Question in talking to multiple guys initial dating

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

I just don't buy into this whole, well, we were never exclusive or had the talk, so it's okay to talk to as many people as you want. 

If she was actively dating people or things between the guy had a chance of being serious, I agree. In that case she should have been up front and revealed things from the start to avoid confusion or cases like this where the other person feels lied to or that something was hidden from them. Best to put your cards on the table up front.

However, seems like this was just a guy she talked to online and wasn't that serious. Not even clear if there were any kind of feelings involved. There's a line between what is serious enough to tell someone, and what is a casual acquitance that isn't worth the trouble. You shouldn't be expected to report everyone you talk to. If it's long conversations ever night, yes, it's best to tell someone. If they've expressed interest as more then friends, say something. But depending on the details, it may not have seemed like a big enough deal to mention. 

Hard part is that what is considered that line can vary from person to person.

In any case, his reactions were so disproportionate to the supposed "offense" that it doesn't seem to matter what she did. He went so overboard that it's not worth figuring out what she could have done, at least in my opinion. Best thing for her is remove herself from him entirely.

[Batya33]

When I dated and looked to date the assumption always was -full stop -that until you had the exclusive talk it was assumed you were dating/looking to date other people and "talking" was never a thing -no one would have asked if  you were "talking" to other men - that would have been really odd to ask! So if someone went off the deep end and got mad it was their issue.  I had that happen once -after one date he saw me at a singles event dancing with another guy (who actually was just a friend -my friend wanted to make his ex jealous lol -we were not dancing close in any sexual way anyway -so on our next date he told me he saw me and then went out and got drunk as he was so upset.  Last date.

Sexual monogamy for health reasons -yes  - for people who had casual sex or met up for sex for sure that was a thing especially in the 80s-90s with HIV.  

So I never worried at all about hurting someone's feelings or leading them on - nor did I answer if they asked what I was doing on a night I was not with them other than "busy" or what activity "going to a movie." None of their business.  Every person I knew and I knew and knew of hundreds in the city in which I dated did things that way and assumed as such.

I never dated anyone online and any chatting I did was just to assess ASAP whether we should meet in person to see if we then should go on a date in the future. One man asked me not to meet other men before we could meet -a rare example of long distance.  I immediately said no way (it was going to be at least a month and I was meeting at least 4 men a month) and we stayed in touch as friends and still are friends.  And he does some IT work for our personal devices -all remote.  I'd have run like the wind if anyone ever even implied that my speaking to them had anything to do with dating them.  Bizarre IMO.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

If she was actively dating people or things between the guy had a chance of being serious, I agree. In that case she should have been up front and revealed things from the start to avoid confusion or cases like this where the other person feels lied to or that something was hidden from them. Best to put your cards on the table up front.

However, seems like this was just a guy she talked to online and wasn't that serious. Not even clear if there were any kind of feelings involved. There's a line between what is serious enough to tell someone, and what is a casual acquitance that isn't worth the trouble. You shouldn't be expected to report everyone you talk to. If it's long conversations ever night, yes, it's best to tell someone. If they've expressed interest as more then friends, say something. But depending on the details, it may not have seemed like a big enough deal to mention. 

Hard part is that what is considered that line can vary from person to person.

In any case, his reactions were so disproportionate to the supposed "offense" that it doesn't seem to matter what she did. He went so overboard that it's not worth figuring out what she could have done, at least in my opinion. Best thing for her is remove herself from him entirely.

Well, it seems it was pretty serious from the onset based on how things accelerated - saying he loved her after one month. It's the exploded reaction that is the concern to me, too. So, it's better that he ended it versus continuing a relationship with someone he doesn't trust. 

And, honestly, if you're dating someone for six months, there is a reasonable assumption of not dating others. Then again, she said she was only talking to the other for the initial two months.

I recall another thread where someone explained how she and the person she's dating dated others - but within the first month had the talk and agreed to become exclusive.

So, there are situations in weird online dating land that don't follow a traditional pace. It may work for some but I can't imagine how the dating process adds another layer of complexity this way. Makes it a bit less organic, superficial and not sure how everyone can keep it straight. 

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well, it seems it was pretty serious from the onset based on how things accelerated - saying he loved her after one month. It's the exploded reaction that is the concern to me, too. So, it's better that he ended it versus continuing a relationship with someone he doesn't trust. 

And, honestly, if you're dating someone for six months, there is a reasonable assumption of not dating others. I recall another thread where someone explained how she and the person she's dating dated others - but within the first month had the talk and agreed to become exclusive.

So, there are situations in weird online dating land that don't follow a traditional pace. It may work for some but I can't imagine how the dating process adds another layer of complexity this way. Makes it a bit less organic, superficial and not sure how everyone can keep it straight. 

Sorry, think there's a confusion between the two guys.

I'm reading that she has been seeing the angry one for six months, since May. That one escalated quickly. I agree, after all this time there would be the assumption she isn't dating others and she hasn't.

She stopped talking to the online guy at least as earlier as July. I was questioning how serious those talks were. There's a two/three month period from May to July where she was "talking" to both. She probably should have said something to be safe, but we don't really know what the "talking" entailed. I at least see it being a gray area on how to handle that period.

I have a hard enough time with the traditional pace. I have no idea how people keep track of all the layers they feel they need to add on top of it. I like the KISS method - keep it simple, stupid.