How do you let go ...?

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hey everyone,

 

Well tonight is the prom for my school and I decided just after christmas I wasn't going to go. I made out to my friends and teachers that I didn't want to because it wan't my sort of place. Well the real reason is that I'm not very good with goodbyes. I don't know how to cope with being sad and emotional.

 

I don't know if I regret going or not. Half of me wishes I was there so I could see my friends and wave off at a/holes who just made my lfe hell and the other half is saying I have better things to do with my time.

 

This morning at the leavers mass (A ceremony for everyone to go to too say goodbye and meet up and have a last mass of yr 11) all I thought about was my 5yrs at school from beginning to end ... I remembered the best times I had there the times I will never forget but really miss, and I also remembered the worst times off my life. There times at school when I'd come home go to my room and cry, and when I thought about it, I realised that there are probably more bad times at school than good.

 

So I thought going to the prom, would just make things worse. There were some bad days when I thought of just ending it because I couldn't cope. I wanted to take overdoses, I wanted to just stab myself I just wanted out. I wanted lock myself away from the world and I hardly ever went to school.

 

But tonight I feel like crying for some unkown reason. Thinking of the prom just makes me want to cry. My body wont allow me tp cry, if that makes any sense at all. I'm going to really miss the friends I do have, because I have realised, and it;s taken me ages to realise, that the thing that scares me most about making friends, is the fact one day I might lose them because at the end of the day ... they are what kept me going. and I should be grateful for the things I have now, because in London there are people who have lost a brother, a sister a mother a friend and they can't bring them back, where as I'm loosing my friends from just accross town.

 

So why am I wanting to cry, why wont my body let me cry and what should I do to help things become easier?

[Alabama]

I was sad when high school for me ended a little over a month ago. It was really hard to say goodbye. I didn't want to, but I had too. I couldn't cry, as you said, and really felt sad though inside. Yet I just thought about all the good memories and that kept me going. Knowing I was losing a good deal of friends, but I would make more of them later on in life. And I would always have memories, to keep me going. Hope that helps. Good luck!

[Jinx]

When it came to the closure events like Prom, Graduation, Yearbooks, a school's end of the year events in general (Those are just the ones that came to mind right away, but theres a lot more than that). I had similar feelings.

 

Throughout the years, it seems there are a lot more days where you'd rather roll over and die then wake up, groan and say "Its another Monday morning on the verge..." or think about how you didn't want to face the next day whether because of people, teachers, or generalized events. Sometimes I'd tell myself Jee, can't wait to get out of this place. Certain years it seemed like I was facing that on a regular basis, until the last year kick as I call it.

 

I never went to Prom. I thought about it, and declared early to people it was just not my Cup of Tea so there. I made a scene about What is it good for, really. Eventually I realized, it wasn't just because I wasn't interested but because of the people. Yet the other half of me wanted to be there because of some people. I wore myself out about - Do I want to go back on my Prom isn't worth it speeches? Or do I want to be happy knowing I went? I couldn't get past my pride on claiming I'd never go to one of those things. So I will never know what might of been you could say. It still bothers me at the back of my mind that I never attended.

 

For the graduating portion, there was a special event after graduation. I didn't attend that either. Throughout the week between these events, I was caught in a bitter sweet mixture of feelings. Ranging from - Ha ha I'm out of this place, finally. Can't be bothered by certain idiots anymore now. -To- This is where everyone says goodbyes and who knows what will happen now. Reality is here more than ever.

 

I remember the practice before graduation, one friend of mine came up to me (Mind you first, I am a strongly verbal not physical person. A hug for comforting another is foreign to me onto friends; crying infront of them is out of the question.) and she was on the verge of tears, and started telling me about all her feelings and everything that happened over the years, and what will happen to us now, who will survive to be successful (as accidents happen and all) so forth. I felt like crying but couldn't bring myself to it, massive inner conflict going on.

 

Then another friend came up to me later on and stated - This is where we leave off. Who knows if we'll see each other after this, but hey the time has been great, knowing you. Maybe, we'll meet again someday in the future after this, who knows. We shook hands, and that was it.

 

By the time we had graduated, I actually felt sick. It was the fact it was the point we all needed to do some degree of moving on and these people may be in the same town but it just wasn't the same. All the years and events we went through together. From the trouble we caused to helping each other with problems. I missed them a lot. Because I realized they too were the ones in a lot of cases that kept me running and able through the years. I never went to our last ceremony because I didn't know if I could stay and cope at the same time. It almost was like a grieving period and massive bounces in emotions after this.

 

Now, I realized that as bittersweet as things are, we have to move on from the friends. Not all entirely, but realize each has their own personal growth and self to maintain after these events. It hit me, some people I will never see again, its just the hard truth. No matter how you try, you do end up losing some of the most important people to time, location, personal matters, however. Fortunately, I found life goes on. Its rough at first, you get this lonely feeling and everything else to boot, but thriving on the good thoughts and the chance that you'll see them all again sometime in the future and that they too will be successful in life, it brings some comfort until we're able to move on ourselves from this sudden passing.

 

Anything like that takes time. It will be painful emotion wise for a bit, but only thing I can really say from my experiences is, think positive. It gets hard sometimes when everything comes back, but just keep it as positive as can be, and pleased for those valuable moments you were able to share. The memories in the end are what we're left with, and what helps us through. When the opportunity comes, trying to get to know other people helps, but of course no one person or people will ever be the exact replica of what we had, but eventually we grow and learn with these new individuals as we did the original people we knew.

[Mysterious Gurl]

yeah I know it's just hard right now in this particular moment. I just feel so weird at the moment.

 

I just feel like I have or going to lose everything that ever mattered to me. All the friends that kept me going I have to loose. I just want to loose them.

 

I feel a little better this morning I suppose. I just want to know how to let go, because if I do have to loose my friends I don't want to remember them because it will only hurt in the future...

 

Miya