terrible. She disrespected you pretty bad and it's all her fault. She lied to you about caring about you all this time and that's something I could never forgive. Are you mad at her? You should be. That might make it a little easier to shut her out so you can heal and find someone better. You will find someone better. She's a horrible person. No Contact her, you can even yell her out. Tell her not to call you ever again and hang up the phone.

[temjin132]

i am mad. i am pissed. i've pretty much gone through every emotion you can feel. what messes me up everytime is hope. i cut her out the first time and was doing fine but she calls me. telling me all this bs about how she misses me and how she cant believe she did what she did. she seems go genuinely sorry that i start having hope that we can go back to what we had. but then she just says things never would have worked out b/c it didnt feel right anymore. I dont understand why she keeps pestering me. shes moved on, but its like she refuses to let me move on. all those conversations just end on her asking me to be her friend and her telling me im selfish for cutting her out completely. i usually blow up after that, say some mean things and hang up. starting this whole process over. its happened like 3 times, but i know better now. im cutting her out for good.

 

we fought a lot, but when things were good, they were ideal, fantasy, perfect-world good. she really did care about me, love me. she was always there for me. she was pretty much everything i could ever want in a person. thats why i cling on to hope. but she just changed so abruptly on me, i've refused to see that she is no longer that sweet, loving girl. i know theres nothing here anymore, but really its been 6 years. its not that easy. its not like this lightswitch you can turn on and off. well i guess it is for her, which i dont understand, and thats what makes it hurt even more.

[temjin132]

oh and i forgot to say thank you to everyone whos read this and tried to help. i appreciate it

[perseverance_rules]

She wants to move on, but wont let you? Its you not putting your foot down and truly moving on yourself. It hurts, but trust me man, NC is the best medicine.

 

When my ex calls me I dont answer. If she leaves a message i will check it to see if it was important.(we hava a child on the way) If not adios. Get what YOU want out of life, obviously she doesnt want you and you need to realize that and start your own healing process without her in it.

[temjin132]

that ___still keeps contacting me. she knows i cut her out. now she hides her number so I can't trace it. I picked up today, it was her, and I hung up the fone. What the hell could she still possibly want? why doesnt she just move on? just knowing she called pisses me off so bad. she has a new boyfriend, why keep tormenting me?

[dstanzler]

Temjin, I understand your frustration, your anguish, and your suffering. Not so long ago I experienced something similar to this and it still irks me to even think about it.

 

Look, you were right to let her go out drinking. You have to realized you don't control her. If she needs to explore, expierement w/e you have to let her go... that is quite possibly the only way she may return. If you had stopped her from going she would have just found a way to go around you to get what she wanted, its Frudian.

 

Feelings for other people generally don't just occur. They take time to build up. Let me assure you that you have done nothing wrong. You were caring and loving and took care of her. You did not drive your ex into the arms of this guy... she left herself.

 

You also have to understand that while people might be telling you to "get over her" or "move on" you probably won't move on for a while... think of those suggestions as long time goals. But people that are telling you to ignore your ex are giving you immature advice. I don't mean to offend anyone that has recommended hanging up on temjin's ex or any for that matter... but temjin you need to find out why this all happened so that you don't go insane asking why. You need to tell her how she hurt you and you need to establish what you and she both need right now and in the long run.

 

She probably feels like the villain anyways and having her bf come over for sex the night of your break up was most likely a defensive mechanism used to relieve her stress.

 

I agree with the poster who said you pampered her a little too much... but don't beat yourself up over it... pampering was your way of showing love and affection.

 

I am sure she probably thinks about you seeing as she does the same things with her new bf as she did with you, and just the fact that she has tried to call you by hiding her phone number shows she cares about you... that she loves you... though, she may not be in love with you.

 

I am going to point you to several important posts I think you should check out as they will help you during this rough time. I strongly encourage you to check them out as they will be of some great help to you.

 

Big Hugs and Love,

Dave

 

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[temjin132]

dstanzler, thanks for the links and reply.

 

i have talked to her and told her what i wanted, i broke NC 3 times. She already knows I don't want to talk to her, be friends with her, have anything to do with her. She says she understands and has promised me on several occasions to just leave me alone. but she still calls. the past 2 times shes called acting like she had a point to make, or some revelation, but we just end up fighting again over the same crap. The last time, I put my foot down and said, thats it, you never have anything important to say, so I'm not talking to you anymore. She says, fine if thats the way you want to end things. but then she calls again yesterday. i already gave her 3 chances, im not going on this rollercoaster ride again. she knows that but refuses to leave me alone.

 

pampering her isnt what drove her away. she actually LOVED being taken care of. she was OBSSESSED with being loved and having someone show her affection all the time. I just think she got too use to it and stopped appreciating all the things I did. For example, I picked her up from work and drove her home a lot, even though the commute time for me was like an hour. at first she was very grateful, but over time it just seemed routine for her. i guess. i took things too far, did too much, but those things didnt alienate her away from me.

[beatless]

Well said DropToZero.

temjin132, I am sorry for your major breakup, hang in there.

Don't be upset and I know it is very very rough as I am currently in

a breakup situation as well, one I could point out from my experience

is that it was easy for your ex to move on from the breakup because

there is no "attraction" for you. I know b/c a couple of years ago I

broke an 8-yr relationship not b/c I was having an affair but I lost

attraction for my ex. My decision was even made easier b/c we

fought a lot and for our 8yr relationship she was so unsupportive of

me. Just a thought, your ex cheated on you while you were still

together-- that alone really should be a big red flag. I know it's tough

to lose the one you love and you are probably still reminiscing those

"happy days".