Question to those who HAVE BEEN in Abusive Relationship??

[alona125]

I just posted about how I am on day 6 of NC, and I have not called my ex, he hasn't called me. Staying strong, but Saturday was hard.

 

He was the one to hang up on me last Mon after hearing only part of a sentence, and not liking what I said. I tried calling him back, texting him, calling again, but he wouldn't answer or respond.

I did look pathetic, but he did that to me all the time (silent treatment, hanging up on me) and after so many times, its true that you do start doing crazy things.

Anyways, to sum up our relationship, we have had some great times, but he has done some horrible things to me.

Just to list a few:

Called me degrading names.

Called me a kid, immature

Said I was Unable to come up with ideas.

Pushed me to the floor twice when he thought he heard a guy on my vmail.

Told me he would, "punch me in the face if I ever talked to a guy in his apt."

When I'm extremely upset and crying, he makes me leave his apt, not caring that i am in no state to drive, just so he can be alone.

Took his ex out for her bday in Jan and lied to me about it.

Yells at me in public, yet if I raise my voice while talking, he gets upset.

 

To those who have gone through this, did you have a hard time leaving, or was it the best thing you ever did for yourself???

 

I read posters who are unable to get over their ex after so long of a time, but I assume they weren't in abusive relationships.

Have others in my situation just rejoiced when they were finally out?

I am sure for those who have been in abusive relationships that once we get used to not doing the routine we did for so long, you don't even miss them.

I'm just curious, as I know I will not go back to him, I just want to know if Im missing him, or just a routine. I almost emailed him last night so we could just talk on good terms, but this forum helped me.

[brando]

no oone deserves to be treated the way he treated you. You need to believe this yourself. This isnt love...it is abuse. It will take time, but you need to start taking care of you, you are responsible for your life, your happiness, your emotional well being... take one day at a time, and think about all the things you want out of life.. and start making plans on how to ahieve those things.

[brando]

THis is a great website dealing with verbal and emotional abuse.

 

link removed

[Liquidius]

I was in an abusive relationship with I was in my early teens - I was punched, Kicked, and eventually raped. When we split up I was relieved. I did sort of miss him, but I didnt contact him, and didnt look back.

 

The relationship lasted 1 year 10 months.

[Hope75]

And me, you know that Alona, 5 years and 3 months, of being belittled, yelled at, told I didn't matter, cheated on, punched, kicked, strangled, slammed in the door and against the wall, raped....the list goes on.

 

You still have the right to grieve, but you will eventually rejoice when you realize your own self worth and the magnitude of what you've done for your life by leaving him.

 

You are an amazing strong women, and you derserve so much more.

[brando]

Their is alos a good book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and Another book with the same title but alos called surviviors speak out... i believe the author is Patricia Evans.

 

 

I think you will find comfort in the survivor speaks out.... i have read both of them. God information for getting on with your life, and understanding why the abuser is the way he is. By the way it also speaks about men being verbally abused as well.

[alona125]

Thanks everyone. I was just making sure that I was semi normal by grieving/missing someone who was so horrible to me

The fact that he hasn't even made the effort to call me by now shows he is either very insensitive, stubborn, or doesn't even care.

That makes me sick.

When I think about it, I really just miss what we used to do, the great area he lived in, and not really him or what he did. I am in the mindset right now that there are plenty of men who live in the same area, who I will have great times with, minus the abuse. It helps to think that way.

Thanks Brando for the book suggestions, I will check them out.

Hope: You are really encouraging to me, because at least he hasn't taken my self-worth away from me. I still know that I have so much to offer the right man. I am so happy for you to that you have been able to move on with your life in the way you have. Congrats again on your next step with your boyfriend. I am rooting for you.

[Hope75]

The fact that he hasn't even made the effort to call me by now shows he is either very insensitive, stubborn, or doesn't even care.

 

Hey Alona,

 

It's funny that of all the terrible things he has done to you, all the abuse and dehumanizing you have endured at his hands, that this is the one thing that makes you angry and that makes you think he doesn't care.

 

Strange how we view things.

 

I'm glad if my story can help you in anyway. It was a terrible time in my life and I was at my lowest by far, I believed that I was the reason he acted this way and I had the power to stop it, not so!

 

Looking back on that time, it was almosts 7 years ago that I walked out on him and I can say I am not the same person I was at that time. Yes, what he did to me shaped in part who I am today, and I learned from the experience and am grateful I made it out alive, but no I would never allow myself to be treated that way again, and I have learned that even though love is tough, there are good men out there and if you only have the courage to believe you are worth it, you will find one when you are ready.

 

Be Strong! I am very proud of you!

 

Hope

[brando]

Quote:

The fact that he hasn't even made the effort to call me by now shows he is either very insensitive, stubborn, or doesn't even care.

 

 

Hey Alona,

 

It's funny that of all the terrible things he has done to you, all the abuse and dehumanizing you have endured at his hands, that this is the one thing that makes you angry and that makes you think he doesn't care.

 

 

Very good point Hope.

 

Alona, ther will be another man who will treat you well. I think it is important to understand what you went through, the abuse and all. It will help you in your healing, and in future relationships.

[alona125]

Thanks Hope. I am posting a lot, and calling my girlfriends when/if I get the urge to call him. The urge really isn't there, it is more of wondering, "will he call today?"

 

I know I am going to sound stupid, and I kinda know the answer, but would it be wrong on my part, to write a very short email to him.

It just ended so awful. Him hanging up on me, thinking something very different than what I really meant. That is how it was left. I know he can pick up the phone and call me, but so far, he hasn't. Its been 6 days

Would an email simply stating that "I am sorry we didn't work out, and good luck with everything. please respect me and don't bother me again." Would something along those lines be innapropriate?? I don't know if he will call me again, and in the case that he is thinking of it, I dont really want him to, at least for a long time.

[alona125]

Brando,

I just read your post, and yes, that is what I am thinking of right now, along with other things. I guess your mind gets clouded in the midst of the breakup, but so far, when I have the urge to call him, I truly do think of what he has done to me, and it turns me off right away. I know my mindset will change very soon.

 

I guess it shouldn't surprise me that he hasn't even had the consideration to call.

 

I hope in his mind it is over too, and he isn't planning to call me. I would reject ever getting back with him, and knowing what he can do, I don't want him to go psycho.

 

That is why I proposed sending that short email. I have heard of exs calling back 2 weeks later, and getting very upset that their partner doesn't want to get back with them. I just don't want that to be me.

I hope I am making sense.

[brando]

i have been on the other side of where you are... i said some nasty things to my ex, out of fustration, no controll over my life, and my insecirities i couldnt identify at the time. It took a divorce to make me want to change some of my ways, especially my atitude.

 

 

I have no excuse for what i did. And believe me i will never make any, i guess that is why i am posting on your thread.

 

I miss her still i did love her, i had trouble showing this, and with her two daughters or relationship became toxic...

 

anyway from what i have read, until he understands what he did to you, nothing will get through to him. I hold a high amount of respect for my ex. Their are many things she doesnt realize either, but what she did was a bold step to relieving herself of the pain.

 

I dont think a letter will do anything for or against the realtioonship that is no longer, i think perhaps you should write the letter, write out everything you would want to tell him about what happened, the anger, the love, write it all out without thinking about it...and then reread it to yourself out loud..and just burn it.

 

Perhaps Hope has better advice or suggestions, since she can identify with you more than i.

 

be well,

 

Brando

[Hope75]

Hi Alona,

 

No I would definitely NOT send him an email. You have nothing to apologize for and if you send him an email, you are just baiting him to contact you in one way or another, whether you mean to or not.

 

Get your closure within yourself. Do not invite him back into your life for any reason, and by contacting him that is what you are doing.

 

Keep calling your girlfriends and posting here, go out and turn off your cell phone, go for a walk to clear your head.

 

Be strong, do not contact him!!

[sweet_bebcho]

Its right what everyone here is saying. For me, a part of it is missing him and a part of it was anger with myself for staying that long even though you know that the relationship cannot be helped. I was abused night after night by my boyfriend until i put a post on here about it and realized that what he was doing to me was wrong and that I deserved better. He used to rape me everynight but made it look as if i was asleep while he was trying to have sex with me.

 

The next day he'd pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened and when I called him pn things he'd say that it wasnt a bid deal, which was his comment to most of the things he did to me.

 

It was hard but I'm still coping without him. Once I did think that it could work out, but the fact that he wasnt willing to establish that there was a problem in our relationship and that it was a big deal, I just couldnt do it anymore. He wasnt even willing to try and waned to kepp acting like eveything was normal which was the sick part.

 

You never need someone who makes you feel bad about yourself, its his loss in the end and you're much better with him. Don't call him, dont write, just erase him from your life!

[in_the_mirror]

yes i've been in a relationship like that one, and yes it took me awhile to get over it, heck im still trying to, but the thing is, it's hard, cuz we've had someone telling us how low we are, and that we will never get anyone better then this so called "great guy". they make themselves out to be so high and mighty, and we want to believe it, cuz it kinda seems to make life easier. but once we get away, we realize how dependent on him we had been. (i don't know why im using we, i guess cuz i've met others like myself with ex's like this) it does get easier with time. i had to find hobbys that made me feel better about myself, or calmed me down when i get upset over something i hear about him or from him. i actually run and excersize cuz it is an awesome confidence booster, and when you run there is no way you can be mad, it's a natural way to make someone happy, kinda like chocolate lol. anyways, you are lucky for getting away from him, i jus suggest to keep youself busy and keep trying to stay away from him, you don't need that in your life, not as a friend, and definitely not as a b/f. go out with friends and just try to forget about him, we all can make mistakes it's part of life, but it is not good to make mistakes and not fix them. but your fixing them so nvm hehe.

if you need anything feel free to pm me.

[alona125]

You all have been a great help. I have done this before once, and it seemed like at first, I wouldn't be able to go on without them. But, with time, it is so much better.

I will take all of your advice, and not even contact him. It is really good for me that he isn't calling me. It helps me to move on.

He admitted though, we don't work together, he has a temper, and little things I do bug him. Yet, we never broke up. He kept yelling, and for some reason, everything, and I do mean almost everything I did, bothered him. He didnt want me to go though. I told him one time, just recently, that we should go our separate ways, and he said, very calmly, that he loved me very much, and he didn't want the relationship to end.

That is why it baffles me that he doesn't care to call now. Who cares though, like you all said, and like I know myself, I am way better off without him.

Thanks to each of you for your thoughts and support. I appreciate each of them more than you know.

[Hope75]

You are definitely way better off without him, keep reminding yourself that and look at the list you made of all that he has done to you.

 

The more you think about the terrible and infantile way he treated you, the more you will realize that you are better then this and you should not let anyone treat you this way, and the only way to break the cycle is to not contact him and if he tries to contact you, ignore him.

 

You can go and visit his area any time you want and you don't have to be with him.

 

Keep it up!!

[hurtandconfused]

I was in a relationship like this for over 2 years and it is perfectly normal to miss him. I think with me because he treated me so badly when he called I felt I should be gratteful because I felt so rejected, and made me feel I was doing something wrong, I craved acceptance and attention from him. I did actually go back a number of times he never changed, until I looked at him one day and he made my stomach churn. I was advised to move away which I did.

 

You are better than that never give up or give him chance to hurt you again

[armchairshrink]

To those who have gone through this, did you have a hard time leaving, or was it the best thing you ever did for yourself???

Both. Abusers are very good at making sure that their targets are too insecure to leave them. GOOD FOR YOU for taking this tremendous step! I think that it's actually harder to leave an abuser, because in addition to the loss of someone you cared for, there are other feelings to deal with (most of which are engineered by the abuser): guilt, shame, a sense of failure, self-doubt, etc.

 

It looks like you're going strong, though, and getting on with your life. Keep it up!

[Hope75]

To those who have gone through this, did you have a hard time leaving, or was it the best thing you ever did for yourself???

Both. Abusers are very good at making sure that their targets are too insecure to leave them. GOOD FOR YOU for taking this tremendous step! I think that it's actually harder to leave an abuser, because in addition to the loss of someone you cared for, there are other feelings to deal with (most of which are engineered by the abuser): guilt, shame, a sense of failure, self-doubt, etc.

 

It looks like you're going strong, though, and getting on with your life. Keep it up!

 

Very well said armchair shrink! Alona's ex knows exactly what buttons to push in her to make her feel like alot of this is her fault when in reality none of it is her fault.

 

It's almost maddening for me to see this from the outside when I was once on the inside where she is now, questioning myself and thinking, "How will I live without him? And how will he live without me?"

 

Now, I ask myself, "How did I live with him? What insanity kept me there for so long?"

[hurtwou]

hunny, no one needs to be treated like that....I wasnt in an abusive relationship but a verbal abusive one....she would call me names...threaten me...and i was in love with him....I got over it....its hard but you needa be strong

[rmpavlock]

I was in a relationship like that for about three years. He never got physical, but he definitely belittled me and did everything he could to make it seem like I wasn't good enough or smart enough. The hardest part was actually doing the breaking up, but let me tell you. It's been two months since I broke up with him and it's like a vacation. I'm more relaxed than I've been in a long time. There is no one there to criticize my decisions, no one to tell me I'm ditzy, no one to yell at me if I decide to have a drink with friends. It was hard at first because I wanted him to be okay with everything, but you know what? If he isn't happy, that's no longer my problem. That's his problem and it's up to him to make himself happy. Trust me, if you break up it could be one of the best things you could do for yourself.

[Hope75]

Just FYI,

 

This thread is over a year old and the OP hasn't been back to update....

[southerngirl]

Old threads come to life, I started to read it and then realised what year it was haha..

[rmpavlock]

Oops! I just looked at the date...sorry!